I'm going to talk to you about how to deal with loneliness.
So as I do one-on-one sessions with people,
People constantly come to me telling me that they're lonely.
And what I often see when people come to me is that they're confused about the cause of their loneliness.
Or in other words,
They don't really understand what's causing it.
So therefore,
When they try to make themselves stop feeling lonely,
They're not really addressing the cause of their loneliness.
So what's causing our loneliness?
What do you think is causing it?
Most people think,
If they're single,
That it's caused by being alone.
And if they're in a relationship,
They think it's caused by their partner not loving and appreciating them enough.
So let's take a look at what's actually causing our loneliness.
So does being alone cause loneliness?
Well take a look at your life.
Are you lonely in every moment that you're alone?
Or do you sometimes not feel lonely when you're distracted from your thoughts?
When you're watching TV,
Playing sports,
Dancing,
Playing with kids,
Doing something.
When you are distracted and entertained,
You almost certainly don't feel lonely.
Because in those moments,
You're just not thinking about it.
Is everyone that's alone lonely?
Of course not.
If being alone created loneliness,
Then everyone that was alone would feel lonely.
Can you see that?
In addition,
If being alone created loneliness,
Then everyone who was in a relationship wouldn't feel lonely.
But that's not the case.
Many people in relationships feel lonely.
Is being loved,
Does the lack of being loved,
Create loneliness?
Well take a look.
Are you loved?
Do your parents love you?
Do your friends love you?
Maybe your partner loves you.
Right?
But yet you still feel lonely.
So if being loved got rid of loneliness,
Then you wouldn't feel lonely.
So it's clear that none of these things that seem to be causing loneliness actually do.
The only thing that causes loneliness is our own thoughts.
So what thoughts are creating this loneliness?
Well it depends.
There's a few different types of thoughts.
But broadly speaking,
There's one major thought for single people and one major thought for people in relationships.
So first we're going to look at single people,
Then we're going to look at relationships.
So for single people,
What happens is we tend to believe being in a relationship would make me happy.
Being in a relationship would make me feel complete and whole.
Being in a relationship is how to be happiest.
And as soon as we think that,
As soon as we create this fantasy,
All of a sudden this moment is insufficient.
This moment is lacking.
This moment isn't good enough.
And that's what creates our loneliness.
So paradoxically,
Having a fantasy about what you think will make you happy creates loneliness in this moment.
And then we constantly end up searching for somebody to love us,
Someone to be with,
And that all just perpetuates the loneliness.
So in other words,
What creates our loneliness is the belief that a relationship can make us happy.
So if you want to stop feeling lonely,
You need to question that belief.
So let's look at it real quick.
Let's examine it.
Can a relationship fulfill you,
Make you feel whole,
And make you as happy as you want to be?
Well,
Let's examine it.
What makes you unhappy?
Thoughts.
Judgments about yourself,
Insecurities.
Thoughts about yourself that make you feel ashamed.
Worrying about what people think.
Anxiety about the future.
Judgments about situations in our life.
Our situation isn't good enough.
Our apartment isn't good enough.
That event was bad.
Resentment towards the people in our life,
Feeling guilty about the past.
All this creates our unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.
So the simple question is,
Can a relationship eliminate the things that make you unhappy?
Can it eliminate all those thoughts?
Look.
No,
It can't.
It can't get rid of your anxiety about the future.
You're worrying about what people think.
Your judgment's about yourself.
It just doesn't have that ability.
If it did,
Everyone in a relationship would be happy.
But yet,
Clearly they aren't.
So that doesn't mean you can't be happy.
It just means that a relationship can't make you happy in and of itself.
We tend to look at happiness as it's acquired or achieved.
If we just got this,
We would be happy.
Or got that,
We would be happy.
But happiness is what remains when we lose the thoughts that make us unhappy.
That's it.
So if you can see that a relationship doesn't have the ability to make you happy,
Then you can stop these fantasies about it.
Whether you're in a relationship or you're single doesn't affect your happiness.
Only thoughts do.
So being single,
Being alone,
Being by yourself,
Doesn't create unhappiness.
Only thoughts do.
So you're not in a disadvantageous position of being happy.
You can be happy and fulfilled just as easily as somebody in a relationship can.
So your life is not lacking.
You are not missing anything.
Your life isn't insufficient just because you're single.
It's okay.
It doesn't mean anything.
And it absolutely doesn't mean you can't be happy.
So if you can see that,
Then watch the loneliness just subside.
You're not missing anything.
So now let's move on to the second part.
If your loneliness is created,
Or if your loneliness occurs while in a relationship.
So what tends to happen in relationships is we feel lonely often times.
Even a relationship seems perfect,
Even if the other person loves us,
Even if all of that stuff,
Loneliness occurs in a large percentage of relationships.
So when we feel lonely,
We look to blame it on something.
They don't appreciate me enough.
They don't spend enough time with me.
They're not intimate enough with me.
They don't cuddle enough.
They're not close enough.
They spend too much time at work.
Blame it on all these things as if they are the cause of our loneliness.
But they're not.
And the easy way to see that is to just look.
In a moment when you're by yourself and you're not with your partner,
Are you always lonely in those moments?
If not being with your partner created this loneliness,
Then every moment that you weren't with them,
You would feel lonely.
If your partner not being intimate with you created loneliness,
Then every moment that you weren't intimate,
You'd be lonely.
But clearly that's not the case.
Sometimes you feel lonely,
Sometimes you don't.
So what happens is there are specific stories that create loneliness.
And when you tell these stories,
Loneliness comes.
But when you don't tell those stories,
There is no loneliness.
So you have to look to see what stories are there for you.
Generally,
It's ideas about what is the perfect relationship or what is the perfect way for them to act.
So if we believe they should be spending X amount of hours with us every day,
Then when they don't spend that amount of time with us,
We think it's not good enough that they're not spending that amount of time with me.
Or if we think they should want to hold me and they should tell me that they love me,
Or telling me they love me means that they do love me,
Or something like that.
When they don't tell us they love us,
When they don't cuddle us,
When they don't do those things,
We think if they loved me,
They would do those things.
Or if it was a perfect relationship,
They would do those things.
And then we feel lacking and insufficient.
But in any moment that you don't judge your partner,
When you don't have any ideas about how they should be acting or what they should be doing or what the perfect relationship would be like,
There's no loneliness.
You're just present with them.
You're just being here.
When you're just here with your partner or without your partner,
Everything's fine,
Regardless of what they're doing.
But as soon as you tell stories,
Loneliness comes.
So in this moment,
Just look.
This moment,
See,
What do I judge that's not good enough about them?
What do I judge about them to be not good enough?
Do I judge that they don't spend enough time with me?
Do I judge that they don't tell me they love me enough?
They don't appreciate me.
So look at what you judge them to do.
And then notice that when you have that judgment,
That's when loneliness comes.
So if you can see that,
Then you can stop blaming them for your loneliness.
It has nothing to do with whether they appreciate you enough or how much they appreciate you.
It only has to do with whether you think about them appreciating you enough or not enough.
Right?
So if you can see that,
Then you can come back to this moment.
Oh,
I'm not missing anything.
It's just these thoughts that are creating loneliness.
Nothing else.
It's nothing to do with them.
And when you stop judging them,
You're left with love for them.
When you don't believe your judgments about someone,
What's left is love.
Love is simply what remains when you don't have judgments about others.
So when you don't judge your partner to be not good enough,
You'll feel love for them.
And we can't be lonely and feel love.
We tend to think that somebody loving us will get rid of our loneliness,
But it can't.
No matter what somebody else does,
That doesn't get rid of our loneliness.
What gets rid of our loneliness when we're in a relationship is loving the other person.
Just loving them.
That's it.
So if you want to stop feeling lonely,
Look to see what judgments you have about your partner and the relationship,
And then question whether they're true or not.
Question whether they're important or not.
Because when you lose those judgments,
You'll be left with love and left without your loneliness.
So,
I hope that helps.
Please let me know how it goes.
