Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Bestselling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.
Today we're going to be talking about how narcissists view their intimate partners in relationships.
Narcissistic relationships are built on one partner's need for admiration,
Their need to stay in control,
Their sense of superiority,
An inflated sense of importance,
A lack of empathy for their partner's feelings.
They are generally highly sensitive to criticism.
They are disinterested in playing fairly.
There is a focus on getting the narcissist's needs met.
There's generally aggressive behavior and or language.
And narcissists resist feedback on how their behavior and their language affects other people.
Narcissists generally care about you only when you are fulfilling their needs.
How you're feeling and what you need is of little concern to someone who is a narcissist.
If you've ever loved a narcissist,
One of the things that you realized was that in the beginning,
The relationship was awesome.
You felt like you were caught up in a fairy tale.
Oftentimes narcissists are very quick to commit.
They are there to convince you that they will be with you forever.
You will feel like you are the center of their world and they will fast track you.
This is their way of gaining your trust early.
In the beginning,
You'll find the narcissist incredibly likable.
They are there.
They are boosting you up.
They are mirroring what you like.
If you like puppies,
They like puppies too.
If you're a vegan,
They're suddenly a vegan.
If they're not a vegan,
They're willing to learn.
Whatever it is that you enjoy doing,
A narcissist is likely to mirror what it is that you like.
This is their attempt to get you to trust them.
In time,
However,
What you will notice is that you will like them less and less and less.
It may creep up on you,
But upon reflection,
If you've ever been in a relationship with the narcissist,
One of the things that you'll notice is that you didn't want to spend time with them eventually.
You found them abrasive.
You found them aggressive.
You were embarrassed by the comments that would come out of their mouth.
You found them unpredictable.
You found them unable to hear any negative feedback.
You found them to go off.
You found them to seek attention.
You found them to be highly emotional and unpredictable.
So in time,
You will discover that you were the person that preferred to not spend time with this person who originally swept you off your feet.
If you've fallen in love with the grandiose narcissist,
Then there was an obvious sense that they felt superior,
A sense of dominance,
Maybe even aggression.
They may have spoken very highly of themselves openly.
They may have put other people down openly.
These are some of the traits that you will have noticed if you fell in love with a grandiose narcissist.
A covert vulnerable narcissist will appear to be much more sensitive.
They will swing between feelings of superiority and inferiority.
They tend to be highly jealous.
They can be very distrusting and accuse you of things that you are not guilty of.
They can be highly demanding,
Super sensitive to criticism,
And they demand to know what their partners think of them,
Even their friends.
So if you're a friend with a narcissist as someone who's going to want to know that you think they're awesome.
Over time,
What you'll notice is that the narcissist seems to be frustrated by you.
So in the beginning,
They were so happy to be with you,
But over time now,
They're letting you know that they're annoyed by you.
They're frustrated by you.
They're just really ticked off by the fact that you don't think like them.
You will feel picked on and you will wonder where did this person go?
How did I end up in this relationship with someone who seems to be so annoyed by me?
Your needs will be completely devalued by a narcissist.
You will be mocked.
You will be made fun of.
You will be ignored.
You will be gaslit.
You will be projected upon.
And what's really interesting is that,
Well,
One of the things that's super interesting is that when you're in a relationship with a narcissist,
You're annoyed by them.
And oftentimes you keep it to yourself because they program you to fear a negative outcome.
So God forbid you told them what you really thought about them.
However,
On the flip side of that,
You feel whether or not you ever verbalize it,
But you get the feeling that this other person senses that they can say whatever they want to you.
It could be so cutting.
It could be so deep.
It could be so abusive.
And you'll get the sense that they can speak to you that way,
But you could never speak to them that way because their reactions to anything that you say about them that is negative is so over the top.
So you will feel like the relationship is very unfair and unbalanced.
So here's six ways that narcissists view their intimate partners.
Number one,
A narcissist will see their partners as extensions of themselves.
People exist in a narcissist's life to hold up this mirror that reflects back to them the play or the narrative that the narcissist needs to hold onto to maintain a sense of control.
So even if the narcissist is very fragile or the ego is actually very fragile,
That's not the narrative that they present to the world.
And that's not the narrative they want you to present to them.
So your job will be to present to the narcissist the narrative the narcissist wants to believe,
Which is that they are superior,
That their feelings matter more than your feelings do,
And that they have the right to exploit other people.
Number two,
A narcissist really does believe that their partners should cater to them,
Cater to their feelings,
Cater to their thoughts,
Cater to their beliefs,
And really treat them as if they are right,
Which means that a narcissist does expect their partner to admit fault,
Even if they're not at fault.
If you're in a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits,
You will feel like your words have been twisted.
You will feel like no matter what you do,
It's wrong.
And you will oftentimes just admit to wrongdoing just to get the narcissist to leave you alone.
Number three,
Narcissists do expect undying loyalty.
They will expect you to drop friends for them.
They will expect you to include them on everything.
You go for a cup of coffee with a friend,
They are upset that you didn't think about them.
They are upset that you didn't include them.
Narcissists will make you feel like you've done something wrong.
If you try to spend time alone,
A narcissist will feel like you're being disloyal,
Even for disagreeing with them.
And so expect that if you're in a relationship with a narcissist,
Everything that you do will be under speculation.
You will be judged and your loyalty for them will be called into question unnecessarily.
Number four,
Narcissists expect you to be with them at all times.
Narcissists are often very jealous.
They don't like that there are other people in your life that you think are important.
Narcissists will isolate you from family.
They will isolate you from your friends.
This is their attempt to maintain control and dominance over you.
Number five,
Narcissists are very demanding.
They are emotionally exhausting.
If you're in a relationship with a narcissist,
You might feel like it's your responsibility to sustain them,
That it's your responsibility to tell them what they need to hear.
It's your responsibility to be almost like a life source to them.
You will feel like a narcissist is an energy vampire.
A narcissist will require a ton of attention from you,
Emotional attention,
Adoration.
If a narcissist is feeling insecure,
If they've had a bad day at the office,
They will expect you to sue them.
They will expect you to agree with them.
You will never be allowed to disagree with a narcissist.
Number six,
If a narcissist feels that you are not giving them the attention that they require or that they deserve,
And that really is the way they see it,
A narcissist believes wholeheartedly that they deserve your attention.
And it's really mind bending because it's difficult to imagine that you can be in a relationship with a partner that you perhaps love and have fallen in love with,
Especially if you have high empathy.
You might be someone who understands where the narcissist pain is coming from,
But that makes it dangerous for you because you're not able to differentiate sometimes your feelings from their feelings.
And so your desire to help them or to heal them will really get in the way of you being able to feel your own feelings and to set boundaries.
And a narcissist in a relationship is someone who,
If you do not treat them the way they want to be treated,
They feel within their right to be emotionally and verbally abusive.
They feel like they have the right to dominate you in that way.
This is their attempt to maintain or get back into emotional balance because your lack of attention to them or their perceived slight of you.
Remember,
Oftentimes you're not sliding the narcissist,
It's their perception because they are insatiable.
They absolutely need people from the outside to sustain them,
To make them feel good about themselves,
To adore them,
To tell them how hard their life is,
To tell them that they're never wrong or to always give them a pass.
So accountability is not part of the relationship with the narcissist.
And so if you don't give the narcissist the attention that they need,
Unfortunately,
A narcissist will feel within their right to abuse you and to punish you for not giving them the attention they need,
Which could be actually felt as a narcissistic injury.
So what should you do if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist?
Personally,
I think one of the most important things that you can do is to evaluate how you got into this relationship in the first place.
Now this is not victim blaming.
This is me paying attention to perhaps my inability to set a boundary or perhaps I am somebody who feels more comfortable when I'm with a high powered partner that I could hide behind.
If I am codependent,
I don't feel confident in myself.
If I'm codependent,
And I'm a people pleaser,
And I am someone who tends to feel the most comfortable when I'm needed,
I may find that I'm attracting narcissists who need people that they can control.
I might not be aware that I acquiesce.
I might not be aware that I subjugate my needs for the sake of others.
I might not be aware that perhaps I was raised by a narcissistic parent or even a codependent parent.
I might not be aware that I have low self-worth.
I might not be aware that I think that love is conditional,
And I am in a relationship that mirrors these beliefs.
So the first thing that you want to do is you want to evaluate how you show up in relationships.
You want to figure out whether or not you struggle to set boundaries.
You want to figure out whether or not your empathy for other people is getting in the way of your ability to say enough is enough.
If your partner is highly dramatic and seeks attention and tends to refuse to take responsibility,
If you're dealing with someone who blames you for things that you're not guilty of,
If you are with someone who isolates you or tries to isolate you from family and friends,
If you are with someone who is jealous of your successes and minimizes you,
If you are with someone who gaslights you and twists your words,
You want to be very careful about these behaviors because if you stay in a relationship with a narcissist for too long,
What ends up happening is a trauma bond develops.
And this is when you become addicted to a narcissist's approval.
You become addicted to those early times in the relationship when the narcissist is making you feel so valued.
And over time,
What happens is a narcissist begins to remove their validation.
They begin to make you think that it's your fault that they're not praising you anymore.
You're unaware that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,
Who is impossible to please.
You will be convinced by the way the narcissist lacks empathy and tends to blame other people for why they are acting poorly,
That maybe it is you.
Maybe you're not saying things the way you need to say them.
Maybe it's your fault.
Maybe you weren't loving enough.
Maybe you haven't been considerate enough.
And before long,
You will blame yourself for why you are being treated so poorly.
You might even be afraid to set a boundary.
You will feel trapped.
Once you feel trapped and like you can't escape the relationship,
The fear of setting a boundary with someone who is so highly emotional,
So highly punishing will actually condition you to not speak up.
And this is a very dangerous place to be because someone can live in this type of relationship for the remainder of their life.
The best thing to do is to evaluate the relationship that you're in and to make sure that you're someone who is not people pleasing.
You are not someone who is afraid to set boundaries.
You are not suffering from unhealed inner child wounds.
And if you are,
You're willing to investigate so that you can learn how to stand up for yourself and stay in your personal power.
One of the most important things that we can do is to learn to stop taking responsibility for other people's inappropriate behavior.
Sometimes this means that we just accept that we're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic and we are no longer going to go down the rabbit hole.
What does that mean?
That means that once you identify that you're dealing with someone who has a high conflict personality,
It's no longer about trying to prove your point.
You're done.
You recognize,
You surrender,
And you admit that this person is someone who is not interested in hearing you.
So that means you are no longer interested in wasting your breath.
Your time becomes very valuable.
Sometimes that means that you just refuse to talk to this person.
Maybe you need to go no contact.
Maybe you need to gray rock them so you become so emotionally boring that they no longer are interested in you.
Sometimes if you're dealing in a family situation with a highly narcissistic person,
It's not always easy to set those boundaries.
Sometimes it's easier to just disengage.
Sometimes it's easier to just say,
Yep,
You're right.
It really all depends on the situation that you're in.
If you are someone who is aging and you're dealing with a highly narcissistic partner,
If you're dealing with a highly narcissistic child,
You don't have the strength.
You don't have the energy to go up against this narcissist.
And in that situation,
The best thing for you to do is to detach from the need to please them,
Is to no longer take responsibility for their actions and to accept that this is them.
You cannot heal a narcissist.
Someone who is highly narcissistic has to learn to heal themselves,
If that's possible at all.
I don't want to call me an optimist,
But I do believe that there are certain people who have particular narcissistic traits that if they became aware of them and admitted that they lacked empathy for people,
If they admitted that they tend to have a high sense of superiority and grandiosity,
And if they could admit that they were verbally assaulting,
If they could admit that they were highly aggressive,
If they could admit they have less compassion for people,
If they could admit that their behavior is toxic and they wanted to heal and become a better version of themselves,
Then I do believe in certain situations it is possible.
But those of us who are in relationships with a narcissist,
The most important thing that we can do is to accept that fact and to understand there's nothing we can do to change them.
And all we can do is change the self.
So if that means that I am no longer taking responsibility for how someone else feels,
That's what it means.
If that means I need to go gray rock,
I need to shutty shutty,
I need to stop arguing with someone who is highly narcissistic,
That's what it means.
If it means that I need to look at myself and I need to heal any codependency within myself,
So I am no longer drawn to people who treat me less than,
Then that's what it means.
Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to accept the situation you're in and to work within that dynamic and recognize there's just some things that you can change and some things that you can't change.
And my motto is I'd rather spend the rest of my life focusing on what I can control versus wasting my time,
My precious energy,
My soul,
My mind,
And all of my feelings on things I can't control.
And a narcissist,
Year one,
Is someone you cannot control.
I hope this has been helpful.
Namaste.
Until next time.
Bye now.
