Welcome to Life Unedited Sanctuary.
Where reality happens.
I'm Tiffany.
Today's reading is another teaser from my soon-to-be-published book,
Life Unedited,
The Power of Radical Acceptance for Couples.
Communication is a projection of the speaker,
Not a reflection of the listener.
Quite literally,
A projection.
When people speak,
They are projecting words toward listeners.
Listeners hear the words and project words back.
Dialogue occurs in these projections by nature of shared human experience.
We resonate with what is being said.
We've had a similar experience.
We've felt that way,
Etc.
When we communicate,
We are projecting our memories,
Feelings,
Values,
Beliefs,
Thoughts,
And opinions onto people around us.
According to the theory of projection,
Every person in our lives,
Including our partners,
Is also projecting their own memories,
Feelings,
Values,
Beliefs,
Thoughts,
And opinions.
Knowing this,
We gain more information about the speaker by taking a pause and reminding ourselves that they are talking about themselves in our direction.
We take things less personally because their projections are about them,
Not us.
We can only talk about ourselves.
Even when we are talking about our partner,
We are relaying our observation of them,
Or feelings about them,
Or our experience with them.
It is still about us.
Projection is a reflection of the speaker.
It has been said that everyone outside of us is another facet of us.
So in essence,
Everyone is a mirror for us,
Of us.
When we are speaking,
We are saying things about ourselves toward the person we are speaking to.
This is because we see an aspect of ourselves in them that reminds us of ourselves,
And we are either addressing that feature or trying to deflect feelings related to that feature.
Of us onto the listener because we are uncomfortable or bothered by it.
This theory takes the proverbial punch out of a fight and dispels arguments.
When two people disagree on something,
It is because they came to their belief or opinion by way of each of their personal life experiences.
No two people's experiences will ever be the same.
That doesn't mean one or the other person is right or wrong.
Just different.
There is no single right and what is right for us does not make the other person wrong when we accept that our opinions do not align.
Then the argument is thwarted and we have the opportunity to discuss further,
Change our minds,
Come to a compromise,
Or agree to disagree.
Here are a couple of examples.
A husband,
Wife,
And their teenage daughter are standing at a crosswalk waiting to cross the street.
Just then,
Two vehicles collide in the intersection.
When emergency response arrives,
They interview the family members about what they saw.
Husband says the Chevy ran the yellow light and hit the Ford.
White says the man ran into the vehicle with the women and children.
Teenage daughter says the blue car hit the red car.
All three saw the same incident,
And all three saw from their own perspective.
Those perspectives give us information about each person.
Husband recognizes vehicle mates.
Wife's focus is on the mother and her children.
Teenage daughter is focused on the color.
All three are different and all three are right,
Projecting their own observations.
Political leanings are a hot-button topic and a great example of projection.
Let's say one partner leans left and the other leans right.
Both are passionate in their convictions.
Both were raised with families where political discussions flowed freely and ultimately made their choices based on their experience within those family discussions.
The two are having dinner and the topic of politics comes up as they are at odds about an upcoming election.
These conversations can become heated,
Trying to prove one side over the other,
Which is really trying to prove my right.
Is you are wrong,
Which is really a projection of an unconscious belief that I'm not good enough.
I know that took a leap,
Except that most of us spend a great deal of our lives trying to prove our worth to ourselves via proving it to others.
This is projection.
The partners see themselves in the candidates or party of choice.
They fight for their choice as a way of fighting for themselves.
If their choice wins,
Then they are right,
And that is an ego boost,
Proving their own worth to themselves.
So what if our partner verbally attacks us?
Most of us would jump to defend ourselves and attack back.
The theory of projection gives us an option to pause.
We can recognize this verbal attack as a projection of how the attacker feels about themselves,
Pause,
And choose to formulate an authentic response rather than counterattack.
This is a huge reminder.
We choose our response rather than react.
Now this does not mean that we take it when verbally attacked.
It means we do not lower ourselves to the energetic level the attacker is.
In the pause,
We have options.
We can attempt to diffuse.
We can walk away.
We can derail by bringing something totally out of the blue up.
There are any number of options.
Attacking back is a reaction to an extreme emotion,
And we all know that nothing is solved in those moments.
Things are said that are not meant,
And things that are meant are not said.
Understand that choosing not to defend ourselves in an argument,
Or worse,
A verbal attack,
Does not mean that we are weak.
It also does not mean that we agree with the person attacking us.
We are not conceding by not engaging.
We are demonstrating strength in self that we choose not to engage.
Quite frankly,
In healthy relationships,
There isn't a reason to have to defend ourselves.
Don't get me wrong,
There are situations when defending a position,
Keyword position,
Can be appropriate.
Discussing differing points of view is an example.
Sharing your individual truths can be healthy,
Stimulating conversation.
When a person verbally attacks another,
It is because of some highly emotional internal chaos inside of them that is so uncomfortable they don't know what to do with it,
So they project it onto another person.
This is an attempt to rid themselves of the feeling or an attempt to bring the other person to their level in hopes that the other person will understand their discomfort and commiserate with them.
Classic Misery Loves Company.
We have become a society driven by fear,
Ego,
And unexamined emotion.
We often operate from knee-jerk reactions.
If you think about it,
Reacting inappropriately never works.
Instead,
Every time we're triggered,
Bothered,
Or even inspired by someone,
We have an opportunity to ask,
What is this showing me about myself?
Not every answer will be easy.
Some truths are uncomfortable.
But all projections are a mirror,
And that mirror is always teaching us something about ourselves.
The theory of projection is multifaceted and can be difficult to grasp.
The beauty of projection is that it happens all day,
Every day,
So we can practice all the time.
Just remember that we are always looking into a metaphorical mirror and what we see is based on our own life experiences.
And what we see often points to something that we're ready to see in ourselves.
