Welcome to Life Unedited Sanctuary,
Where reality happens.
I'm Tiffany.
A reality counselor.
This is another sneak listen to a chapter out of my soon-to-be-published book,
Life Unedited,
The Power of Radical Acceptance for Couples.
The title of this chapter is Honorable Mentions and is about some red flag behaviors and reality bombs in relationships.
You don't have to read or have listened to any of the other chapters from the book to follow along and gain valuable insights from these honorable mentions.
We have learned that nearly all couples come into counseling for communication-related problems in their relationships.
It's so interesting to me that we all do so much talking,
Yet have so many problems communicating.
The first step toward improving our communication is to radically accept people at face value,
Including ourselves and our partners.
One big part of radically accepting our person as they are is to not date potential.
Date the person in front of us,
Not who we think they should or could become.
Exploring our attachment styles,
Self-esteem,
And self-created abandonment issues are worthwhile practices of accepting ourselves.
Knowing that all communication is a projection of the speaker and not personal to the listener is a game changer.
That alone puts the responsibility of our words on us.
We are accountable for what we say.
And gives us the chance to have difficult conversations without arguing.
Because it isn't normal to argue.
Disagreeing is appropriate because we all see things from different perspectives based on our life experiences.
Apologies are for the person doing the apologizing and can be a form of manipulation.
Letting go of our need to control is liberating.
We can be productive in our lives,
And that is free will.
The responsibility we have for ourselves is enough pressure.
When we try to control our partner,
We are taking away their autonomy and gaining a sense of control of ourselves.
When we try to control our future,
We are polluting our now with anxiety.
One of the ways we control our partner is by having expectations of them.
Using our voice by asking for what we need is imperative in healthy communication and remembering that our words have power.
So choose them with kindness,
Compassion,
Integrity,
And authenticity.
Jealousy is one of those words.
It does not mean we care.
It does mean that we have an insecurity that needs attending to.
Boundaries are an act of self-care and not mean.
No is a complete sentence.
Everyone needs space,
And even though all relationships don't come with a duplex,
How we give space,
Take space,
Respect space,
And encourage space creates trust in our relationships.
No one needs to prove their worth to themselves or to their partners.
We choose our partners for a reason and radically accepting them as they are in each moment eliminates our need to prove worth.
On a similar note.
If you have to fight over and over for the relationship,
Then maybe it's not meant to be.
Putting in effort is part of the journey.
Fighting does not make couples stronger.
Here are a few things that have not been addressed in formal chapters,
Yet are worth honorable mentions.
Brahma bonding.
Trauma bonding is a special relationship all in itself.
This is when people wear their trauma energy front and center,
Attracting a partner with the same energetic outfit.
It feels like a strong bond initially because they're both stuck in their trauma and seemingly understand one another.
Feeling understood is a big deal in relationships.
What if I were to say,
No one will really ever understand us.
Would that take some weight off of things?
Are incessant need to be understood?
No one will genuinely understand anyone else because no two people will ever walk the same path.
The best we can hope for is for people around us to relate and empathize with us.
I'm not saying this in a negative way,
Just realistic.
Because I hear it all the time in counseling sessions.
They don't understand me.
When we talk through the fact that it is not a realistic ask.
My experience is that people are relieved.
They are more accepting of the empathy from their partners rather than fighting for understanding.
It's an example of us projecting our need to be understood onto our relationship,
Rather than accepting our need to understand ourselves.
Back to trauma bonding.
Trauma bonds are not sustainable in the long term unless both parties remain stuck in their trauma long term.
And even that looks deeply unhealthy,
Exhausting,
And toxic.
Somehow people think that they can help one another heal from their trauma.
I'm broken and you're broken.
Let's two broken people get together and mend one another.
Sidebar.
I don't really believe anyone is really broken.
All of this puts undue stress and strain onto a relationship.
Why do we try to heal past traumas in and with our current relationships?
Does that even make sense?
They were not involved in it,
Not even around for it,
Yet are somehow responsible to heal it.
It feels more like a misery desiring company scenario.
Sit with me in my trauma and keep me company while I keep you company in yours.
That perpetuates the cycle of trauma and victimhood.
We are responsible for healing our own stuff,
Whether in a relationship or single.
Our partners and our relationships are not responsible for healing us.
Blame me.
There is a reason for the cliche,
When we point a finger of blame at another person,
How many fingers are pointing back at us?
When we blame our partner for something,
We are projecting our self-blame onto them because we are uncomfortable taking responsibility ourselves.
It for TAPT.
I currently have a couple who are in this cycle.
It is honestly like listening to a couple of toddlers,
And I've told them so.
He does this,
And when he does it,
It makes me do that.
No,
It doesn't.
He does this,
And you choose to do that.
And here we are in counseling because of it.
So how's that working?
This really demonstrates two people stuck at a young emotional maturity level of not taking accountability for themselves.
Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing.
Fair means everyone gets what they need.
Let that percolate.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Take responsibility and accountability for yourself and your words.
If you don't have anything nice to say,
Then don't say anything.
And if what you say doesn't improve silence,
Then maybe don't talk.
It is not necessary to have a comment,
Comeback,
Opinion,
Or get the last word.
The best way to change an unwanted behavior is to ignore it.
This is Behavioral Therapy 101.
It is acceptable to mention the behavior once or twice.
From then on,
Don't give it any attention or energy.
Doing so only reinforces the behavior.
Baggage from past relationships.
How much stuff do we carry from one relationship into the next?
We were hurt or traumatized by a past partner.
Write a story around not being able to trust because of that,
And then we pack that into a metaphorical suitcase to carry straight into the next relationship.
Is that an even playing field to begin a new partnership?
Things happen in relationships.
If those things have hurt or damaged us,
Then it is up to us to work through that before entering into another dating situation.
A new partner is not responsible for the actions of a previous one,
And we don't have a right to use the past with someone else as a measure or judgment against a current someone.
We can learn a lot about a person based on how they treat their pets,
Their parents,
And their exes.
That sentence is a mouthful for sure,
And it is telling,
And it is laden with possible red flag behaviors.
It is also absolutely true.
Yet how many times have we overlooked those red flags because they came with a really good explanation?
Or we deluded ourselves into thinking,
They would never do that to me.
Do you and your partner align on how you treat your pets?
Are they family members or just animals?
When your partner is upset,
Do they take it out on their pet?
Is their pet warm,
Loving,
And playful?
Or skittish,
Standoffish,
Or untrusting.
Observing how people interact with their pets says a lot about how they take their emotions out on those around them.
Similarly with how a partner treats their parents.
Are they loving,
Respectful,
And kind?
Or are they mean,
Disrespectful,
And rude?
They learn those behaviors somewhere,
And just because they might not demonstrate them in the beginning stages of a relationship does not mean that those behaviors won't come out later.
Do they blame their parents or their upbringing for their negative behaviors,
Or do they take accountability for their own choices?
This speaks volumes about how they will show up in their own relationships,
Which also ties into how people treat their exes.
I know many relationships end badly.
My theory on that is that it is easier to walk away from a relationship when we are mad,
Because sometimes our anger fuels us to make the difficult decisions.
Decision to leave.
It is also seemingly easier to blame the other person for that mad so that we don't have to take accountability for our own part.
Even if we walk away angry,
That does not mean we have to hold on to it.
We can take time in between the ending of one relationship before beginning another to work through all feelings associated with the breakup so that we are the best,
Most authentic version of ourselves moving forward.
All that said,
When a person has a history of angry,
Bad endings and blames their previous partners,
That is a pattern.
Patterns from which the person has yet to learn.
It is a colossal example of projecting their own blame and not taking accountability.
This is often where I,
As a counselor,
Hear people say,
Well,
I'm not like that person,
So they won't do that to me.
Until they do.
Remember,
When the finger is pointing at someone else,
How many are pointing back?
And finally.
Relationships Don't Fail.
They end because they are done.
No relationship comes with a timeline and the end of one is an opening for whatever is to come next.
