Hello,
My name is Noah Elkrieve and in this video I'm going to talk about how to stop thinking about someone and how to stop missing someone.
So generally when we're thinking about someone and we want to stop,
We tend to try to push the thoughts away,
Get rid of them,
Stop them,
Deny that we have them,
Or really distract ourselves from these thoughts in one way or another.
And as you may have come to discover,
These tactics don't generally bring the results that we want.
So in this video I'm going to give you another tactic that will likely be much more effective for you.
So before I talk about how to stop thinking about someone,
I'd just like to explain what missing someone is.
So if you're missing somebody right now,
If somebody was with you that you loved and they're no longer with you,
It can seem as if missing them is a direct result of them leaving,
As if you just can't escape it.
When someone you love leaves,
You miss them,
That's just it,
Directly created by them leaving.
If you look at it,
Do you do anything for fun?
Do you have anything that you enjoy?
Think about some hobby that you have.
Maybe you watch a movie,
Maybe you eat desserts,
Maybe you dance,
Whatever it is.
Can you have fun while doing it?
Probably yeah.
So if you can enjoy yourself simply by distracting yourself from thoughts,
Then clearly the person you love leaving doesn't create you are missing.
If them leaving you created your feeling of missing them,
Then you wouldn't be able to escape this feeling of missing them simply by distracting yourself from thoughts.
Can you see that?
How missing someone is just created by thoughts?
When you don't think about them,
You don't miss them.
When you do think about them,
You do miss them.
So once we're clear on that,
We can move on to the next thing.
So the next thing is,
Why do you keep thinking about them?
It's no problem to think about them,
But if you want to stop thinking about someone,
You first need to understand why you're thinking about them.
If you don't understand why you're thinking about someone,
Then it's very difficult to stop thinking about them.
You end up just pushing the thoughts away instead of directly addressing the cause of why they're there.
So when it comes to relationships,
Which is generally the most common reason why we want to stop thinking about someone,
The reason why we think about them and continue to think about them is because we think that we would be happier if they were here.
You see that?
The reason why you keep thinking about them or missing them is because you think that you would be happier if they were here.
If you didn't think that you would be happier if they were here,
You wouldn't think about them.
If you were happy in this moment,
Or in other words,
When you are happy in this moment,
When you're enjoying yourself,
When you're doing something that you love,
Are you thinking about them?
Are you missing them?
No.
When you're happy,
There's no reason to think about them.
But when you're just sitting there and letting your mind go,
Your mind keeps thinking that you would be happier if they were here.
So let's look at whether that's true.
So when we're missing someone,
When we're thinking about someone,
Basically what we do is we remember a moment of pleasure in the past,
Or moments,
Plural,
Of pleasure that we had with them,
And then we say,
I would be so much happier if they were here.
But let's stop for a moment.
Were all of the times that you had enjoyable?
When you were with them,
Were there some moments when you were worrying about what they think?
Were there some moments when you were really annoyed with them,
When you were judging them,
When they judged you,
When you got in arguments,
When you were worried about whether they were cheating on you,
When you were worried about if they loved you,
Where you felt uncomfortable because you were trying to please them,
Where you name it.
So when we're thinking of how we would be happier if they were here,
We're thinking about a specific moment about how it was pleasurable.
But we can't just take that specific moment or experience and bring it here.
If we bring somebody back,
We bring all of that stuff with it.
So maybe now just taking that in,
You might see,
Actually,
I don't know that I would be happier if they were here,
If that's how your relationship was.
Can you see?
Maybe I might not actually be happier if they're here.
I wouldn't have all that extra stuff.
So another reason why we think about them or create these fantasies,
Maybe that relationship was really nice and we really enjoyed it.
We were with them for many years and it was really wonderful by and large.
That experience is over now and now you're in a new experience.
And you decide that your life would be happier if they were here.
But do you know what all the effects are of anything?
So that relationship ended.
Do you know that you won't be happy or single?
Maybe this will give you more opportunities to be with friends,
To make new friends,
To engage with your hobbies.
Maybe you'll find somebody else that you enjoy much more.
Do you know any of those things aren't possible?
Is it possible that all those types of things could wind up making you happier here without them?
Is it possible that you'll be happier without them?
If it's possible,
Then you don't need to keep thinking that you would be happier if they were here because you don't know that that's true.
Is it possible that now that they're not here,
You're unhappy,
Which will act as a catalyst to make you start to examine your unhappiness,
To make you start to examine what thoughts create your unhappiness and how to deal with them.
And so just by dealing with these thoughts that before you wouldn't have dealt with,
You'll end up happier.
If you lose the thoughts that make you unhappy,
You end up happy.
So maybe that gets you into this mode of starting to directly address the thoughts that cause your unhappiness.
Is it possible that if they were still here,
Maybe something comes up?
Maybe they were going to cheat on you eventually because it would have gotten old and boring.
Maybe who knows?
Maybe the relationship would have turned really sour.
We can't possibly know this.
So when we're missing someone,
When we're thinking about them,
It's an uninvestigated assumption that we would be happier if they were here.
But as you can see,
We can't possibly know that to be true.
Maybe we've changed.
Maybe they've changed.
Maybe we wouldn't be as good of a fit anymore.
Maybe those enjoyable moments are over.
Maybe we'd be a lot unhappier if they're here.
Maybe something wonderful is about to come that's going to make us so much happier.
We really don't know.
So to decide I would be happier if they were here is really something that we can't know.
In addition,
There's often another reason why we think about someone and we don't want to.
And that is if they broke up with us,
We often think about them because when they broke up with us,
It makes us feel bad about ourselves.
We feel hurt.
So hurt is simply the worsening of our opinion of ourselves.
So if they helped us to convince us that we were lovable,
Then when they break up with us it's harder for us to feel like I am lovable.
It makes us feel less worthy of love.
It makes us feel worse about ourselves.
And that worsening of the opinion of ourselves makes us feel hurt.
And since they were the one that made our opinion worsen and we just want to feel better,
We think about winning them back and getting them back so that we can be happy again,
So they can improve our opinion of ourselves again.
So if that's the situation for you,
Right?
Because if they continue to not love us and not want to be with us,
It keeps making us feel like I'm not good enough and not worthy.
But if we win them back,
Then all of a sudden we feel worthy and lovable again.
Or at least that's the idea that we have in our heads.
So if that's your situation,
Just take a moment and look.
So one person doesn't want to be with you.
Does that mean that you're not good enough?
Does that mean that you're not worthy of love?
Is their opinion somehow more valid than everybody else's opinion?
Could somebody else's opinion about you be true?
Does it exist as a fact that you're not good enough?
Or is it just a thought?
So if that's your situation,
You can watch my video called How to Heal a Broken Heart.
And that will help you to stop thinking about them and stop thinking that their opinion is true,
Which makes you feel hurt.
So I hope that helps.
I hope this gives you some relief from thinking about this person constantly.
And please don't hesitate to ask me any further questions.
Thank you for watching and I will see you on the next video.
