Welcome to Episode 15 of Bite-Sized Blessings.
I don't normally speak at the beginning of my episodes,
But this time I have a special guest.
Christopher Watkins Lamb is the lead singer and songwriter for Crispy Watkins and the Crackwillows,
A band based out of Fort Collins,
Colorado.
He has very generously allowed us to use one of the songs from their latest album at the end of this episode,
So make sure not to miss it.
You can find links to the album on my website,
Bite-sized-blessings.
Com.
I'd also like to announce a trigger warning for this episode.
Suicide and the idea of suicide are discussed.
If you or anyone you know is suffering with thoughts of suicide,
Help is available.
Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
And now,
Episode 15 of Bite-Sized Blessings.
In the spring of 2019,
I was having a really rough time.
I was at the time working in Boulder and living in Fort Collins,
And I was feeling very overwhelmed,
Busy,
Stressed.
You know,
Being a dad,
Working at an internship,
I started to just have thoughts and feelings that were worrying me.
I was starting to think things like,
Gosh,
It would be easier just to die.
I am Reverend Christopher Watkins Lamb.
Vocationally,
I would describe myself probably in three words,
Song leader,
Ritualist,
And eco-chapelan.
I'm also a father,
Got a three-year-old and another on the way,
And husband,
And currently serving as music lead at Foothills Unitarian Church in Fort Collins,
Colorado.
So I'm creating a lot of music on a weekly basis and serving a community,
A religious community in that capacity.
And I'm doing clinical pastoral education in university settings as well.
And I'm a big camp and conference person.
I've spent a lot of time working with youth over the years.
I feel like the person I was in middle school in particular is just so polar opposite of who I am.
I went through a phase when I really didn't care at all about music.
And I was really into video games as my main thing for quite a while.
Like subscriber to Game Enforcer magazine,
All of that.
But if I go back earlier,
I was absolutely all about being outside.
And I definitely love music in elementary school.
I went to this little private Quaker school,
And we would have song circles every day.
And it was one of my favorite parts of the day.
We would literally all sit in a circle together and our teacher would play guitar and sing.
We had these song books.
So and then he would write us musicals.
He would literally craft musicals based on our personalities for each of the characters.
Like he was quite talented.
So I got into music and acting pretty young and sort of swerved away for a little while,
Which perhaps is just part of the developmental process.
In the spring of 2019,
I was having a really rough time.
I was at the time working in Boulder and living in Fort Collins.
And I was feeling very overwhelmed,
Busy,
Stressed.
Being a dad,
Working at an internship,
I started to just have thoughts and feelings that were worrying me.
Starting to think things like,
Gosh,
It would be easier just to die.
Starting to think like that.
I'm just too tired.
I don't want to do any of this anymore.
Wouldn't it be nice if it just all ended?
And those were scary thoughts for me to have.
And I feel like I've been noticing them for a couple of weeks when I decided,
OK,
I have to do something about this.
This is not something I can ignore.
And I need to address it now before it gets worse.
I've been trained in mental health first aid.
And I knew that I didn't have a plan or anything that was of high concern.
But it was enough of a warning sign for me.
OK,
I'm really not OK right now and I need to do something for myself to help.
I did.
I felt I felt afraid to share that with anyone.
I felt afraid to talk about it.
But then this idea came to me.
Oh,
This is what I need to do.
I need to go and see a shaman.
It's just probably not what most people would decide to do in this situation.
But it made perfect sense for me.
So I booked I booked this appointment and and this and decided,
OK,
I'm going to see a shaman.
It was like a couple of weeks out.
I'm like,
OK,
I'm going to I'm going to get ready for this.
Things started to change for me in 2012.
I started this AmeriCorps program in 2012 and a couple of things came together.
You know,
One was this this practice of being outside all the time,
Often by myself,
Because I was working on vacant lot restoration and edible landscaping and community gardens.
And a lot of the other AmeriCorps folks in my area worked in a team.
But the nature of my position was actually a solo position.
So I encountered my supervisors in the office,
But I spent a lot of days just out on the land and working by myself and really more time alone outside regularly than I ever had.
And the other things I started reading Eckhart Tolle,
Familiar with him,
The Power of Now.
And and I was reading his book,
A New Earth.
I really don't remember that much about the content of the book,
But.
It completely changed the way I experienced my own body.
I started to develop this bodily awareness that was just really different than how I'd experienced my body before.
And then I started to notice the way that I seem to be influenced by the world around me.
Like I would hear birdsong and just feel these like energetic chills just moving up my spine or feeling like they affected me energetically in ways that it's hard to put into words.
And I started to feel the same thing with like when the wind blew on me,
I could feel it.
And these really these ways that are really sensuous.
Right.
It's really this bodily experience of being impacted by by the world around us.
I was also finding that I'm a songwriter,
So I was finding that as I was working with the land,
I felt like these songs were coming at me,
Like coming up from the soil.
And like they were really,
You know,
Like the origins of the songs were outside of me and somehow like made me interacting with them,
Was bringing them forth.
So that was really the first time I was developing this sense of the world around me as being this really intelligent and alive entity that is interacting with my body and my spirit,
My inspiration in every moment.
And so I found her in this little like outbuilding outside of an office,
Like an office in Boulder,
Like downtown Boulder.
And,
You know,
We chatted for a little bit and then I laid down on this table.
She invited me to lay down and she brushed me with dried herbs and then she started drumming and chanting and singing and really felt myself transport.
I was laying there and then I saw myself laying on this stone table in the middle of a clearing.
And the table was on some kind of a platform and there was a circle of stones around it and I was surrounded by people.
I couldn't really see them clearly,
But they all had the sense of being like allies,
Being people who are kind,
Who wish me well.
And then I became aware of this pain growing in my head and all of a sudden there was this woman like standing above me with blue skin.
It's just like this brilliant blue skin and her fingers were pressing into my forehead,
Just like pressing forcefully into my forehead at the point where I was feeling this pain.
And then suddenly it felt as though this suit of armor just popped off me and just like shot off me in every direction.
It was totally shocking.
It's just like poof!
And energy was pulsing through my body.
And then the woman kept pushing and I felt as though I was sliding through the table,
Under the table and suddenly underwater.
And it's just like this flowing river and I felt totally relaxed.
It was the most amazing thing.
And after it was done,
She got me up,
She had me sip some herbal water and she told me about her experience.
And she had experienced this group of grandfathers from the British Isles who were there to support me.
And she said they were waiting to initiate me into their ancestral lineage.
And so she gave me some particular instructions that they had had and I swear I left that room just like totally changed.
Just totally changed.
I've come to believe that those feelings,
Those sensations I had of wanting to die were first a protest about how I was living life at the time,
But also a call from the ancestors to deepen in relationship with them.
Since then,
I've been working to align my work in this world with what they would have me do.
Because for me,
I experienced them as actively singing me into existence in every moment.
The fact that I exist right now means my ancestors are putting the work in to let me be embodied in this moment.
So that's amazing.
It also comes with this big responsibility.
Like,
Wow,
I've got all these beings who are working.
I've been working hard to keep me here and I'm not going to be here forever.
It's for a time.
And I've got some things to do before my time's up.
Let's see,
It was about this time last year when I launched my band's first album campaign.
So we had this big fundraising campaign to record our first studio album.
My band is Crispy Watkins and the Cracked Willows,
The songwriter and lead singer for that.
It's a folk band,
Americana,
We call it Old Time Roots Rock.
I had a sense as I was starting that process that my ancestors were calling me to do this work.
And that sense grew and grew as we were preparing to record the album.
And to the point that when I walked into the studio for the first time for a planning session,
I had this entire vision mapped out of basically a journey,
An ancestral healing journey in musical form that starts in present day,
Kind of starting where you are.
And then between the first and second song,
You're basically snapped back in time thousands of years.
And you're invited to take this journey as you listen to the album in its entirety through your own ancestral lineage,
As a witnessing and healing,
Identifying the burdens and blessings of your lineage.
And so I really had that strong sense and I felt my ancestors with me as I was recording.
And I ended up calling the album Tin This Flame,
Which was after the title track,
Which starts with the words,
I was born to tin this flame,
Ancestors dance and sang,
What seeds now must I sow?
Really about like that ancestral flame,
That ancestral fire.
And what am I here?
What am I here to serve?
What am I here to grow during my time?
And I've been feeling called more and more that it's my work to hold true to that discernment and also to help others to do that.
I remember I was really struck by something the first time I read Maly Domassome,
Who's a teacher from West Africa,
And he was talking about how in his traditional and in his village,
Folks who did not go through initiation were perpetually stuck in adolescence,
Perpetually stuck in adolescence and prone to violence and addiction and other behaviors that tend to erode healthy society.
And I just think about how projecting that out to a whole culture of folks who haven't been through initiation and what we might be prone to at that point,
Through no fault of our own in that sense.
But being born into a world that is not ready to hold us the way that we ought to be held.
And that's where I really come back to the idea of re-villaging that I started with.
Just this real sense of like moving from this isolated individualism to being part of a village culture.
I really believe that almost all of us long at some level to step out of your hut in the morning and be greeted by faces that know you and love you.
And to know that you're a part of a community and that what you're doing on an everyday basis is contributing to that community and to the world around you.
And you're like,
You're part of this larger thing.
And re-villaging,
For me,
It's a spiritual thing too.
It's about recognizing the way that the whole world is interacting with us.
And we are always part of this village,
This external village of winged people,
Four-legged people and finned people and stone people.
But also this internal village,
Like all these internal personalities and resources that we can access.
Whether it's our own ancestors or guides or just parts of ourselves that we can have conversation with.
That's been an absolute revelation to me to realize.
And I find it so healing,
Such a healing and a modality to bring to others.
I was facilitating a grief group last year and during one of the sessions we had this re-villaging moment.
Took everyone into our social hall where we had a labyrinth set up.
And I just invited each person to,
As they walk the labyrinth,
Envision that there is this internal village positioned around the labyrinth.
As you pass folks,
They're giving you hugs,
Affirmation,
Whatever sort of encouragement that you need.
And as though you're walking,
Moving towards the center of this village square where everyone's circled around,
Just there for you.
There to support you and love you.
And I think we have access to those resources all the time.
This village of beings who are there to love and support us.
And we need that.
We need that right now.
We really,
Really do.
And I want everyone to know that they have access to that,
You know.
Yeah.
And I think also,
You know,
Just kind of going back to where we started,
Those resources are in your dreams as well.
As you asked yourself,
What should I talk about?
I want to dream about it.
You can find community relationship answers in your dreams.
And I think that's first of all,
It's exciting because you get to sleep.
And I love sleeping.
And so,
You know,
That that kind of liminal space between being awake and being fully asleep is such a divinely sensuous place.
And then you fall asleep and you never know what's going to happen in your dreams,
Whether you're going to go on an adventure,
Whether you're going to be told something,
Whether an ancestor is going to come and speak with you.
So I really I'm a fan of the dream world,
Let's say.
Oh,
Me too.
Yeah.
And it's a great example of this just whole village of experience that's outside of our everyday consciousness.
It's outside of what our ego kind of identifies as being us.
For me,
My songs,
They don't come when I'm trying to write songs.
Right.
They generally become in those moments where I'm relaxed enough to receive.
And sometimes I'll just be playing,
You know,
Playing music and maybe I'll be trying to write something,
But it won't quite be working.
It never really does.
And then at some point,
My mind just sort of leaves and I am in that flow state and I find myself suddenly creating something that totally surprised me.
And it's just that that open channel.
None of this creativity comes from our mind,
Comes from our ego.
It's all from somewhere beyond.
So we have to be we have to be open that open to that in order to receive that innate creativity.
I think we all have is it's just such a gift.
It's such a gift to be able to freely create in that way.
And I think also,
You know,
Your music videos and your music is really joyful,
Too.
And that emerges out of you.
I think great healers are always great carriers of joy.
And yeah,
Joy is to me,
It's so pure.
It's almost like direct connection to source because you're channeling you're channeling that joy and it affects everyone around you.
You know,
It lightens moods.
It's infectious,
Hopefully in a good way.
And it can transform people.
It can transform the environment.
It can transform the world.
And so it's it's such a sacred task to be a carrier of joy and you and your band and your life and obviously your daughter,
You're all doing that.
And so I think that's that's super exciting,
But it's also a lot of work and it's it can be a heavy burden at times.
Making beauty feeds the holy.
So I strive to feed the holy that way,
That beauty and joy.
I've been a wonder since before that I was born.
Oh,
The way you saw the never aging dog,
My eyes,
Oh,
Cross this side,
But I can't see exactly what it's worth.
This has been episode 15 of Bite Sized Blessings,
The podcast all about the magic and spirit that surrounds us.
If only we open our eyes to it and whether you choose to listen to our bite sized offerings for that five to 10 minutes of freedom in your day or the longer interviews.
I'm so grateful you're here.
I need to thank the Reverend Christopher Watkins Lamb for not only being the guest today,
But also for letting us use the music from his band's latest album,
Tend This Flame.
And remember,
The band is Crispy Watkins and the Crack Willows.
Check out the rest of the album.
It's pretty great.
I'd like to thank the other contributors of the music today.
Chilled Music,
Lilo Sound,
Sasha End,
Kevin McLeod,
Agnies Falmagia,
Alexander Nakarada,
Winnie the Moog,
And Music L.
Files.
For complete attribution,
Please see the Bite Sized Blessings website at bite-sized-blessings.
Com.
Thanks for listening today.
I hope some part of this lifted your heart and inspired you to go out and grab the world and do what you will with it.
Thank you for listening.
And here's my one request.
Be like Christopher.
Ask your dreams for the answers and then live into them.
Sins of the father,
The daughter,
And the son fill my heart with coal and my dreams with golden blood.
But I dreamt of an island that sang out in our bones when mother was alive and precious to behold.
But I hang my hat where I lay my head,
Ain't it a thing to be a wanderer?
Yeah,
Hang my hat where I lay my head,
Ain't it a thing to be a wanderer?
But I hang my hat where I lay my head,
Ain't it a thing to be a wanderer?
Yeah,
Hang my hat where I lay my head,
Ain't it a thing to be a wanderer?
Laid my eyes all the way across this earth,
But I can't seem to name exactly what is good.
.
