How To Trust Your Girlfriend Or Boyfriend Again

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and in this video I'm gonna talk about how to trust again after you are broken up with,

Cheated on or.

.

.

I think that covers it.

Yeah.

That you cheated on or broken up with or ended the relationship in some other way.

So what I'm gonna say about this topic is probably going to be very,

Very different from what you heard from other sources.

But if you get it,

If you see what I'm saying,

If you see the truth of what I'm saying by the end of it,

Oh,

You're gonna feel a lot of relief.

A lot of relief.

So without further ado,

How to trust again.

So before we go into how to trust again,

We need to understand what trust is.

And my definition of trust is quite simply the confusion between what you know and what you believe.

Okay?

The confusion between what you know and what you believe.

So for example,

Let's say,

I know I have a job and I trust that they will pay me tomorrow.

I don't know that they will pay me.

I trust.

Okay?

I know that I have a hand.

I believe that I will have it tomorrow.

Or I trust that I will have it tomorrow.

So trust is another way to say I believe.

But I believe strongly.

Okay?

But when we confuse trust to be what I know,

Then we get into a whole load of trouble.

Okay?

So,

If someone says I love you,

Do you know that's true?

No.

You want to believe it.

You want to trust that it's true.

But you can't possibly know it.

You cannot know that someone else loves you.

Because how could you verify it?

Well,

Where's the evidence in reality?

Right?

Can you just say,

Oh,

I have their love now and just hold it?

No.

There's no proof.

Right?

So,

Since we desperately want them to love us,

We look to their actions and their words and their facial expressions or whatever to try to prove to us.

Right?

So if they say I love you,

We say,

Yay,

They love me.

Maybe that proves that they love me.

Or if they call us,

That proves they love me.

Or if they buy us a gift,

Or if they remember our birthday,

Or if they are willing to sacrifice what they want to do for us,

That proves that they love us.

But none of that actually proves that they love you.

That's just a game you're playing in your own imagination.

Constantly evaluating what they do,

Hoping that you can evaluate it in a way that proves they love me.

But what comes of that?

Anxiety and worry because you don't know it to be true.

Right?

You don't know they love you.

You're just desperately trying to believe it.

But what happens is this.

When we first enter into relationships with,

You know,

For the first time in general,

Like a first long-term relationship,

Or if it's a new person even,

We're able to convince ourselves sometimes that our imagination is true.

They love me.

And we actually believe it's real.

They love me.

I know it.

And there's very little doubt.

Right?

They called me.

They said they loved me.

They said they want to be with me forever.

They love me.

Okay?

Game over.

End of story.

They love me.

Even though you didn't know it to be true,

You really fully believed it.

But once somebody cheats on you,

Once somebody leaves you,

Then all of a sudden it casts doubt in your imagination.

Right?

Because before,

You knew they loved you.

You knew it.

I know they loved you.

And then it turned out they didn't.

They cheated or they left you.

So now all of a sudden there's this little doubt,

This little crack in your imagination.

Right?

Before you believed your imagination was real and true.

They love me.

But even though you believed,

I know they love me,

You were wrong.

Your imagination was wrong.

They didn't love you.

Right?

So,

The next time your imagination wants to tell you they love me,

There's this little voice in there,

But last time you were wrong.

Maybe they don't love you.

And that's the truth.

You don't know.

No matter how much they do,

You have no idea whether they love you.

You have no idea whether they will continue to love you.

So the other popular ways to say how to trust again is you have to earn their trust.

You have to develop it.

You have to build it.

It takes time.

And that's fine.

You can try that approach and see if it works for you.

But what that is saying is it takes time to again convince yourself that your imagination is real and true.

I don't want to live in my imagination.

I don't know about you.

I don't want to live confusing my imagination with reality and trying to convince myself that someone loves me when the truth is I don't know whether they do.

So if I'm suggesting don't convince yourself that they love you,

If I'm saying you don't know whether they love you,

Well then what hope do you have?

Well,

Right?

Well,

Here's the thing.

As long as you need them to love you for you to be happy,

You're suffering.

You have anxiety.

You have doubt.

Right?

Because if you think their love makes you happy,

Well then you're going to be afraid of losing them.

But if you discover their love doesn't make you happy and their love doesn't mean you are worthy and special and great and lovable and likable in any way,

Well then you're free.

See as long as you think if they love me that means I'm worthy and okay,

Then if they don't love me it means I'm insufficient,

Unworthy,

And there's something wrong with me.

As long as you think their love makes you happy,

Then you're going to think if they don't love me it means I'll never be happy and I'll be unhappy or less happy.

So in order to be free of even the debate in your head,

Do I trust them or not?

So I'm not saying,

So how to trust again sounds like I need to develop trust.

And what I'm saying is actually the opposite.

What I'm saying is instead of trying to trust again,

I'm suggesting or trying to show you how to become okay or free or at peace with the fact that you can't trust them.

Not that you can't trust them because they don't love you or they're bad.

That you can't trust anything.

Right?

And that's not cynical,

It's reality.

You don't know it to be true.

Right?

So instead of trying to develop that I trust their love,

How about trying to recognize my happiness isn't dependent on their love,

My worth isn't dependent on their love.

So in order to discover that,

In order to be at peace and free of anxiety about whether they love you,

Free of worry about whether they love you,

Free of evaluating constantly their actions to determine whether they love you,

All you need to do is discover.

If they love me,

Does that mean I'm great?

Does that mean I'm lovable?

Whatever they love about you,

Someone else might not like.

Whatever they love about you,

Sometimes you might not exemplify that.

Right?

So maybe they love that you're nice.

Well sometimes you're not nice.

They may love that you're successful.

You may lose that.

They may love that you're funny.

Well you're not always funny.

Right?

They may love your personality,

Other people might not.

Right?

They may love your looks,

Other people might not.

They may love your looks and that could change.

Right?

It doesn't mean you're special or worthy,

Okay,

That they love you.

It's just a match of preferences.

That's it.

If she loves a song,

Does that mean it's the best song,

The great song,

Or a worthy song?

No,

It just means that's what she likes.

It has nothing to do with it.

It doesn't mean anything about the song.

That's just her preference.

Somebody else might not like it.

She likes a TV show,

Does that mean it's the best TV show,

The greatest one,

Worthy,

Likable,

Something?

No,

It's just her preference.

Right?

So we're each unique in different ways and sometimes we come across people who like our uniqueness in some way.

That doesn't mean we're better.

We're just different.

Right?

So,

Like,

If I make a movement like this,

A clap,

Is this a good movement or a bad movement?

It's just a movement.

If you think it's good,

It doesn't mean that it is.

It's just a movement.

So if someone thinks I am good,

It doesn't mean I am.

I'm just here and each one tells their own stories about whether I'm good or I'm bad,

Whether they love me or not.

So if they stop loving you or they don't love you in the first place,

What does that mean about you?

Does that mean you're unworthy?

No,

Someone else might love that,

Might love you,

Might love what they hate.

Right?

It doesn't mean you're insufficient.

If they stop loving you because you didn't do something,

Right,

You didn't appreciate them enough,

Respect them enough or call them enough or whatever,

Some interpretation they had,

Somebody else might be okay with that.

Or maybe they're expecting you to do something that you can't possibly do.

They're expecting you to make them happy.

Well,

The truth is you can't get rid of their anxieties at work.

You can't get rid of their anxieties about the future.

You can't get rid of their insecurity about their personality,

Their insecurity about their looks.

You can't get rid of their sadness about the past,

Their problems with coworkers,

Any of that.

So if they're expecting you to make them happy and you can't because you're a human being,

Well,

Then they might stop loving you.

But there's nothing,

It doesn't mean you're insufficient.

It just means that you're insufficient at completing the task that they asked you to complete.

We're all completely insufficient at fulfilling the role of the one to make somebody else happy.

None of us can make anyone happy because we can't delete the thoughts in someone's head that make them unhappy.

Right?

So the next fear or anxiety about whether they love us is if they love me,

I'll be happy.

If they don't love me,

I'll be unhappy.

Is that true?

If they love you,

You'll be happy.

If they love you,

You're not going to worry about the future.

You're not going to worry about whether they love you.

You're not going to judge them.

You're not going to have insecurities,

Guilt about your parenting,

Sadness,

Anger,

Everything in between.

No,

It doesn't do anything.

It gives you moments of pleasure when they say,

I love you and you go,

Yay,

I'm lovable.

I'm okay.

Anything can give you a moment of pleasure.

It's not like you live a fulfilled life or you're happy or you're joyous or you're free or you're free of worries and anxiety or anything because they love you.

Their love doesn't have the power to do that.

So at the same time,

If you lose their love or if you never had their love,

That doesn't mean you're guaranteed to be unhappy.

That doesn't mean you're guaranteed to be less happy.

It just means you don't have them.

Right?

Look at that.

If they leave you or if you don't have their love,

You can still be happy.

You can just look at the thoughts in your head and address them and lose it.

Right?

If you want to lose your anxiety,

Getting someone to say,

I love you doesn't do it.

Looking at the thoughts that cause your anxiety and questioning them and challenging them and losing those thoughts,

That's how you become free and happy.

But just on even on a more shallow level,

If they leave you and they stop loving you,

You might have more free time to do things you love.

You might meet somebody else who's a better fit.

You might,

Who knows?

Right?

You have no idea.

What are all the effects of them leaving you,

Them not loving you?

You don't know what all the future effects are.

So and then taking it maybe in a different route also is you think that you feel their love.

Right?

You feel it.

So you think if they love me,

I feel it and I want to feel that.

But if they love you and you believe that they're cheating,

What do you feel?

Nothing.

You feel anger,

Hurt,

Worried.

You don't feel their love even if they do.

And if you think that they love you when they're really cheating,

Which maybe happened or they really don't love you and they're planning on leaving you,

But you think that they love you,

You feel great.

Yay,

They love me.

You're not feeling their love all this time.

You're only feeling the stories in your head to become free.

Right?

Because the question how to trust again is really a different question.

It's how do I stop having anxiety about whether they love me?

So we determine that the way to stop having anxiety is to just strengthen my trust in them.

Now what I'm suggesting is stop.

If you want to lose your anxiety about whether they love you,

Recognize that your happiness is independent on their love or staying in a relationship.

That's all.

So I hope the video was clear.

I hope you understood it.

Please feel free to look in the comments below or ask a question in the comments below for more answers or check out my other videos.

I have a lot of different videos on this topic.

So thank you for watching and I'll see you around.

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