A day before my first silent meditation retreat,
I found out that my grandmother had passed away back home in El Salvador.
And even though I wanted to be there and fly out with my family,
I decided that the best place for me to be was with myself in silence.
So I went on this retreat and if you know anything about Vipassana or silent meditation retreats,
You know that during the day we meditate,
We are in groups together and then in the evening there are lectures.
This one night,
The lecture was.
Emotions are just groups of sensations.
And I was like,
What?
No,
What are you talking about?
Emotions have all this information and I've spent all of this time understanding my emotions and feeling them and really going into them.
And here I have this leader telling me that emotions are simply groups of sensations.
They're just things that come and go.
So I sat with it a little reluctant at first and the next morning at breakfast.
This thought came to me because nobody's allowed to sit in front of each other so we're all facing one window and I started to think about my grandmother.
About the way that I would never be in her home again,
That I wouldn't hug her anymore or hear her voice and hear her tell me jokes.
And I started to feel all my sadness.
One realization came in.
My grandmother is now my ancestor.
And I couldn't shake that off.
I hurried to finish my breakfast.
I grabbed a stack of napkins and I decided to go and feel my grief and feel my pain.
Over by this beautiful babbling brook so as i'm walking there you know i'm like i'm beginning to feel this charge of like all this sadness all these things that i'm feeling and in the background all i hear is like And I was like,
Okay,
I'm ignoring it.
This was like peak winter here in Ontario.
So I'm,
You know,
Making my path through the snow.
I finally get to this bench and I sit down to what was supposed to be my moment of like deep sadness and grief where I will just like think of all the memories of my grandmother.
And when I looked down,
I realized that my tea had spilled all over my jacket and all over my bag.
So I quickly hurried to take everything,
All the contents out of my bag.
The stack of napkins that was supposed to be for my tears was just wiping everything down.
And I'm now in shock.
I'm not scared,
But I'm frustrated and just feeling all these things.
I wipe everything down.
I finally settled and the moment had passed.
I was no longer sad.
I wasn't in this feeling.
I was actually more distressed.
So I try to get it back,
I try to feel it again,
And it just wasn't coming.
So I decided,
Okay,
I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna meditate in my room.
And on my way back,
I start to see little drops of tea,
The glue glue glue glue was actually my tea just spilling into onto the snow.
And there was just a moment of amusement,
You know,
Picturing myself from the outside,
Walking there having all these feelings and just leaving a trail of tea behind.
And the teacher's message came to me in that moment.
Emotions.
Are just groups of sensations.
So in one moment,
You know,
And they're passing in one moment,
I'm having all of these feelings of sadness in my face and my chest and my whole body.
And then I am surprised and almost like in shock.
And then the next thing I am amused and almost laughing at myself.
And this lesson has really stayed with me because it was the difference of me being consumed by my emotions,
Me being consumed by my feelings.
And having a bit more agency to be able to come out and observe observe what's happening when you notice your emotions you are in a box you're in the sadness box or in the joy box but when you notice the sensations.
You start to create a little bit of space between you and the person experiencing it.
OK,
What does sadness feel like?
What does it feel like in my chest?
What does it feel like in my mouth?
What does it feel like here?
And when you have that separation,
When you can observe what's happening,
You can make better choices.
You can live your life in a very different way where you're not being pulled by these emotions or by these things and you can have a bit more agency over the decisions that you make.
And simply living your life.
So that's a story that I wanted to share.
I appreciate you sitting with me for a few minutes,
And I hope to see you at the next practice.