Welcome,
I'm Dr.
Piper Grant.
In today's practice,
We'll gently explore shame around not wanting sex and having illo-desire.
This practice seeks to begin separating your worth from your level of desire.
In so many relationships,
There's an unspoken belief that you should want sex,
That you should want it regularly,
Easily,
Spontaneously.
And if you don't,
Something must be wrong.
The thing is,
Is that desire is not a personality trait.
It's very much influenced by stress,
Exhaustion,
Resentment,
Hormonal shifts,
Nervous system,
Emotional safety,
And the context in which we are living in.
When desire feels quiet,
It is often information,
Not a defect.
And so shame tends to grow when we interpret low desire as a character flaw.
This practice is not about creating desire.
It's about removing the shame and restoring to neutrality.
So as we begin this practice,
I invite you to find a comfortable position,
Just allowing your body to feel supported wherever you are,
However you are in this moment.
And we're going to begin with just finding our breath.
Taking a slow inhale through the nose,
And then exhale through the mouth,
At whatever pace you need and whatever rhythm feels good for you,
Just allowing your breath to bring you to present moment.
And noticing as you begin to slow down,
As you begin to allow your body to soften into this practice,
Just notice any shifts or changes,
Any melting or ease that comes in.
And if it feels safe for you,
I invite you to gently bring to the mind's eye an experience of not wanting sex,
Feeling stuck in low desire,
And just notice that immediate reaction in your body.
Notice if there's tension anywhere.
Perhaps there's an experience of an emotion such as guilt or defensiveness,
Anger even.
Maybe there's a heaviness,
Like a sense of pressure.
I invite you to just observe it.
Just notice.
So often when we are in these experiences,
We can get stuck in the sensation.
Our body is telling us a story,
And we can get stuck in that.
And as you observe what is happening in your body,
I want us to shift our focus from the story to the system.
How can we be curious about if there's anything that your body might in fact be prioritizing?
That your low desire,
The not wanting for sex,
Could in fact be a reflection of something else.
Perhaps your body is calling or prioritizing rest.
Perhaps it's in recovery from stress.
There might be emotional repair that is needed,
Safety that needs to be found.
Can you be curious in your body about what your low desire is actually telling you?
Is there a reflection of something that your nervous system is managing,
Rather than being a reflection of who you are?
What do you hear?
What is it calling for?
What does it need acknowledged?
So often,
Low desire begins to feel like a reflection of our character,
When in fact far too often,
It is actually about the context.
And so when we have these statements such as,
I should be wanting sex,
I should try harder,
I should be different,
These shoulds can get in the way of looking at what is the context in which the desire,
Or the lack thereof desire,
Is being hindered.
In this moment,
As you breathe,
As you're in this space of noticing and acknowledging,
I invite you to see if there are any should statements that are pressuring you,
That are sources of judgment.
Do you have any statements such as,
I should be wanting more,
I should want to have sex?
And in this moment,
I invite you to bring those should statements forward,
And just for right now,
We're going to imagine a box in front of you,
And placing each one of those statements in that box.
Slowly,
Perhaps you're looking at them as sentences on a piece of paper,
Or just the words,
Whatever it is that comes to your mind,
As a way to acknowledge the shoulds,
And place them in this box.
And when all of those should statements are in the box in front of you,
I invite you for right now just to simply close that box.
Perhaps it even needs tape,
Or it tucks in,
Whatever your box looks like,
To just close it for this moment.
We're going to allow ourselves to move that box out of sight,
To the side.
It is still there.
We know that they are there.
We know that it is in our space.
But for right now,
We're just going to allow them to be put to the side.
And without those statements,
Can you notice what is left?
Without should,
There is simply sensation,
Energy,
Capacity.
And just here,
Let's take a breath,
Just noticing what happens in the body as we put the should statements to the side.
Because when we talk about desire,
When we talk about sexual intimacy and sexual desire,
It is not an obligation.
It is a response.
And responses change based on conditions.
And when we have a whole bunch of shoulds,
The condition is one of pressure and obligation.
So instead of asking,
Why don't I want it,
Whatever it is,
I invite you to gently ask,
What does my body need right now?
Invite there to be a conversation,
A curiosity of what does my body need right now?
Perhaps it needs rest.
Perhaps it needs emotional repair.
Maybe less pressure.
Perhaps to feel seen.
Even maybe it needs more playfulness instead of expectations.
Breathe into that,
Whatever that need is that you just heard.
Allow your breath to fill it,
To feel it,
So that it can carry it throughout your body.
Acknowledge that you heard that.
Your level of desire is not the measure of your love.
Your level of desire is not the measure of your commitment.
It is definitely not the measure of your adequacy.
It is information about your internal state.
And information can be respected.
And so I invite you to silently repeat to yourself,
I can listen before I judge.
Desire loves to return to a body that feels trusted.
It easily returns to a body that feels safe.
And trust can begin here.
By gently offering yourself this permission.
Allowing yourself to move at your own pace.
Acknowledging the needs that you hear.
And letting your body settle into that.
Just noticing now where your body is.
Noticing if anything shifted for you in this practice.
Allowing your breath to bring grounding and release of anything else that is residual.
And when you feel ready in your own time,
I invite you to gently open your eyes or bring your gaze back to alert.
Bring your body back into this present space.
And as you begin to move forward,
Allowing yourself to carry the remembering from today's practice.
That not wanting is not a rejection.
It's not a failure.
It is not proof of incompatibility in relationship.
It is simply a messenger about the context.
And context can be understood.
I hope that you find regulation first.
Understanding next.
And that everything else can follow.
Thank you for joining me in this practice.
Be well.
