How to Be More At Ease Around 'Others'

28:01

28:01

How to Be More At Ease Around 'Others'

by Rachael Ebanks-Gold

Rated

4.8

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

699

This talk is for anyone who struggles with low confidence, awkwardness, shyness, or self-consciousness when alone in public, or in groups, in meetings, at networking events, or in public speaking situations. Rachael shares her thoughts based on her own experience of social anxiety, and shares ways to reconnect with your truest self so that you can move past fear and let yourself be. Let your light shine through. You belong here.

Social Anxiety Belonging Self Acceptance Self Compassion Mindfulness Confidence Shyness Public Speaking Self Consciousness Mindfulness In Daily Life Visualizations

Meet your Teacher

Rachael Ebanks-Gold

Tenerife, Spain

Meet your Teacher

Rachael Ebanks-Gold

Tenerife, Spain

Transcript

Hello there! I hope you're well and I hope you're ready for today's chat. So this is going to be all about feeling more comfortable around others. So it's for you if you've ever struggled with shyness, Social anxiety, Low self-esteem or low confidence and maybe there are certain situations in life where you feel really out of your comfort zone. So it could be simple situations like you're eating out or shopping or walking alone, You're maybe in large groups like networking events or team meetings or social events where you are around strangers. Or it could be a public speaking situation that kind of makes you feel unease. So I'm going to be sharing what has helped me because this is something that I've personally struggled with. I've always been fairly introverted and I even remember a time when I was about 2 or 3 and my mum had taken me to her friend's house to meet her friend who had kids and introduced me by saying, That's Rachel, She's shy. I remember her saying and I was like literally hiding behind her legs, Refusing to be seen. And this kind of stayed with me, This is really like was the start of how it was for me for a very very very long time and obviously fragments of my personality are still very much like that. So as a child I remember being in sort of summer school situations where you would be kind of grouped with people your age and you know sometimes it was great and I met someone lovely but sometimes I just kind of sat there and didn't say a word and just felt very like I want to go home. And this kind of then seeped into my young adulthood when I felt it was absolutely necessary to play music in my headphones any time I left the house it just felt very alien and very uncomfortable to be exposed to the cold harsh world, Is what I used to say, Without you know some level of shielding. And then kind of later in my early 20s, Late 20s being in the kind of professional world and being in team meetings which were just absolutely tortuous. So if any of this is resonating I want to let you know that you are not alone, If you do have those moments where you feel really self conscious and you know you're just lacking in confidence and you're unable to just let yourself shine through and be, It's totally normal, It's a frustrating thing to deal with I know, But try not to beat yourself up about it. So before I get onto some practical tips that I will recommend that you take away and try to, In order to kind of gain back some power, A few thoughts to share. So first is that we've identified that there are certain times when we feel uncomfortable, Awkward, Uneasy around others and really what's happening here is that we are hyper aware of a sense that we are separate from others. And this makes sense because you know when you think of the term self conscious that's exactly what it is, It's this sense of, This heightened awareness of the self. So there's this sense of I being completely separate from that other or those others over there. And this is important because other means unfamiliar, Unknown, Not part of the tribe and therefore a potential threat. So naturally we feel vulnerable on high alert, Especially if we've grown up with beliefs like I don't fit in or I'm not good enough or people are unfriendly and unkind. So as a result of this vulnerability, This sense of unease, Depending on the situation we're probably going to be very concerned about how we're coming across to other people or overly analysing the situation or other people's reactions or our surroundings. In other words we're not at ease in ourselves, We're out of alignment, We're unable to just let ourselves be. And as a consequence of this state of fear and misalignment what happens? We contract, We've contracted and because of that contraction we've kind of closed ourselves off mentally, Emotionally, Possibly even physically. We can't enjoy the moment, We can't fully enjoy what's nice about this situation. There's going to be some positive aspects of most situations, You know, Whether it's going for a walk or even in a boring team meeting there's probably something positive that we aren't able to actually sense and enjoy because we're completely stuck in our heads and focused on this sense of danger. So that's one, We're not really enjoying the moment and the other is that we're probably not coming across as well as we actually could. Now I know that just sounds like another stressful thing to worry about but it's worth just considering, Even just as a motivator for really trying to start to shift our responses over time. But yeah we're not coming across as well, So the light within us, There's light within all of us that shines but it gets blocked sometimes due to fear and due to limiting beliefs and when it's blocked we're unable to let that light shine through, The truth of us shine through. And on top of that people might sense our nervous energy and they might take advantage of it depending on who they are or maybe they just feel nervous too as a result. So again this sounds pretty frustrating and unpleasant and it may be, You may feel like this is limiting your life but like all things, All habits, All ways of being, They are changeable. So now I want to share with you some of the things that I have found helpful in making me loosen up and stay centred in who I am and be more able to engage with life and you know past things, Moments that have been scary in the past, Just kind of engaging with it from a different state, A different position. Now I won't lie, You know I'm a work in progress so I haven't mastered this stuff but I'm definitely feeling more and more and more empowered and able to enjoy things that perhaps I would have just been completely stuck up in my head before. So number one tip is remember what's possible. So this is all about imagining and reconnecting and remembering how the true you really is and imagining how your higher self would feel and be in these situations where you usually feel uncomfortable. So to illustrate this I want you to think of situations that tend to make you feel self conscious. So as I mentioned it could be things like being in a team meeting, It could be being around a certain group of people, Maybe friends or acquaintances, It could be just being out on your own, Outside on your own in public. So just noting what are the situations that tend to make me feel self conscious and uncomfortable. Great so the next question is what is your reaction? So when you're in these situations what tends to happen? So thinking internally, So the emotions, The thoughts, The body sensations and then also externally like how are you interacting with the situation or the people. So just being aware of what that looks like, Your reaction in these uncomfortable moments. So you can write these down or just kind of think of them in your head. So we've got a clear picture then of the situations that kind of trigger us into a state of fear and uneasiness and we've identified what we tend to do in these moments. So now I want you to imagine your higher self, So this is you but without the fear essentially and if that doesn't kind of make it clear enough for you then just think about a situation, An event, A past event, A memory where you were happy, You were completely at ease with maybe you were hanging out with your friends or your spouse or family members and you were having the best time. You were laughing maybe, Smiling, Just being really generous and open hearted and maybe it's a moment that you just cherish when you look back on it. So that essentially is your higher self, That's a state in which you had no fear, In which you were completely open hearted, Completely responsive to the people around you, To your environment, Completely in the moment, Completely in your body rather than up in your head. So now I want you to imagine how your higher self would be in this situation that usually makes you feel uncomfortable. So again you can write this down or you can just think about it. So considering your facial expression, Your body language, Your tone of voice, Of speaking, Sense how you might feel physically in your body. What emotions might you be experiencing as your higher self in this situation? Also, What pleasant things might you be able to notice in others or in your surroundings that maybe you weren't noticing before? And how might others feel around this version of you? How might others respond to this version of you in these situations? So hopefully you have a nice clear understanding and image of how the true you, The you that isn't affected by fear, Would be, Would allow themselves to be in this, In these situations, In these common life events, These life situations and circumstances. Now I want you to see this version of you as you because it is. There is no difference. It's only recognising when you have shifted into a state of fear and deciding to shift back, Deciding to allow yourself to be, Allowing yourself to be your true self. Now again I recognise that it does take time, This isn't an instantaneous thing but I think it's really important to remember because I think often when we get stuck in these like unhelpful habits and emotional responses to things we start to believe that that is us and I think it's really powerful to note that actually that isn't the true me, That's the scared me and you can accept that and be compassionate towards that scared version whilst also going actually I can be this bigger me, This higher me, This stronger me and once you start to engage with that idea in your mind it becomes a lot easier to be that in real life because if we only ever view ourselves as this scared person who's x, Y and z, Whatever things that you tell yourself that aren't very positive, If we only have this version of ourselves in mind then it's very hard to change, It's like impossible really. Whereas if we can actually open up our perception and see actually that's not really me, That's like one part of me but there's this other part that isn't scared and that is everything I want to be so that's why I wanted to kind of get you reconnecting with this higher version of you. So now we've done that, Now we know what's possible when you let yourself be, Let's increase the chances that you will actually remember to access this part of you more and more and more in your life so that you can live freely, Happily, Joyfully, Without fear. So here is where I introduce a tool called linking, It's a really powerful tool I find. So it's called linking because essentially by connecting or linking a positive reaction to an event or a situation with the negative reaction, So our habitual way of doing things and feeling and thinking, We start to weaken that negative reaction so essentially your brain will start to realise that actually you have a choice in how you respond in this situation. So you know on the theme that we're talking about here, The choice would be to be uncomfortable, To close up and shut down and you know go very quiet or be totally up in your head or thinking the worst of people or thinking the worst of what they think of you. So that's one path but there's another now and that is to be comfortable, To be yourself, To be rooted in your body, To be open to all the positive aspects of this experience, To be less bothered about what people think about you and more concerned with how they feel, Like wanting them to feel good, Wanting you to feel good. So this is you know the difference between having our, Having an event trigger this fast track to a response, To a reaction, An old reaction or having an event trigger two options, Two paths to go down. So that's what linking is all about. So essentially what we want to do is when the negative reaction comes up in a particular situation, So that may be in anticipation of an event, Maybe when we're just thinking about oh god I've got to go to that meeting today or whatever it is or it could be during the actual event itself. So we want to consciously hold the positive reaction in mind as well as the negative reaction. So we have this thing coming up and immediately we're starting to panic and we want to start thinking about the other way of being, Like okay yeah that's me from the past, That's my typical response over there. But as you think about that letting that be a prompt to consider this bigger, Stronger, More loving, More open version of you and how they would respond. So holding the two of those in mind. And so as I said by doing this we kind of, The two things become interconnected so that when the negative response gets switched on there are fragments of the positive to remind you that you have a choice. So the way we do that is really just kind of bringing to mind that higher self response as we just did and feeling it in your body, So seeing it, Seeing yourself doing the things in the way that you really want to and that is true to you. And noting how it feels in your body, Noting why it's so good to be like this, Noting all the positive consequences of it, So just making the experiences sensory and detailed as possible because that is where your brain is going to start to deepen its memory of this version of you. So as you do that, Like I said every time you have this habitual response you know immediately there's another way, There is another way and I have a choice, Which one am I going to reinforce today. So that brings me to the last strategy and this is going to help you access that higher self state of being in the moment, So at the restaurant, At the meeting, On the street, So the moment that you need it, The moment when you feel like you're about to get into that mode of high alert. And the strategy is essentially expanding your sense of self to include others. Why this is so helpful is because at the root of our reaction remember, At the root of our self consciousness is the I versus other concept. And this is a concept because our bodies are separate but our souls are not. We're all infinitely connected through consciousness and energy and it's easy to forget this when we are covered in skin and there's you know we look all different but that's the truth. Our bodies are the separation but our souls are all connected. And I like this analogy that we're like water in the ocean so if you imagine that the ocean is the, Is consciousness. Okay so this is ground, Vast ocean of consciousness and we can take a bucket and fill it with water from this ocean of consciousness and although on the outside you might be a different bucket from the bucket over there, Maybe it's a different colour or whatever, But inside you are both of the ocean. So my suggestion, Something I found eye opening and quite fun is to play around with this idea, This perception when you go out, When you're in those awkward situations. So for example let's say you're going for a walk and when you go for this walk or you're in this situation I want you to imagine that there's a sphere of light around you and that represents your sense of self. Now in the beginning the sense of self is only including your body. However as you walk or as you engage or do whatever it is that you're doing, I want you to imagine that it's getting bigger and bigger so that your sense of self includes increasingly more of what you can see in your environment. The trees, The birds, The cars, The people on the other side of the road. So that sense of self, That sphere of self keeps expanding until it includes everything. Everything is you. And as you do that, Notice how you feel in your body. Notice that sense of expansion and releasing of tension and lightness. Just noticing whatever is coming up when you do that. So you could be doing this now or as I said when you go out next. When you do that I want you to also notice how you feel about the things, The animals or the people that are in your sphere. The people, The animals, The things that are essentially you. How does your feelings towards those things and those people and those animals change? How is it different to what you normally feel? Also as you do this I want you to notice that like you, Those animals or those people have pains, Fears, Struggles. Notice that like you they also want to be accepted, Respected, Loved, Happy. I want you to look at all of that that's contained in your sphere of self and feel how each of you, Regardless of your outer shell, Each of you are perfect. Each of you belong here. So that alone, That expanding my sense of self has been a game changer for me. I did it first when I was driving along on the way to a market to get some vegetables and you know the anxiety that I may have felt going out on my own just kind of dissipated and it just felt like life was my playground and we were all friends. So it does take practice and you do have to keep nudging yourself to shift you know to take this expanded liberating view because the brain does love to go back to old habits so you do need to be proactive in helping it create new pathways but it's certainly worth trying so I hope you find it helpful. And that is pretty much it for today so thank you for listening I hope that all my ramblings have been helpful. And if there's one thing that I want you to take away from today's chat is that you belong here no matter what you look like, No matter your state of health, Your finances, Your job, Your location, Your marital status, Whether you've got kids or not, None of that matters. None of that matters. See in what ways, Maybe small ways at first and bigger and bigger ways that you can just let yourself be. Let your light, Sounds a bit cliche doesn't it, Let your light shine but the truth is you have a light within you and it's being blocked by fear, By limiting habits and the more you can start to remove those blockages the happier you'll be and the brighter you'll shine. You belong here, Full stop. So see if you can just let yourself be. Alrighty, Take care, Bye.