Women Shrinking For ‘Her’ Man: Patriarchal Recovery

This episode contains discussion of trauma and survival response.

Please listen with care and pause if anything feels activating.

Let's begin.

Welcome to Excel in Rising.

I am Anamaya.

Let's begin.

Don't minimize your abilities,

Intelligence or strength because you subconsciously fear that you will diminish the intelligence or ability of your male partner or family member.

Many of us were conditioned not to let men feel questioned because it was too daring,

Too costly.

To challenge a man's authority once meant danger and centuries ago you would be burned as a witch.

Now,

If you do it,

You are called a bitch.

And this millennia-long conditioning tells us the smarter you are as a woman,

The more you must shrink,

As if your growth somehow threatens his existence,

As if your expansion would drain your man-intelligence by some unspoken black magic,

As if your brilliance would stop his from shining.

And you know this is very ingrained patriarchal conditioning,

And your responsibility,

Especially for the younger woman watching you,

Is to learn that your expression and expansion do not insult or prevent a man from doing the same.

His feelings about your power are his therapy,

Not your burden.

So,

Reflect how you were raised.

And what that means for you.

Will your father feel devalued if you earn more than he does?

Are you stealing his worth simply because you have expanded into yours?

What kind of superpower would that be?

You are not stealing anyone's worth by your own expansion.

Does a man in the gym lose his masculinity if you lift heavier?

Are you supposed to hold back your strength so he can keep his illusion intact?

So,

Do not minimize yourself as a woman,

As a human,

So he doesn't feel small.

And if your presence threatens him,

Should you stop showing up for yourself altogether?

Or are you only allowed to show up to accommodate inflated ego?

And true expansion should feel like a boost to mature a man,

Right?

And many people say comparison steals joy.

And what if your man,

Through comparison,

Could elevate himself?

And no one is stopping your father,

Your brother,

Your coworker,

Or partner from evolving too.

And yet,

Some men still become insecure in the presence of a woman's growth.

As if your evolution insults their ancestors.

And what they don't understand is this.

Their limitation,

Their conditioning,

Their work is not yours to carry.

This is not yours.

And it's not your responsibility.

And you cannot rob yourself of growth just because a man beside you feels uncomfortable.

OK?

So,

You don't shrink.

You don't shrink as your mother did,

Or grandmother,

To make space for a man to expand.

Growth under one roof is not finite,

Right?

And if your expansion is met with resentment,

Sarcasm,

Envy,

Or passive aggression,

And you find yourself shrinking so you're not too much,

If you find yourself shrinking when you want to celebrate yourself,

Your achievements,

Your accomplishments,

Your milestones,

That man is not for you.

Because that is not mature man.

That's someone who is still emotionally underdeveloped.

Still ruled by ego and lineage trauma.

Still conditioned by patriarchal system.

And his healing is his journey.

That's not your job.

Mature man,

Right?

Emotionally developed.

Finds your expansion attractive.

Never threatening.

Never.

Absolutely not.

Man rises with you instead of regressing into tensions.

So,

It's very simple.

You don't shrink for an immature man.

No matter how deeply society and your mother's lineage taught you to do.

And as a woman,

We have this tremendous psychological wound we carry.

And it's inherited guilt of outshining man.

And patriarchal conditioning is not just some external ideology.

It's deeply internalized in our psyche,

In our soma.

And that's a fear response.

So,

It's not that we consciously decide to shrink.

Our nervous system does it for us.

Because it learned across centuries that safety is found in softness.

In silence.

And in a smaller presence.

And also,

We can see this trace of the continuum of punishment.

Where we moved from being a witch to the bitch.

Right?

We moved from physical violence and genocide done.

In the mid-centuries,

9 million women were burned as witches.

So,

We moved from this genocide to emotional and social policing.

If you're looking at the patterns,

We moved from this collective trauma to modern microaggressions.

And the witch becomes the woman who is too much,

Too smart,

Too aggressive,

Too assertive.

Right?

We need to learn to separate woman's worth and expression from patriarchal gaze.

And to bring this subconscious loyalty to the system.

Which repressed us deeply.

I'm somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery.

What I witnessed in my studies with women who are victims of abuse is act of shrinking is manifesting in our bodies.

Silencing.

Tightening in the throat.

So,

Thyroid issues.

TMJ is very,

Very common.

Tightening jaw.

Self-containment.

Self-containment is reflecting in your soma as shoulders curving inward.

And fear of consequences reflects as shallow breath.

So,

Now you have oxygen who is not regenerating your whole body.

Well,

Body moves into deep inflamed state.

And that's also suppressed anger.

Okay?

Fear of consequences.

And also,

We have submission reflex,

Which is so quick.

Lowering your gaze.

So,

Notice.

Notice how you are showing up or shrinking down in the presence of a man.

Especially if you are born and raised in patriarchal families coming from very strict churches,

Religions.

Right?

If you're a minority,

Their father is only authority or father-in-law.

Right?

If you're coming from India,

China,

Korea,

Japan,

Middle East,

Balkan countries.

Absolutely.

Ancestral somatic choreography in us.

Because we carry this muscle memory where women literally collapse their posture,

Breath,

And tone.

Okay?

So,

Undertone,

Vital tone is very low.

But only to create safety in proximity to male fragility.

Quote,

Unquote,

Outworthy.

So,

Undertone of a woman,

Vitality,

Is low.

It's not expensive.

That life force is diminished.

Because if you're looking at the expansion,

If you have.

.

.

If your man is mature adult man who actually gets excited by your success,

Your body reclaiming.

.

.

So,

Vertically,

Right?

You are expanding vertically and horizontally.

You are tall and your chest are wide open.

Your breath can move.

That's a soma.

That's a body of safety and expansion.

So,

Healing this patriarchal wound is not just political.

It's very much somatic.

Right?

And that first start,

How do we start,

Is through your body refusal to reenact oppression.

Where do you look?

Are you breathing?

Are you tall or shrinked?

Impact on your pelvis.

It's the big one,

Impact on your pelvis.

Okay?

So,

Please check out my programs and teachings where we work on somatic level of bringing back that safety in body.

Also,

What we want to really be more aware of and conscious,

If you live with someone,

With a man who is so afraid or he gets insulted when you are expanding,

That's his therapy.

That's his journey.

That's his patriarchal undoing.

So,

Responsibility is on him.

You are not responsible for his discomfort with your light.

You are not.

You are not diminishing your light.

It's not simply healthy.

And mature man isn't the one who tolerates your power.

It's the one who feels inspired.

Who would come and say,

Babe,

Wow,

Babe,

Look at you.

You can see gaze admiration in his eyes.

Look for that gaze.

Look for that gaze.

Is gaze in my man eyes?

Is it filled with pride,

Happiness,

Or is it glimmer of fear?

Confusion followed by anger.

These are your cues.

Also,

Dynamic between patriarchal father and sons,

Son who is maturing and becoming adult is punished.

Belittled,

Devalued by his father because father feels threatened by another man.

Now,

It's his own son under the same roof.

It's not possible.

So,

The level of abuse is horrifying.

The level of projection impact in this relational field is terrifying.

So,

What shrinking does to the woman's psyche and development when a woman is chronically minimized herself to preserve this attachment,

Security,

Place of belonging?

Her psyche organized around safety rather than authenticity.

So,

We have this very typical phoning archetype where this need to belong is prioritized over truth and expression,

Right?

And then we have this identity diffusion.

Your identity is diffused,

Is vanishing.

You start to mistrust your own impulses,

Your own intelligence by saying,

Oh,

Maybe I'm really too much.

I made him angry.

Maybe I just imagined the disrespect.

Oh,

It's not happening.

He has something at work again.

Maybe silence is a peace,

Right?

So,

We,

In a way,

We interject gaslighting.

We internalize this voice,

Patriarchal voice,

As your own consciousness,

Which is completely distorted and not true,

Right?

And then we have this big body-mind disconnection because every time you withhold your truth,

The body stores this unexpressed charge.

Unexpressed energy is now stored in your body.

When we are storing and depressing our God-given expression,

Our biology,

We move into depressed state,

Depression,

Jaw tension,

As I said,

TMJ,

Unsaid,

Unspoken words,

Injustice,

Pelvic contraction.

Survival energy is blocked.

Creative energy is blocked.

Who has a problem with pelvis pain,

Endometriosis,

Polyps,

IBS?

It's not only pelvis,

Right?

Your stomach is just shrinked.

Fear of consequences.

And then what you're seeing in clients is a functional freeze.

It's very functional freeze.

So,

You can appear very calm,

And internally,

There is this big holding of breath through life,

And by breath,

I mean I just want to expand and live in my own authenticity.

And yet,

It's not allowed.

And what's very common with this conditioning,

You become expert in reading other people's needs.

You just stop to recognize your own needs.

And then when we shrink this energy,

Right,

There is no vitality,

There is no this flow between you and this man next to you,

Right,

If this is your partner,

We lose vitality and we move to the state of resignation.

This cost of self-betrayal is so costly,

So costly.

And also,

What is the cost for a man who is raised also in this patriarchal system is now we have a man whose worth is conditioned only with dominance.

A man who needs to dominate over someone,

Over his peers,

Over his friends,

Over his co-workers,

Over someone else's salary,

Over someone else's size of the house,

Over someone else's car,

It's absolutely he is defined by dominance.

And this is for both men and women,

It's mutual captivity system,

Where both genders are trained to disconnect from this essential parts of themselves,

Right?

And now we have a man who is conditioned to despise vulnerability and emotionally they are underdeveloped and woman who are conditioned to internalize this self-doubt,

To distrust their own authority and anger and intelligence and to devalue all of that in self.

So now we have both men and women who are half alive.

We have man who is overinflated and we have a woman who is underexpressed.

And one numbs through control,

Right?

And other through compliance.

And how is this healthy for intimacy?

Right?

Why do we have so many divorce,

Betrayals?

Think about this.

Because for men,

The cost of all of this,

We have this birth of egoic identity.

Emotions are exiled.

Power becomes the only available currency and it's so exhausting.

It's so exhausting.

Because we have now a man who overdevelops this analytical and performative self while repressing the emotional and relational self.

And that creates fragile masculinity.

Very fragile.

Because you have a person who cannot tolerate equality because it mistakes equality with for diminishment as his ego will be lost if it's next to someone who is expensive and powerful.

Why?

Because he learned that he value is only through the dominance.

And it's deeply dependent on external validation.

So,

Self-worth was never rooted in this connection.

But it's always rooted in,

And by connection,

I mean internal,

Authentic connection with yourself.

But it's so dependent on external recognition,

Titles,

Respect,

Female admiration.

And then when a woman expands,

Or son expands,

Right?

Outgrows,

Outshines,

Questions,

A woman next to him becomes the smear of his unmet development task,

And that's inner validation.

Inner,

It comes from inside,

Not from outside.

And that,

Boy,

Wow,

Triggers this unintegrated shame and feeling of being less than,

Right?

And it's deeply wounding for a man who was raised like this,

And there are so many of them.

And look,

Also what's happening,

Why the men are the most depressed when they retired?

Because of this,

External validation is lost.

And then we have this trauma-bonded polarity where the man's dominance is a defense against shame,

And the woman's submission is a defense against abandonment or punishment,

Right?

The consequences for men would be emotionally underdeveloped,

Very fragile ego structure,

Fear of woman's autonomy,

Which is experienced as his loss of control,

Difficulty with intimacy,

Where they are confusing love with ownership.

And for women,

We have this self-abandonment reflex,

Which is so quick,

Chronic guilt for your own success,

Deep anxiety and over-analysis when you want to self-express.

It's almost the moment we want to self-express.

Oh,

There's this very quick voice,

Keep it quiet,

Don't show off,

Right?

And healing is in integration.

Men must reclaim that softness,

Vulnerability,

And no,

Men will not lose their innate sense of manhood,

Of kinship,

Of honor,

Of power.

No,

It's both,

People.

Right?

Touching that emotional realm,

It's not a weakness,

It's actually wholeness.

And to learn to tolerate equality without collapsing into the shame.

Not only with his partner,

Right?

But what that means if your coworker is overshining you.

Is your real identity based and your value based?

If someone is under you and you over that person,

Actually not.

Right?

It's a relational field.

And for women,

We must reclaim our authority back,

Not as a domination,

But to own our expression,

Our right,

The right to fully,

Without any shame,

Carry the strength,

The leadership,

Skills,

Values,

And not to fear that somehow with the black magic,

We will destroy men next to us.

That's not your responsibility.

But we somehow think that this is all showing up as a woman when men is doing that.

Actually,

It's not.

You have right to express all your gifts and be proud of them.

It's not showing off.

Because how come this is always labeled with women as they're showing off,

Not men?

Think about this.

What both needs to integrate,

Right?

When both integrate their disowned parts,

When the man becomes capable of presence instead of performance only,

And the woman becomes capable of expression instead of appeasement,

Then we have this gorgeous conscious partnership where each person expansion becomes fuel,

Not threat.

And we have this a lot in younger generation,

But millennials,

Not millennials,

Gen X,

Gen Z.

They're this doomed and gloomed patterning from their baby boomers parents.

Millennials kind of in between,

But Gen Z's,

Wow,

It's beautiful to see young couples,

How they're working in the unity,

How they're leveling up as a couple in a partnership.

No one shrinks where they both expand.

So,

This episode is not to belittle or take power from men.

It's to reflect and see patriarchy.

Actually,

It didn't make men powerful and women weak.

It made them both malnourished in their own vitality,

Right?

Where men lost access to their heart,

A woman to their voice.

And this healing demands both to reclaim what was exiled and we can be exiled and we can rise as this is the name of this podcast,

Exiled and Rising.

And when we have this space of equality,

Of reciprocity,

Where expansion in one does not require contraction and shrinking in the other.

So,

Look for those companionship,

Look for that type of partner or a friend.

So,

That would be all for today.

Please follow,

Subscribe.

This podcast is funded only by your donation.

So,

Please support if you can and if the link is in the show note.

I am Anna Mael.

This is Exiled and Rising.

Until next time.

Much care.

Much care.