Heal In Place. Fill Your Still. (Abandonment)

This is Tammy Atman of the Stuck Stops Here.

During these unusual and uncertain times,

I thought it would help to create mini podcasts to share the resources I use on my healing journey in a more direct way.

Most of us may be sheltering in place with no distractions and also no escape.

If you are like the old,

Erratically busy me,

This stillness may be torture.

If you have woken up and are searching for a path to recovery or already on a healing journey,

I truly hope these 10-minute mini podcasts resonate.

I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place and fill your still.

Today's topic,

Abandonment,

Both physical and emotional by parents.

John Bradshaw quote,

When children have shame-based parents,

They identify with them.

This is the first step in the child's internalizing shame because the children carry their parent's shame.

Shame is internalized when one is abandoned.

Abandonment is the precise term to describe how one loses one's authentic self and ceases to exist psychologically.

Children cannot know who they are without reflective mirrors.

Mirroring is done by one's primary caregiver,

Parents,

And is crucial in the first years of life.

Abandonment includes the loss of mirroring.

Parents who are shut down emotionally,

As all shame-based parents are,

Cannot mirror and affirm their children's emotions.

Quote by John Bradshaw.

So my father physically abandoned me most of my childhood and my mother emotionally abandoned me my entire life.

Living with these repeated abandonment experiences created toxic shame and for me was a very destructive force in my adult life.

The painful message I received as a child was that you are not important.

You are not a value.

This is the pain from which I needed to heal.

Emotional abandonment occurs when parents do not provide the emotional conditions and the nurturing environment necessary for healthy development.

I like to define emotional abandonment as occurring when a child has to hide part of who he or she is in order to be accepted and to avoid being rejected.

When parents like mine are critical,

Dismissive,

Invasive,

Preoccupied,

They are unable to empathize with their children's feelings and needs.

I felt misunderstood,

Alone,

Hurt,

Angry,

Rejected,

And deflated.

Children are vulnerable and it doesn't take much for a child to feel hurt,

Abandoned,

And ashamed.

A parent who gives a child a lot of attention but isn't attuned to the child's needs,

Which then go unmet,

Is emotionally abandoning the child.

Abandonment can also occur when a parent confides in his or her child and expects the child to take on age-appropriate responsibilities.

Abandonment happens when children are unfairly treated or in some way given a message that their experience is unimportant or wrong.

Breaking this cycle means unlearning and relearning,

Re-parenting ourselves,

And using self-compassion.

Thanks to decades of attachment studies,

We know that healthy,

Effective bonds guarantee the development of a fulfilling adult life filled with healthy relationships,

Healthy self-esteem,

And the security and trust of others.

On the other hand,

Insecure attachment sets us on a path toward insecurity,

Low self-esteem,

And lack of trust towards those around us.

This was me.

My parents,

Even during the time of the 70s,

That decade was designed to keep children quiet while adults talked about important things.

Children were to be seen,

Not heard.

The problem with not listening to children manifests itself in low self-esteem and toxic coping strategies as adults.

Other examples of emotional abandonment.

Children cannot live up to the expectations of their parents if those expectations are unrealistic and not age-appropriate,

With my mother's physical handicap or challenge.

Handicap is not a proper word,

But at the time that's what it was.

It was unrealistic for me to fix her deafness,

And yet that was the unspoken expectation that I had.

Children are held responsible for everyone else's behavior.

They may be consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parents.

This was also me.

Disapproval aimed at their beings and identity rather than a particular behavior,

And that's a huge problem.

Bashing the child's soul and spirit is much different than getting mad at them for not cleaning their room.

When it's spirit-based instead of behavior-based,

Those will have lifelong consequences.

News that I struggled with as a result of being abandoned,

Trusting others.

So if I can't trust my parents,

I can't trust anyone.

If the people who are meant to love you and care for you,

Most in this world leave you or ignore you,

How are you supposed to trust anyone else?

You grow up believing everyone will behave in the same horrible way your parents did.

I lived my life constantly on guard for being abandoned and rejected.

This scar of being both physically and emotionally abandoned left a huge black hole inside me,

And this big hole isolated me,

Depressed me,

And caused several emotional breakdowns.

In addition to trusting others,

Another issue was guilt and shame.

As a child,

I was confused why my dad left me and why my mother ignored me.

She ignored me until I got older,

So that was very confusing.

So in the absence of a logical explanation,

I felt responsible and blamed myself for my dad's decision to leave,

And my mother's indifference only added to the guilt and shame.

Children who aren't allowed to speak up will boil with the rage they hold inside.

This was me,

And it was destructive.

Children who grow up,

Like me,

In that type of environment will have a lot of anxiety and depression as they get older as a direct result of not being heard in childhood.

Self-worth.

Being left by the people who brought you into this world makes you wonder what is wrong with you.

I never felt good enough.

I had poor coping skills.

I had a lot of anxiety,

Anger,

And periods of severe depression.

Feeling worthy of being loved is critical to attracting and maintaining it.

Feeling unworthy starts very,

Very young.

Healing from this includes unlearning and relearning beliefs and the inner voices of our parents that live inside our minds and still run our lives today.

On your healing journey,

Once you have identified your grief and have processed through feelings,

There are some exercises you can do to continue to heal yourself.

Identify the part of you that is hurt.

You can label this as your hurt inner child.

If the source of your hurt occurred in adulthood,

This doesn't matter because these abandonment wounds put you in a childlike state of mind.

It's likely that you're aggressed to a younger,

More helpless age as a result.

Now picture the part of you that is healthy and compassionate.

This is the part that rescues your hurt inner child by offering love,

Time,

Empathy,

Hope,

Nurturing,

And encouragement,

The very things you did not get from your parents when you were young.

Identify coping strategies and any false selves that you've created.

This is the part that's trying to compensate for the hurt experienced by the abandonment of your parent.

Identify parts of you that are trying to respond to the hurt in a very unhealthy way.

For me,

This was a lethal combination of perfectionism,

Overachieving,

Codependency,

Suppressed rage that would seep out inappropriately,

And emotional numbness.

Have conversations with that hurt inner abandoned child.

Tell yourself you are a value.

You have worth.

Be present for yourself in a real and tangible way.

In light of these scary times,

You can do this.

You have the time.

In the end,

No matter how your parents hurt you or how you may have been affected from their emotional damage,

You still have a life to live.

Even if you have an ache in your heart,

You can still thrive,

Find hope and love,

And live well.

You can do this by honoring your feelings,

Acknowledging the loss,

Validating the consequences of the loss,

And enjoying your life.