Welcome to Life Unedited Sanctuary.
Where reality happens.
I'm Tiffany.
Life Unedited is the practice of radical acceptance of life at face value.
Without judgment,
To the best of our ability.
This is a look at attachment styles through the lens of reality therapy and radical acceptance.
I have been getting asked a lot about my take on attachment styles lately.
My first response to that is literally,
I don't think of them.
This topic came up the other day on my podcast with my bestie,
Tess,
Who's a co-death doula and the illustrator of my book.
After she asked me the question,
What did I think about attachment styles?
I gave my pat answer and then a download came through.
This is what unfolded.
Attachment styles are focused on relationships outside of ourselves,
Beginning with our first caregivers,
Our parents,
Or whatever that looks like.
And how the initial attachment allegedly generalizes over onto our attachment in future relationships.
The most important attachment is with ourselves.
So,
We can turn those attachment styles inward to introspect on how we attach to ourselves or,
In reality speak,
How we radically accept ourselves.
And how we do that does play a significant part in how we show up in our relationships.
Let's take a closer look at each attachment style,
One by one,
Through the lens of reality.
Fearful avoidant.
This one is where a person desperately wants to be loved and desperately tries to protect themselves from being hurt.
In relationships,
This looks like,
Love me,
Don't love me,
I'm going to leave you before you leave me.
The reality theory is this person believes their ego story that they are not good enough and has learned to seek the love and trust they desperately want in relationships outside of themselves in an attempt to prove their worth not only to themselves but also to people in their world.
Dismissive avoidant.
This person clings tightly to their independence,
To the detriment of relationships,
Because they withhold their emotions and pull away when their partner seeks closeness.
The reality theory is this person lacks a sense of self-trust,
Which can be seen in their inability to trust their partner with their emotions or closer intimacy.
The lack of self-trust is rooted in not good enough,
Not worthy,
And or not deserving.
Anxious,
Preoccupied.
Here,
A person legitimately craves deeper and deeper levels of intimacy in an attempt to calm their fear of abandonment.
These can be seen as overly needy or clingy people in relationships,
Always seeking validation or assurance.
The reality theory is this person is an amped up version of fearful avoidant on one hand because their desperation reaches a crave-like need level.
On the other hand,
They don't go out of their way to protect themselves from being hurt,
But rather completely compromise themselves and lack personal boundaries to the point of complete submission.
All of this is done to thwart their ego story of abandonment.
In reality,
Their abandonment comes from within.
They have abandoned themselves through their compromise of self and lack of personal boundaries.
Their self-abandonment results in a lack of self-trust and self-acceptance.
Secure.
This style is the goal because there is a balance of independence and intimacy.
These relationships are rooted in trust,
Effective communication,
And emotional maturity.
Reality theory.
This person has a strong sense of self-acceptance,
Which they are able to project onto their relationships.
Accepting,
Trusting,
Effectively communicating with,
And maintaining appropriate and balanced emotions in regard to their partners.
That's what makes it the goal.
I'm sure we can all see why striving for a secure attachment style is ideal.
I am here to assure people that it is possible.
And I am also here to offer a reality therapy perspective of the old school attachment style therapies.
The main difference is that reality therapy is self-focused.
It is not selfish.
We can only give what we are able to give ourselves.
If we don't think we are good enough,
Worthy,
Or deserving,
Then that's what we project onto our relationships.
On the flip side,
If we are secure within ourselves,
Then we project that onto our relationships.
We all have moments of self-doubt.
That is human.
It's how we bounce back from those moments,
Like giving ourselves grace,
Picking ourselves up,
And moving forward.
It's continual practice to remember that all communication is a projection of the speaker and not a reflection of us.
That no communication is personal,
And we are 100% responsible for our reactions and emotions.
It's also a worthwhile practice of radically accepting ourselves,
Our partners,
Our pasts,
And our realities.
That doesn't mean liking or agreeing with everything.
That means being responsible for the things we can change about ourselves,
Which inevitably changes our realities.
When we accept our realities,
We unstick ourselves from our stories and give ourselves the opportunity to move from a lighter,
More positive place within.
Reminding ourselves that life is a practice and not a perfection.
We are here to learn,
Connect,
And grow.
Into our own individual potentials.
It's the age-old adage.
We can't love someone if we don't love ourselves.
Secure relationships start with us,
And we are not to blame if the relationship does not work or it ends.
There are typically two people in relationships and both of them have to put in the effort to show up secure in themselves.
Both of them have to choose themselves to be able to choose their partners every day.
