Hey,
It's really good you've taken a moment for yourself.
I'm imagining you climbing the walls thinking,
Get me away from these kids,
But of course that's a bit of a cliche.
Whatever brought you here to this audio,
I'm really glad you've reached out.
Take a moment to just notice what's going on for you right now.
Maybe you're feeling overloaded and stressed by too many demands.
Maybe you're actually feeling far away from your kids and it hurts.
You feel guilty.
You long to be closer.
You worry about the impact on them.
Whatever your version of this,
Let's just pause so you can feel the sensations in your body related to this.
That's right.
See if you can breathe a bit more deeply.
It's okay that you have these uncomfortable feelings.
You are good enough and your kids love you.
You are the most important thing to them.
You might be able to remember ways in which you've turned away from your kids,
Ways in which you've busied yourself or pulled away.
See if you can notice what's underneath that.
What's the feeling just before you pull away?
Let's just be with that for a moment.
And I don't want you to judge yourself.
If there are any self depreciating voices,
We can just put those aside for the minute.
Just stay with the overwhelm or panic that kicks in just before you need to take space.
It may be really subtle.
That's it.
Just be with that sensation in your belly or your chest or your throat or your jaw or face.
Stay with this feeling and see if you can feel your way back to any early experiences of this same overwhelm.
When was it safer to take space than to stay close?
See your body has been doing something clever all along.
These feelings of overwhelm are a message that you need some time to regulate yourself and it has always felt safer to do that on your own because other people can be unreliable.
Now picture your kids and all the things they need from you.
Could be closeness,
Could be listening to their feelings or the whole mental load of what everyone needs.
It's a lot and it's ongoing and relentless.
You're right to feel overwhelmed by this.
It's common when you're in this avoidant pattern to make up stories about your own okayness or that of your loved ones and these stories seem so compelling while you are swamped.
You are doing beautifully.
You don't need to be hard on yourself.
My guess is your relationship with your kids is more okay than it feels right now.
Probably you're going to get to a place where you can just enjoy them.
They are really good kids and you are a devoted parent.
Keep on taking time to be with the feelings underneath those behaviours.
You might need someone to pour it all out to.
If you're not familiar with listening partnerships I recommend looking that up.
I hope this has been helpful,
At least a little bit.
Bless on you wonderful thing.
