Hi,
I'm Dr.
Tara Cousineau.
I'm a psychologist and I'm sitting in my home office.
Welcome.
We will discuss what is self-compassion.
And I'd like to start with a question.
How do you talk to yourself when things go wrong?
Maybe eat below a presentation.
Snapped at somebody that you love.
Made a mistake,
You've been replaying on a loop in your mind.
What does that inner voice sound like?
For most of us,
It's not very kind.
So self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same basic kindness you'd offer a good friend in the same situation.
That's it,
That's the core of it.
Now,
I know what you might be thinking.
That sounds nice,
But isn't that just making excuses for yourself?
Or,
I need my inner critic to keep me on track.
Many people think self-compassion means letting yourself off the hook.
But honestly,
After 30 years as a psychologist,
I have found the opposite is true.
Self-compassion helps people become more resilient,
More motivated,
And ultimately more successful and satisfied.
And that's what the research shows too.
Dr.
Kristin Neff,
The psychologist,
Really put self-compassion on the map.
Describes three elements that work together.
First,
Mindfulness.
Noticing when you're suffering without either blowing it up or pushing it away.
Maybe there's stress,
Disappointment,
Anxiety,
Or self-doubt.
Simply acknowledge.
Oh,
This is hard.
Second.
Common humanity.
Recognizing that imperfection and struggle are part of every human life,
Not just yours.
Remind yourself,
I'm not alone.
Being human means struggling sometimes.
And third,
Self-kindness.
Actively offering yourself.
The same generosity and kindness you would to somebody else.
You can even place a hand on your heart and say,
May I be kind to myself.
May I give myself what I need.
May I remember that I'm doing the best that I can.
And carry this kindness into the rest of your day.
Together,
These three things form something that's really different than the usual self-help message of,
Oh,
Just start feeling better about yourself or get over it.
I think about a client I'll call Maya.
She's a high achieving professional who came basically burned out and feeling kind of hollow.
And she was doing everything right by external measures.
Her inner dialogue,
However,
Was relentless.
She would get a little bit of feedback and then beat herself up for three days about it.
When she first heard about self-compassion,
She said,
And I'm paraphrasing,
Of course,
Okay,
Dr.
Tara,
That sounds like therapy speak for being soft on yourself.
But here's what she discovered over time.
Self-compassion isn't softness.
It's actually a more stable foundation for high performance.
You're not afraid of taking risks.
If you make a mistake,
You'll come back.
So why does this matter?
Research consistently shows that people higher in self-compassion have lower anxiety and depression.
Greater emotional regulation and resilience,
And this one surprises people,
Higher motivation,
Not lower,
Higher,
Because when you know you can meet your own stumbles with some understanding instead of attack,
You become less afraid to try.
So the next time something goes sideways,
And it will because you're human,
Try this.
Put a hand on your heart or give yourself a self hug.
Take a nice deep breath.
And ask yourself.
What would I say to a friend right now?
And then say that kindness to yourself.
That's where self-compassion really begins.
