Eliminating Self-Sabotage & Finding Flow

1:01:58

1:01:58

Eliminating Self-Sabotage & Finding Flow

by David Longhini

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5

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talks

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Meditation

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Everyone

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26

What underlies self-sabotage? What gets in the way of us getting where we want to go? How do we approach it and reveal it so we can become more whole and move forward cleanly? That's what we discuss here today.

Self Sabotage Shame Grounding Body Scan Stress Anxiety Self Acceptance Self Worth Self Compassion Grounding Exercises Body Scan Meditation

Meet your Teacher

Los Cerritos, 23361 El Pescadero, B.C.S., Mexico

Meet your Teacher

Los Cerritos, 23361 El Pescadero, B.C.S., Mexico

Transcript

Let's go ahead and get started, And the world has been kind and interesting lately in terms of the class sessions have been poignant, Because this class was put up three weeks ago, And it fits for me this week, Because the class title that we're going with is Eliminating Self-Sabotage and Creating Flow, And this week has been a good bit of self-sabotage on my part, And there's a couple things that I want to frame it as. As we go into today, We'll have a grounding, A talk, And depending on how talkative people are, We'll have a meditation or an exercise, Because this is the frame that I want everybody to think about what we're doing going in. There is no such thing as self-sabotage. There is only self-protection, Meaning that a part of ourselves is protecting us from something else we don't want to face greater than the consequences of sabotage. Two, That when we have repetitive self-sabotage, It is a function of shame. It is a part of ourselves that we don't allow ourselves to be seen and that we hide from and we avoid and we're unwilling to see, And because we're unwilling to face it, And we're unwilling to see it and share it, It goes in a repetitive loop over and over and over again, And since we're looking at it from the outside in, We have a tendency to use it as our identity rather than a function of something we're unwilling to see and unwilling to share. So I'm going to try to explore a new format today, Which is going to involve everyone who has the ability and willingness to be putting things in the chat, But we're really going to dive deep into today what it is that helps us get out of self-protection from believing that there's a part of ourselves that we can't show, See, Or experience. Sound good to everyone? If so, Let's go ahead and settle in for our grounding. If you want to find a comfortable position, Close your eyes, Take a deep, Deep breath, And let it out with a sigh. Take another deep, Deep, Deep breath, And breathe out as slowly, Slowly, Slowly, Slowly as you can. And take another one, Almost as if you're a child showing off food babies and how deep you can make your stomach come out, And whistle it out like you're whistling through a straw. And now take a moment to be with yourself as it is right now. Start with the bottom of your feet. How do they feel? What position are they? And then move to your hips, And your ground, And your seat. How does it feel? Are you laying down? Are you in a chair? What is supporting you? And what does it feel like to be supported? And then bring back your attention to your breathing without manipulating it or changing it. Is it deep and slow? Or fast and sharp with quick exhales? Does it feel forced or smooth? Is it through your chest or your belly? Because these are all signs, Like having a mission control of how you actually are right now. Because it's really easy, And I bet there's a couple of you who walked in this class saying, I'm doing pretty good today. But the body keeps the score. Because if your breath is short and shallow, You're in fight or flight, Simple as that. If you move your attention to your shoulders and your back, If they're tense, Your body believes it's in danger, And it's holding it until safety is created. If you put your hand on your heart, And your heartbeat is slow and steady, You're in a state of calm. But if it's fast, Faster than this amount of non-activity warrants, Then it believes you need a little more energy to conquer an unsafe situation. Everywhere you look around your body tells you where your body actually believes you are, Whether it's dangerous or safe, Whether it's okay to relax or tension still needs to be held. And your mind tells you the same thing. If your mind is racing with many, Many thoughts, It may be trying to solve or distract from the danger. If it's numb and quiet, It's disassociated because it doesn't believe that it can handle it at the moment, And it's put us in override. And if it's ruminating on the same thing, It's collaborating with you, Saying, I cannot be safe until this is solved. All of which give us a signal. That I've come to reminding people every day, You cannot solve from a position of stress. It doesn't work that way. As long as you're stressed, You'll be looking for danger because that's what stress is, The sign that I'm in danger. So if in this scan, You came to realize how activated you are, I encourage you to do one of two things. Either put your hands on your stomach and bring most of your attention to having deep belly breathing with slow exhales, Challenging yourself to go slower. And slower and slower. While saying, I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. Right. And you might have to add, I'm safe right now. I'm safe right here. That's something that gives yourself permission to relax. Or, You don't need my permission. But this class isn't useful unless you're in a state to practice and hear it. And I'm sure there's another class either here or somewhere online right now that'll help you simply calm your nervous system. And you have my permission, Which you do not need, To leave and find that. This will be recorded and most likely repeated. But go ahead and keep breathing in that way until you feel truly present to listen and hear and practice with us today. So go ahead. If you're ready, Wiggle your fingers and toes. Give yourself permission to yawn and stretch. And when you feel ready, Go ahead and open your eyes. And the first thing I want to say, Because I've never had somebody reach out, When I say, You can put your hands on your stomach and breathe that way, Is that if you're avoiding that out of shame, This is potentially the class for you today. But I still encourage you. To keep doing it. Listen as if it's a podcast in the background, But keep most of your attention on your breathing and reminding yourself that you are safe. And the reason for this is our first point today is there is no such thing as self-sabotage. There's self-protection. Meaning literally that we're protecting a part of ourself that we don't believe can handle it. And we're not sure we're going to be okay. So anything you can do, And if people want to put in things today that they're saying, I self-sabotage on this. I actually have an entire class on it. I'm not sure if we got it recorded and up, But everyone can say, I'm self-sabotaging on cleaning. What's going to happen when you finish cleaning? I can give you some examples that will go not too deep into it today. Unless someone goes, I don't agree with you. That needs more convincing. Let's say you're avoiding cleaning the house. What's going to happen when you clean the house? A couple of ideas. One, Once you clean the house, You're going to have to make some big decisions in your life. You do not want to make. Two, In the act of cleaning the house, You're going to have to make some decisions. You do not want to make. Three, Right now you're able to use not cleaning the house as a reason why you can't do anything else or a reason why you don't have to process anything else or a way to maintain an identity that you are a procrastinator, That you have too much to do, Or that you never have the energy so that you get to protect yourself from doing something else that is really, Really scary. And when you look at it, This is always true, But the last thing people want to focus on, I have someone who's working with me right now in coaching who started by saying procrastination is their biggest thing. And if they could just stop procrastinating, Just stop sabotaging, Then they'd be okay. And I knew it, But I think they were starting to get it pretty quickly. That's never the case. We procrastinate for a reason. We procrastinate because the consequences of sabotage, The consequences of procrastination are less than the consequences of moving forward. So we're never, Ever sabotaging or protecting. And that's an important reframe because when we say we're self-sabotaging, We're talking through the lens of shame. Meaning we're shaming ourselves saying, Oh, I can't trust myself. There's this part of myself that's sabotaging me. Literally like how, What a visceral word. I could be reaching my potential. I could be doing this. I could be all of my dreams, But I keep sabotaging myself. What a story. Because on one part, When you look at it from the outside, It's really easy to think that that's an empowering thing to say. I'm going to eliminate self-sabotage. I'm going to end this. I'm going to stop doing these things that hold me back. So the, And this is pretty common in a certain area, Area of spirituality. So that the glorious, Wonderful, Perfect, Kind, Considerate, Incredible me can shine. But that's not how it works. Because what we're doing every time we do that is we're shutting down and shaming the part of ourselves that's protecting us. That's protecting us because we don't want to see it. And we don't want to accept it. And you can think of shame as I am shoving a part of myself that isn't okay into a corner and hiding it from the world. And I'm putting layers of scar tissue and avoidance over it. But it's still a part of me. And deep down, I know it's a part of me and I won't truly be okay until I remove that scar tissue. And accept and love that piece of myself. So how does that work? For those of you who joined later, I said I have done a good bit of self-protection this week. And so I'll share what it is. I will admit, I am still reeling, Months later, From my dog getting hit and dying. But if you look at Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief, One of them is depression. And I wouldn't allow myself to be depressed. It's not something that I consider to be a safe thing. And this week, I dealt with that because we're pretty much alone in a town where my Spanish is not good enough. And we just decided to not take a foster dog that reminded us too much of our own dog. And it hurt. And it hurt. And I didn't allow myself to be depressed. Because in my family, Depression is a dirty word for a couple of reasons. Because my mother's parents were from the Great Depression. And anytime you were even mildly bored or depressed, You would be shamed for it. And said, We don't have time for that. This isn't something you can do. Buck up, Do something. Rather than feel. The weight of circumstances. And two, When I was in middle school, My father really screwed up. Bought a huge piece of equipment without really planning it through for his business. And with the weight of it over his head and nearing bankruptcy, He got really sick and something was wrong with his eyes and couldn't work. And the entire period, He was just laying on the couch in complete and utter shame. Basically having chocolate milk as his meals. And my mother was scared to death. And did have zero compassion. And everyone was so scared and so tense. And a deep part of my body memory remembers that to say, You do not feel depression. You do not. You don't do that. That is not something you do. Everything will fall apart and everyone will end up struggling and you will cause problems for absolutely everyone else. So, When something like that happens, You learn to shut off a piece of yourself. You learn to shut off deep sadness. You learn to shut off anger. You learn to shut off pleasure and joy if you had a really neurotic family who needed it to be bad. You learn to shut off a lot of things when you learn that they're not okay. And then we cover them up with shame. Because what shame is, Is the idea that this part of myself is not only not okay, But will create disconnection in between me and others. And therefore, It is the last thing I am going to say. The last thing that I'm going to do. The last thing that I am going to allow to be on the surface because it's unacceptable. And I'm going to pause because I want people to start thinking, If there is something you're sabotaging in your life that you came into this class with, There's really something you're protecting yourself from doing. And something about that protection is not okay. Because for instance, Maybe you're protecting yourself from taking a big leap because that would be really scary. But there is a huge piece of yourself that has built a personality that says, It's not okay to feel fear. Or you're protecting yourself by keeping your world small and not adding too many things because you don't want to be overwhelmed. Because if you're overwhelmed, Then balls drop and people stop loving you because it isn't okay to drop the balls in every single things that we look at. In sabotage, There's something we're protecting ourselves from. And that thing we're protecting ourselves from is the source of our shame. The thing we're not allowed to do. So, What is it for you? We can start putting in situations if someone is saying, I don't really know what it is. And we can start figuring it out together because it's usually easy to see someone else's. But I'm going to give some examples, Hopefully in time for us to get to exercise. And we can start putting in questions as well. Because what is the thing that you're not allowed to do because you know it won't be okay? Are you not allowed to be afraid? Are you not allowed to be nervous? Are you not allowed to be joyful and relaxed? I know families where that's true. In fact, I know a lot of parties that are happening right now where in my country, Where if someone said, I'm perfectly relaxed and I'm enjoying life. Someone's going to look at them and say, How can you be enjoying life right now? So, What part of you are you protecting yourself from through this idea of sabotage? Does anyone have any ideas? I'm willing to put in because I'll give people two minutes to really think while I read what Angie said. So, Jeanette, Thank you for being the first and I hope for more. Speaking up. Yep, I keep self-sabotaging myself from speaking up. Let's reframe. I'm protecting myself from speaking up because when I speak up, Something shameful happens. I get criticized. I get judged. I get labeled. I get distanced from. I get rejected. I get abandoned. Therefore, I have deep shame because there is a part of me that really, Really wants to speak up. But I've learned to say that this part of me is not okay, Is not acceptable. And if I do speak up, I'm going to be shunned. So, When we look at that, We're protecting ourselves. We're not sabotaging ourselves because if Jeanette lived in a family where speaking up for her needs, Speaking up for what she wanted, Saying, Hey, This wasn't okay. Hey, I don't want to do this. Hey, I don't like this, Was accepted and encouraged and she didn't have traumatic experiences outside the family. If she didn't learn that it was shameful, Aka disconnecting to speak up, I'd be willing to bet that Jeanette wouldn't struggle and sabotage herself from doing it. Does that make sense? And would you agree, Jeanette? And next with Roseanne, All my life I've had insomnia. On some level, I don't allow myself to sleep. Chronic fatigue is my reason for keeping my life small. That's the funniest part and Roseanne already caught it because what am I going to do? You ever seen, I'm probably really out of touch. I haven't had a television in a decade, I think. But I just remember growing up and occasionally getting on a channel with like rappers having battles and there's always the rapper leading forward, Like he's going to get in a fight and there's the hold me back guy, The one who's holding them back and having to make it look realistic to make sure that they don't actually get in a fight where they're going to end up losing out on millions of dollars in media appearances but making it look like he really wants to fight. So many of the things we do are like that because someone says, You know, I really want to have this life because that's the thing that's acceptable, To want to have that life. In fact, I'll have a good share on that in a second in reverse but that would mean facing and doing these things. Therefore, But this is the tricky part because I want to say this again because this is the click but if it was okay to say, I'm really scared of these things. I'm really uncomfortable with these things. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what to do. They would feel really scary and have someone still love and accept you then we wouldn't sabotage. We wouldn't need to have insomnia and not allow themselves to sleep. We would just be able to admit, You know what? Right now I'm choosing to have a small, That's a judgment, Life, A regular life because the things that I'd have to do, The way I'd have to face, The lifestyle I'd have to live, The uncomfortable situations that I'd have to put myself in, The uncertainty that's inherent with it, To have a large life. I don't want it. I don't want it. That's super, Super common in the U. S. I know we're not in all in the U. S. Here. We're kind of all over the world but in the U. S. And it's sometimes hard for my girlfriend from Liechtenstein, Which if you don't know that, It's like a miniature Switzerland with different rules and a prince, To understand because she lives in a culture where saying you want to live a really big life is shameful. It's saying that you think you're better than other people. So it's sometimes hard for her to understand, For instance, In the United States that it is shameful in our culture, In the majority of it, To say I'm happy exactly as I am, Living the life I am with what I have and that's enough. So often people will construct a reason why they don't have a house on Cribs, 10 million followers on social media, Making millions of dollars, Being super important on the top of the pyramid. Instead, If it's shameful to go for where we're going, But we're still scared of doing it, We will sabotage ourselves, But we only call it sabotage because we're unwilling to admit to ourselves. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. I don't want to do it. I don't want to slow down. It's not okay. Does this make sense to everyone? Yeah. Johnny, Same. Self-sabotaging my sleep by not going to bed at a good time and getting up at a good time or my preferred time. Yeah. And that's why we're at the time. I'm going to capture what everyone else said and then I'm going to start going into exercises because I want to share because there is nothing that gets people going more than the idea of processing shame, But we're going to do it today. So Paula said, From clearing the clutter from my beautiful cabin, I'm afraid I will have to question who I've been telling myself I am. When I was a child, I stayed invisible to avoid my father's anger, Which I saw him direct at my sister. I felt so sad I didn't stand up for her. Yep. Deep down, We sabotage. And this is always the click. We sabotage, We protect when there is something we're protecting ourselves from, But we cannot truly admit that to ourselves and accept that that's okay. So I'm going to say that one more time just to really make sure it clicks in. If you are sabotaging, You are protecting yourself from something. But if you were simply protecting yourself from something that you were perfectly okay with the fact that you were protecting yourself from, You wouldn't have sabotage. It would look like, I'm going to find my way out of this. I'm going to find a way to avoid this. I'm going to construct a life that I don't. I'm going to proudly and comfortably say, You know what? There's a huge difference in between, For instance, A friend of mine, Or I'm just trying not to be too specific, But someone I know who's close to my family is a total slob. She doesn't want to clean up. Her house is a mess. She's got a one-year-old and a nine-year-old, And she's okay. She's not over there saying I'm sabotaging myself. She's saying, I've got children. I've got too much to do. This is just how things are. As long as I don't have the baby having something that she can swallow, I'm pretty much okay with this. Similar, I know people who stay up until 2 a. M. And just play video games and then just work in the morning, And they're not sabotaging. They're just doing it. But if you're trying to tell yourself you're sabotaging, It's because you're protecting yourself from something that you are unwilling to accept. You're protecting yourself from speaking up, But a part of you says it's not okay to protect yourself from speaking up because that would mean that you're deeply afraid, And it's not okay to be afraid, Or that you're feeling small and uncomfortable. And it's not okay to be that. Somewhere there's a part that isn't okay. And Tisha said, Overspending. Started working very young at 12 and had to buy my own clothes and occasionally pay parents' bills, So money was always taken away. Yep. So, To protect your own money and to protect it for yourself means something. You're not sabotaging. You're saying, I'm not willing to do this. In fact, My mother is quite overweight, And we had a good conversation about it a couple of years ago where I said, When you think about trying to lose weight, She's like, It seems like I'm depriving myself. And when the story comes down to being a mother with my father not really wanting to be a father in the early days, Not really wanting to be a good one, The only real joy that she would give herself is food. So she's depriving herself of the only thing that she had in her hardest moments. So she's protecting herself from what would happen if she took that away. The anger, The rage, The resentment, The frustration, The lashing out, That all of those things, They were her protection. And then Stark. It's my work. I'm able, But I retreat at every victory. There's something about being seen and heard that's becoming a hurdle I just stand in front of. Yeah. In each and every one of these situations, There's something that I'm protecting myself from that I'm unwilling to fully admit and face, That I'm protecting myself from it because it's going to open something up. So I want to do an exercise for those of you who are courageous enough to type. And then we're going to do a meditation for those who are scared to do so. For the next five minutes, I want everyone to try to put in the chat what it is that they're protecting themselves from. And as much detail or as little detail as you want about why it's not okay. It's a sharing circle. I've never tried this before. And in a chat, It's hard. But all of us are going to say, I get that. If you have felt it too, Start adding in for yourself as well. For instance, I protect myself from the feeling of other people's fear and disappointment and uncertainty when I would be depressed and not know what to do. Because I don't want to be a burden on other people because the idea is if I am a burden, Then other people will become uncomfortable and collapse and I will feel even greater shame. Jaz, Let's go a bit deeper here. Your truth. There is no specific truth. You choose your truth. Your true self. There is no true self. So what is it that we're really protecting ourselves from? There's always something that we won't admit to ourselves. And we'll see how this experiment goes. Because the goal is to say and have it be accepted. Have it be okay. Because what most people are doing is trying to force themselves to stop self-sabotaging. But that's the symptom, Not the cause. The cause is I am burning myself out over and over and over again, Sabotaging because I'm protecting myself from rest. Because if I rest, I'm going to be judged, Criticized, And rejected from. As Johnny just put in, I'm taking risks and making mistakes and the consequences of those mistakes. Yep, I'm protecting myself from making a mistake. But somehow it's not okay to protect myself from making a mistake. Why is it not okay? Why is it not okay to say I don't really want to make a mistake? Hell, As Katarina just said to me last weekend, She's trying to work through being comfortable making mistakes. And she's like, And we were out and we made the mistake of thinking it was safe to have our dog off a leash. And he died. Mistakes are scary. Mistakes are really scary. Is there a reason why it's not okay to be scared of making a mistake? Paula, To be seen and heard because I'm protecting myself from attacks of others I have not sourced my self-worth from within myself but seeking from outside myself. There's still a little bit of trying to create an explanation there out of the shame. So I'm going to leave it as I'm protecting myself from attacks of others. Yeah, Being attacked hurts. Being rejected hurts. Being abandoned hurts. Being criticized hurts. Being judged hurts. Being kicked out of the tribe hurts. Being a lower member of the tribe hurts. Being given dirty looks. Being told like it's easy for you to say anything. All of these things hurt. There's a reason we protect ourselves from being attacked. And that's okay. When we feel through that we can still choose to be seen and heard but when we don't accept that it's okay it's okay to be scared of being attacked. That's part of it. Diane, Thank you. I've detached from my husband to protect myself from his emotional abuse. Yeah, And are you considering it sabotage or protection? Because if there's a part of you that's saying I need to go back it's because somehow, Some way it's not okay to say I'm protecting myself from emotional abuse. I mean how crazy is that? If someone is abusing us especially if we're staying around and letting it occur which is the real abuse why is that not okay to say I'm detaching myself? Why is that not okay? Paula has children it's too hard to protect ourselves Angie is saying and our siblings from our angry violent adult or parent I had to one day because I was attacked with a knife for 12 years I took it all but that one day I had to save my life and fight. Yeah, Thank you Angie. Tess, I've taken the risk made big mistakes I had shame for asking people for help I fear of rejection being judged being a burden not having equal friendships not seen and not heard yeah and that's the trick I know a lot of people so I'm going to use Tess as a good example here who say I'm holding myself back because if I just asked for help then I'd be rocketing off but asking for help is scary asking for help could have somebody try to put you in a power dynamic asking for help could lead to judgment asking for help could lead to someone who has poor boundaries being resentful and seeing you as a burden asking for help could have unequal friendships asking for help could lead to all of these things and those are scary and that's okay and I hope what everyone is getting to is if you want to stop sabotaging anything we have to start accepting what it's protecting ourselves from and that that's okay we then start to say I want to become more comfortable with being judged because I don't want it to hold me back but we first have to admit that we're so scared of being judged that we'd rather sabotage than admit that I'm protecting myself from judgment and that's totally okay because being judged hurts Jeanette, I am protecting myself from defending myself and rights because that is not the spiritual way yeah but what does that mean? Because often we put this story on top to try to defend it we go in one of two directions either we refuse to admit it or we spin a story we spin a story on top to make it okay again but that's still not facing it because that is not the spiritual way what does that mean? Does that mean I'll walk into a room of people and I'm going to be the one that creates conflict and I know that the other people are going to band together I don't think she's on today but we had someone struggling with that one or two days ago that I know that everyone else in that room is so scared of conflict that if I'm the one who brings it they'd rather push me away than accept conflict into their lives what is it? What is it that I'm really protecting myself from? And Patricia, Is it a protection of having too much so I don't overgive to be accepted? That's one but then you know what? Let's reverse that I believe that I have to give everything I have away not really I'm putting it as this I have to give everything of myself but I don't want to I don't want to I want to be selfish I want to take some time for myself I want to say no I want to say screw that I want to say figure out your own stuff today but that's not okay that's not okay so instead of doing that I just don't allow myself to have too much have too much energy have too much money have too much things because then I don't have to give too much because I'm unwilling to protect myself from the sensation that says this is too much and how other people are going to react when I say no does that make sense, Tisha? So with that in mind for the rest of us I want to lead us through a meditation for the next 10 minutes or so in it I want to ask everybody to within their limits because the reason I kept the talk so long and pointed out because I wanted everybody to see the patterns the pattern of I just can't ever clean the house rather than saying I'm not cleaning the house because I'm protecting myself from the decisions I have to make when it's over and then the other side and thank you, Jeanette and I'm not trying to pick on you because this was perfect the other side that I see people do is then say why should I clean the house? That's just and I'm not saying this isn't true but that's just the awful patriarchy and people this and we're in these positions and these things tied together so oh man no I'm never going to clean the house or if I don't clean the house then I'm a bad this trying to create an identity in the opposite direction rather than truly feeling what it is that you're too ashamed to say I'm protecting myself from so in your silence in your courage be honest with yourself what is the thing that I'm protecting myself from? If you want to go ahead and find a comfortable position go ahead and close my eyes take a deep deep breath let it out with a sigh and settle in somewhere in your body right now is a feeling that you want to avoid at all costs you might have noticed it already throughout the class where is it? Where is this feeling? In your chest in your stomach in your throat somewhere there is a sensation and a feeling that we're going to have the courage to face today when you've found it see if you can find its boundaries its place as in where are the limits of the feeling? Where does it start? Where is it strongest? And where does it end? And what does it feel like? Is it sharp? Is it cool? Is it hot? Does this send your heart racing or does it send your body into a slump? Whatever it is simply stay with the sensation and breathe don't try to make it go away you've been trying to make it go away or cover it for a long time because hidden in this sensation is the truth that we want to accept today the part of you that wasn't okay and is so not okay you can't even admit to yourself it's not okay to not be okay so keep breathing into this sensation until it becomes truly clear to yourself what it is don't let your mind superimpose the story on top stay until it arises and it's okay if it's just sensation for a while because you might not even have words for this sensation because if your mind is racing to give you answers those aren't the answers those are the protections to keep you from keeping on looking you'll know what it is when it starts to hurt because somewhere deep down inside of you something locked away that might have happened decades ago but feels like it was just yesterday the closer you get where you took a piece of yourself and locked it away because that's what shame is shame is this piece of myself cannot be seen cannot be allowed cannot be admitted now what it is that we're ashamed of varies due to my careful upbringing it's taken me a long time to release the shame from not knowing being uncertain not having the answer collapsing or being depressed but it's just as likely that you have shame for knowing for being confident for being sure for speaking up it's just as likely to be ashamed of wanting more as to be ashamed as being okay with less shame is a function of the thing that we weren't allowed and weren't even allowed to want or have or be okay you could be a man who grew up in a family where it wasn't okay to not stand your ground you could be a woman who grew up in a family where it wasn't okay to ever stand or vice versa but it starts it all starts it all unravels with finding this piece of ourselves that it isn't okay to be and it isn't even okay to admit it and when you found it put both hands on your heart and simply sit with this piece of yourself whether it's the piece of you that wants to not always stand your ground and have someone else stand in for you for once or the piece of you who wants to stand there's probably someone in here who's ashamed of being the thing that you want and sit with it and say it's okay I know others shamed you and pushed you away and that caused a lot of consequences for us when we said you weren't okay this part of my beautiful self but to the best of your ability see if you can accept and love this part of yourself if it helps see it as if a friend was telling you in simple words it can be as simple as I'm afraid of coming across as weak because I think I'll be rejected and shamed or I'm afraid of being strong because I'm afraid I'll be judged and torn down and that's okay because the world can be scary people can be scary and sometimes we just want a ground but if we don't accept this piece of ourselves it's right as Carl Jung said until we make the unconscious conscious it will direct our lives and we will call it fate so just take a moment and to the best of your ability be aware you don't need to change it you don't need to fix it there's nothing you need to do except be aware and accept that this part of you exists because I'm not here to help you clean the house I'm here to remind you that if you're not cleaning the house because once you clean the house you have some big scary decisions to make and that you're scared of even admitting that you don't know what to do or that the decisions are too big and that's the part that you couldn't accept I hear you I hear you and it's okay to be scared it's okay to be unsure and I guarantee you the more that you accept that the decisions are scary even more that you accept that speaking up has consequences or being weak has consequences and it's okay to not want them counter-intuitively the easier it becomes and the less you need to protect yourself in outrageous ways because can you see how admitting and accepting that whatever your version is of I don't want to clean my beautiful cabin and because I'm afraid of what I'm going to need to see the more that we accept that and the more that we allow ourselves for that to be okay the less destructive behavior we'll have to protect ourselves from it and we might clean the cabin or we might not but we'll no longer be tearing ourselves in circles and tearing ourselves apart because not every problem has to be solved not every mountain has to be vanquished and the first step is admitting to ourselves that it's a scary mountain and we're not sure how to handle it and that's okay and then when you've said your last words go ahead and start to wiggle your fingers and your toes give yourself permission to yawn or to stretch and when you feel ready go ahead and open your eyes thank you for joining today especially because I'm gonna laugh along with Jeanette that positivity sells because people want to be positive people want to be happy that's why a lot of new age spirituality tries to focus entirely on it and they even relabeled in a fun way doing the real work calling it shadow work which can be used really positively so I'm not trying to go down on it but this is where the real work that changes everything comes from by giving ourselves permission to look at the scary things the uncomfortable things by admitting to ourselves that we're even avoiding it and it's okay you don't have to slay every dragon climb every mountain conquer every enemy there's not time for that and no one will be perfect but admitting to ourselves that it is a dragon that's okay without needing to come up with fantastical stories or crazy excuses makes life a lot easier because then we figure out it's it's not really a dragon. The dragon is in our own mind, As Joseph Campo would say. But the biggest part of letting it go, Is admitting that it's currently a dragon and that's okay. It's okay. So, If we have a couple of new people. You're welcome to follow. And if you enjoyed this you're welcome to donate. I have two more minutes before I really need water and my voice gets out. But Paula just said I came face to face with my little child and held her. Love it. Glad to hear it. Thank you everyone. All right. Thank you all. Love you all. Talk to you soon.