Why You Keep People Pleasing | The Fawn Response

11:08

11:08

Why You Keep People Pleasing | The Fawn Response

by Sarah Hofing

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

48

If you've ever said yes when you meant no, this talk is for you. You'll discover the fawn response — the fourth stress response that explains why people pleasing isn't a personality flaw but a nervous system survival pattern. Learn how to recognize it in your daily life and one simple tool to begin interrupting it today.

People Pleasing Trauma Neuroscience Trauma Response Pause Technique Resentment Management

Meet your Teacher

Victoria, BC, Canada

Meet your Teacher

Victoria, BC, Canada

Transcript

Hi everyone. Today I'm going to talk to you about the Fawn response. This is a response that not as many people are aware of. And there are nervous system responses that your body goes through. There's four stress responses. And most people only know about the three, Which are fight, Flight, Freeze. So when we are under, We feel like we're under attack. And we go into this nervous system response, We can flight, Which is leave, We run away from the situation. And physically or mentally, And we can freeze where we just stop inner tracks. You know, I think about that saying where it's like Bambi in front of a Mack truck kind of freeze, Don't know what to do next, Right? You see that with deer all the time. This is actually called the fawn response. And it's really interesting because when I started talking to my clients about it and talking to them about the nervous system responses and which ones. They most relate it to, It's always the fun response. So that's why I wanted to do this video to talk a bit more about it. It is the hardest to spot and it's the most common in high functioning women. So the FON response is where your nervous system chooses appeasement. So it looks like agreeableness. It feels like being a good person, Right? So it's like you're. . . Allowing yourself to Put the other person's needs in front of your own. So even though. You might not want to do something or you might feel like, Oh, That doesn't really work for me today. You're going to do it anyway because you don't want conflict and you want to make the other person happy. So you're avoiding the conflict. And. What we've discovered is that, So a therapist and trauma specialist, Pete Walker, He identified the FON response while working with survivors of complex trauma. So he noticed the pattern and that it didn't fit neatly into the fight, Flight, Or freeze. So people who responded to threat, Like I said, By making themselves agreeable. So that's where this bond response came from. They like to people who use the phone response like to be useful. They like to feel like they have value by doing things. They want to be easy to manage. They learned that very, Very early that the fastest way to make danger stop, Conflict stop, Like I was saying, Was to become whatever the situation needed them to be. So it could kind of feel like. They're a bit of a chameleon where they can kind of change themselves or their response based on what the other person needs. And this is not a flaky characteristic. This is not not being authentic to who you are. This is something that is a survival response. This is how you kept yourself safe. And this is how you were able to adapt and be able to live because you didn't want that conflict. And based on what might have happened in your childhood. You're. . . Knowing how to work with that other person so that they aren't mad at you, Right? So this is a survival response. And I think a lot of people really have that aha moment around that because they thought all this time that it was a personality characteristic. And they're realizing, No, I did that for survival. So neuroscience actually backs this up. The Fawn response. . . Activates the same threat detection system in the brain as fight or flight. So the difference is the direction. So instead of moving away from the threat, Like you do with flight, Like you're moving yourself away, You're moving towards it, But it's not to confront it. Like you would with fight. So this one, You're actually moving towards it. But you're not trying to confront it. You're trying to neutralize it and you're trying to neutralize it through compliance. Through warmth. Okay. So that's where it's very different through making yourself so accommodating. That conflict becomes impossible because you want to be likable, Agreeable. This is where people pleasing comes in. This is where you just. . . Like do not want conflict at all that you fawn. And in a genuinely dangerous situation, Like I want you to know that this is. Like, Thank your nervous system for doing this for you, Right? Like, And I think that's where we really need to acknowledge, Like, Yes, This, Now we have all the information, We know what fond response is, And now we need to bring it into the body and say, Thank you so much for protecting me. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for being so intelligent in making this system for me so that I could figure out surviving. But the problem is it stopped being about safety a long time ago. So now it's just your default. So that's why if you're watching this video, It's probably because there's something. That brought you to it so that you can help yourself become aware. And be able to know when it's happening so that you can start to not make that your default programming. So real life examples. OK, So let's pretend because I like to use kind of storytelling to be able to see yourself in these situations and know what now that we know what the theory is and where it came from, Then we can see it applied. So let's pretend that your manager makes a comment that you disagree with. So before you've even finished processing it, You're nodding, Okay? Not because you agree, Because your nervous system already calculated that agreeing is safer. So even though in your head you're like, I don't know if I really agree with what he's saying, You're still nodding because you don't want to argue, Rock the boat, Disrupt the system. Another example, Someone takes credit for your work, You say nothing, And then you find a reason why it's fine actually. So this is the like convincing the system where. Even though your body is saying like, This isn't right, You're allowing yourself to neutralize it, Calm it, Because you, Again, You don't want to rock that boat. So let's say someone asks if you're okay with something that you're not actually okay with. And this is something that I see a lot with my clients. And they'll immediately say yes. I call it like the knee-jerk reaction because that's your default programming that's coming in and taking over. And you haven't even had a chance for the decision that feels good in your body to form. Because you're not checking in with your body. You're not knowing what actually, What you want, What you need. And what happens is you have that automatic yes. And then immediately after, You're feeling like, Oh man, Why did I have to say yes to that? Why did I do that to myself? I don't want to look after that person's dog on the weekend. I have other plans. Why am I saying yes? So this is where the FON response can really get you into trouble. Resentment, Anger can follow, You know, And it's tough because it's this default programming that you've had for a very long time. And then when you're bringing awareness to it. It really starts to wake you up to how much you're doing it. Um, So even a mild disagreement can create a physical sensation of dread that you'll do almost anything to avoid. So you might adjust your opinion depending on who's in the room. You mistake being agreeable for being kind. But underneath, Quietly, There's this resentment. Like I was saying, The resentment, The anger that you don't let yourself feel because you brush it off and say, Oh, No, It's fine. But I agree to it. It's OK. And so you have no idea what you actually think about some things because you've been reflecting other people's opinions back at them for so long. So it's like this mirror that you keep pushing back to them. So this is where the fond response can become really hard in knowing. Who you authentically are, What you need and what you want, Because you've been neutralizing so many conflicts and conversations through your whole life. That I find people, You know, A lot of women in their late 30s, 40s, 50s, Kind of all of a sudden are like, Wait a second. How did I get here? What do I actually want? What do I actually need? So I just want you to know that this is not a weakness. This isn't. . . A personality quirk. This is a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do, Keeping you safe by keeping you agreeable. So this weekend, I really want you to practice what I call the pause. The next time that someone asks you for something and you feel that automatic yes. Forming, I want you to slow down. And I want you to create a pause. So right away, You're going to feel the default coming where you're going to be like, Oh, Yeah, For sure. I can do that. No problem. And I want you to say. Let me get back to you. OK, And it's like you can say, I'm going to get back to you in two hours. I'm going to get back to you in 24 hours, Whatever. Or you can just say, Let me get back to you. And those words are going to have a huge impact and it's going to feel really uncomfortable because you're not going to want to displease them. And you're going to feel like giving me a quick answer is what's going to make them happy. So it's going to be hard and I want you to sit in the uncomfortable. And. I want you to be able to. Allow yourself that time, That space, That pause to be able to actually ask yourself what you really want, Not what you think that other person needs. And it's going to take time. And you might say, You know, Yes. And then you're like, Oh, Did I actually, Right? And it's going to be a little bit of a back and forth, But that's okay. That's learning. That's, This is what I call field research where you're out in the wild and you're learning and you're trying to make a new default pattern that's more healthy. And that's not based on nervous system response from trauma. So I just want you to know that the fond response isn't who you are. It's how you survived. And it can be interrupted. And this is the very beginning. This is the first step is the awareness. So thank you so much for being here and doing this hard work.