The Messy Middle Is Holy

Hello my love,

This isn't a polished teaching,

It's really a transmission from my messy middle to yours.

Right now I'm learning what it means to trust in what I cannot see and it feels foreign to me,

It feels really uncomfortable,

It feels like one of the hardest lessons of my life.

My mind knows the logic,

It tells me everything's okay,

This is normal,

You've done nothing wrong.

But my heart,

My nervous system,

They ache,

They yearn and they panic and I notice myself spinning stories,

That I've broken it,

That everything ends in loss,

That I should have done more,

Been more,

Fixed more and then I catch myself and I realise that this is growth,

Not the absence of the wobble but the awareness of it,

Not never spiralling but noticing the spiral and choosing not to live there.

I've spent years suppressing my emotions,

Years numbing out,

Busying myself,

Wearing masks of composure and now I'm here and I'm cracked open,

Letting the grief shake through me,

Letting others see me weep,

Letting myself feel everything I once tried to control away and that,

That is healing.

The world tells us emotional regulation means silence,

Means showing nothing on the outside but I don't believe that,

For me regulation is letting the storm move through me without drowning in it,

It's shaking,

Crying,

Raging,

Breathing and then little by little returning to myself,

This is surrender,

This is letting go of the grip I've held all my life,

Trusting that I don't have to own love to receive it,

Trusting that I don't have to control timing to be safe,

That the wild in animals,

In children,

In dreams,

In my body will find its rhythm whether I chase it or not and yeah,

It hurts and yes,

Sometimes it feels like my heart will never heal and yes,

Sometimes I still make myself wrong but even that is part of the process because every time I notice,

Every time I soften,

Every time I choose not to grip,

I am growing,

So if you're here with me in your own messy middle,

Let this be your reminder we are not wrong for feeling,

We are not behind for aching and we are not broken for breaking open this is what growth looks like,

Feeling,

Noticing,

Choosing again so place your hand on your heart with me and another on your belly breathe in I love without owning and breathe out I trust the timing of what returns breathe in I am not wrong for feeling and breathe out this too is healing breathe in I am growing even here,

Breathe out especially here let that settle,

Let it remind us that the messy middle is not failure but it's holy ground this is where the art is made,

This is where service to yourself and others begins this is where we remember that sometimes the only thing we can do is surrender and sometimes that is everything