Narcissists Are Too Arrogant For Their Own Good

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Today we're going to be talking about why so many narcissists come off so damn arrogant.

Now,

When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

One of the things that you end up discovering in most cases is this level of arrogance,

Right?

They just shut you down quickly.

They're quick to devalue other people.

They're quick to minimize your experience.

They're quick to judge your opinion.

They're quick to accuse you of things that you're not guilty of.

They're quick to shut you down,

Right?

And it can be really exhausting dealing with someone who is arrogant,

Right?

You might really love this person,

But you see that they have this air of superiority,

This need to put other people down.

The sense of this idea that they're better than everyone else.

So I wanted to break it down and see if we can make any headway through this.

So a quick scan of the internet of the word arrogance,

Looking for a definition,

And you find an offensive display of superiority or self-importance and overbearing pride.

I think most of us or many of us who've been dealing with narcissists at work,

Narcissists in the family,

We've dated or married someone who is narcissistic,

We will see that this person has this sense of self-importance.

Now this sense of self-importance,

It's not always so easy to see because sometimes depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with,

You're dealing with a covert,

Vulnerable,

Shy narcissist,

You're not going to see this sense of importance right away.

It might take time for you to see that they do have this idea within them that their emotions and their needs and what they think are far more important than what anybody else thinks and far more important than what you think.

And you really shouldn't think what you think or have the opinion that you have at all,

By the way,

It's just irrelevant.

And you'll see it through passive aggressiveness.

And on the outside,

When you're dealing with other people,

It might not be so easy to see that.

You might see this person as highly agreeable in front of a crowd,

But behind closed doors,

A covert narcissist generally treats the people who are closest to them as their main source of narcissistic supply.

And that's where you'll see the trouble come in when you're dealing with the covert narcissist in lots of the cases.

Now the average garden variety narcissist,

The person who is more easy to pick out in a crowd,

This person who tends to put other people down quickly,

Looks for a lot of attention,

Wants everyone else in the room to pay attention to them,

They come off like super,

Super confident,

They could be highly charming.

Eventually you fall down this path of,

Wow,

Observing a lot of arrogance.

And so I wanted to talk about why narcissists are so arrogant.

So I made a list and I'm going to share it with you.

So an interesting fact is that some research has actually suggested that those with high narcissistic traits,

So people who have taken narcissistic tests to see where they fall,

These people actually know that they are perceived as narcissistic.

So it's not that they're not self-aware that they're coming off this way,

But something else is going on.

It seems like they really don't care that they're being perceived as narcissistic,

Which leads to arrogance in my opinion.

But I think it's really interesting to note that research is pointing in the direction of leading us to believe and surmise that many narcissists actually know that they're testing or scoring with high narcissistic traits and they actually know how other people see them,

Which I find really,

Really fascinating.

Because in the past,

Much of the research has suggested that narcissists lack self-awareness.

Now when we get into the self-knowledge aspect of self-awareness,

Because I think there are different levels of self-awareness.

So if I have awareness of self,

Then I'm assuming on some level,

At least it's the way I look at it,

That if I'm aware of myself,

Then I'm aware of my shadow.

I'm aware of my shadows.

I'm aware of the not so awesome aspects of my personality.

I'm aware of my vulnerabilities.

I'm aware of my flaws.

I'm aware of the way my mind is thinking.

I'm aware of how I'm coming off to other people.

And I'm aware as to whether or not I'm coming off in an empathetic way or in a way that is callous.

I'm aware and I have a conscience and that conscience allows me to navigate my experiences with other people and the way I interface with other people.

That's an amazing level of self-awareness.

However,

The jury seems to be out as to whether or not narcissists have that level of self-awareness,

Although research is suggesting that they are aware enough to know how you see them and how others perceive them.

So they have this awareness of self,

But are they really able to do the deep dive discovery work around why am I the way I am?

Why am I narcissistic and how am I affecting other people?

But that gets even deeper because we have to ask,

Does this person have the potential and or the desire to care about how they affect other people,

Which is a whole other issue – do they have empathy neurons,

Mirror neurons?

Do they have the ability to have compassion for other people?

Do they have the ability to take in other people's opinions?

Can they take it in?

Can they chew on it?

Can they think about it?

Can they negotiate?

Can they be fair?

Can they say,

I'm sorry?

Can they be accountable?

And so I think we can't just use the term self-aware and say,

Oh,

Yeah,

Narcissist is self-aware and presume that we are saying that a narcissist is self-aware to the point that they are aware of their vulnerabilities,

That they're aware of their shadows and they're aware at that level.

If you want to say a narcissist is self-aware,

They know that they're a narcissist.

Okay.

But to me,

When I think about self-awareness,

It's not just I'm aware of myself in space and I know how people see me.

No,

Self-awareness to me means it includes self-accountability,

Self-reliance,

Self-responsibility and an ability to see myself at the level of my pain and do what I can in that space to heal so that I can love myself and love others.

So let's talk about why a narcissist can appear to be so arrogant,

What's going on.

So bragging about themselves may actually hide a deep seated feeling of inadequacy.

Like most of us realize that many narcissists are the way they are because they have this false self and they're trying to mask their insecurities with bragging.

They're trying to mask their insecurities with name dropping.

They're trying to pretend that they are far more confident than they actually are.

So they might appear arrogant through boasting and bragging as a way to hide insecurities and a deep seated feeling of inadequacy.

Status seeking.

So this is another way that you might be in the company of someone and notice that they're status seeking,

They're name dropping,

They're really into what kind of car they drive or they're into their body,

They're into how many people are into them,

How many people think they're hot,

How many people think they're awesome on Instagram or Facebook.

So they're into this idea of status or what so and so said to them or who reached out to them.

So they like to name drop,

Things like that.

But the status seeking narcissist may rely on the status of others as a way to feel good about who they are.

So if they think that you think that so and so is awesome,

Then they assume that you think they're awesome too.

So it's a big cover up.

In other words,

Like I'm going to name drop and I'm going to seek status and hang out with people that I think that could raise my status because I'm really hiding behind this mask and I'm really masking this idea that I don't really feel worthy in and of myself and I don't know how to generate my own positive self image.

So I'm just going to ride the coattails of other people.

This person can come off very arrogant.

So that might be going on.

Another issue is that they may assume that others adjust blind to how amazing they are.

So when you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits and they're appearing arrogant and you maybe you might even try to approach your brother,

Your sister,

Your child,

Your husband,

Your wife,

A coworker,

Like dude,

You're coming off like really arrogant,

Right?

This person might think that you just don't get them,

That you are blind to their brilliance.

You are a dumb dumb.

You don't get it.

You don't understand.

You are just not intelligent enough to understand them.

They are superior to other people.

They are superior to you.

And so that's why you see them as arrogant.

You just don't get them.

If you understood how special they were,

Then you wouldn't see this as arrogance,

Right?

You'd be praising them.

You would think they're awesome.

So when you're dealing with someone like this who has this attitude and this is an aspect of their personality,

They may be coming off arrogant because they just think other people are unable to see how amazing they are.

So imagine if you're someone walking through life thinking that nothing's your fault and it's everyone else's fault that you're not where you should be,

Right?

It's not your fault.

You think that you should be higher than you are in your job,

But you don't have the qualifications.

That's arrogance.

To think that you should have X,

Y,

And Z job,

But you don't have the qualifications,

It's not even logical.

But imagine if someone thinks that they deserve that job,

Even though they're not qualified,

Then what happens in their head?

Well,

Then it's not me and it's not my lack of qualifications.

It's because people don't see that I don't need those qualifications,

That I will be great at that job.

They just don't understand how amazing I am.

So that's another reason why someone might come off as arrogant.

Another reason why narcissists might come off arrogant is that,

This is really crazy,

But narcissists prefer to be admired,

Feared,

Well admired and feared rather than liked.

And so when it comes to a narcissist,

We have to understand that there's this level of this need for a sense of superiority.

They need to feel superior to you,

To others in their own head.

It protects them.

They need to feel like when they're walking on campus or they're walking across the mall or they're looking for a car,

They need to feel like everyone in the room sees them as better than.

They deserve special attention and it makes them feel better to believe that they deserve special attention.

And so a narcissist who is seeking a sense of superiority,

Think about,

Well,

How do you seek superiority over other people?

Well,

You demand it,

Right?

And well,

If you demand it,

Then you're trying to intimidate other people lots of time.

If you need to be admired,

You're a narcissist that needs to be admired,

You might be someone who brags a lot.

You might name drop.

You might talk about the big house you're going to buy,

Or you might be talking about how much money you make or what kind of car you drive or whatever,

What kind of vacation you're going on or how many people admire you,

How many people stopped to kiss your ring at the mall,

Right?

So it's incredible.

So we're paying attention to why narcissists come off so arrogant.

And I think this is important because if we understand or play with,

At least try to figure out what's going on behind the scene,

Why does someone come off this arrogant?

If we understand the backstory,

Then I think sometimes it helps us let go.

We don't end up needing to change this person or arguing with this person.

We can shutty shutty and accept that this is their reality.

We can say namaste and walk away,

As I like to say.

We can accept their delusion.

We can accept their false reality.

We can accept why they're doing what they're doing because we understand that what's happening is not something that we can change,

That it's really happening all inside their own personality.

And this is the way they're projecting it and their arrogance is really a mirror to the way their mind is thinking.

So remember that a narcissist prefers to be admired and feared rather than liked.

So that leads to arrogance.

So if I don't care what you think and I don't care if you like me,

Then I dismiss you.

I'm dismissive.

I really don't care how you feel.

I don't care if I upset you.

I don't care if you feel like I was inconsiderate.

I don't really care,

Right?

And if I don't care,

I'm going to dismiss you.

And if I need to feel superior over to you,

Dismissing you might not be enough.

I might need to talk about you to other people.

I might need to triangulate.

I might try to need to get you fired.

I might need to start a smear campaign because a narcissist who is arrogant prefers to be feared and admired versus liked.

And this will very much come through or bleed through in their personality as arrogance.

So another reason why narcissists might come off arrogant is because they view being seen as arrogant as a positive.

So there are people who,

If you call them arrogant,

They might just assume,

Yeah,

So what?

I'm confident.

Or so what?

I don't care what people think about me.

Or so what?

You know what?

She's insignificant.

Or so what?

What's the big deal?

So I told the boss what I really thought about her or him.

It could be a complete backward story,

Blame shifting the whole bit.

But this level of,

Sure,

Call me arrogant,

But I think it's good to be arrogant.

So rather they take this idea of arrogance and they twist it and they turn it into a positive rather than a negative.

If you've ever said to someone,

Hey,

That was a little arrogant.

And they're just like,

Yes,

So?

And there's this little smirk.

They don't think that they've done anything offensive.

So another reason why some with high narcissistic traits can come off as arrogant is because of the way they're perceiving the word arrogant.

So while you might perceive the word arrogant as a negative,

As something that this person should really get a hold of when you're dealing with a narcissist,

They might not see it that way.

They might think,

Well,

It's great to be an alpha,

Which is nothing wrong with being alpha.

You just got to really pay attention to.

You can't have no empathy for people.

You can be a go getter.

You could set goals.

You could want to take over the world in a way.

You can want to set the world on fire as long as you're not stepping on other people's heads to do it.

There's nothing wrong with self-confidence.

But we're talking about a level of arrogance.

Remember what the definition is.

It's an offensive display of superiority.

So when you're talking to someone who is arrogant and they twist it and they say,

There's nothing wrong with me being the way I am,

That's offensive.

They're actually displaying a sense of superiority and they don't even realize that in their mind they have taken the word arrogant and turned it into a positive,

Where most people would take the word arrogant and be offended that you think that they're arrogant or they would not want to be seen as arrogant and they would feel bad and that remorse would affect them and their conscience would allow them to change their behavior,

Which is the most we can ask of any human being.

The other thing that causes a narcissist,

I kind of touched upon this a little while ago,

Another reason that might cause a narcissist to come off arrogant is that they just don't care.

Have you ever dealt with someone that just doesn't care?

You tell them what they think,

Don't care.

You tell them that what they said in front of your mother was offensive,

The cursing,

The language that they used,

Don't care.

You tell them that them flirting with your girlfriend hurt your feelings and it embarrassed you,

Don't care.

You telling them that they spent the rent money on weed or drinking or gambling,

Don't care.

It's like they literally don't care,

Which is offensive to be in a relationship with someone.

And remember,

Relationships should go 50-50.

They should go two ways,

Not one way.

So it's kind of mind boggling when you're dealing with someone and they're so arrogant that you know that they don't care.

I've had clients and I've spoken to their spouses and I've been appalled at the level of don't care.

And it's not because this was a longstanding relationship and the partner felt drained by the one partner.

There was this level of,

I don't care from day one.

She's a mess.

She's this,

She's that.

I don't care.

I don't care what she says.

I don't care what anything that comes out of her mouth.

It's all nonsense.

She's crazy.

She's this.

Literally like this level of arrogance beyond human comprehension.

And you wonder why,

Right?

You wonder why someone who is married to someone who is this arrogant ends up feeling like they're losing themselves because they're in a relationship with someone that they think emotionally should care and this person doesn't care.

And the words that are coming out of their mouth are very dismissive and you're being blamed for why you feel the way you feel.

You're being called dramatic because you feel like something's wrong.

You want to try to fix it,

But then the narcissist is saying,

There's nothing wrong with me.

There's something wrong with you.

And that is arrogant,

Right?

So even if you're in a relationship with someone and you don't quite understand what's upsetting them,

If you love this person and you care about this person and you're committed to this person,

You should really want to know what's really going on with them,

Right?

If you don't want to know what's going on with your partner,

That's an issue because healthy relationships,

Partners care about what's going on with one another.

And each partner knows that they are important to the other partner.

It's like not a question.

You feel like you have someone in your corner,

But far too often,

Often when you're in a relationship with someone with high narcissistic traits and arrogance is a main personality characteristic,

What you feel is like they really don't care.

There's that level of they don't care.

So that's another reason why if you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They will come off as arrogant.

The next thing is that a narcissist doesn't know how to care about someone in a healthy way.

In other words,

They are empathy impaired.

So they might even have this cognitive empathy.

Like I think I know why this person is upset,

But far too often they lack the emotional response that healthy people have when other people are in pain.

The ability to actually feel what someone else feels to like,

Oh,

See someone crying and you just well up with tears.

Not that you have to cry every time someone else cries,

But it's normal and it's great for humanity for us to be able to feel what one another feels.

If I can feel your pain,

Then I don't want to inflict pain on you.

So I think it's a really important quality that we look for in future partners and we make sure if we're in dysfunctional relationships and toxic relationships,

We're looking for this ability for our partners to have some compassion and almost somatic empathy.

So in other words,

If I'm upset,

It's really helpful to know that my partner cares.

Now,

There are situations when you're dealing with people who have high narcissism,

Who they have never seen you in the relationship and it has always been about them and you're exhausted.

That's not what I'm talking about here.

For what I'm saying to be true,

It has to be in the situation that you are in a relationship with a high conflict person who is arrogant,

Who displays offensive superior behaviors,

Their language,

Their language patterns,

Have you believing that they think they're better than you.

They say things like,

You're stupid,

You're smart,

Why would you say that?

What would you do without me?

I'm embarrassed to be married to you.

I can't believe that I am married to you.

Don't tell anybody you're with me.

You still talk like that.

You think like a child,

I can't tell you anything.

So they're constantly making you feel like they are superior to you.

They're trying to beat you down.

So for what I'm saying to be true,

That has to be the dynamic.

You have to be in a relationship with someone who love bombed you,

Pulled you in,

Pulled you in,

Trauma bonded you,

You have these periods of intermittent pleasurable experiences where you're being reinforced and then boom,

There's this explosion,

You're devalued,

Right?

And then the cycle,

You start to calm down,

The cycle begins all over again.

And what you're noticing in that cycle is a level of arrogance.

That will be a thread,

A pretty consistent thread that you will notice if you happen to be in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic.

Another reason that you might notice arrogance in someone with high narcissistic traits is their inability to be honest and vulnerable.

And so when you can't be honest and you can't be vulnerable,

You always have your guard up.

And arrogance could be a way that a narcissist protects themselves from the fear of abandonment,

From being mortified,

Right?

So if you think about it,

Narcissists really fear being embarrassed.

They really fear that you're going to leave them,

That you're going to expose them for the fraud that they are,

That they're going to feel less than.

And remember,

They're relying on feeling superior to help them feel regulated,

Right?

So as long as everyone else thinks I'm the smartest person on YouTube and I'm the smartest person in the office and I'm the smartest person in the world and everyone should listen to me and I shouldn't listen to anybody else,

As long as I believe that and people are mirroring that to me,

Yes,

You're the most amazing.

No one should listen to anybody but you.

You're great.

You're awesome.

I don't know why anybody listens to anybody else,

Right?

So as long as you have people mirroring that back to you,

You feel pretty confident.

You go out into the world and you're the smartest person in the group,

You love that if you're a narcissist,

Right?

So as long as you have that,

You feel pretty confident.

So it's difficult for that person,

Probably impossible in most cases,

For that person to actually let their guard down and imagine that someone else,

Right,

Deserves to be seen as special also or is bright or shares the spotlight with them.

It's very difficult for a narcissist to share a spotlight.

You'll see this in families.

I noticed this recently on one of the Bravo Housewives show where it was so obvious that one of the housewives on Bravo was really ticked off that the show asked a member of her family or a couple of members of her family to participate.

From the outside looking in,

It looked like this highly narcissistic housewife was so ticked off that she was going to have to share the stage with other members of her family.

So as long as she remained the head peacock,

It was good,

Right?

She would be getting all the accolades.

Everyone would be talking about her and her success,

But it was very uncomfortable for her to share the spotlight with other people.

That's very common,

Especially with narcissistic females.

Not sharing the spotlight.

It's all about me,

All about me.

So you'll see a level of arrogance when someone is afraid to be vulnerable,

When someone is struggling to feel like they are like everyone else,

When someone is struggling to be honest with their fears and honest with their flaws.

It takes a lot of courage to be able to say,

Yeah,

I'm not perfect.

Because when you say,

Yeah,

I'm not perfect,

And you really get into that spot of,

Yeah,

I'm not perfect,

It's almost like your shell has come off.

And you are a soft target now,

Right now.

So if you know what my boo-boos are,

I've actually handed you a weapon and you can exploit that weapon anytime you like,

Which is one of the tactics a narcissist uses,

Right?

So they get you to drop your guard,

You tell them all about your life,

And now they know where all of your vulnerabilities are.

And anytime they want to exploit you,

They will.

And so if you have a fear of abandonment,

They threaten to leave you.

If you've been cheated on,

Then they threaten to cheat on you or they cheat on you.

If there was some other issue in your family and your childhood and you don't want it to come out,

Then they use that against you.

If you posed naked in college and you didn't want anyone to find out,

If you did something in college that had to do with nudity,

Then they use that against you.

And so it's important that we recognize that people who have a difficult time being vulnerable and being honest,

Who haven't done enough self-recovery work in a child's work,

Digging into what codependency is and how it keeps us stuck and how it keeps us below the veil of consciousness and dysfunctional relationships.

Because to heal from codependency,

You have to be able to be vulnerable,

Especially with the self.

You can't play games if you want to heal from codependency.

So when you're dealing with someone who has a difficult time seeing themselves and seeing their own vulnerability,

Then what you're going to get is the boop,

You're going to get the shield,

You're going to get the weapon,

You're going to get the sarcasm,

You're going to get them minimizing,

You're going to get the discard,

Right?

You're going to get arrogance because the arrogance protects them and their vulnerability.

So as long as they're arrogant,

They're kind of protecting their vulnerabilities.

So someone with high narcissistic traits is really not able or willing to let you in,

To let you see their boo-boos because maybe not only are they afraid of you exploiting them,

But maybe they know on some level that this is what they do.

This is their MO.

And so if I'm a narcissist and I get you to trust me and you tell me something from your past,

Let's say you did something in the past you never wanted your children to know,

And I'm a narcissist and I know that,

Oh good,

That's juicy information.

I'm going to store that in the shed in case they ever need it.

And I know that that's what I'm going to do.

Then I know it's possible for people to do it to me too.

So then why would I be vulnerable with you?

If I know that I'm going to use this against you,

Why would I be vulnerable with you?

I experienced this in my life and it was devastating because I never saw it coming.

You know,

You love someone,

You trust someone and you open up yourself to this person and you tell them exactly what you've been struggling with.

And you don't always notice that the person isn't being honest with you back.

Like nothing's coming back,

Right?

They're just there listening to you,

Holding your hand and you think,

Wow,

This is great.

You know,

You feel so seen,

Right?

So we've got to really,

Really be careful about sharing vulnerabilities with people because those are our sacred boo-boos,

Right?

And we really have to learn how to protect it and honor it because there are people out there who are malicious.

There are people out there who have malicious intentions.

There are people out there who are predator type personalities and who want you to tell them all of your boo-boos and share with them all your vulnerabilities so they can exploit them.

So that is,

That may be another reason why narcissists can appear to be so arrogant because they understand that they have to protect their vulnerabilities.

And one of the ways they can do that is through their arrogance because on some level they may not be able to trust anyone because they understand how they play inside relationship dynamics.