Don't Do The Hustle (Season 1)

43:25

43:25

Don't Do The Hustle (Season 1)

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I tried this whole hustling thing, and it’s only made me perpetually overwhelmed and riddled with anxiety - I lived like this for decades. I was in a hurry and tried pushing (actually forcing) my way to destination happy. On this twisted path lined with invisible barbed wire, I found out I don’t even care about “the proverbial top” because that’s never was never my sole goal in the first place. It was a false goal created by my false self – which evolved from a toxic childhood.

Anxiety Addiction Children Fear Authenticity Self Worth Healing Awareness Self Love Motivation Emotional Intelligence Childhood Influences Freedom From External Validation Overwhelm

Meet your Teacher

Boulder, CO, USA

Meet your Teacher

Boulder, CO, USA

Transcript

Don't do the hustle. Don't do the hustle. Don't do the hustle. Today's podcast is about human doings versus human beings. So tying into that very old song, We're not old, Just the song is, The hustle. So don't do the hustle. So what I mean when I say don't hustle, By the way, This is Tammy Atman speaking. Hello, Tammy. This is LW No Lie. And I love that you know, That you know, Lie, Never lie. I never lie. So this is podcast number five. Five. Did I say four or five? I don't know what you said. Yes. But we're number five. Don't do the hustle. That's the name of this podcast. And we don't mean the dance. We don't mean the dance. So I look at the hustle and I connected to the I'm a recovery recovering destination addict. And I think I talked about this in podcast one. Dr. Robert Holden coined that term where we're addicted to busyness, To doing something rather than being something. And that was me hustling my whole life to prove that I was worthless, Worth, Excuse me, Worth something, But feeling worthless. That Freudian slip. Exactly. Dr. Zigman would be so proud. Sorry to prove that I had self-worth, But I ended up feeling worthless because every accomplishment, Every achievement never made me feel better. So I was perpetually overwhelmed. Riddled with anxiety for decades. And in terms of, You know, Chasing happy, It was I was forcing my way to the next thing all the time, Saying, I'm going to be happy when I get here, When I do this or when I get noticed for that. And how long did that happiness last, Though? Three point two seconds. Wow. Yeah, It was a long time. So you work so hard to get into shape and and lose weight and be strong and look great. And at three point two seconds was the the only joy you got out of it. Outside in external based, You know, Living well, Never works. And, You know, Use it. You know, It could have been fitness. It could have been accomplishing something, You know, You know, You know, Selling out some performance of, You know, In my previous life in the music industry. It could have been at work being the best salesperson or, You know, Solving a problem, But making sure everyone noticed. So it was really the the reaction of others, The outside reaction that gave you kind of that lift that you needed. Maybe it carried you for part of the day. Four point five seconds. Four point five seconds. You got an extra second. Oh, Yeah, I got an extra second out of that. So it's basically if you can picture yourself walking a path with invisible barbed wire. That's what it felt like. And I didn't know that until a few years ago. So the barbed wire because you're trapped in the tip toe and you're jumping, You're trying and you keep getting cut, You know, And it's you're still moving forward on the path, But it's ugly. Yeah, It's ugly. And it's not the kind of forward motion that works. So I try to come up with metaphor so to convey what it feels like to have a destination addiction and to chase happy and have it never really work. What was the pivotal moment when you realized that you had that? I think it goes back to, You know, I keep referring to that dark day in 2014. I realized, You know, When I really didn't want to live anymore and that the ideation of suicide, Because, You know, There are people who actually go through with it. I did not. But I was, You know, I just was sitting there and for the first time I said to myself. Why am I here? What have I done? To not even want to live anymore. I didn't say. I hate this person, I hate that person, Which I did, Or I blame this person, I blame that person, Which I did up until that point. And that's when I started. Through my research and, You know, The healing journey is not linear, It's, You know, As chaotic as any as chaotic as the pain I was in. However, It's productive pain. You know, When I started doing research and started realizing what happened to me. But at the same time, At the same time realizing how I reacted to what happened to me and that reaction led to poor decisions and a warped perspective, Which brought me to that low point twice in my life. Wow. Yeah. You know, It's, Um. Everything was like, I want to be at the top. I want to be at the top. Top of what? You know. And I found out, You know, Every time I got to the proverbial top, Whatever that was, It was never really my sole goal in the first place. Which is why it never made me happy. Sure. It gave me any satisfaction. You know, And to people who are over-achievers and perfectionists that might be listening, Hustling might get you what you want, But it also may not get you what you want. You know, If it gets you somewhere and it doesn't really make you happy, Well, Is that really, Really, Really where you want it to go? And if you're driven by, You know, A hyper vigilance or a hyper reaction, Even if you're achieving something, It's not going to bring you satisfaction. And this is, You know, What I found out. You know, Always doing more, Always putting yourself out there, Saying yes to everything that came your way, Cradling every tangible and intangible experience like it was a Super Bowl trophy. I thought I was going to get exposure and accolades and recognition and maybe more sales. And what good would that have done anyway? Nothing. It actually brought on stress, Depression, Frustration, More emptiness and anxiety. So I was pursuing things that I thought would not bring me those things. As I'm saying, It's a twisted barbed wire path. It was crazy. And it took me, You know, On my healing journey to understand that failure is actually a setback and it's a learning experience. It is not a destination. And if you're doing what you love or I'm saying being who you love, Which means you will do what you love. The failure will be seen as motivation and a learning experience. Sure. Rather than a scar across your soul. And I saw, You know, Failure totally tied directly to my self-worth and my self-esteem. And that's not what failure is. Failure is not supposed to hinder you. Failure is supposed to motivate you to do better. And that's not if you're a perfectionist and overachiever as I was. It doesn't. It does the opposite. It's like a vicious cycle. You know, The more you try to achieve what you're not even believing in, You're really doing it for the accolades or for people to recognize you, The more you're going to fail. And then the more you fail, The worse you feel about yourself. And then you try to achieve some more and then you fail. And it's just a vicious cycle. One of the other things, You know, You're absolutely right, That I come across in my research is when you live from a place of doing, You're actually living through your mind. And that is usually fear-based. And when it's fear-based, You don't have an authentic life. You don't have authentic choices. If you live through your spirit or your soul and you love who you are, The quality of life resides on what you're being, Not what you're doing. What's the foundation for loving who you are? Where does it come from? I want to do a podcast on this licensed therapist. Her name is Darlene Lancer. And she says in order to raise your children's self-esteem, Raise your own first. Change yourself, Change the world. And it goes, You know, They often tie into that whole airplane. You know, If you're traveling with somebody who is younger or incapacitated and you need oxygen masks, Put on your oxygen mask first. It's the same thing, Same concept. And we'll do a podcast, I think it'll be podcast number 53. We're going to do one on Darlene Lancer. You jump ahead. Yeah, Exactly. Right. It's fantastic. And getting back to the mind, When you are fear-based, It comes from wanting to protect yourself instead of wanting to let go. And is fear even real? You know, It's real to us, But it was created, We learned it. You know, Because if you are not, And this goes back to attachment theory, If you are not reassured by your parents, Caregivers, Whoever is with you in the healthy way, You will have fear-based behavior. You know, We talked about avoiding attachment in the other episodes and. . . But fear of what? Fear of somebody yelling at you, Fear of not being accepted. Everything. It's irrational. It's irrational. And it's a lack of, If you have a lack of self-love, Then you're going to look for it outside by being accepted by others, Approved by others. Again, I say external-based living all the time, Outside in all the time. That is not living. That's fear-based behavior and not soul-based, Love-based behavior. You know, To live, You know, Soul-based and love-based and spirit nourishing, You have to accept that you can't control everything and that the outcome of any experience is going to happen sort of organically. When it's fear-based, You don't trust that process, So it's actually more courageous to trust the process and trust the way things are going to work out than it is to try to control every outcome in an effort to soothe your pain. So as a human doing, I could not be successful or happy because no matter what degree of success I had or whatever I accomplished, There was no joy to it. So you're constantly judging yourself, And even in the most mundane tasks, You know, Everything had to be like, You know, Perfect or what my perception of perfect was. And it's not because there's always something out of place. Well, That's a constant roadblock. When you're judging yourself as you're doing things, You know, We were just talking earlier about being in the zone. This was before we went live. Yeah. And when you're in the zone, You don't even remember what you said or did because you were just doing it. You were in the zone. Came naturally. And it came naturally. That's right. So when you're doing and you're listening to what you're doing all along and judging everything you say or every move you make, How can you move forward? There's so many stumbling blocks in that. You keep stopping and going, Wait a minute, That's not right. I have to go back and do it again. But you don't see it that way. You see it as correct. I didn't see it that way. I didn't see it as an obstacle. I felt it was something I had to fix, So I will be okay. You know, I was vigorously addicted to crossing a finish line, To checking off the box. So it's almost like I had this mental list in my head and it would change and scroll through my brain all the time that, Okay, That's done, That's done. Okay, I'm good now. That's done. That's done. Okay, I'm better now. That's when that's done. Okay, I don't suck. But then did it ever end? Did the list ever end? Never. You were never done. You never ticked off all hundred thousand things on the list and said, Okay, Now I can rest. Right. There's no such thing. No. Well, You rest when you're dead. In that perspective, In that way of living. You know, When you are a human being and not a doing, You will take, You'll care more about how well you perform and how much you learn along the way. The act of whatever you're performing or experiencing is not about just the end so that you can say it's finished. It is about doing a task, Committing to an experience, Performing it well and making something better. Not about, Well, Okay, Now it's done. I'm going to feel better. No. If you've made something better, You've learned something along the way that nourished your soul, Then it's authentic. Right. And it's true and it's not fear-based. So if you base your self-esteem on what you do and what you accomplish instead of who you are, That's a desperate and impossible position to be in and live in. You know, When you see failure as unacceptable and a source of pain, It's an attack on your self-esteem and means that I don't deserve love. But I'll deserve love if I check, You know, I'll get that love if I check off every box. Right. And I cross that finish line. Once I'm skinny and beautiful, I will be loved. That's another one. And we talked about that, You know, That girl on the beach last week. Doing the sit-ups. Doing the sit-ups while everyone's listening to music. What kind of love was she looking for? I don't know. I hope she's listening. And you learn all that from being a baby. And that goes back to the still face experiment, Which we talked about in a previous podcast. I don't remember which one. I'm sorry. A couple podcasts ago. Yeah. So, You know, In that still face experiment, The baby was frustrated because it was not getting the reaction from the mother that it needed. Wanted and needed. Well, What happens when the baby is adorable and goo goo ga ga and then the mother reacts? But then they do the experiment and the baby's goo goo ga ga and the mother doesn't react. Then the baby goo goo ga ga's more and more and more to the point of screaming and crying. So that's kind of like the destination addiction. Great segue. How much is a segue? Thank you. About two pounds. Yeah. Great segue. Fantastic. Wait, Can I applaud? Thank you. On that note, We're gonna take a short break and listen to a little bit of Tammy's song, Running on Empty. Always moving. Never anywhere. Easy to repeat. We don't. Words are the weapons. Pain is the gun. Never. Running on empty. Do the hustle. So we're hopefully connecting toxic childhood to, I would say, Challenging adulthood. It's like manic behavior. So, You know, I want to get back to the still face experiment for a second. At the end of that, You know, When that baby's like Turner Turner and him or herself inside out for attention over time, When that happens several times a day. For 18 years, You pretty much guaranteed a complete disconnection from your soul, Your spirit, Your spirit and living a life outside in. Because you're, You know, You look at that baby turning themselves in inside out and then you look at check it off that box. Trusting the finish line, Turning myself inside out. Same kind of thing. It's the there's it's a direct. It's the only direct line when you have a war perspective. You know, It's so easily connected. You know, I easily felt abandoned and rejected over small things many times a day for years. So every action, Every week, Every action, Every reaction and overreaction and every poor decision was a desperate attempt to fill that emptiness of just wanting to be recognized and celebrated for who I was. And did you get that, Though, From other people like your husband, Your kids, Your friends later on in life? No, Because if you're not open to it, I should have, You know, Or maybe you just maybe did, But you didn't recognize it or maybe it just wasn't enough. You know, It's when you have such a warped view on life the way I did, It's hard to see anything for what it really is. So even if perspective is everything, Isn't it? And if you have a shattered spirit, How can you have a clear perspective? It just, And I think that it's a simple concept. Okay, Toxic childhood led to, You know, Toxic perspective, Which is why I had mental health issues. It's a simple explanation, But getting from, You know, Painful point A to, You know, Happy point C takes a lot of work. And you have to look in and when you look inward, You know, I'm speaking again for myself, And you realize that you have to mourn the loss of a childhood that you never had. You know, And I, You know, I think I mentioned this in the last podcast, It's hard to for me some days to accept that I'll never, You know, Be what I was supposed to be. Had I had a different childhood, I think of all the things I could have accomplished. I feel like in an authentic way. Yeah, You know, Not the check off the box way but in a way that I would have enjoyed. Well, You would have had the freedom to make clear decisions about what you wanted rather than this motivation to constantly get the reassurance you were missing. If you think about why are people born with skills for music, Skills for math, Skills for writing code, Skills for, You know, Selling products, You know, There is a natural spirit that we all possess that is unique to us. If that's not celebrated at eight months or two years or four years, And you are raised through the prism of emotional neglect and emotional abuse. How will you ever know who you, You know, Who are you supposed to be all you'll know is what you're supposed to do. Right. And, You know, We live in a constant state of hyper vigilance. And that's really scanning for threats scanning for opportunities to feel better. That's exhausting. It is. And I made so many, You know, When you're a human doer all you worry about is the future. Because what's next. You know what, You know, So you're never living in the moment never living in the moment so you can you don't enjoy. And you miss really truthfully it's all we have I mean today is what we have, Like yesterday's gone and tomorrow we don't know. But you hear that oh, You know, Let let it go. Live in the here now. Well, What does that mean if you have an addiction to chasing happy, Based on poor upbringing, And if you're not doing what you were meant to do in this world, How can you enjoy the now, And how can you enjoy the now. When you're in some job that you don't know why you're there even. How did I end up here right. And that's called you know Lisa Romano, And I think I've put links to her thing talks about moving from the you know the unconscious, Unconscious to the conscious stepping through the veil of consciousness, And that really means is when you identify all those, All those emotional emotionally neglectful and abusive experiences as being your parents fault, Or your parents problem, Or, You know, And not yours. That's a first step into gaining clarity as to who you're supposed to be, And not what are you supposed to do. And when you have parents who are controlling and manipulative and guilt tripping. So everything is okay what can I do to avoid being made to feel guilty and being told that I'm not good enough and that I didn't do enough. So, Everything is okay you're going to, You know, Spend time with a parent or a partner or friend, Whatever. And if they are toxic, And they control manipulate or guilt trip, Your experience with that is about self protection, And not a natural exchange of two souls, Or three souls, Or whatever it is. And what do you do when you recognize that you know you're sitting in a room with somebody who's manipulative or toxic or just not, You know, Not genuine and you know it. So what do you do when you sit and recognize after you start your healing journey. Yes, Before. Well, Because there's two different answers before let's start with before, Or before, You know, Realize it. And suddenly like you're being made to feel guilty, I get defensive argue back lash out. But self protection right makes sense self protection, And then after you started your healing journey. Then it started. Oh, I see what's going on here. They are. I look at it as they're projecting their pain onto me in a much more crass analogy. They are holding a bag of shit. And they're handing it to me and say here, You hold it. Now in, If you actually brought that out into real life, You'd be like, I don't know shit that smells that stinks what am I going to do with it. Replace shit with control manipulation and guilt trip, And you might be less willing to hold on to it. Oh, That's a great analogy. And use a bad word don't hold the shit people don't hold the shit don't do the whole the other people shit. If it's your shit, You know, Figure it out, Clean it up, But if it's people shit. Don't hold it. Throw it in the woods. Hold my dog shit but throw it in the woods. I know that was really bad huh. It's a great analogy. Yeah, And, You know, Human doings duty. Okay, Where there's a connection there. Oh I'm so childish, You are, You can send me a nasty email telling me to grow up. I'm okay with it. No, No, You're good. So, So human beings. You can become a human being. If you stop holding the shit. Ah ha, There it is. Think on that for a minute and we'll be right back. That's Tammy song called running on empty. What is that about Tammy Tell us a story about it. So, I was inspired to write that song after reading Dr. Janice's web book running on empty. And she talks about, I think she could actually coined the phrase childhood emotional neglect it's abbreviated as C and. And what the book did for me was bring to light. Why I was behaving the way I was, Why I was running in circles with a destination addiction. Why I perpetually made decisions to soothe my pain instead of what was true for me. And she gives wonderful examples of different scenarios. How toxic family experiences, Over time, Will completely destroy. Most kids ability to grow into their own and have any kind of emotional intelligence, Because you can only learn what you've been taught and. And she talked about the deification of parents are gods. So what happened after you had those realizations Did you, Did you get angry. Did you suddenly want to take action, You know, Did you want to ask somebody question. Thank you. Thank you. I do it for the applause. Okay, You are wonderful you are worthy well that's originally why I started singing it was all about the applause. Now it's for other reasons but it was all about the applause at first. Great question, And I was honestly shell shocked. It was almost like every time I would read something new and it was I call it, I had so many aha moments, You know, Which is part of how I ended up titling my book is every time I had an aha moment it brought more clarity, But at the same time, More pain in terms of being so disappointed that I was on the wrong path and that and, You know, Discovering that I was a human doing instead of a human being. It was a painful realization, When you reach a certain point in your life and you're like, Wait a minute, Everything I've done is shit. Everything I've done is wrong for what I really wanted to do. That's a very hard. It was, It was painful and it's sometimes it still is. Yeah, But it's it's more, The pain is no longer the force of all my decisions and all my behavior and all of my thoughts. It's just kind of now part of who I am. And I tried to, Which is why I wrote the book and why you know I'm doing this podcast is I can do something positive with it, Rather than wallowing in it. That's a great way to turn it around. It's almost like you know you are on this path with the barbed wire. And now, You know, You've made the barbed wire go away. And now you're on your path, The authentic path. And that's really, Really a great thing. That's what we hope for, You know, Our listeners to be able to find their authentic path and find what really makes them happy in life. That's exactly my goal. And I think when people start to strip away those layers of distortion of emotional abuse of emotion, Neglect of toxic upbringing, You will get closer to who you were supposed to be. And you can ask yourself, What do I want to do? What am I doing? What do I want to do? And do what you want to do. There's nothing stopping you. After every aha moment, I kept saying, Where the hell have I been? And what the hell have I been doing? And why have I been doing it? Yeah. And the better question is, Who am I supposed to be now? Not what am I going to do? Or how am I going to do it? Who am I supposed to be? How am I going to be? And what's authentic and true for me? And the more I read and the more I talk and the more I write, The clearer it becomes for me. And I don't feel that I'm unique in terms of having that experience. I think everybody, If they put the right amount of time in the right amount of way for you into research, Not just venting that, You know, And you should vent and get it off your chest. Absolutely. But to understand where you came from and why, You know, My first question to people when they are making the same mistake over and over again is, What are you doing? It's you. Like, You're doing something that keeps repeating this pattern that keeps perpetuating this response from the people that you keep surrounding yourself with. And that's the first question. Like, It's you. Take it personally and say, What am I doing and where did it come from? I think understanding more of that will help you live a happier life and really find what you were meant to be and do. And I think a lot of people who with a destination addiction and a chasing happy addiction, You know, I've read, You know, As several books, Watched hundreds of videos, Read hundreds of articles. And a lot of people who have the same experience that I have had have drug issues, Eating disorders, Multiple marriages and chronic. Oh, Yeah. Chronic misery, Chronic anxiety, Chronic depression. And my my mother used to say to me, When will I be happy? And I remember taking a course on the science of happiness. Oh, I took that course, Too. Isn't it great? Yes. And and it's free course people on edX dot org. It's amazing the science of happiness. And one of the things was when people obsess about being happy. That's actually manic. That's actually like, You know, Bad. Like, You know, It's just as bad to obsess about other things when you obsess about when will I be happy? You're never going to be happy. That's not the answer. So I just remember that was very eye opening for me. And I think happy sometimes can be a dirty word. You know, I think I even mean right. I think content, Authentic, Authentic, Fulfilled at peace. Yeah. Fulfilled is a great word. Awesome word. I know. You know, I know for me, Like people always say to me, Oh, Are you going on vacation or do you want to go on vacation? And I'm always like, My life is vacation. Like I I don't want to go on vacation. I live every day vacation. Well, That's, You know, That's not like lying on a beach. That's not my idea of vacation. I just enjoy what I do and living a life that you never have to take a vacation from. Absolutely. I'm working towards that. Yeah, I'm trying baby steps. Yeah. Yeah. But when you love what you do and who you are, What you're what you feel, You know, You feel comfortable in your situation. It's really a great feeling. But it takes it's a journey. I mean, I didn't always feel that way. And it's I you know, I talk about micro moments, You know, In life, You know, Micro positive moments, Micro negative moments. And a perfect, A simple example of, You know, A step you can take is, You know, When. People are around you that you care about are controlling you, Manipulating you and guilt tripping you. And you get infuriated as a way to self-protect. One of the micro steps that you can take is to breathe. Pause and say, What's actually happening here? And say it out loud to yourself. Either way. Whatever works for you. And so you actually call somebody on it and say, What are you doing right now? Or you could say if you're not going, You know, A lot of times when you have people who control, Manipulate and guilt trip, You're not going to get a straight answer. It's a great question to ask me, Though. But say I'm sorry that you weren't happy with what I've done. That is the best I can do. Or if someone says, You know, Why aren't you use a benign example? Why aren't you coming at, You know, Five o'clock for dinner? Why waiting until seven? You know, As if, You know, This this person that's saying that is saying, Well, If I was important, You would be here at five, Not seven. You know, That's a simple thing. Well, That has nothing to do with it. No, You're not unimportant because I want to be here at seven instead of five. I have other things to do. It has nothing to do. You know, I'm not a. So can you calmly say that without getting triggered? You. That's up to you. Based on can you handle. A poor response, Because that's probably what you're going to get if you can say that. And we'll get into the gray rock method, Which ties into that. There'll be podcast number 42. That's but disengaging from somebody's efforts to make you feel bad will actually make you feel better. Yeah, I like that. That's real control. I like when you don't fuel the fire, You know, When you know what somebody's M. O. Is and you know where it's coming from. You don't give them what they want. That response that they want. Crying, Screaming, Kicking, Blaming, Whatever. You don't give them the response they want. And you just very matter of fact, You don't feel their fire. So in terms of the process of fueling somebody's fire, When I do another analogy. When you leave the house and go start your car, Do you think about I'm going to go through the front door? I'm going to walk down the steps. I'm going to walk around to the driver's side. I'm going to unlock my car and get you think about that. No, Second nature. Second nature. Fueling somebody's fire is second nature. Because if you were doing that at two and they were doing that to you at three and it was it's been, You know, Thousands and thousands of hours and days and minutes of that fueling fires is automatic. So that's what you learned. That's what you learned. And it's right. But you don't even know that it's now automatic. Like you just do it right. And you're upset. You don't even know why. But then when you you get the awareness of what you've been doing and what's happened to you, It's you're able to. Once you begin your healing journey and you're aware. Aware. Key word. That somebody is trying to hand you their bag of duty. You won't take it. Right. You will not hold it. It's true. So just remember, When someone tries to make you feel guilty or ashamed because you, Quote unquote, Weren't good enough. Given back the duty. Give them their shit back. That's right. By non response. Not getting angry. Angry is trying to control the outcome. Yeah. Anger is always fear based behavior. Right. You're trying to make them stop. If you react negatively, Then they win. Then they've achieved what they set out to achieve. Absolutely. A reaction means attention. Yeah. Even if it's negative. You don't have to do it. You have options. You have options. And once you realize that, You know, Your response is as automatic as walking to your car and starting it. And that that automatic response is not working for you. You'll choose a better response. I love it. On that note, This has been Don't Do the Hustle on the Stuck Stops here. I'm L. W. Nolai with Tammy Reseda-Atman. And we are very excited to present a upcoming podcast. We're going to be interviewing a life coach. Once again, We are not licensed therapists or life coaches. We just love to talk about this subject matter. And, You know, We like to continue our healing and share it with you. Absolutely. I want everyone on the same path as me so we can all sing Kumbaya together. And a small favor. If you like our podcast, Please leave a review. If you don't like it, I've learned how to cope with that. Can you hold this bag of shit? Leave a review. Visit our Instagram, Our Facebook, Twitter, Our Twitter. Visit our website, Thestuckstopshere. Com. Read the book, The Stuck Stops Here. And we're going to see you or speak to you next week. We don't. Pain is the gun. That never. Running on empty. A building was a kid. Those mountains. We cover. The. Pain is the gun. That never. Lame for everyone. It's. Never anywhere. But never anywhere. Easy. What we don't.