You Don't Need To Know Why It Happened

22:22

You Don't Need To Know Why It Happened

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talks

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Meditation

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Everyone

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There is a question that keeps people stuck for years, asked with total sincerity: why did this happen? Why did they do that. Why me. What is the root cause, and when I find it, will this finally stop. Underneath it is an assumption nobody examines because it seems too obviously true to be an assumption — that understanding is the doorway, and that if you could just find the reason, the thing would release. This talk takes that apart, gently, because it is costing people years. The claim: YOU CAN HEAL FROM SOMETHING YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. You can heal from something you cannot fully remember. And frequently the search for the explanation is not the route to healing — it is the thing standing in front of it. Covers why insight and change are two different things, implicit versus explicit memory, the honest answer to whether you need to remember, why closure is largely a myth (Pauline Boss), and what actually changes things when the explanation does not.

Healing Self Acceptance Emotional Presence Body Awareness Nervous System Presence Non Resistance Trust Somatic Healing Nervous System Regulation Presence Practice

Meet your Teacher

Dublin, Ireland

Meet your Teacher

Dublin, Ireland

Transcript

So welcome everyone. Thank you. Thank you for listening. So let's explore today the question everyone asks at some point. And let me start with what I hear all the time. When someone comes to see me, Someone that I'm working with, At some point, I always hear I just want to understand why I feel this way. If I could just figure out where this comes from, I think I could fix it. Or I've been trying to work out what happened to me that made me like this. And I get it. I really do. It makes sense. We are meaning-making creatures. We want to understand. We want the story. We want the origin, The explanation, And the moment where it all went wrong. Because somehow we believe. That if we can just find the reason, The healing will follow. Like understanding is the key that unlocks everything. Now this is what I have noticed, Realized, Experienced. Sometimes the reason does not matter as much as we think. Sometimes you can heal without ever knowing the story. And sometimes the endless search for why is actually keeping you stuck. Now let me talk about how most of us have been taught to think about healing. And it goes something like this. Something happened to you. That something created a wound. The wound is buried somewhere in your psyche. Your job is to dig it up, Examine it, Understand it. And then once you really get it, The wound heals. And it's a great model. You're going back into your past, Looking for that artifact that explains your present. And once you find it, Everything makes sense and you can move on. And there's something very appealing about this. It's logical. It gives you a project. It makes healing feel like detective work. And who does not love solving a mystery? Especially when the mystery is yourself. Plus, Honestly, Talking about your past can be kind of interesting. I have been doing this It is nice to have someone listen while you piece together your story. It feels productive and it feels like therapy. Now here is what I've noticed. You can do this for years. You find the artifact, You understand exactly what happened, With whom, Why, When, And you can also explain your patterns perfectly. And you have insight coming out of both your ears, But you still feel the same. The anxiety is still there. The body still braces the same way. The relationship patterns keep repeating. You understand everything but nothing has changed. Because here is the uncomfortable truth. Insight is not the same as healing. Understanding why you do something does not automatically make you stop doing it. Your nervous system did not get that memo. So if insight is not enough, What is? Now this is where the somatic piece comes in. And I promise I'll keep this practical. Your body is holding things, Literally, Experiences, Emotions, Responses that got encoded before you had words for them. Or that were too overwhelming to process at the time, Or that simply got stuck because there was no space for them. Your body holds them even if your mind does not remember them. Now this is not a metaphor, That is actually how the nervous system works. The body keeps the score as everyone says, Though honestly, That phrase has been so overused that it has almost lost its meaning now. Here is what matters. The body does not need the story to release what it is holding. And let me say this again, Your body does not need to know why. It just needs presence, Attention and permission. Now in practice it looks something like this. There is a feeling, Anxiety, Heaviness, Tightness, Some uncomfortable sensation that keeps showing up. And instead of asking where does this come from, Instead of going into the story, The analysis, Users turn towards it. You find it in your body, You acknowledge it, And you say essentially, I do not know why you're here. But I know there must be a reason and I'm willing to be with you. And that is it. That is the practice. And I know it sounds too simple. Where is the 10 step program? Where is the breakthrough? Where is that dramatic moment of realization? Now healing is often less dramatic than we expect. And more effective. Now let me tell you something. Something that resonates with me. Someone is feeling something difficult. Anxiety maybe. Or a heaviness they cannot explain. Or a part of them that keeps sabotaging their relationships. Whatever it is. And often they want to figure it out, They want to go back, Find the memory, Understand the origin. And sometimes that's very useful. I'm not saying never explore the past. But often, I say something like this. There must be a reason you feel like this. And you do not need to know the reason. There must be a reason that you feel like this. And you do not need to know the reason. Let's just find the part that feels that. Can you locate it somewhere in your body? Your chest, Your belly, Maybe your throat. Now can you just say to that part silently or out loud? I do not know why you're here. But I know there must be a reason. And I am here with you. Then you hold it. You do not try to fix it. You do not try to change it, Release it or heal it. You just accompany it. You peacefully coexist with it. Now, If your mind is telling you, Only if I do this, That thing will go away, That's not necessarily true. Now here is what often happens, Not always, But often. When a part of us is finally seen, Finally acknowledged, And finally met with presence instead of resistance, It softens, Not because we figure it out. But because we stopped fighting it. Sometimes memories come in this process, Sometimes they don't. Sometimes there is a release, Sometimes there is just quiet, A sense that something has been met. It is not as dramatic as the breakthrough moments you see in films, Maybe, Social media. No one ugly cries while remembering a repressed memory, But something shifts. Something in the system says, Finally, Someone is listening. Now let me say something that is a bit more. . . Provocative if that's the right word. Sometimes the search for story is not helping you heal. Sometimes it is actually keeping you stuck. And here is how this happens. You feel something and immediately your mind wants to explain it Why do I feel this way? What happened? Whose fault is it? And off you go. Analysis. The narrative, The past, And the future. And you build a story around that feeling. You explain it, You contextualize it, And you become an expert in your own boons. But here is the thing, While you're up in your head constructing this narrative, You're not actually with the feeling because you've left your body already. You've left the present moment. You're in the story about the pain and not with the pain itself. Now it is a very sophisticated avoidance strategy actually Looks like healing, All that self-reflection, All that insight, All that journaling but it is actually a way of not having to feel the thing directly. Now I have done this. I've spent years understanding my patterns. I'm still on that path. Very intellectually satisfying. But I did not actually change much until I learned to drop into the body. And there is another trap here. The story can also become your identity. I am this way because of what happened. My parents did this, So do I do that. So I do that. I am anxiously attached because of my childhood, Which is fine and it might be true. But when the story becomes who you are, It can become a cage as well. You explain your present through your past. So thoroughly that change feels impossible. The story is set. The character is written. What if you did not need the story? What if you could meet what is here now without needing to know where it came from? And that is a kind of freedom. Now here is a paradox that took me a long time to understand. The more you try to fix, Change, Heal or get rid of a feeling, The more it tends to persist. The more you simply be with it, Acknowledge it, Hold it, Allow it to exist without needing it to be different, The more likely it is to shift. There's the idea. And it's not mine. Carl Jung said it. That what you resist persists. And I see this constantly. People at war with their anxiety. Trying to make the depression go away. Fighting the part of them that keeps showing up. It is exhausting. It does not work. Because you are adding resistance to suffering, Which just creates more suffering. Now the alternative is not giving up. It is not not doing anything about it and it is not letting the feeling run your life. The magic word here, Coexistence. Learning to be with what is here without needing it to leave. And I'll say this again, Learning to be with what is here without needing it to leave. I can feel anxious and still go about my day. I can have a heavy heart and still show up for my life. I can have parts that are scared, Angry, Sad and we can share this body together without being at war. It almost sounds too simple. Like that is not even a real technique. There is just being with yourself. And for many of us, That is perhaps the only thing we never learn to do. Here is what I see over time with this approach. What I'm asking you to explore are not steps to follow, So what you're feeling goes away. The feeling does not always disappear. But it changes. It softens. It becomes less urgent, Less consuming. It is still there, Maybe. But you are no longer at war with it. You are coexisting. And in that coexistence there is peace. Which honestly might be more realistic than the fantasy of total healing when nothing ever hurts again. And you just see white light 24x7. Now I want to be clear about something. I am not saying the past does not matter. I'm not saying never explore your history. And I'm not saying therapy is pointless. Of course the boss matters. Of course what happened to you shaped you. And of course understanding your history can be extremely valuable. My point is, Sometimes the story does emerge. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes knowing what happened is part of healing. And sometimes the memory surfaces on its own, Once the body feels safe enough. You do not need to know the story before you can heal. You do not need to talk about everything that happened to you before you can start the journey of self-awareness. Understanding is not a prerequisite. Self-awareness is. You can start where you are with what you feel right now without needing to trace it back. And sometimes the most powerful thing to say is, I do not know where this comes from. I do not know why I feel this way. And I'm going to be with it anyway. I do not know where this comes from. I do not know why I feel this way. And I'm going to be with it anyway. Because if there is something you need to know, It will come. The body reveals things when it's ready. When there's enough safety, Enough presence, Enough space, Memories might surface, Connections are made, And understanding arrives. But it happens on your body's timeline, Not your mind's. You cannot force it, And you do not need to. I have seen people who spent years trying to remember something. What happened? What went wrong? And getting nowhere. And then in a moment of genuine presence, With no agenda at all, The thing just appears. Because they stopped digging for it, They just became available. So the body knows. Trust it. So what am I really offering here? What is this different approach? Is this even an approach? Stop trying so hard to figure yourself out. Stop needing to understand anything before you can accept. Instead, Meet yourself where you are. Feel what is here, Find the part of you that is suffering and say, I do not know why, But I know there must be a reason and I am here. And that is the whole practice. It requires trust. Trust that the body knows what it is doing, Even when you do not understand. It requires presence. Actually being with the feeling, Not thinking about it from a safe distance. And that takes time. That may take another person to hold space for you, To help you create safety. But the essence of the work doesn't change. It requires a shift from fixing to accompanying. You are not solving a problem. You are not listening to this so your pain goes away. You are listening to this so your relationship with your pain changes. You're keeping something company. Now this is less glamorous than a breakthrough and your whole body is shaking and sweating. But it works, Slowly, Gently, One breath at a time, In a way that does not depend upon having the perfect insight. Real healing, I have come to believe, Is not about solving yourself. It is about learning to be with yourself. All of yourself. Even the parts that you do not understand. That is the work and it does not require knowing why. If any of this has landed for you today, Let me leave you with something practical now. The next time something difficult shows up. Anxiety, Sadness, Tightness, Whatever it is for you, An old pattern. Try this. Do not immediately ask why. Do not go into the story, The tools, The analysis, The archaeology. Find it in your body. Where is it? What does it feel like? And then say to it with words, With hand gestures. Out loud or silently. There must be a reason you're here. I do not need to know the reason. I am just here with you. And stay there. That is all. Just stay with it. No fixing. No figuring out. Just presence. This is not a magic trick. This will not fix everything. But it is a different relationship with yourself. One based on trust, Not analysis. On presence and not performance. And on being with, Rather than figuring out. You might be surprised what shifts when you stop fighting. You might be surprised how much healing is possible without ever knowing why. You do not need to solve yourself. You do not need to understand every piece. And you do not need to dig up your past to deserve peace in the present moment. You just need to be here with yourself. With whatever is arising. With the willingness to stay. That is enough. That has always been enough. So go gently. Thank you very much for listening and until next time. Namaste.