Today's meditation we will be talking about setting and keeping healthy boundaries and learning how to set those boundaries for ourselves and also those around us.
So we'll start with just a little dharma talk on boundaries and how to know when it's time to set boundaries and then we'll discuss some of the possible avenues for setting boundaries in your life.
And before we close I'll guide you through just a short body scan that will help you come back to a more neutral state whenever your personal boundaries have been crossed.
So now let's just take a moment to settle in,
Take a few deep breaths,
Possibly closing your eyes and finding a relaxed yet upright position.
Your hands can be rested gently in your lap,
You may be leaning against a wall or sitting upright,
Legs crisscrossed or straight.
Come quietly and humbly to the present moment with a learner's mentality,
Letting go of the idea that I already know that or that you've already tried this before.
And instead just try to experience the meditation from a learner's perspective and being open to both old and new ideas simultaneously.
Take a few deep breaths.
And put the breath coming back to the breath again and again,
Allowing the space and quiet to allow us to connect with our center,
Our inner self.
So for me personally,
Setting boundaries is actually a relatively new concept,
Though I have practiced setting them in some capacities in the past without even realizing it.
And in other ways,
I've allowed myself to get fully bulldozed by others due to my lack of boundaries in certain areas.
We can set boundaries in many areas of our lives and sometimes it's really easy to know when you need to set boundaries.
For example,
If your boss keeps demanding more and more from you despite the fact that you've already been working overtime or when a well-intentioned friend comes to you to vent and dumps all of her drama onto your lap again and again.
And you know when it's time to set healthy boundaries because you'll start to feel certain sensations in the body.
When this boundary is being crossed,
Perhaps tightness in the throat,
The urge to say something but then holding it in,
Maybe tightness in the jaw,
Keeping your mouth shut for fear of making the situation worse.
Often it takes a few times for us to get bulldozed,
For lack of a better word,
By others before we learn to set those healthy boundaries.
And sometimes we even bulldoze ourselves.
We plan to set healthy boundaries but then we tiptoe the line and we think,
Oh,
It's okay,
I'll just check my email before bed this one time.
Look at it hurt.
And then you lay there at night tossing and turning,
Writing the reply email in your head over and over again.
It did not help you sleep.
And you might notice patterns like this in your life and other areas as well that affect your sleep,
That affect your wellbeing.
So in order to maintain a peace of mind,
Often we have to stop ourselves from repeating those patterns and overcome the habits.
And we have to inform those in our life as well of those boundaries.
So what are some of the possible avenues for setting boundaries in our lives?
After all,
We don't want to end up fired by our boss or losing that friendship despite the fact that she is draining your energy or heat.
We still need well and we want to maintain those relationships so we need to express our boundaries and ask them to respect your need for space.
This doesn't have to come off being spirited or harsh because often that person who's pushing the boundaries has no idea that they're even having a negative effect on you.
So it's your job to break it down for them in a really neutral state.
Tell them that you see their frustrations,
That you see their needs,
Etc.
And that you appreciate the fact that they've come to you.
You appreciate the fact that they've come to you for help to help them solve their problem or to get something off of their chest.
Meet them where they are.
But then you have to set a boundary for this type of conversation or for this type of request and those boundaries will look different for everyone.
For some it may take something like,
Please ask me if I have the energy to hold space for this before you start sharing your stories about so and so from work.
Or perhaps,
I can't take that project on right now because I am prioritizing my mental health.
These are perfectly useful sentences that you can use and then say them in a really neutral state.
However you want to word it or whatever that boundary is for you,
You need to verbalize it and you need to express it because part of setting healthy boundaries is expressing those boundaries even if you are setting them for yourself,
Perhaps around technology is a really good example because a lot of people have addictions of some sort of another towards technology and if you simply tell yourself,
I won't be checking my email after 9pm,
You may or may not stick with it but if you write a note on your whiteboard,
Put a reminder in your phone and put a screen time limit on that specific app,
Then it will be a lot harder for you to cross the boundary.
So whether you are setting boundaries for yourself or for those around you,
You want to do it from that neutral state and what does that mean exactly?
It means letting go of the tightness in your throat.
It means letting your shoulders drift away from your ears.
It means taking a few deep breaths before responding and avoid reacting immediately.
And instead a time where you can calmly express those boundaries and ask the other person to respect those boundaries.
You can find that neutral state and it might be in the moment.
It might be in that moment you can calmly take a few deep breaths and say no or it might come back another time.
I encourage you to find times in your life when you are able to express those healthy boundaries and maintain relationships in your life that respect those boundaries.
Now before we end this meditation today,
I want us to rest for a few moments with a guided body scan which is a simple technique that you can take with you outside of this practice as well and learn how to notice the tension in your body as it arises.
If you notice the tension in your body,
You can simply send your attention and your breath to that area and then watch it dissipate.
So take another couple of deep breaths here,
Shifting modes into a more gentle state of awareness.
You can do this practice from head to toe or toe to head.
Today we'll start from the top of our head.
Start scanning the top of your head,
Rounding over your skull,
Down towards your ears,
Down your forehead,
In the space between your eyebrows,
Noticing your cheeks,
Your jaw,
Allowing all the muscles in your face to relax and melt away.
The tension stored in there.
Continue this scan past your chin,
Your throat,
The back of your neck,
The tops of your shoulders,
The sides of your shoulders,
Backs of your shoulders,
Your shoulder blades,
Scanning your back,
The length of your spine,
Your hips,
Your belly and your chest.
Also take time to notice your arms,
Elbows,
Wrists and fingers.
If your hands are balled up,
Let them stretch out.
Continue this awareness down past the hips,
Into your legs,
Knees,
Shins,
Calves,
Ankles,
Tops of your feet,
Bottoms of your feet,
All ten toes.
As we scanned through each body part from head to toe,
If there were any areas where you were able to loosen up,
That is a good sign that you have not only awareness but an ability to affect your physical body.
Remember that your mind has so much power and that we are not controlled by the monkey mind,
We are not reactive beings,
We are calm,
We are in control and we understand our own boundaries.
When our boundaries are crossed,
We may notice sensations in the body and when those sensations arise,
I want you to practice the body scan and to send that area of sensation,
The breath and the attention,
Allowing yourself to feel what you feel and breathing through it and making your choice from there.
Let's take a few final breaths here,
In this relaxed yet aware state.
And when you're ready,
Open your arms,
Go on throughout your day.
I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for joining me today.
