Hi,
This is Teresa Conte.
Thank you so much for joining me today.
Today I'd like to share the third tool in the Just for Today series.
But first a little preface in case you're listening to the series for the first time.
The quotes I'm going to share and that I've shared in the first two Just for Today tracks including Live Through This Day Only and Deciding to Be Happy come from a bookmark called Just for Today from Al-Anon,
Which is a 12-step program for parents,
Friends,
Colleagues,
And others who know someone who is suffering or perhaps has suffered from the dis-ease of alcoholism.
But the quotes and perhaps the comments that I share afterwards are not just meant for family members,
Friends,
Colleagues,
And others who know someone who's suffering from alcoholism,
But they are pieces of wisdom that I think we can all benefit,
Learn,
And grow by.
I hope you find them helpful.
Today's quote reads,
Just for Today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my luck as it comes and fit myself to it.
Now to be honest when I first read the quote many years ago,
And I still have a little bugaboo about it,
I didn't like it very much because my interpretation of it and the feeling that I got was that it was asking me to be a victim,
To take my luck as it comes and fit myself to it.
And that just wasn't gonna fly with me.
I thought,
Well what about my sense of empowerment?
My free will?
What about what's important to me?
What about my welfare and well-being?
Maybe you've had some of the same reactions as you listen to the quote,
But I have delved a little deeper and I invite you to come along with me as I share some of my thoughts and reflections since reading the quote the first time.
First of all,
The quote makes me think about acceptance and how easy it is to fight against what is.
While I have the power to make changes,
As we all do,
There are things that we are powerless over,
Like people,
Places,
And things.
My ego doesn't like that.
I don't know about yours.
For instance,
In reference to the Al-Anon program,
If that's something you're not familiar with,
One of the tenets is we don't have control or power over someone else's drinking and we may exhaust ourselves trying to get that person to change.
Trying to get someone to change,
However,
Can apply to anything and anyone in our lives we want to be different.
For instance,
I have a neighbor who lives above me who moves their furniture generally between 530 and 630 in the morning.
Their room is right above my bedroom and the noise wakes me up.
I've tried talking with them twice but to no avail,
So I've come to accept that this is a behavior I'm powerless over.
I cannot personally control what they do,
When they do it,
Or how cooperative they want to be.
However,
In acknowledging my powerlessness over that situation,
I can now explore possibilities to get my needs met,
Such as checking to see if the condo has bylaws about noise restrictions in the building and then reach out to the administrator if they do.
I can also contact my neighbor's apartment owner whose contact information I now have,
Thanks to another neighbor,
To see if they can help out and intervene in some way.
I don't know how any of these options will work,
But my acceptance has opened the door to explore these possibilities,
And if they don't work,
I can go back to the drawing board.
Trying to control others can be related to so many things,
Like trying to get a spouse to change a habit or behavior or to think or dress in a certain way,
So we can think about acceptance and powerlessness in a very large context and in a way it helps us be free.
Let's get back to alcoholism for a moment.
Parents and other loved ones may organize an intervention,
For instance,
Which could be successful and get the person who's suffering from substance abuse to see how their behavior is affecting their health,
Their relationships,
Their finances,
Their job,
As well as how they're drinking or substance abuse is affecting our relationship and that of our children if we have them.
But the reality is that in the end,
The choice and their desire to get help is completely up to them.
Now to shift gears a little bit,
If we're parenting a very young child,
We have some ability to control a few of these things,
Like maybe what they wear or what we cook for them,
What they eat,
And we have some ability to influence their behaviors and values,
But in the end,
Particularly as our kids grow into teenagers and beyond,
We don't know who they may be hanging out with,
What they may be eating or doing,
Or who may be influencing them when they're not in our company.
I say this not to scare you,
But for my own experience as I reflect back on my own teenage years and then had the consequences of my behavior,
Which helped me to learn.
When we're dealing with adult relationships,
Unless we come to some agreement or a win-win situation with someone about whatever situation we'd like to change,
We are powerless over them,
But we do have power within ourselves.
Whatever the situation is,
We have choices and they start with acceptance.
If we're trying to control someone else's behaviors,
Thoughts,
And patterns and it's not working,
And most of the time in my experience it's not,
We suffer.
For instance,
We may experience tension,
Stress,
Obsessive thinking,
And problem sleeping,
As well as experience other physical symptoms,
And the people we're trying to control also suffer.
I learned a lot about this,
As you may know or maybe not,
That my son passed from an overdose last year and while I did everything I felt I could over the years,
I didn't really accept the situation for what it was.
I wanted him to change and that reflected on our relationship,
Even though I tried my best to be there and we loved each other dearly.
I wanted him to get proper health care,
I wanted him to eat well,
I wanted him to go into an alcohol treatment program,
And generally to be happy.
But that was not in the realm of possibilities because I was powerless over him.
I'm grateful that during the last few years of my son's life that I was reworking the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program with a sponsor and as a result I began to change and came to recognize that my job wasn't to try and change my son,
But to love him.
And that I had choices I could make to take care of myself and that's true whether it was in the relationship with my son or anyone else.
For instance,
Back to the part of the quote that I will take my luck as it comes and fit myself to it,
That's the part I really had and still have a hard time with to be honest because I believe that we have the power to make choices no matter who we are in relationship with or what the situation is.
We can set boundaries and we can do whatever it is we need to do to care for and honor ourselves.
I've come to believe that the people who are greatest challenges are also our greatest teachers.
However,
Once again we don't have to fit ourselves into someone else's harmful or hurtful behavior no matter who they are,
A loved one or a stranger.
We can detach from their behavior without holding them out of our hearts and rather than trying to force a solution or force ourselves into one that may not be healthy for us,
We can accept what is in front of us,
Accept the situation rather than denying it,
Pushing it away or trying to make it different.
We must trust our inner guidance to call on our spiritual guides and support systems and know we have choices.
And then once we come to that place of acceptance we can respond rather than react,
Whether it's related to a personal or work-related relationship,
A group we belong to or anything else really.
We can accept the reality of what's happening and then decide to be on our own side and follow our inner guidance and do the next right thing.
How do we know what the next right thing is if we're suffering and confused?
One way to know what the next right thing is is by following how it feels in our body.
For instance,
Does the action you're going to take make you feel tense and contract you or does it feel light,
Certain and right?
While many things are out of our control,
We can follow what our inner guidance is showing us.
And this reminds me of a 12-step prayer.
I'll share the original version with you and then I'll share a little adaptation which I find very helpful.
The original version goes like this,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
And now for my adaptation,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage,
Resources,
And support to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
For me,
My paralyze in knowing that I can move forward,
That the resources and support I need are and will be provided as I open to spiritual guidance and the wisdom that resides within me,
Which is the wisdom that resides within us all.
I hope you found today's tool helpful.
If there were things that you resonate with and others that you didn't relate to,
That's perfectly okay.
One of the sayings I really like in Al-Anon is,
Take what you like and leave the rest.
And perhaps the rest may make more sense at a later time,
Just as it has for me.
I'd love to hear about your experience.
Please leave a review and a comment and let me know how today's tool spoke to you,
And if there are particular aspects of today's talk that you found most helpful.
Thank you so very much.
Hope to see you next time,
And wishing you a most wonderful day.
