Dealing With Someone With High Narcissistic Traits

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

When you're dealing with somebody who has high narcissistic traits and you confront them,

When you say,

You know,

You seem really distant,

Or you know,

I called you and you never called me back,

Or you said you were gonna meet me at the restaurant,

You didn't show up,

Or you know,

Whatever it is,

You know,

Or you know what,

I don't want you,

I don't think it's right that you hit the kids,

You know,

We need to discuss that.

Or you know what,

You lied and I caught you in a lie,

Like we need to talk about that.

Their reaction is,

If you're dealing with someone high narcissistic traits,

Can be severe.

Like when you're dealing with somebody who is not a narcissist,

You know,

They might be uncomfortable.

Who's gonna be comfortable being called out?

Nobody.

However,

Somebody who doesn't have this issue,

And who loves you,

And who has empathy for you,

And who doesn't have ill will towards you,

Is going to want to meet you in the middle,

Right?

Narcissists can't be vulnerable,

They can't accept that they're flawed,

And their personalities work.

No,

It's not me,

It's not,

That's not who I am.

They can't do it.

Somebody without that issue is able to say,

Yeah,

You know,

I did do that,

And they can separate,

And we should all strive for that.

Because Cody kind of struggled with that too.

We need to separate the behavior from the self.

My self is worthy,

Your self is worthy.

Will your behavior sometimes not be the best?

Absolutely.

But that's everybody.

What we need to do is work at accepting when we don't act in alignment with who we really are.

And if you have an ego,

And you have a brain that's been traumatized,

You're not always going to make the best decisions,

Or you know,

Act in the healthiest of ways.

And that's not your fault,

You know.

The brain has come with these default settings,

And we have an ego,

Which is a default setting of our personality,

How our personality gets created.

And we're all going to need to evolve past triggers and whatnot.

But somebody,

What you'll notice is a pattern of somebody with high narcissistic traits to need to show you who the boss is.

So if you raise your voice,

The narcissist isn't going to be able to sit there and listen.

The narcissist is going to have to raise their voice.

So the minute the narcissist sense this loss of power,

Or the minute the narcissist senses that you're trying to hold them accountable,

Which is something that they can't do because they equate that with vulnerability,

And vulnerability is weak.

I can't be vulnerable.

I can't say I'm sorry.

I can't accept that this is actually the reality that I'm living.

You're going to see a narcissist show you who the boss is.

Now,

They might be passive-aggressive.

They might sit there and just listen to you.

Oh really,

Right,

Really,

Right?

And suddenly there's no money in the checking account.

Or they say that they're going to come home at 5,

And they come home at 8,

Right?

There will be some way that the narcissist has to show you that they're the boss.

So that's number six.

That's the mind game.

I'm the boss around here.

Number seven,

It sounds funny,

But it really isn't.

It's wait,

What?

Like mind game?

Number seven,

Wait,

What?

So what happens when you're in a relationship with the narcissist is you end up very often asking,

Like,

Wait,

What?

Like you're questioning everything,

Right?

The narcissist can say,

Oh,

You know,

I was born in New York,

Right?

And then six months later you have them,

You're hearing a conversation that they're having with the hairdresser,

And that they say they were born in Canada.

You're like,

Wait,

What?

You know,

When you confront them,

They go,

Oh no,

I just told her that story because,

You know,

I thought it was cool to say I lived in Canada,

Or who the hell is she to ask me where I was born?

It's like,

Wait,

What?

Like,

Why would you lie over that?

Like,

What?

So you end up feeling the mind game that they play ends up making you feel like,

Wait,

What?

So narcissists will lie,

They will cheat,

They will steal,

They will abuse you,

And they have no empathy for how their actions make you feel,

Right?

They're able to just dissociate from that.

So even when you catch a narcissist in a bold-faced lie,

They will deny the truth and you're left scratching your head.

So again,

See if this is a pattern in your relationship with someone,

And if it is,

You know,

You just remember,

Wait,

What?

If you're asking yourself that question a lot,

You're scratching your head,

Like,

That's a red flag,

You know what?

It's something to pay attention to.

Number eight is Little Red Riding Hood.

So remember Little Red Riding Hood,

You know,

She's this innocent little girl,

She's got her Little Red Riding Hood cap and cape,

And she wants to go visit grandma,

And she doesn't know that the wolf has,

I think she,

The wolf ate her grandmother,

Right?

And Little Red Riding Hood,

You know,

Knocks at the door,

And she hears this sweet little innocent voice,

And she thinks it's grandma,

Right?

And the wolf is laying in grandma's nightgown and grandma's cap.

So number eight is,

I call it Little Red Riding Hood because it's the story about the wolf in sheep's clothing.

So if you are in a relationship with someone,

And again,

We're looking for a pattern where this person appears to be altruistic,

Or this person appears to be kind and innocent,

And cares about people,

And is socially responsible,

But you're dealing with someone who,

For instance,

Says,

You know,

I'm a vegan,

And I support PETA,

You know,

That's someone's personal choice,

But they kick a dog.

Hello?

That doesn't match.

It doesn't match.

If you're with somebody who says that,

You know,

They treat people kindly,

But they're rude to the waiter or the waitress,

It doesn't match,

Right?

So what you're looking for is you're paying attention to could this person be a wolf in sheep's clothing?

You know,

Someone who says,

Oh,

You know,

I'm kind to little old ladies and is beeping the horn at the poor woman,

Little old lady with the walker trying to get across,

You know,

Fifth Avenue in Manhattan,

Like it doesn't match,

Right?

So pay attention to this idea that maybe you're dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing.

And we call that one number eight,

Little Red Riding Hood.

So number nine is the Rico Suave and the Femme Fatale,

Because remember,

Narcissists can be male or female.

So narcissists will use this sexuality against you,

They will withhold sex.

So when you're thinking about sexuality,

When you're thinking about number nine,

You think about a narcissist in terms of sexuality,

When you first meet a narcissist,

They're very,

They can be in lots of cases,

Very sexual male and female,

They it's the best sex you've ever had,

Right?

And you're like,

Oh,

My God,

This is just amazing,

You know,

But in time,

Things start to change,

Right?

Suddenly,

The narcissist male or female is flirting with the bartender or making out with this,

The waitress,

Right?

Or maybe the femme fatale is flirting it up with your brother.

Or,

You know,

Your brother in law who's married to your sister,

Pay attention to when it comes to again,

Patterns,

If you're dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits,

You'll see this whole idea about sexuality.

It's all over the place.

It's not consistent,

Right?

So the sex is inconsistent.

In terms of the intensity,

They,

They,

In the beginning,

They're all for you.

And then all of a sudden,

They're not.

And when it comes to,

You know,

People that they're attracted to,

They will flirt with other people just to mess with your head,

Right?

And then when you confront them,

Remember,

You'll see a narcissist will reveal themselves in the confrontation with them.

When you say,

Hey,

You know,

What are you doing?

You're making out with the bartender?

Like this is,

This is ridiculous.

Oh,

Well,

If you weren't so insecure,

It wouldn't bother,

It was just a kiss,

Or I didn't kiss her,

She kissed me,

Whatever it is,

They're slippery,

And they're sliming around this whole thing.

And if they're pissed at you,

They will,

They will punish you and withhold sex from you.

It's like they're doing you a favor,

You know,

Because they're having sex with you.

So number nine,

Rico Suave and the femme fatale.

Number 10.

Um,

Did you say something?

So number 10 refers to this idea that narcissists can manipulate and maintain control and power in a relationship by just being disinterested in you.

Right?

And so they'll ghost you,

Or they won't text you back,

Or they'll be hard to get in touch with.

In the beginning,

They'll come at you hard,

Right?

They'll,

They'll make you feel like you're the,

You're the most important person in the world.

But over time,

Right,

Again,

We're looking for a pattern.

They are,

They make you wonder if you're just,

If you're disinterested.

They'll be passive aggressive.

They won't show up on time.

And they'll,

They'll make you feel like,

Or they'll imply that,

You know,

You are just not an interesting person,

Or they just will start to,

Like I said earlier,

They'll ghost you,

There's suddenly there's just complete disinterest in you.

And you're wondering,

Like,

What is going on?

It won't make sense.

When you're in a relationship with someone of high narcissistic traits,

That's the theme.

Nothing makes sense,

Right?

And their goal is really to keep you insecure and keep you chasing them.

It's like a cat and a mouse game,

You know?

So,

So you're always chasing their approval,

And they tend to be hot and cold.

It's a very inconsistent relationship.

It's up and down.

So now I want you to ask yourself some questions.

So if you're in a relationship with someone and you feel off-balance,

That's a red flag.

So peel yourself back and ask yourself these questions.

Does this person make me feel seen?

Do I feel safe around this person?

Does this person's behavior match their actions?

Does this person put me down in subtle ways or around other people?

Does this person show up on time?

Does this person ghost me?

Does this person meet me halfway?

Is this person consistent,

Reliable,

And dependable?

Does this person flirt with other people?

Do they have a history of cheating?

And are they generous,

Or am I always picking up the bill?

So I hope that this video about the games that narcissists play,

You know,

Has helped you identify some patterns maybe in your own relationship,

And I hope it's made it a little bit easier for you to see through the fog.