How to Move On From Someone Love

So in today's video,

I'm talking about how to move on from someone you love and enjoy life again.

But if you're new,

My name is Michelle Ferris,

I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work.

So today I'm going to help you move forward in your life after a breakup because a lot of us don't know how to do that in a healthy way.

So the first thing you need to do is you need to grieve the loss because when a relationship ends,

There's loss,

There's grief and there's no shortcut for that.

You just have to go through the process.

But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your life along the way and that's what I'm going to show you how to do.

But if you're saying to me,

Oh my God,

I don't want to feel the pain anymore,

I want to move past it.

If you still have pain,

Then that needs to come up and out.

So I'm going to give you a little mini challenge.

I want you to set a timer for 10 minutes a day and let yourself feel the loss of that relationship because what you're going to notice a lot of times when I have clients do this is they realize,

Oh my gosh,

You know what,

I had a good cry for 10 minutes and then I felt better.

Then they could move on with their day and that's what I want for you because when we hold on to that grief,

That takes a lot of energy and it actually creates a lot of anxiety throughout your day and I don't want that for you.

So set a timer and just give yourself 10 minutes a day to feel the feelings because I also don't want you to stay stuck in those feelings because you still need to be able to function but it's really important to let yourself feel it because when you don't,

It'll show up in destructive ways like overworking,

Relying too much on food and substances to escape the pain or getting involved in a relationship too quickly because you can't tolerate being alone.

All of these are very common ways people cope when there's a breakup but they're not necessarily the healthiest and if your goal is to create a healthy,

Loving,

Lasting relationship,

You need to go through the process so that you can come out better on the other side.

Now the next thing I want you to do when you're trying to move on from someone you love,

Challenge those negative thoughts that keep you stuck in it.

So if you're telling yourself things like nobody else is going to love me,

I'm not good enough,

This is the only person I'm meant to be with,

Those are thoughts that are going to keep you stuck in that relationship and my guess is that if this relationship isn't good for you anyway,

Then those thoughts are just going to keep you in it and I don't want that for you.

I want you to be able to look at those negative thoughts,

Those false statements that you're telling yourself and challenge them as being untrue because when we're in pain,

We tend to believe the worst but that doesn't make it true because after a breakup,

These thoughts can get really loud because you're lonely,

You're in pain and we tend to think the worst.

Things like nobody's going to want me or I'll never find anyone else,

I'm too fat,

I'm not pretty enough,

You might start beating yourself up and looking at all your flaws.

Those thoughts are meant to grab your attention,

That's why they're so intense but that doesn't make them true.

A lot of times our negative self-talk traces back to family where those messages are really old and outdated and they're not true about who you are.

So part of moving on from someone that you love is to start correcting those negative self-talk messages that keep you stuck in that relationship because part of having healthy relationships is building up your self-esteem so you feel deserving of one and you can see your good qualities and stand by them and say,

You know what,

I am a good person,

Somebody else is going to want me because I'm kind or I'm generous or I'm funny,

Whatever those traits are,

You need to start allowing those to be true about you.

That's not arrogance,

That's self-esteem to say I'm no better,

No less than but I am unique and I do have gifts.

That's what I want for you is to start recognizing your gifts because that's how you build self-esteem and heal from a breakup.

My guess is that you're telling yourself a big fat lie thinking that you're going to be able to manipulate and change that relationship and make it healthy all by yourself isn't necessarily going to work well in the long run.

If you want a healthy loving relationship,

You have to be willing to let go of the one you're in and to be honest with yourself about the state of that relationship because if you know in your gut,

Yes,

This relationship was toxic or it was unhealthy or they weren't kind to you,

I want you to own that and be truthful about that because that truth is going to propel you to move forward and pick better the next time especially if you're doing what I'm talking about in this video so that you can truly heal and move on from someone that you love because otherwise,

You stay in toxic one-sided relationships and I know you don't want that.

So the next thing I want you to do is get more support.

Family and friends are great but when we're trying to move forward from someone we love or we've had a breakup,

We need more concentrated support and you'll know it because you'll feel like you're emotionally starved or the family and friends are great but they don't really understand you or you feel alone even after you share with them or that you're just not coping well and it's been several months.

That's a sign that you probably need to consider getting some counseling or doing group support.

I always recommend 12-step programs like Al-Anon or CODA or Adult Children of Alcoholics because they provide free mentors and meetings online and in person to start looking at our relationship patterns that we learned growing up and how we can start to transform them in adulthood because that type of support is invaluable when we're going through a breakup and trying to move forward.

I know I've had clients who I've suggested 12-step programs to and they resist for several months and then when they finally go,

They'll tell me,

Oh my god,

Michelle,

I felt at home.

I had no idea there was this much support out there for free.

That's what I want for you is for you to feel like you have a village to help support you through this process because going through a breakup and trying to move on from someone you love is not an easy task and often we need more help than what we typically need and that's okay.

That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

That just means that you need more focused support.

Now you might also consider counseling if you notice that you're really not functioning well or you're starting to develop really destructive habits like self-harm or addictive behaviors or you're socially isolating or you feel really,

Really depressed to the point where you're not functioning very well.

Those are all signs that professional counseling is not only recommended but necessary in your healing process.

So the next thing I want you to do is rebuild your life around you.

So many people put their relationship as the primary center of their happiness,

Their well-being,

Their schedule and that's not necessarily healthy.

Even when you're married,

You always want other forms of support and activity so that you can preserve your emotional dependence because rebuilding your life around you is where things start to shift for the positive because what I want you to do is I want you to connect with what brings you joy.

I want you to make a list right now of 10 things that bring you joy whether it's pets,

Hobbies,

Travel,

Going to the beach,

Walking in nature,

Taking a class.

What things could bring you joy that you could start pursuing right now?

I've worked on this with some clients and one lady took a painting class and realized you know at first just gave her something to do and then it became a passion and it really fed her soul in a way that nothing else did.

That's what I want for you is for you to find joyful activities that feed your soul.

Maybe it's volunteer work.

Maybe it's discovering certain gifts that you have that you've never let yourself really explore because when you're trying to move on from someone you love,

You have to replace that joy and the more you can take ownership of your joy,

The more the next relationship is actually going to benefit from that because you're not going to look to that next relationship for all of your joy.

You're going to look at them and say,

Yeah,

You know what?

They might make my life better but you control your joy.

That's what I want for you.

So the next thing I want you to do when you're moving on from someone you love is I want you to create a healthy ritual when the grief hits.

So this could be curling up with a blanket,

Your favorite drink,

Watching your favorite movie,

Something solitary that you can do to calm yourself and to comfort yourself because when we don't have healthy comforts,

We'll go for the unhealthy ones like substances.

We'll sit in front of the TV and eat tons of junk food and fill ourselves to the brim until we feel sick.

I don't want you to do that.

It's important to notice like what are those healthy comforts for you?

Would you want to start knitting in front of the TV or taking a walk or maybe you go get a pet because that is going to give you another form of connection that can help you feel less alone.

All of these ideas I want you to consider because when you start creating healthy comforts,

You start feeling in control of the healing process because you know how to take care of yourself and that also is when things start to begin to shift for the positive.

Thanks so much for watching.