Hey there.
Take a deep breath in,
And let it all go.
One more time,
Breathe in,
Feel your body expand,
And exhale,
Surrender,
And let go.
Six years ago,
My life broke.
I thought I was as healthy as could be,
But then I got diagnosed with breast cancer.
I had to undergo chemo and radiation.
I also thought I had a happy marriage,
And just as I was healing from all my treatments,
I was asked for a divorce I didn't want.
Everything,
Body,
Mind,
And spirit,
Felt like it had been shattered into a million shards,
And I was so exhausted,
And afraid,
And grief-stricken,
That I had no idea how I was going to go about gathering everything up and putting myself back together.
So I started to write mini-meditations to myself,
Telling myself the things I so desperately needed to hear.
And for some reason,
I started to record them.
I think it was so I could hear my own voice saying these things aloud,
Because one of the things that happened during this darkest of times was I had completely lost my voice.
It was frozen deep inside,
And I was afraid to let it out.
Well someone told me a closet is where the best sound is,
So that's where I sat to record these meditations.
And someone else told me you should post them on Insight Timer,
Because other people might want to hear them too.
And I did.
So began my journey in this space,
Where people from all over the world have supported me,
As we all did the hard work of being human,
And healing,
And repair.
What a gift this has been for me in so many unexpected ways.
I share all this because it has me thinking about anniversaries,
Because I've been recording these meditations for five years,
So this is my five-year anniversary this month.
And I've been thinking how some anniversaries are amazing,
Like how I've been cancer-free for six years,
Thank all that is holy.
And how my son and his wife just celebrated their five-year wedding anniversary.
To see a child out in the world,
Living in love,
Doesn't get much better than that.
But as we know,
Not all anniversaries are easy.
In fact,
Some rip open the wounds,
And the pain can be as piercing and overwhelming as when it was happening to us the first time.
And when that happens,
We can make choices.
We can stir things up,
We can add salt to the wounds.
Or what if we sit and breathe?
Like so many things,
Anniversaries offer us a chance to choose our next step.
So one of the things I've been doing when I face these anniversaries is to choose to approach them mindfully,
Intentionally.
Anniversaries have power,
Period.
That's why we celebrate them.
We know it's important to mark the passage of time.
And if we know that about good anniversaries,
That they are something to celebrate,
Can't we be assured that it's important to acknowledge the power of tough anniversaries too?
So when a tough anniversary approaches,
Then we can choose to put things in place that will support us,
Especially if we suspect the grief and the pain are going to come crashing in.
Whether it is a beautiful anniversary or a tough one,
Take care of you.
And others who will be there for you.
And if it just so happens to be a tough one,
Know that sometimes grief,
It's actually a good thing.
It means you loved.
It means you tried.
You connected.
You risked.
And bravo,
Dear human,
Bravo.
Because it's tough to put ourselves out there because so much can go wrong.
And yet we know we are here to live and love and see what happens next.
So we can choose to be with these anniversaries and get curious.
Where are we now?
How far have we traveled?
What can I celebrate,
Even in the hardest of anniversaries?
Can you be on your own side and say,
Look at you,
Look at how far you've come.
Look at what you made it through.
What powers and gifts and skills and friends have you gathered along the way?
There's one more question we might consider asking.
What burdens might we finally put down and walk away from?
What if we say,
Enough,
It is finished.
Whatever anniversaries you are facing,
The good,
The bad,
Even the ugly,
May you choose to be on your own side,
Naming how hard some of them can be,
Finding ways and people to take care of you.
And if they are good anniversaries,
Like this one of mine,
Of five years in this space,
May you celebrate the hell out of them and say thank you,
Thank you to everything and everyone who made it possible.
Live light and shine.
