Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa a Romano.
I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast so for those of us who are on the path to emotional recovery those of us who were either raised by alcoholic parents or narcissistic parents We know the pain of abandonment trauma and quite often those of us who come from those types of backgrounds Develop codependency as a way to cope codependency becomes a survival strategy when our Childhoods are abrasive when we feel rejected when we feel abandoned when the feelings and the experiences Of the little ones go ignored when parents problems always trump the problems of the children That's not the way it's supposed to be dear ones The problems of the children are supposed to be recognized They're supposed to be validated and they're supposed to be dealt with but when you come from a dysfunctional or a toxic home That doesn't happen.
And so as the defense strategy as a survival strategy many of us from homes like that develop codependency We end up fawning we end up people-pleasing we end up subjugating our needs.
We don't know how we feel No one asks us how we felt and so we grow up with this subconscious programming and we are unconscious to it We don't know that we are neurologically wired to not talk about our feelings deeper than that We are neurologically wired to think that there's something wrong with our perception of reality We are neurologically wired to think that we have no right to feel our feelings We don't even know how to look within we have no idea of what it means to Honor what's happening to us on the inside?
And that is why so many from toxic homes become codependent they become other focus because we become very good at Anticipating the needs of other people as a way to stay safe You end up fawning as a way to stay stay safe.
You end up subjugating as a way to stay safe You keep the focus on other people you ask a lot of questions You smile a lot you laugh when you think you should laugh and you keep the focus on others So that you don't have to divulge any information about yourself so that you can feel safe in that experience and This is why I often teach my clients and I drive it home in the online courses that I create that You know you as a codependent person Although you might crave to feel seen you might at the same time fear being seen as well And why wouldn't you feel that way of course you'd feel that way Because you've been conditioned to believe that what's going on inside of you is wrong,
Or it's irrelevant So there's a lot of shame there Now when we grow up under these circumstances we often attract people who expect us to please them and narcissists and codependents tend to be hand-in-glove type of relationships a codependent is groomed to think that it is their job to please other people and A narcissist on the other hand believes that other people exist to please them They tend to be people in our society that have a certain sense of entitlement Rules don't apply to them.
They are people who are empathy impaired You can actually look into the eyes of a narcissist and know that they're struggling to understand where you're coming from Emotionally and if you've ever had that experience is rather frightening to look into the eyes of someone and know they have no idea What it is you're talking about and you know that?
You wanting to feel seen and feel heard and to join this person to rendezvous with this person on this emotional Carpet where you feel understood ain't gonna happen now what will really help shift you and Help you move into a higher state of consciousness And what will really help you heal is when you stop doing the thing that you do That keeps you hooked when it comes to a narcissist and that is caring what someone else thinks about you Now across the board whether we are dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic or not we have to learn to be accountable for how we feel and that can be a struggle for someone who has abandonment trauma or someone who has insecurities Because below the veil of consciousness,
We're constantly trying to get that unmet need.
Can you see me?
Can you hear me?
You understand where I'm coming from and When it comes to people who are highly narcissistic they exploit that need in you They can smell it in you your need to feel seen your need to feel loved your need to be told that you're beautiful And so we have to be careful those of us who come from Wounded homes those of us who have these invisible scars we have to be careful when we're out and about because we are emitting a certain frequency and Oftentimes people who are highly manipulative people who are highly narcissistic They will exploit those needs and across the board a narcissist will target just about anybody So you can be someone who doesn't even have childhood trauma and You could be highly empathetic You could be highly forgiving and you could be someone that believes that hard work pays off across the board So in your career,
You know that if you go to work early and if you're the last person to leave and if you don't give up on that goal,
You're probably going to succeed and That carries over into relationships.
So you just assume that Relationships are hard sometimes and so you just keep trying and trying and trying and trying And you're really not paying attention to the energetic cost that has on you You're not paying attention to the psychological drain You're literally wired to keep going like the energizer bunny and to never give up until you figure it out So you're someone even if you don't have a lot of trauma.
You're someone who could find yourself Involved in a narcissistic relationship and not even know it what I would like to share with everybody is a hack that really changed my life and I'm so grateful that I found it and in my case.
I found it on the path to healing from codependency Codependency was the doorway that really allowed me to heal it allowed me to see my shadows It allowed me to understand myself in a very compassionate way at first when I started to really Reconcile my codependency.
I was full of shame because I realized that I was part of the problem I realized that I wasn't the best mother to my children that I was lost in drama I was trying to fix things that I had no right to fix I was trying to control how my ex-husband saw me and how he treated me.
I was and I got lost in that because I was dealing with someone who in my opinion the harder I try to be understood the greater the stack was against me and The more he seemed to delight in not understanding me it was almost as if he knew that I needed oxygen and the more I begged for oxygen the less he was willing to give it to me and Energetically,
I get it because it felt like I was trying to control it out of him He wasn't offering it of his own accord and I get that but I do believe that both of us were toxic I do believe that I was wounded I know I was and when you are wounded you don't pick the best partners and I take accountability for that So as I was healing and learning about codependency There was this initial shock and horror that I am NOT the sweetie pie.
I thought I was there's a lot of control going on here and a lot of anger and a lot of resentment and a lot of Frustration and a lot of I'm in my own head going on here But as I stayed on the road to recovery and as I committed to healing from codependency I began to understand myself in a completely different light I began to understand the wounded little girl who was born to two adult children of alcoholics and how I had been groomed Literally groomed to worry about what everybody else thought about me from the strangers in the street to the neighbors next door To what my teachers thought when I went to school to the nuns at church I mean literally it was like what are people going to think that was drilled into my head as a little girl so obviously if I am feeling abandoned as a child and The message that I got was you're not good enough and what other people think about you is more important that wouldn't then what you think About you then I am an adult woman that is chasing Approval like a horse chases a carrot or an apple.
I am a feather in the wind My power is outside of me what you think about me what anybody thinks about me Has the potential to cripple me emotionally mentally spiritually even physically and financially I will be drained because my Longitude latitude where I think I'm going has nothing to do with me being able to hold on to myself And captain my own ship I am literally like a ship that is bobbing on the ocean water With the captain asleep at the wheel I have no idea where I am and I certainly don't have any idea where I'm going Those of us who are on the healing path who are able to gain some type of emotional control and mental clarity We're able to identify where we are so identifying your boo-boos identifying perhaps if you are codependent Identifying why you might be codependent is critical It tells you where you are a cruise ship can't get to the Bahamas unless it knows first where it is So that's what I'm talking about your emotional coordinates.
Where are you?
How do you respond to people?
What are your triggers and why do you think that they are your triggers?
These are really important questions.
And when I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together I began to understand myself from this higher state of awareness I had tremendous compassion for the little girl that I was who was programmed to worry about what everybody else thought about her I began to develop compassion for the 12 year old who struggled with suicidal ideation I began to have compassion for the 15 year old that was love crazed and would rush home after school Literally throw my books on the floor of my room and race to my boyfriend's house knowing that he was timing me Trying to prove to him that he was everything to me and never really taking the time to question Why I was behaving that way so his love and his approval.
They were the carrot.
They were the apple They were the Holy Grail.
I didn't even know I was doing it.
I was just constantly Seeking some sense of love from the outside.
Why because I never got it when I was little girl That's not my fault.
And if that's your life story,
That's not your fault Now the relationship hack is a communication hack with yourself Meaning that when you notice that you are more worried about what other people think about you when you hear yourself saying I know what she thinks or I know why he Did that or I know what that person thinks about me or I wonder what that person thinks about me Or that person probably thinks I'm pathetic that person probably thinks I'm a fool That is when you have to catch those thoughts Those thoughts are dark thoughts and they are not Rational thoughts because the reality is you don't really know what people are thinking about you Wounded people tend to think the worst about themselves We think the best about other people quite often But when it comes to the self we believe less about ourself than we do others We believe that other people think less of us Meanwhile,
The people outside of us could think wow that was really heroic of her or I'm so proud of her for Telling me no or good for her for going out there and going after the career that she really wants But what we hear inside our head is very negative Very very different than what could be potentially happening between the ears of other people When this hit me square in the forehead it changed my life forever I had a conversation with myself and realized I could never really know What was happening inside the mind of other people?
But why was it that my assumptions were always negative and that is because of childhood?
That is because as a little girl I did not hear positive things I was not reinforced in a positive way.
I was criticized So,
Of course as I as a little girl,
I'm brainwashed to think well The world is criticizing me because that was my reality as little girl.
I was never good enough My parents only criticized they didn't praise and so of course I'm assuming that that is what is happening outside of me as an adult Certainly people are criticizing me that becomes a blueprint It becomes an expectation and then the answer is at least we think so that people have to think Pleasantly about us.
So we try to control how people see us and If you're codependent and you're in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic That is a recipe for disaster because the narcissist will know That you are dependent upon their approval The relationship hack is essentially you saying I no longer care what other people think about me and I know Just from a realistic point of view not an emotional point of view because your emotions aren't always rational But from a realistic point of view you can't really control what someone thinks about you nor should you try?
That's a Simple thing for me to say it just spews from my lips But it is not an easy place to get to mentally emotionally Cognitively spiritually and psychologically it just isn't but it's worth striving for When you realize that you are more worried about what other people think about you than what you think about you There's freedom in that because what you're saying is my happiness My sense of self is dependent upon this other person and that is essentially you Giving this person power and control over you now If you're dealing with someone who is relatively healthy that will feel comfortable for them that person will want you to feel your own feeling a healthy person will ask you how you feel a healthy person will hold space for you an unhealthy person is going to argue what you think an unhealthy person is not going to give you the space to have your own thoughts an Unhealthy person is going to want you to worry more about what they think about you.
That's a really important clarification If you are the type of person who is dependent upon What other people think about you that is something that you have to work towards letting go of you have to work towards Realizing and catching your thoughts.
This is huge.
There is no long-lasting healing without an elevation in consciousness There is no way to heal from the past and to undo these neurological knots in the mind Until you raise your consciousness Until you get to a point where you're able to observe the way that your mind thinks you're stuck because the mind can only play with the tools that are in the shed and We are 95% subconscious 95% of the time so that means we're not creating we're regurgitating That means that if I as a little girl was programmed to worry about what other people thought about me Then I as an adult I am still worrying about what other people think about me and so when I think that the idea is or the goal is to convince someone who Doesn't like me very much that I am worthy of love I am worthy of acceptance Then I'm not going to feel comfortable around people who just accept me right off the bat who are healthy and who are just wanting to explore who I am and getting to know me more and Nor will I find that person attractive because I'm not tuned up for them.
No.
No,
No,
It's too easy I have to convince you that I'm good enough.
You don't understand I have to beg for your approval.
You're just giving me approval.
No,
That's boring.
That doesn't fit So it's important that if we are people who are seeking validation We are dependent upon what other people think about us Then that person is always going to be able to hold our power over us When you realize that your sense of self is dependent upon someone else That's a moment of self empowerment That's when you get to say I'm no longer going to wrap myself up in worrying about what you think about me Instead I'm going to take my power back and I'm going to worry what I think about me.
I know that I'm not perfect I know that I have shadows,
But I'm working on them and I'm not ashamed of them anymore And I think it's also important dear one that you realize that there are no shadows without the light So within you are shadows,
But so is the light and there would be no shadow without a light.
So don't forget that It's totally absolutely appropriate to know that you're an imperfect person and that you're on the path to emotional recovery and that you struggle with worrying about what other people think about you and You are now on the path of pulling the reins back You are now saying to yourself what I think about me is more important than what other people think about me The real linchpin here,
Which I think is fabulous if I do say so myself is that people only perceive you through their lens and their lens is really affected by their experiences and so the person that you're trying to get To see you the way you want them to see you can't They just can't most people will never get you most people will never see you as you truly are Because they're looking at you through their own lens they're going to project who they think you are on to you and No matter what you do You're never going to be able to change that when you're dealing with a narcissist after they've hoovered you in after they've They have made you this center of their life after they've idealized you and by the way Narcissus idealize you not for you They idealize you for them because they have to idealize you because aren't they great because they picked you You have to be amazing in their head because nothing else makes sense So in the beginning you will be idealized and you'll feel like the bell of the ball But narcissists grow bored easily and in time they will begin to devalue you because They need another shiny toy to play with and they will punish you for being human and they will project Facets of their personality that they can't accept on to you And if you're not careful like so many people do you will spend your life Feeling wounded by what a narcissist projects on to you however,
If you heed this advice if you start paying attention to how you feel about you if You pull your mind back from worrying about what other people think about you We do this all the time You can walk into a grocery store and spill your change on the floor and immediately your mind can go Oh everyone around me must think I'm such an idiot and yet you could have people That are standing around you and certainly if I was standing Beside you I'd want to help you pick up that change I would have empathy for you.
So you see you never really know what other people are thinking So you want to be careful when you're assuming,
You know What other people think super important if you are in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic They will exploit your need to feel seen they will exploit your need to feel understood and so if you understand that the only person's opinion that really matters up to You is your opinion of you your own opinion of self Then you are going to be much less likely to stand there and argue and defend and try to feel seen by someone Who cannot see you?
When you are dealing with people who cannot see you it's up to you to decide what you want to do about that You can be in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic and will exploit you or you could be in a relationship with someone who's very healthy and just Doesn't always understand where you're coming from But that person doesn't exploit you that person does have empathy for you.
They try to understand you They don't beat you down because you feel something other than what they feel and they don't Exploit you or make fun of you because they don't get it.
You see the idea is to Understand that nobody in the world has to get you in order for you to get you The only person that needs to understand you is you and the more you heal the less you need other people to understand you Because you understand you this is definitely my story before I understood myself I really wanted my ex-husband to understand me I craved it and the more I wanted him to understand me it seemed like the less he was willing to do that and as I went through a bunch of relationships that were worse than the last one and I really had to take a hard look at the way I was showing up in life and how I was giving men power over me and when I took stock of that when I took accountability for that and said I'm not going to Allow men or friends or anyone my family members to have control over the way that I feel about myself So that means my opinion of myself has to matter more than everyone else's opinion of me and that involved a lot of spiritual growth that involved a lot of codependent recovery,
And I'm so grateful for it and By the time I met my husband Anthony the need to feel seen had pretty much Been dissolved because I was seeing myself.
I was loving myself.
I loved my inner child I was embracing my inner child.
I was talking to myself in a healthy way.
You got this.
It's okay You fell off the horse.
Just try again tomorrow No need to beat yourself up.
You're a work in progress I would speak to myself with compassion and the more that I spoke to myself with compassion The less I expected and needed anybody else outside of me to understand me I was diligent with my emotional recovery work and I felt so empowered and I still do and the difference between the healthy relationship and the unhealthy relationship that I was in is that I am now with someone who Doesn't enjoy kicking me when I'm down.
I'm with someone who is Okay that I don't think exactly like he does and I'm okay Knowing that he doesn't think exactly like I do and I don't hold it against him And he doesn't hold it against me We accept one another and it just feels so beautiful and you are entitled to that that is your birthright But I can tell you that the longer you expect other people to get you the less you understand the self The more you need to feel seen and understood by the outside world the less power that you have in your own life So I hope that this session has helped you understand the value of holding on to yourself the value of understanding the self the value of loving the self and the value of Healing the self because dear one you are enough and you have nothing to prove and the more you love yourself the more compassion You have for yourself the less anyone dear one and control you Namaste until next time as I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you.
Bye for now
