Welcome to Life Unedited Sanctuary.
Where reality.
Happens.
I'm Tiffany.
And I'm a reality therapist.
I share theories of reality to help people to ground into their here and now.
My most recent additions to my platform have been some sneak peeks from my second book,
Life Unedited,
The Power of Radical Acceptance for Couples.
This is one of the later chapters in the book,
And you don't have to have listened to or read anything to glean some information from what will be Chapter 17,
Important Honorable Mentions.
We have learned that nearly all couples come into counseling for communication-related problems in their relationships.
It's interesting to me that we all do so much talking,
Yet have so many problems communicating.
The first step toward improving our communication is to radically accept people at face value,
Including ourselves and our partners.
One big part of radically accepting our person as they are is not-to-date potential.
Date the person in front of us,
Not who we think they should or could become.
Knowing that all communication is a projection of the speaker and not personal to the listener is a game changer.
That alone puts the responsibility of our words on us.
We are accountable for what we say and gives us the chance to have difficult conversations without arguing because it isn't normal to argue.
Disagreeing is appropriate because we will see things from different perspectives based on our life experiences.
Letting go of our need to control is liberating.
We can be proactive in our lives.
That's free will.
The responsibility we have for ourselves is pressure enough.
When we try to control our partner,
We are taking away their sense of autonomy in an attempt to gain a sense of control of ourselves.
When we are trying to control our future,
We are polluting our now with anxiety.
One of the ways we try to control our partner is by having expectations of them.
Using our voice by asking for what we need is imperative in healthy communication and remembering that our words have power,
So choose them with kindness,
Compassion,
Integrity,
And authenticity.
Jealousy is one of those words.
It does not mean we care.
It does mean that we have an insecurity that needs attending to.
Boundaries are an act of self-care and not mean.
No is a complete sentence.
Everyone needs space and even though all relationships don't come with a duplex,
How we give space,
Take space,
Respect space,
And encourage space creates trust in our relationships.
No one needs to prove their worth to themselves or to their partners.
We choose our partners for a reason,
And radically accepting them as they are in each moment eliminates the need to prove worth.
On a similar note.
If you have to fight over and over for the relationship.
Then maybe,
Just maybe.
It is not meant to be.
Putting in effort is part of the journey.
Fighting does not make couples stronger.
A few things that have not been addressed,
Yet are worth honorable mentions,
Are trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding is a special relationship all in itself.
This is when people wear their trauma energy front and center,
Attracting a partner with the same energetic outfit.
It feels like a strong bond initially because they're both stuck in their trauma and seemingly understand one another.
Feeling understood is a big deal in relationships.
What if I were to say no one will really ever understand us?
Would that take some weight off of things?
Our incessant need to be understood.
No one will genuinely understand anyone else because no two people will ever walk the same path.
The best we can hope for is for people around us to relate and empathize with us.
I am not saying this in a negative way,
Just realistic.
Because I hear it all the time in counseling sessions.
They don't understand me.
When we talk through the fact that this is not a realistic ask,
My experience is that people are relieved.
They are more accepting of the empathy from their partners rather than fighting for the understanding.
It's an example of us projecting our need to be understood onto our relationship rather than accepting our need to understand ourselves.
Back to trauma bonding.
Trauma bonds are not sustainable in the long term unless both parties remain stuck in their trauma long term.
And even that looks deeply unhealthy,
Exhausting,
And toxic.
Somehow people think that they can help one another heal from their trauma.
I'm broken and you're broken.
Let's two broken people get together and mend one another.
All this puts undue stress and strain onto a relationship.
Why do we try to heal past traumas in and with?
Our current relationships.
Does that even make sense?
They were not involved in it,
Probably weren't even around for it,
And yet are somehow responsible to heal it.
It feels like a misery desiring company scenario.
Sit with me in my trauma and keep me company while I keep you company in yours.
That perpetuates the cycle of trauma and victimhood.
We are responsible for healing our own stuff,
Whether in a relationship or single.
Our partners and relationships are not responsible for healing us.
Blaming there is a reason for the cliche when we point a finger of blame at another person How many fingers are pointing back at us?
When we blame our partner for something,
We are projecting our self-blame onto them because we are uncomfortable taking responsibility for it ourselves.
Tip for tat.
I currently have a couple who are in this cycle.
It is honestly like listening to a couple of toddlers,
And I've told them so.
He does this,
And when he does it,
It makes me do that.
No,
It doesn't.
He does this,
And you choose to do that.
And here we are in counseling because of it.
So how's it working out?
This really demonstrates two people stuck at a young emotional maturity level of not taking accountability for themselves.
Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing.
Fair means everyone gets what they need.
Let that percolate.
Take responsibility and accountability for yourself.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you don't have anything nice to say,
Then don't say anything.
And if what you say doesn't improve silence,
Then maybe don't talk.
It's not necessary to have a comment,
Comeback,
Opinion,
Or get the last word.
The best way to change an unwanted behavior is to ignore it.
This is Behavioral Therapy 101.
It is acceptable to mention the behavior once or twice.
From then on,
Don't give it any attention or energy.
Doing so only reinforces the behavior.
Gentle reader,
You may have noticed a recurrent theme throughout these writings.
That theme seems to underline all the challenges faced in relationships with others and within ourselves.
The final theory of this is dedicated to explaining our belief that we are not good enough.
And you'll have to wait for another track for that one.
Have a great day.
