I'm Skylar Liberty Rose and today's talk is on finding the courage to rewrite your story in midlife.
One of the biggest misconceptions about midlife is that our story so far is the story that will continue.
If we've found ourselves caught up in toxic relationships,
Unhealthy behaviours or financial struggle,
It's easy for us to believe that life will only offer us more of the same.
That we're destined to repeat these patterns forevermore.
The truth is,
We get to make different choices.
Our past experiences inform us,
But they don't define us.
We get to turn our lives around and we get to rewrite our story.
I often say that our stories matter,
Because they do.
They really do.
And we all have a story.
But it's important for us to remember that we are the ones holding the pen.
We are the ones writing the script.
We are the ones who have that power.
It took me decades to reach a point where I really began to have awareness about how much power I truly had,
And longer still before I was able to harness that power.
In any life,
There are pivotal moments that offer us opportunities.
It's important to pay attention to those moments and use them to steer our lives in the direction we want them to go in.
I'd like to share with you some of the story of my first marriage.
I was married to a great man,
And I loved him very much,
As did all of my friends and family.
He was that person who could be in any room with anyone and just hit it off with them.
Everything was all mapped out for me.
We were married.
It was a given that I would have children.
We'd leave London,
Move out to the suburbs,
And check all the boxes we were supposed to check.
But there was one issue,
And that was that I had fallen out of love with my husband,
And I was really struggling.
Over time,
I realised that I couldn't stay,
That I would lose myself in my marriage if I didn't leave.
It is really hard to leave a man that everybody loves,
Because when there's no awful reason to leave,
You don't elicit much sympathy or support from people.
You're generally met with blank faces,
Judgement,
And confusion.
And yet,
I knew.
I just knew that this was the right choice for me.
I had even planned how I might be able to leave.
I'd considered options,
And the thing is,
I'm a planner.
I like structure.
So it was somewhat of a surprise to me that I found myself calling him on the way home from a work trip,
On Valentine's Day no less,
And I just blurted out to him,
I'm not coming home.
I didn't have a safety net.
There was no plan.
I just knew in that moment that I had to try to find the courage to say what I needed to for myself.
Because nobody else would.
Nobody else could.
My future was depending on me.
That was a pivotal moment,
Because not only did that moment of courage change the course of my life,
But it acted as a benchmark of what I had the power to do.
It reminded me of what I could choose.
What I could determine.
Who I could still become.
Most of all,
It reminded me of my strength and resilience.
That pivotal moment sparked many more moments where I'd go on to make courageous choices.
Courage really is contagious.
And once we've taken one brave step forward,
It gets easier.
It doesn't have to be a huge leap.
It can be a small step,
But something that has required us to summon our courage.
Once we've made one bold choice,
We're more inclined to be able to make the next bold choice.
We build confidence through our courage.
And all of this helps us to rewrite our story.
It sounds really straightforward,
Right?
Maybe even now in your head you're visualising and romanticising what a bold choice looks like.
How easy and effortless it might be.
The truth is,
It's not always easy.
Oftentimes it can feel messy and painful and hard.
And there'll be a part of you saying,
I don't want to do this.
It will feel easier to just carry on in your comfort zone and keep going as you are.
But that choice is simply going to bring you more of the same.
There's a voice inside you that will guide you if you listen to it.
That voice for me wasn't from God,
But it was from a higher knowing,
A higher being,
A pool of inner wisdom within me that just knew.
For you,
Maybe you'll define that voice differently.
Maybe it is your God or your guru.
That's for you to decide.
What matters is that you listen to that voice and act on it.
So what did leaving my marriage do for me?
It acted as a benchmark.
My reminder of what I had the power to do,
Despite what anyone else's opinion was.
Not too long after that,
I had another pivotal moment in my life.
I was living in England and I had some friends over for dinner one night.
After our dinner,
I was feeling really bloated and uncomfortable and my friends were laughing at me a little bit because I was sitting on the sofa and they teased me for getting out of doing the dishes.
But that night,
I couldn't sleep.
In fact,
I couldn't lay down.
I had this awful pain that was getting worse and worse and it would only ease if I leaned forward.
The next morning,
I slowly walked to my doctor's office and he ran some blood tests.
I managed to get myself back home and within an hour,
I had a voice message from my doctor saying,
You need to get to the hospital now.
The upshot was that I had severe pancreatitis and I was hospitalised immediately.
I almost didn't make it.
It was a very serious condition.
I was in the hospital for a while and because there were limited beds,
I was placed in a ward that had very old and very ill people,
Some of whom were clearly not going to make it out of the hospital.
One night,
I needed to use the bathroom and I was just starting to be able to walk again.
So I was shuffling along with my IV stand and I remember looking at all the faces as I passed each bed.
Sickly and sallow faces.
Right there,
In that moment,
I said to myself,
If you make it out of here,
You'd better go ahead and live your life.
And that's what I did.
I made a promise to myself and I kept it.
I left the hospital.
I got better.
It took a while,
But I got there.
I moved back in with my parents.
I sold all my belongings,
My car,
My furniture,
Even some clothes.
I paid off all my debt and I started saving.
Then I took myself off to India for six months.
As I travelled around,
I tried to remember who I was before the world came along and told me who I was supposed to be.
I wasn't trying to find myself.
I was trying to remember myself.
When I returned to London,
I vowed that I wouldn't put myself in any relationship,
Be it personal or professional,
That wasn't aligned with me or my values.
That's a promise I've kept to this day.
In fact,
In 2011,
I decided that my life was so different than the life I was supposed to have according to my upbringing that I couldn't relate to my birth name anymore.
So I changed it by deed poll.
There was some ridicule from family members and friends,
Some judgement,
Some disappointment and disapproval.
And I did it anyway.
Just a few years afterwards,
I remarried and left London to move to New York.
I also began two businesses.
And I didn't have all the answers,
Not by a long shot.
But I did have the determination to live my life on my terms.
I had a pocket full of courage and a willingness to take a risk.
Because I'd already experienced a life of toeing the line and it hadn't made me happy.
There's a beautiful quote from Anna Eastning which is,
That's exactly how I felt.
That my need to create a life for myself was more of a priority than anyone else's comfort.
Living my life on my own terms was no longer something I could afford to turn away from.
Although leaving my marriage and surviving pancreatitis were fairly big things,
It's important to note that there were a number of what I call tiny courageous moments that took place prior to those events.
Those moments didn't seem remarkable or extraordinary.
They seemed like everyday decisions.
But there's a wonderful cumulative effect that comes from tiny courageous moments.
They lead somewhere.
They really do.
So please don't doubt yourself and think that you need a big pivotal moment in order for you to create change in your life.
You don't.
You only need to remember what you've already achieved,
How far you've already come,
And then be willing to take the next small step.
I guarantee that you have a history of your very own tiny courageous moments.
Times when you've had the courage to say yes.
Times when you've had the courage to say no.
Times when you've had the courage to walk away,
Or the courage to stay.
Times when you've stepped forward without a safety net,
Not knowing exactly where that step would lead you,
But knowing for sure that staying still or going backwards was not an option.
To help you tap into your courage,
I'd like to invite you to create your own tiny courageous moments list.
Write down any obstacles you've overcome in your life,
Or challenges you've faced.
It can be anything at all.
Learning to swim when you had a fear of water.
Leaving a job or a relationship that was sucking the soul from you.
Creating a boundary with someone in your family,
Or giving a speech in front of a group of people.
Daring to try something new,
A recipe,
An exercise,
An experience you'd never had before.
Commit to writing five things on your list to begin with,
And then commit to another five.
Keep going with as many as you can.
No tiny courageous moment is too tiny to be included.
It's also important to write how you felt as a result of those actions.
Did you feel excited and energised?
Inspired?
More motivated?
If you felt fearful or nervous,
That's okay.
Write that down.
But make sure you also write down what came from that fear.
What arose out of that feeling?
Where did your fear take you?
This matters because we forget how much we've already overcome.
We forget how many tiny courageous moments we've already experienced in our lives.
And when we actively remember,
We are bolstering ourselves and empowering ourselves to keep going,
To keep growing.
And that's how we rewrite our stories.
Keep adding to your tiny courageous moments list over the coming months.
Keep bolstering yourself with your own amazing track record.
Keep noticing how instrumental these tiny moments are in creating the bigger picture that is the tapestry of your life.
A life of courage and authenticity.
A life that belongs to you.
A life story that you're shaping and writing each and every day.
Thank you for joining me today.
Sending deep love and gratitude from my heart to yours.
