Hi,
This is Dr.
Tracy Moreno and this educational talk is about death and dying.
Death is probably the single most difficult thing we will experience in life.
As humans,
We're fascinated by it,
Yet we also fear it.
We make life decisions because of it.
We pray for it not to come or maybe we pray that it comes quickly.
We search out our beliefs about it.
We're kind of obsessed with it.
All this for something we know that for 100% certainty is going to happen to every single one of us at some point.
On a rational,
Logical level,
This makes no sense whatsoever.
But given that we will all die at some point and experience the death of others,
Wouldn't you think we would be able to handle it better?
Unfortunately,
This just isn't the case.
Instead,
Death causes us anxiety,
Depression,
Heartbreak.
When someone we love dies,
It changes our life forever.
Sometimes,
We're just never the same person again.
Then the question becomes,
How should we handle the death of a loved one?
Well,
There's no wrong or right way to grieve and there definitely isn't a time limit.
But there are a few rules that you can follow.
Number one is don't ignore the pain.
Number two is maintain your own awareness.
Number three is to stay true to your belief system.
So let's go back through these three rules and dig a little deeper.
Rule number one,
Don't ignore the pain.
I'm sure most of us are familiar with the different stages that we can go through in times of grief.
By speaking,
They are denial,
Anger,
Depression,
Bargaining,
And acceptance.
Again,
This is a very general and broad way to describe our experience when someone dies.
But in my experience in treating bereavement,
These stages are pretty accurate.
Sometimes we feel like we're about to lose our minds because we can go back and forth between these stages so quickly,
Within minutes even.
But know that this is normal.
All rational thinking goes out the window,
Which leads us down this never-ending corn maze of grieving.
This is why rule number one is so important.
We can't ignore the pain.
If we do,
It's just going to lengthen the grieving process.
If we can be strong and courageous enough to allow ourselves to feel what we feel when we feel it,
Then we can move through the process much quicker.
Well,
Quicker,
Of course,
Being a relative term.
So instead of your grieving lasting 10 years,
Maybe it'll last you two.
This brings up another good point.
When we lose someone close to us,
It can easily take a minimum of one year for us to heal.
This is mostly because of all the firsts that happened throughout that first year.
Your first holiday,
Special occasion,
Special time of year that was important to you and the person who passed brings to the surface more pain and the grieving process can sometimes start all over again.
From Halloween to New Year's Day,
It's pretty much torture.
Then we finally start to heal a little bit and then wham,
Here comes Mother's Day,
Father's Day,
Their birthday,
And it feels like we lost them all over again.
For someone that stays in denial and ignores their pain on a surface conscious level,
It never goes away because we're never able to work through it.
Just below the surface,
That pain stays there,
Strangling us and ready to lash out at any moment.
We lose friendships because no one can stand being around the negative angry person we've become.
It could be because we're calling in work sick so many times that we're about to lose our job.
It could be because we're constantly arguing with our spouse to the point they're considering divorce.
And this isn't even shortly after a loved one dies.
This could be 10,
20 years later.
That pain will stay there.
It chokes us every minute of every day until we stop and face it.
I've had clients for 20 years later.
You'd think the death just happened last week or a couple days ago because based on how devastated they are talking about it,
You just wouldn't believe it.
The pain is real,
But so is the projection,
Which leads us to rule number two,
Maintain your own awareness.
Projection is a psychological term that refers to an unconscious self-defense mechanism characterized by a person unconsciously attributing their own issues onto someone or something else as a form of delusion or denial.
The person grieving is upset or sad about what they may appear to be upset or sad about on the surface,
But the emotions go much deeper than that.
So deep,
In fact,
The grieving person may not even know they're lashing out because of their grieving.
An example of this would be arguing with a spouse for not calling you back after you've been trying to reach them and telling them they're being rude and disrespectful.
When in reality,
You were worried about them and fearful that something bad may happen to them when you couldn't get in contact with them in a reasonable amount of time,
Which is of course linked to the death and grieving of the lost loved one.
You're basically worried and fearful that the person you love can die at any moment.
Another example of projection is getting mad at a friend or making plans with you and canceling at the last minute,
Which in reality,
You were the one that didn't want to get together and was about to cancel yourself,
But you didn't think you'd be that much fun to be around because of your grieving.
The important part about projection is that it's an unconscious process.
We're unaware that we're even doing it.
If we don't even understand what's going on with us,
How can we understand,
How can others understand us?
Too much projection can lead to us feeling and appearing unstable,
Which can also lead to losing important relationships and friendships.
To prevent this,
We must maintain our own awareness.
We must check ourselves continually each day.
Check in with your mind.
Ask yourself how you're feeling.
What are you feeling?
And then wait and listen and just feel.
If you're unable to identify what you're feeling,
Then check in with your body.
Our body can sometimes tell us more than our brain.
Are your muscles tense,
Not able to fall asleep,
Breathing shallow,
Hands trembling,
Heart rate fast?
If these things aren't normal,
Then these could be signs that something's wrong,
Either mentally or physically.
Don't ignore this.
If you're feeling sad,
Anxious,
Or angry,
That's okay.
Just know that you're going to be interacting with the world differently because of what you're feeling.
You're going to be a little,
Or maybe a lot,
Less patient,
Less tolerant,
Less kind,
Which means you should keep life as simple as possible so you don't overload yourself and snap on someone inappropriately,
Or project.
Only do and participate in activities that you absolutely have to,
And don't commit yourself to other projects.
Now this doesn't give you a reason to isolate yourself.
If you usually have a Sunday family dinner,
Then keep doing it,
But don't promise to do the dinner and throw a birthday party for a friend and bake three dozen cupcakes for your child's class.
If you have,
Say,
10 things on your to-do list,
Go through each item and ask yourself what without a doubt has to be done today,
And what can be done at a later time without having any major consequences.
We've got to have enough caring and compassion for ourselves to understand that we're grieving,
And that doesn't mean that it goes on as life is normal,
Or life as usual,
As if we didn't just lose an important person in our life.
During this time,
We need to move slower,
Think before we speak,
And in general,
Just give ourselves time.
We have to figure out a new way to function in the world without this person,
Which is daunting and can be extremely painful.
This is where our faith and our belief system can literally save our lives if we let it.
Rule number three,
Stay true to your belief system.
Doing this can help you through the grief process.
We can all say we believe in certain things.
I personally,
I believe in God.
I believe in reincarnation.
I believe that our spirit is sent to earth to learn certain lessons for our souls to evolve.
I believe that our loved ones who have died remain with us spiritually.
I believe that we'll see our loved ones again when we pass on.
But ask yourself what you believe about death.
Take the time to really think about this,
Because if this is what you believe,
If your beliefs are similar to mine,
Then what you truly believe,
There's no reason for death to be so devastating to us.
I know this doesn't mean we still won't go through a difficult time after a loved one dies,
But we could be less sad about it.
If these are your beliefs,
Then the only part that is painful is not having the person here with us in the physical world anymore.
We must continually and as often as necessary remind ourselves of what we believe and allow it to provide us with some peace and acceptance.
Remind yourself they are home.
They are at peace.
They are still with us.
They're watching over us.
They can still see our successes and our failures.
Death is a part of life,
And I will see them soon.
Grieving the loss of a loved one is always extremely difficult,
But if we don't ignore the pain,
Maintain our own awareness,
And stay true to our belief system,
We can encourage our healing and peace.
Please keep an eye out for upcoming educational talks where I'll be going deeper into the stages of grief.
Thank you.
Blessings to you and your departed loved ones.
