Gaslighting is one of the most difficult things that any of us will have to recover from because gaslighting screws with our head.
It screws with our ability to trust ourselves,
Our own thoughts.
It feels like somebody has tap danced on our mind,
That they have worn these razors on the bottom of their tap dancing shoes,
And they have poked holes in our ability to trust our thoughts,
Our feelings,
Our perceptions,
And even our memories.
When you have been gaslighted,
Your reality has been screwed with.
You are dealing with someone who knows that they have to confuse you in order to control you.
You are dealing with someone who is very ill and who will most likely never get well because they don't accept that they're ill.
They live in an altered state of reality where they must remain the puppet masters,
And you are the victim.
And this is the way they cope with their own stress,
With their own unresolved trauma.
And if we are codependent,
If we are highly empathic,
If we are highly attuned to people,
If we are highly sensitive people,
We can get pulled into the lair of someone who lives in this type of a cave in their head,
And we can become trapped.
Decades,
We can die in the grips of an abusive gaslighting person,
And gaslighting is one of the number one characteristics of someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder or someone who is on the narcissistic spectrum.
These are people who are unable to look within and who see themselves as victims,
But yet they are the persecutor.
And you can end up feeling like a persecutor even though you are being persecuted,
Especially if you suffer from codependency.
And if you don't know already,
I'm on a crusade to help people awaken and to help them understand that you can literally live on planet Earth on autopilot,
Not questioning your reality,
Not questioning truth,
And just acting out and being reactive to what's showing up in your experience.
You can make lifelong decisions,
Decisions that affect your life for the rest of your life,
Without even thinking about the consequences of your decisions.
If you are codependent,
You can feel a red flag,
But you will quickly deny it when you are in the grips of a seductive narcissist or a covert narcissist or a vulnerable narcissist.
And so I want to run through about eight different things that you should be looking out for in every relationship.
Now,
I'm not saying you go around being paranoid.
I just say go around being aware and not like a child.
Children think everybody's safe.
This is why you can lure a child,
God forbid,
You can lure an innocent child off a playground saying,
You want chocolate chip cookie?
Or would you like to help me find my puppy?
Children trust everyone.
Adults have to understand that there are predator type personalities out there,
And considering that most parents don't do as good a job as they could,
Everybody's got trauma.
Everybody has things in their childhood that they have to work through.
But when you're unaware of this trauma,
You can become a victim of a predator type personality.
If you have been rejected over and over and abandoned over and over by one or both of your parents,
And if you've never felt validated by that parent that you wanted so deeply to connect with,
You will end up trying to connect with an energy being or personality that is very similar to this person who has consistently abandoned you in your childhood,
And you won't even know it.
If it's your father that consistently rejected you and you're a man,
You will attract a female in many cases who you will play this dynamic out with.
If you're a female and your mother rejected you,
You can attract a man into your life that is very similar to your mother.
In my experience,
Both professionally and personally,
This is the way it shows up.
If you have two parents who have consistently rejected you and abandoned you,
You are a prime target for narcissistic abuse.
You are the perfect candidate for an emotional manipulator.
You need to know that about yourself.
You need to have self-awareness.
You need to wake up.
You need to look at yourself.
You need to look at your history.
And I'm not talking about blaming your parents.
I'm talking about understanding who you are,
How you think,
What you do,
How you show up in relationships.
I'm talking about being the observer of your patterns.
I'm not talking about,
I'm going to blame my mommy for this and I'm going to blame my daddy for this.
Although,
Pinning the tail on the donkey is necessary in order to understand the I that I have become.
If you stay on the healing path long enough,
What you'll discover is that this leads to enlightenment,
Where enlightenment is,
Wow,
In my unconsciousness,
I created that which was unconscious and it could be no other way.
But in my consciousness of who I have become,
In my consciousness of my unconscious patterns,
I have the ability to live in my truth,
To be who I was born to be,
To be set free,
To acknowledge red flags with truth,
Honor,
And integrity,
To say,
Oh,
I did feel this way about this person,
But now I don't feel this way about this person anymore and this is why and that's okay.
As codependents,
We don't think before we jump.
We just jump.
We think everything's going to be okay.
I'm just going to love this person enough and if I deny enough and if I hold on enough and if I wait long enough,
They'll change.
Things are going to change.
They don't change.
If you understand the law of thermodynamics,
You pick up energy as you go and things get hotter as you go until they reach a point,
Like Big Bang,
Everything blows up.
It's the same for me.
It's the same for you.
I don't care how good you are.
I don't care how honorable you are.
It won't matter.
If you are living in denial and you are acting out subconscious patterns and you do not wake up,
It doesn't matter how many times you go to the temple.
It doesn't matter how many times you go to church.
I don't care how many Hail Marys you say.
It will not matter.
You are in denial.
You are acting out dysfunctional patterns.
You're picking up energy as you go.
This will combust and if you are lucky,
It will fall apart before you have children.
It will fall apart before you get married.
It will fall apart when you have a support system,
If you're lucky.
But those of us who,
For me for instance,
I was married 12 years before I was like,
Oh my God,
What have I done?
Put my foot on the step to that church,
Looked at my pretty white embellished shoe.
The entire time that I was dating my ex-husband,
I had red flags that I denied.
Nope,
Nope,
Attached to an outcome.
Said I was going to marry him.
I have to marry him.
Put my foot on the steps to that church.
Cried hysterically and everyone in my bridal party thought,
Oh,
She's so emotional.
No,
I knew I was making a mistake.
But as a co-dependent,
I didn't have the ability to stand in my truth,
Look my father in the eye and say,
I can't go through with this.
I didn't have the courage to look at everyone that showed up,
That I had taken on this journey,
That I had denied my truth with,
That I had pretended I was happier than I really was.
There were issues that I ignored,
Right?
And I just kept plowing through.
And on the altar when the pastor said,
You know,
You have to forgive seven times 70,
I said,
I will.
I will forgive seven times 70.
To me,
I realized that that forgiving was denying.
It was denying me for the sake of this ridiculous relationship that was not based in truth,
That was a complete falsehood to be perfectly candid.
He didn't love me the way he should have.
And he told me that many years later.
So here we were,
Two co-dependent young adults,
Unclear about who we were,
Saying,
Okay,
You know,
We're attracted to one another and we've come this far and whatever.
We might as well follow through with this,
Right?
Wrong.
We should have never.
But again,
I didn't have the life skills.
I didn't have parents who would support me.
I wasn't aware that I was co-dependent.
I wasn't in therapy.
I was just a mess.
And if I hadn't gotten married to him,
I have no idea what would have happened in my life because I was still sick.
I was still below the veil of consciousness.
I was still acting out subconscious patterns.
And I hadn't yet awakened.
In hindsight,
I'm very grateful that things played out the way they had because I ended up with three amazing children,
Amazing,
Insightful children that can look at themselves and are willing to change their lives.
And I'm so grateful.
So loving them and going through my divorce actually gave me the courage to keep going when I got divorced and I finally found the ability to say I'm not happy.
No matter what my ex-husband said,
I was not happy.
No matter how many times he told me I had no right to be unhappy and he tried everything he could to keep me stuck in that relationship.
No matter how many times he told me that I was selfish,
No matter how many times he told me I was destroying my family,
No matter how many times he devalued me,
Minimized me,
And gaslit me,
I kept going.
It was the toughest,
Toughest thing I had ever had to do,
I have ever had to do in my life.
And I did it because I knew that if I didn't,
My children would not have,
Or they would have a much less or greater chance of pushing through a divorce,
God forbid if they ever needed to get a divorce in the future,
If they ever needed to face codependency.
It was going to be a lot more difficult for them if their mother never did it.
Because I looked at my mother and I said,
Wow,
She's in a codependent relationship.
My mother died as a codependent.
I looked at my brother,
I looked at my sister,
I looked at my uncles,
I looked at the many people around me,
I thought lions and tigers and bears,
Oh my,
This codependency thing is everywhere.
And I thought,
I have to break through,
I have to do this.
And every day it was difficult to face a new challenge,
To face my mind,
To check myself.
Every time I fell down,
And I fell down a lot,
My life was very dark,
But I began to understand subconscious programming,
I began to understand how the truth set you free,
And that became a way of life for me.
But I think it's important that we grow up and we understand that not everybody that says they love us actually loves us.
And there are things that we need to look at,
So let's talk about those things.
Number one,
When you're dealing with an abusive person,
Their actions do not match what they say.
So they say one thing,
But they do another.
They say they love your family,
But they don't act like they love your family.
They say they love you,
But they mess with your head.
They say they're not a liar,
But they lie.
And so they say that they have integrity,
But they really don't have integrity.
They say they care about you,
But they lie about you.
So their actions do not match what they say.
They say that,
Oh,
They're going to take care of you and make so much money,
But they don't get a job,
Or they keep losing their job.
So you're going to notice that as you're becoming more aware and you're being more objective about the people you've attracted into your life,
You're going to look for people who actually mean what they say and say what they mean and follow through.
You're going to become more aware of this idea that,
Wow,
If I can't ignore this when someone says they're going to do something and they don't.
I remember dating somebody who told me that he had his own business,
And he actually went as far as to create clothing with a logo that never existed.
I mean,
Actions did not match his words.
This was a complete fabrication.
It's important that we're looking.
So if someone says that they like someone,
But they act like they don't,
That's a huge red flag.
The second thing that you'll look for is that they will validate you,
Then minimize you.
So what will happen is when you first meet someone,
They're all over you,
Right?
They validate you.
They make you feel seen.
But six,
Seven,
Eight months,
It might take a year.
All of a sudden,
You're feeling like this person is devaluing you.
They are left-handed compliments.
They say things like,
Oh,
Well,
It's probably your childhood that's the reason you think this way.
Or my ex-husband used to say,
Well,
Lisa,
Your mother never liked you,
And you have a problem with everybody.
But this is someone who said he loved me.
So in time,
You're going to notice that there is this up and this down.
There's no consistency.
When someone really loves you,
They don't change.
That stays solid.
They don't take jabs at you,
Especially when my ex-husband was really good at when I wanted to talk to him about something serious.
That's when he took me out at the knees.
That's where he,
All of the things that I shared with him about my childhood,
They would come out as weapons.
And they really,
They did cripple me.
That's a form of gaslighting.
So what they also understand is that the third sign that you're looking for is if you feel confused.
Somebody who is gaslighting you and who is manipulative knows that you have to feel confused so that they can control you.
The last thing they want is for you to have clarity.
Right?
And they do this by,
In a number of different ways.
You know,
Like I said,
Their actions don't match what they say.
They validate you one minute,
And then all of a sudden they're devaluing you,
Which is very confusing.
And so it's very important that you understand that the hallmark of somebody who is emotionally manipulative and a gaslighter is somebody who is looking to confuse you.
So your signal is,
Are you confused in your relationship?
There's a reason.
It's dysfunctional and it's toxic,
And that is a huge sign.
So the fourth thing,
What you'll notice,
And there are many,
But I'm just going to outline eight.
But number four is you'll notice that an emotional manipulator often tells you that other people are jealous of them or other people are judging them.
And what's really happening is this is projection.
So master manipulators are using projection and you are the victim.
Right?
So they are telling,
They are revealing themselves to you,
But because you might be so codependent or have high empathy or just so confused by this situation that you're believing them.
Right?
And you're empathizing with them.
What you're not noticing is that they are revealing themselves to you.
And the more objective you become,
The more of a detective you become,
You will notice that they accuse people exactly of what they are guilty of.
So pay attention.
Number five,
They lie,
Then they deny the truth,
Even when you have proof.
So,
You know,
Even when you,
Like for instance,
I shared that,
You know,
I was dating somebody who said that he owned this security company.
And even when there was truth,
He was denying the truth.
It was absolutely insanity on steroids.
Nothing was his fault.
Everybody was out to get him.
And he didn't want to take any responsibility for what was happening.
And even for the fact that I had proof.
The other interesting thing is that even when someone is lying to you,
Right?
So they say that they're working at,
You know,
They're working down the block at some store that you know about.
Right?
And you believe them.
And now,
You know,
You're starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
Things aren't fitting.
And you're like,
Where's the proof?
They will make up stories to justify why there is no proof.
And again,
You will feel confused.
So just keep that in mind.
Number six,
The bar is always moving.
When you are in love with the master manipulator,
You feel like you're on the ground beneath your feet isn't solid.
The sand is always shifting.
And that's very unsettling psychologically and emotionally and cognitively because truth is solid.
Right?
You're walking around in truth,
You know,
And you know this person loves you because their words match their behavior.
And you know,
They aren't trying to separate you from friends and family.
And they say they have a job and they actually have a job.
They say one thing and you could actually say,
Oh yeah,
That's truth.
Truth.
Look,
This person followed through.
I can see that.
I can see that.
When you are dealing with somebody who is not truthful,
You are,
Your relationship is built on sand,
Quicksand even.
And so they're constantly changing their story.
You catch them in a lie,
They change the story.
They have another excuse for why they said that.
You ask them,
You know,
Why did you lie to that person?
And they minimize it.
They make a big deal.
Like it's no big deal that I lied to this person.
Right?
No accountability.
No accountability.
So it's like trying to nail jello to a wall.
Can you do that?
No.
But when you think you should be able to nail jello to a wall and you don't think you're dealing with jello,
It's a maddening experience,
Which all lends itself to understanding even deeper why so many people were manipulated by gaslighting and narcissistic people,
People on the spectrum,
Why they feel confused.
Number eight.
So really,
Really interesting.
I talked a bit earlier about projection.
But what happens in the case of projection is that you're unconscious.
And now this person is accusing you of cheating.
This person is accusing you of what they are guilty of.
And what happens?
You end up defending yourself.
Right?
And you're a rational person.
So here you are devastated that this person that you love,
That you're not yet aware is a manipulator,
Thinks you might be cheating.
So you go right into fawning,
Acquiescing,
Defending yourself,
And making sure that this person doesn't think you're cheating.
Right?
So you don't even realize you're under this spell,
This sick spell,
And you just keep defending yourself.
You're getting more and more confused.
And what happens is you're pulled off the mark.
Now you can't hold this person accountable because they have made you the persecutor.
Right?
They have made you the person who's wrong.
So here you are stuck in a state of defending yourself,
And you've done nothing wrong,
Which increases your state of confusion,
Which is the whole goal of gaslighting.
So number eight,
They are master manipulators that align themselves with people that they know will defend them,
That they know will absolutely lie for them.
You have to understand that while they're in a relationship with you,
They're triangulating.
They're on to their next great story.
In case things go bust with you,
They have to have another victim.
We call this the narcissistic supply because master manipulators,
They're living in an altered state of reality.
It's not a true reality.
But when you're a victim of narcissistic abuse and you're a victim of gaslighting,
You don't know this.
You're stuck.
This is like a ferris wheel that never ends.
It's ongoing.
Right?
And what's beautiful about being a conscious human being is you can stop the fricking ride.
You can say,
No more.
I want off this crazy ride.
You can leave this master manipulator on that ferris wheel.
It'll be the fight for your life,
But you can do it.
You have to awaken.
You have to see the ferris wheel.
You have to see the karmic cause and effect of reality that you may be here because you denied a red flag.
You may be here because of things that happened to you in your childhood,
But it's important that you know that the universe doesn't really care what happened to you in your childhood.
The universe isn't going to diaper your butt and powder your butt.
The universe just pays attention to your decisions.
And it doesn't care if your decisions are unconscious.
It doesn't care if you're codependent.
It doesn't care if you're a people pleaser.
Right?
It is so important that those of us who come from childhoods that were dysfunctional,
That were unsettling,
And that were and we were rejected by one or both of our parents that we recognize these traits in us,
Keep us on these ferris wheels with very disordered personalities.
And the good news is that we can awaken.
We can be codependent free.
We can be free of this,
But we can jump onto another ferris wheel and create a new life.
But if we do not awaken and stay awakened and do not work on ourselves,
What will happen is we just transfer one dysfunctional ferris wheel for another.
My hope is that this work that I prepare for you allows you to see how much power and control you really do have in your life,
And it helps you become the master of your reality by living in your truth,
Honoring your truth,
Setting those boundaries,
And facing,
Upsetting the apple cart.
No one should have the right to make you think and believe in things that are untrue.
If your relationships feel crazy,
That's because they're toxic,
And you have the right to say no more.
Thank you so much for being here.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am the breakthrough life coach and expert in codependency and narcissistic abuse,
And you have a right to shine on and be brilliant,
Dear ones.
Namaste.
Until next time.
Bye for now.
