Numbness - The Survival Skill Of Feeling Nothing At All

11:11

11:11

Numbness - The Survival Skill Of Feeling Nothing At All

by Anja von Treuenfels

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

10

At 15, in more pain than I knew how to hold, I made a decision that shaped the next two decades of my life: I would never feel anything again. This is the story of how emotional numbing saved me as a child and nearly destroyed me as an adult. And how I found my way back, not through willpower, but through my body. If you have ever felt stuck in a life that looks fine from the outside but feels empty on the inside, or like no amount of self-help is actually changing anything, this talk is for you.

Childhood Trauma Awakening Emotional Release Embodiment Self Love Inner Child Healing

Meet your Teacher

Anja von Treuenfels

Zürich, Schweiz

Meet your Teacher

Anja von Treuenfels

Zürich, Schweiz

Transcript

Numbness, The survival skill of feeling nothing at all. I must have been around 15 years old when I made a decision that determined the next two decades of my life. One day after school I was sitting in the park with my best friend. I don't remember exactly what we talked about or what was the straw that broke the camel's back in that moment. But I told my friend, I'm done. I will never feel anything in my life ever again. I didn't know what I wished for, But the pain I was in must have been too much to endure any longer. This is the story of how numbing saved my life and almost destroyed it. My memories of that time are a blur. The constant fighting, The criticism, The feeling that the only way to get attention was to do something wrong. I felt like it was my job to make my mom happy, To save my parents' marriage. And the price was my own happiness. I hated them for that. I just wanted to escape. But how could I leave a home that looked so great from the outside? I got everything a little girl could wish for. I had two horses, Got horseback riding lessons from the best instructors. I went skiing in fancy Swiss ski resorts multiple times per year. I got more pocket money than my friends combined and my parents were at home all the time. In short, I had absolutely nothing to complain about. I had nothing to justify my desire to escape the perceived emotional hell I was living in. So the only escape I could allow was to not feel anymore. And once I make a decision, I'm pretty good at doing what it takes to make things I want happen. So I started drinking every day after school in my room. I radically reduced the amount of food I ate. I started smoking. I got blackout drunk at every party I went to while I had to climb out and back in the window of my house. And guess what? My parents never noticed. They were too busy with their own pain. All of this became such a habit that I forgot that there was a different kind of life before. Without even noticing, I started to live in my head, Neglecting everything my body was telling me. I perfected the art of controlled numbing. Just enough alcohol to black out, Not enough to throw up. Just enough food restriction to make feelings disappear, Not enough to alarm anyone. A career that kept me busy enough to never question how I felt. I mastered the numbing game and even enjoyed it until my body gave up. At one point, I just could not do this any longer. I took a long break from work and spent six weeks on my dad's farm, Mostly sleeping 12 hours every night. I read The Power of Now and started doing yoga. I slowly started to realize that life must have more to offer. I was curious and prepared to do the work. I started reading all the books, Did coaching, Therapy, Worked on my eating disorder and quit my job. My mind started to understand that there must be more to life. I had a lot of awakening moments in breathwork, Yoga classes, Reconnecting with nature and doing more things I actually enjoy. However, Nothing really changed. I still was living in a golden cage. I had a loving boyfriend of over 10 years. I had a great new job, A good income, A beautiful apartment in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. And I could afford everything I wanted, Except leaving. Once again, I found myself in a situation where I should have nothing to complain about. Yet, All I wanted to do was to escape. However, The things that used to work didn't work anymore. Numbing my feelings just didn't work anymore. It got too difficult. When I was drinking, I got an instant headache. The eating disorder would just leave me too weak to function. My newly developed sports addiction resulted in overtraining and when I tried to put a project at work, The brain fog would become so bad that I had to call in sick. So I did the only thing that made sense. I jumped. Not into death, But into life. Because what did I have to lose? I might as well try, Right? So I decided to go on a solo trip for 6 weeks. In these 6 weeks, I felt more life, More joy, More love than I ever had in my life, As far as I remember. That was the thing I have been looking for and that finally made me jump. So I quit my job, Broke up with my boyfriend, Gave up all my security and moved to the other side of the world with all my belongings packed in one suitcase. I had no plan. I just knew I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. It felt like the highest high I've ever been on. My nervous system woke up. Everything was exciting. So much energy freed up. I started to dance every day, Something I never dared to do. But I quickly noticed that when I opened up the pipe of emotions, Eventually the dirt would have to come out too. So one day the anxiety came. The fear of losing everything, The fear of being alone, The fear that I would never make a living for myself. That I would end up sick and broke, Living in a tiny room in my dad's house. On top of that, The universe brought challenges into my life that I wasn't yet ready for. Luckily, The universe also gifted me with meeting the right people and stumbling into the right events. I found myself at ecstatic dances, Tantra workshops and contact improv dance. These intuitive, Deeply embodied practices opened me up to trust and connect to my body in a new way. My circle of friends suddenly consisted of tantra practitioners, Embodiment coaches and therapists. All the things they told me about resonated on such a deep level that I just could not help but try out what they were preaching. I started to practice EFT daily to let go of my fear of being alone. I danced naked in front of the mirror in order to reconnect to the beauty of my body and movement. Daily active kundalini meditations became my prayer. And practicing emotional release such as intentional crying, Pillow punching and streaming gave me access to a whole new layer of pleasure. Yes, You heard that right, Pleasure. And slowly but surely, My body became my home again. I reconnected to my intuition and started to listen to the needs of my body and nervous system. I allowed myself to say no to things from a place of self-love. I started to enjoy the small delights of daily life such as putting my feet into the grass and drinking my morning cacao with full presence. The tools I learned changed my emotional state in the moment. But they also allowed me to let go of all the emotions from the past that were still stuck in my body. The overwhelm from that moment where I decided to stop feeling anything was still stuck in my system because I never closed the loop. When animals get into a life or death situation, Their last resort is to freeze and pretend that they are dead. When the threat is gone, They get up, Shake it off and go on with their life. That's the loop. I never shook it off. Years of emotional abuse were still stuck in my body. In the moment I went through these experiences as a child and teenager, I wasn't able to process and deal with them. So my nervous system did the only logical thing. Stay in freeze and decide to numb out. It was a necessary survival strategy. But I never got the memo that I'm a grown up woman now that can hold herself emotionally. I had to relearn that. I had to teach my nervous system safety and then guide my body to release all the things from the past. And once I did that, I could stay. Stay in my newly found dream life even if I had not figured it all out yet. I could stay in spite of all the forces pulling me back to my old life. Back to emotional and material security. But I really didn't want to go back to a life that made me so unhappy just because my nervous system perceives it as so much safer. Because it is familiar. It is the same reason people stay with their abusive partners. There is no logic for anyone outside of the experience. But the perceived safety of the familiarity is what makes people stay. Because who knows what is on the other side of leaving. This mechanism keeps a lot of us stuck in a life that isn't really what we want. A job that we hate but pays the bills. A relationship that is only okay at best but at least we are not alone. Going to events that do not resonate but at least we have something to do. The fear of not knowing what is on the other side of leaving is what holds us back. And why? Because we were told that safety is something external. Something that needs to be achieved through a career, The perfect family, Nice clothes, Being nice to everyone and prioritizing other people's needs. But that's a lie. The only place we can truly feel safe is in our own body. And the only person we can trust that will always be there for us is ourselves. That 15 year old girl in the park made the best decision she could. But she doesn't need to protect me anymore. I've got both our backs now.