Welcome.
Disentangling codependency.
Looking outside of self.
So.
.
.
I think an important piece to put in place as we work to understand codependency together.
Is that it involves having a dominant external focus.
What does that mean?
It means that we are looking outside of ourself.
That we are watching others.
That we are.
Seeking approval or regulating our emotions or finding our identity and purpose.
By seeking from others.
What we want.
Another language I could use for that is being other-centered.
We know about self-centeredness.
But we don't usually hear people talk about being other-centered.
Codependency can involve being too other-centered.
Think about it.
On a continuum.
And you're going to hear me talk about continuums a lot.
I think of everything in gradations for the most part.
So on this particular continuum,
We have self focused,
Self-centered,
Self-directed at one end,
And we have other directed at the other end.
Well,
We know what self-centered looks like.
We talk about that.
We study that.
We actually are careful that we don't want to become that.
At the far end,
The other end is other-centered.
And that's where,
In its extreme form,
Our codependent behaviors are extremely live at that far end of the continuum.
Healthy recovery from codependency involves our learning to dwell in the middle range of that continuum.
It involves us learning to learn how to listen to self and respond to self as we are responding to someone else,
Enough that we are able to.
Be in that middle range.
And please notice I'm saying the middle range,
Not the middle point.
The middle point is we're going to always be dynamically balancing self and others.
So let's understand that as we travel this together.
So sometimes we'll have moments of hitting that middle point and we'll know how calm and centered and grounded that feels.
And that's good.
And a lot of the time we will be adjusting.
Between that self and other balance.
Now this focusing outside of self.
As a way to understand codependency.
Is.
Proven in the peer review articles that have been done over the last 20.
Years.
20,
30 years about codependency.
One in particular cited being externally focused.
As a dominant one of the core features of codependency.
Some very recent research working with folks who identify as codependent.
Found that day.
Lacked a sense of self.
And what they saw.
They sought from external sources.
So why do I share this with you as we're working on disentangling codependency?
It's because my way of working with it is to understand this really deep root.
That we are going to be helping you and me always correct.
Always noticing if we're looking too far outside of ourself,
Learning how to notice that and then bring our focus kindly and compassionately and patiently back and say,
Well,
What do I think?
What do I feel?
What would I like?
Those are things we're saying to ourself.
Those are not things we're saying in a feisty,
Fussing way with someone else,
Nor unkindly to ourselves.
Those are the invitations that we are starting to learn.
To give to ourself,
To pause.
And return that focus back to self.
So that we can.
Really know how we are.
And how we can find where our beliefs and values are so that from there we can construct I statements and boundaries and all sorts of things I'll be chatting about.
Down the line,
Down this path of this journey on these audio tapes.
But for now,
Just know.
That we are.
Often.
Looking outside of ourselves.
And the invitation now is to imagine starting to turn your focus to you.
As well.
Take good care.
Till we meet again.
