Hi,
I'm Dr.
Diana Hill.
I'm a clinical psychologist and I have a little bit of a different take on perfectionism than most therapists.
I actually think that perfectionism isn't all bad.
I want you to become a flexible perfectionist.
And here's what I mean.
I mean,
If you go to a hygienist,
A dental hygienist,
Don't you want them to be a little bit perfectionistic around your teeth?
Or if you have a painter come paint your home,
Don't you want them to apply that perfectionism to your windowsill?
Where perfectionism goes wrong for people is when they aren't skillful in how they apply it,
They're not flexible in how they apply it,
And they start doing things like if that painter takes the perfectionism and applies that to their partner or to their own bodies or to other areas of their life that don't need that level of perfectionism.
So the first skill that you need to have when it comes to becoming a more flexible perfectionist is be able to get present in the here and now.
And ask yourself,
What is the point of diminishing returns?
Where is the point when your perfectionism turns into inflexibility?
And is there a time and place that you could really enjoy this perfectionism because it lines you up with your values?
Whenever I'm working on a research paper,
My perfectionism shows up.
And there is a place and time for that where I really like it because it helps me look at the fine details of things.
And then there is a point of diminishing returns where I need to start to let it go.
And pay attention to that.
Where is your perfectionism functional?
That's what we would say in ACT.
And when does it become kind of dysfunctional,
Where you feel it pulling you away from how you want to show up in the world?
That first skill of becoming a flexible perfectionist is noticing the point of diminishing returns.
Another skill that comes directly from ACT in terms of perfectionism is beginning to do what we call cognitive de-fusion,
Stepping back from your mind.
You could probably name two or three statements that go through your mind over and over again when you're being a perfectionist.
If you actually paid attention to what your head was saying,
Or maybe even sometimes for people,
Images that show up in their mind,
You would notice that your mind tends to fixate on a few things.
For some perfectionists,
It fixates on their body.
For some perfectionists,
It fixates on their work or things that are wrong,
Looking for the negative.
Could you just notice that that is.
.
.
The tune of your mind,
Sort of like a radio station in the background,
And you get to choose whether or not you pay attention to it or not.
Sometimes we need to ignore our minds.
Sometimes you need to say,
Thank you,
Mind,
And just step back from a little bit and re-engage with what matters in this moment.
So the first skill,
Notice the point of diminishing returns.
The second skill is be able to act independently from your mind.
Notice your mind,
But step back from it.
Diffuse from your mind.
And then the third practice for becoming a more flexible perfectionist,
This one you may not like,
But it's actually really effective,
Is to do the thing that you are perfectionistic around.
Wrong or slightly wrong on purpose.
Do it 80% of the way and then send it in.
Do a little bit messy and leave it a little bit messy.
Sometimes I'll have clients arrive to my office seven minutes late because they're always here perfectly on time.
And that is just showing you that you can be imperfect and you will survive.
It's a little bit of exposure therapy for the perfectionist.
Do it over and over and over and over again to prove to yourself that It's a little wabi-sabi.
You can be imperfect and the world goes on.
Your day goes on.
And actually what matters most is not your perfection.
It's you authentically being you showing up in ways that you want to show up.
And if your perfection is getting in the way of that,
I want you to get a little more flexible with it.
So notice the point of diminishing returns.
Step back from your thoughts.
And say,
That's just my perfectionism mind doing its thing.
I can act independently.
And then prove your perfectionism wrong.
Be imperfect on purpose over and over again.
