Managing Parental Anxiety

32:00

Managing Parental Anxiety

by Vashti Summervill

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

1

Experiencing parental anxiety is completely normal AND we can unnecessarily feed and grow it until it becomes so much bigger than it needs to be. In this talk you will learn techniques for reducing and managing parental anxiety by: -Learning to recognize habitual thinking patterns that likely aren’t serving you or your child. -Raising awareness around when you may be problem solving for your child in an effort to sooth your own anxiety. -Reducing anxiety by practicing widening your perspective, approaching yourself and your child with greater curiosity and empathy and avoiding "catastrophizing." -Slowing down and allowing space between stimuli and reaction to reduce feeding anxiety.

Anxiety Parenting Emotional Regulation Self Compassion Curiosity Empathy Mindfulness Self Care Emotional Resilience Parenting Challenges Thought Management Present Moment Awareness

Meet your Teacher

Vashti Summervill

Boise, ID, USA

Meet your Teacher

Vashti Summervill

Boise, ID, USA

Transcript

Welcome to this talk on managing parental anxiety. No matter your situation or the age of your children, Even if they are already adults, The action you are taking to seek support and new tools reinforces that you are already doing a great job as a parent. We don't hear those words very often, So I'm going to say them again. You are doing a great job at the toughest job there is. Today, I'm going to offer some tools for managing parental anxiety. And I want you to think of me as the middle woman here. I introduce you to information and concepts that come from a variety of sources. So I invite you to take what is useful and toss the rest. I am a professional but I am also a parent and I'm in the big messy boat with you. I'm riding the waves, Continually learning and trying to do better each day in my own life. Parenting and anxiety seem almost inseparable. We have been given this mission of raising this young human, Yet there is no instruction manual for doing so. And the curveballs keep on coming. And as you likely know, There is no one right way to parent. There are so many variables. Each family is unique. Each individual in the family has their own unique wiring or operating system. And so much of our operating system comes from the complexity of what has been passed on to us from past generations. And we are parenting within the container of culture and all that is going on in this really complicated world. So a one-size-fits-all instruction manual could never be created. Perhaps you are listening today because your child is experiencing some struggles, Maybe a relatively small struggle. But we as parents, Myself included, We are often experts at catastrophizing and imagining this struggle becoming a full-on disaster. Now, Perhaps you are here because your child is experiencing a more serious challenge and you're feeling smothered by your anxiety. Lost and perhaps unsure what your next best course of action is. I'm going to guess that many of us feel we did not receive enough education around learning how to manage anxiety, Thoughts, And emotions. Therefore, We are often controlled by our anxiety, Thoughts, And emotions. I'm going to read some reflection statements. I invite you to answer each statement after I read it with agree or disagree. I was given enough training as a young person on how to handle difficult emotions. I was taught as a young person about habit thinking and thought management. I can sit still with uncomfortable emotions. When my child is experiencing something uncomfortable or challenging, It makes me uncomfortable and I go into problem-solving mode. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing and articulating what is bothering me. I can still feel peace when I am living with uncertainty. I can see learning opportunities in all situations. I look at mistakes and failures as invitations to learn and grow. I feel confident in my ability to handle difficult emotions. I feel confident in my child's ability to handle difficult emotions. Once again, My guess is that most of us weren't taught enough about navigating anxiety and examining and working through our thoughts and feelings. Our parents likely weren't taught this. And our parents' parents probably also were not taught this. And therefore, We might not know how to help our children learn to manage all of this. The hopeful part to me is that we have the ability to change how we relate to and manage thoughts, Feelings, And anxiety, And in turn, Model a new way for our own children to manage their thoughts, Emotions, And anxiety. Change is possible, And most of us are doing the best we can with what we know. So now is a really good time to infuse some self-compassion. Just as most of us have a struggle with chronic parental anxiety. We're also lacking in self-compassion. I invite you to pause now and craft a compassion statement. An example of a compassion statement might read something like this. I am in a constant state of learning and growing. I am proud of myself for rolling up my sleeves and trying to do better each day. My mistakes are for learning, Not for beating myself up with. A 23-year-old friend, For whom I consider myself a mentor, Recently asked what I see as the skill people under 30 are still needing to develop. And what I came up with was a skill that seems to be underdeveloped in people of all ages. Most of us haven't developed the skill of questioning our thoughts. We easily get caught in our stories and assign meaning to events and interactions. Meaning that isn't. Always true. It's not often true. We forget that thoughts are not facts. So can we begin to recognize there are many noisy channels in our mind and that we do have some choice in which channel we choose? Much of what is going on up there is just nonsense chatter. And our evolutionary habit of scanning for threats, Dangers. We are the descendants of the nervous people, Right? The ones who survived some really dangerous situations like huge predatory animals from back in caveman days. So we are wired, We are hardwired to be in the habit of scanning for threats and danger. Now, In reality, Most of us are completely safe in this moment. Most of us are fortunate that our children are also safe in this moment. So can we practice being fully present? Focused and aware of what it is that we are doing now and what is actually happening now. As opposed to being lost in the stories about the past, Which are often filled with regrets or resentments, Or more likely we're lost in anxiety and worry over the future. And our to-do lists. When we are worrying about things that aren't happening now, Things that might not happen in the future. We are missing the miracle of life that is happening now. When we are stuck in anxiety, About the what ifs of the future. We are missing precious moments with our children and other people. Because we are unable to be present for life as it is actually unfolding. There's a proverb of unknown origin that goes like this. You can't keep the birds of worry from circling your head. But you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. We are never going to get rid of anxiety. It is a normal part of life. Everyone has anxiety. So how do we keep from unnecessarily feeding and growing it? I'm going to offer four tools. They are name it to tame it. Take wise action. Approach with curiosity and empathy. And finally, Power in the paws. These tools can be applied no matter the age of your children. However, I do invite you to adapt these tools to the age and developmental level of your individual child. And many of you might be parenting young adults and not so young adults. It is never too late to try new approaches. You are modeling being a lifelong learner. And you're modeling what it means to have a growth mindset. Author Stephen Covey says, When you raise your children, You are also raising your grandchildren. So let's look at the first tool, Name it to tame it. This is a phrase developed by a psychiatrist, Educator, And author named Dan Siegel. Can we examine our thoughts as a more objective observer? Name the feelings coming up, And then work to discover the root causes. This action will often take away some of the power of the thought and can decrease the intensity of the feelings coming up. This step can also help us look at what we are experiencing with greater wisdom and don't forget compassion. So is the thought that is causing anxiety the result of something that is actually going on. Or are we getting caught up in some habit thinking and catastrophizing? Becoming aware of our habitual thinking patterns that aren't necessarily connected to reality. And certainly aren't serving us in productive ways is a powerful tool for decreasing and managing anxiety. As we develop and practice the skill of being aware of when we are slipping into habit thinking, We can simply name it. Hello, Habit thinking. There you are, I see you. So now you are aware that it is habit thinking and you can make a choice to change course instead of getting lost in the story and feeding whatever narrative is going on. Now, Maybe your thoughts and feelings aren't just habit thinking and they're connected to something that is actually happening. Perhaps something is happening that is very concerning. Some examples. Of course you are scared about finding out your kid is using drugs or alcohol. Of course you are scared if you find out your kid is self-harming or thinking about self-harming. And yes, You feel scared if your kid is in a car driving somewhere with other kids. That causes a lot of anxiety as a parent. You feel sad about your child having social struggles, Or experiencing a loss of some kind, Or blowing an opportunity, Or failing a class. So name it. Name these feelings. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel disappointed. I feel angry. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. And then feel it. Where do you feel it in your body? Name it and feel it. Don't resist it. Notice I said, I feel sad. I feel scared, Not I am sad. I am scared. Feelings and thoughts aren't who we are. Also notice how the thoughts and feelings are present and in a constant state of change all at the same time. There's an emotion around and within them. They can increase or decrease in intensity and in some cases disappear or be replaced by another thought or feeling fairly quickly. Constant change, Constant motion. We don't need to create a narrative around every single thought and feeling. Most are just passing clouds. Like Pema Chodron says, You are the sky, Everything else is just the weather. So that was tool number one, Name it to tame it. Tool number two, Take wise action. Now, Once you've been able to determine if this is habit thinking or something that is actually happening, You can decide if there's some action you need to take. And before you take any action regarding a situation going on with your child, I would encourage you to first ask the question, Whose problem is this? So often we over problem solve for our children and rob them of crucial opportunities for learning and growth. There might not be a solution within our control and it is highly likely it is not our problem to solve. But we often take action in an attempt to soothe our own anxiety. So is this action we're taking really serving our child's growth? Sometimes the wisest course of action. In the words of Paul McCartney, Let it be. So when we're letting it be, The action is then to deal with our own anxiety as best we can. Through breathing exercises, Self-care. What I call flipping the script on the situation, Imagining different possibilities. You might say to yourself, This is hard to watch, But the most loving thing I can do as a parent in this moment is allow my child to find their way through this. I can be a loving presence, But I must allow my child to do the heavy lifting. The heavy thinking. This is a crucial. Learning moment for my child. So I believe that most of us as parents have a similar end goal of raising a capable, Independent, Compassionate, Resilient adult. As situations arise that cause anxiety for us, And there will be many, Right? Growing up is hard work. And there are a lot of stumbles. As anxiety-inducing situations arise, We must ask ourselves, Are we taking wise action that leads to this end goal of raising a capable, Independent, Compassionate, Resilient adult? When we take action because we are unable to sit with our own anxiety about our child's situation, We often slip into one or more of the following modes. Problem solve, Distract, Deny, Or cheerlead, Or a combination of any of those. None of these modes create conditions that allow our child to cultivate their resilience. So let's look a little at each mode. Problem solving. Problem solving means we are offering ideas and often taking action that our child, Including adult children, May very well be capable of doing on their own. The actions that have the most power in one's life are those that are generated internally. We do not learn when others do for us. Now, Of course, You have to look at this through a developmentally appropriate lens for each particular child. But in general, Our job as parents is to guide our children to become solvers of their own problems. Okay, Cheerleader mode. Cheerleader mode isn't innately bad, But it can often be shallow. Phrases like, You can do it. You're so great. You got this. I'm going to go into more detail on this concept in another talk, But the general idea is that when we cheerlead, If we can avoid sort of shallow platitudes and instead connect our cheering and compliments to an innate character trait that we have observed in our child and highlight that trait, That has power in helping them build the story of their self-identity, Their confidence, And sense of capability. An example of a phrase that captures this idea is Hey, I can see that this is a really big challenge and you have a very creative mind. I have witnessed you creatively solve problems before. I have confidence in your ability to solve this one. I look forward to the creative possibilities you come up with. And I'm always here to be your thinking partner. So we aren't abandoning them. We're offering to be a support partner, But we leave the heavy thinking and heavy lifting up to them. Okay, The other mode, Distract. Distract can mean a situation comes up that is uncomfortable for everyone and your anxiety leads you to say something like, Let's go get some ice cream. And the final mode is deny. We might say something like, Oh, Come on, It's not that bad. Now, Granted, Your child might be blowing the situation way out of proportion, But in the moment, It feels real and big to them. Instead of a denying statement, You could. . . Model and then teach your child to name it to tame it. And begin to help them discern between what is their own habit thinking and what things going on for them really need their attention. I can expand on this concept in another talk, But it can also help to teach your child about the zones of learning, Right? We have our comfort zone. Versus our learning or challenge zone versus truly panicked or overwhelmed zone. Sometimes we forget there's that middle zone, That learning and challenge zone, And we go right from our comfort zone into panic and overwhelm. Simply pointing out, Hey, You are likely in your learning zone right now and that isn't always comfortable, But you are okay. When we slip into one of these modes, It's often an attempt to cope with our own often crushing or debilitating anxiety. So part of wise action is catching ourselves when we are slipping into one of these modes and trying something different. Something that allows for our own child's important learning and growth on their runway to becoming an independent, Capable, Compassionate, Resilient adult. Here's a mantra I like to use. I strive to manage my own anxiety and allow my child's peaks, Valleys, And plateaus to be theirs to navigate. Now, Once again, This doesn't mean we abandon our children in times of distress. I'm not suggesting that. We simply pause and ask ourselves, Why am I about to take this action? Is it to soothe my own anxiety or does it really serve my child's growth? We can walk beside them, But we do not need to carry them. When we carry them, We are often just prolonging the lessons that they need to learn in this life. So I want to touch back on the relationship between thought management and anxiety and being present for our children. We are either lost in thoughts or we are seeing them clearly. When we are lost in thoughts and the anxiety cycle that our thought loops often create, We are lost at the expense of. . . The life that is happening right now. We are often missing precious moments with those we love right here and right now. Being lost in thoughts and feeding our anxiety is also likely making our fuses shorter, Making us more reactive. And less able to respond wisely. And it's likely negatively affecting the quality of our relationships. And remember this, We. Are our child's role model for how to self-manage. Parents and children alike need tools and practice for balancing the emotional part of the brain, The amygdala, And the problem-solving side, The logical part of the brain, The prefrontal cortex. We need tools and practice balancing these two sides of the brain so that we can respond to life with greater wisdom and compassion. And many of us are learning these skills alongside our children, And that's okay. We all need skills and practice thinking less about what ifs and more about what is. So with these tools, You are training your brain to consider alternate ways of viewing things by asking yourself, Hey, What else is possible here? There's a quote by someone named Emile Chartier. Nothing is as dangerous as an idea when it is the only one you have. So let's talk about perspective taking and tool number three. Tool number three is approaching with curiosity and empathy. When something is going on with your child that is causing anxiety, Ask yourself, What else could be going on? What am I not seeing? Or what else could I be saying to myself about this? How might I view this as a window for learning rather than going straight to panic and catastrophizing? So can we practice and begin to approach ourselves and our children with more curiosity and empathy. Behavior is always a message, Both ours and our children's. We can learn a lot about ourselves and others when we work to try on new perspectives. And imagine what might be driving the presenting behavior. Ours and our kids, Right? So flipping the script and imagining alternative possibilities instead of going to the worst place is a healthy practice. Stepping out of panic mode and acknowledging that, Hey, We are right now in our challenger learning zone. And experimenting with narrating the situation to ourselves from a variety of angles is a healthy exercise and can help tame the anxiety cycle. So the last tool, Tool number four, Power in the paws. In order to be able to widen perspective and To be able to approach with curiosity and empathy, We have to put some space between stimuli and our automatic habitual reactions. This will allow us to respond more thoughtfully, More compassionately, And with greater wisdom. Once again, There is so much power in increasing our awareness around when we are slipping into habitual thinking and habitual reactions, And labeling this when we catch ourselves, Ah, Hello habit thinking, And then shift and try something new. So memorize this little phrase, Power in the pause. You could take some breaths in that moment and repeat this phrase to yourself right when you're in the middle of a situation. And you're working to not respond in an old habitual way. Another mantra I really like, I strive to tame my reactivity and model the ability to take a pause, Slow things down, Put some space between stimuli and my automatic habitual reaction. This is a practice. It is slow. Our switch will flip. Our anxiety will still take over at times. We are going to respond in ways we wish we hadn't, And that is okay. Here's a powerful repair phrase when that happens. Hey, I'm sorry for my reaction. I was not being the person and parent I mean to be. I cannot overstate the power of modeling. Modeling a repair is extra powerful in my opinion. We are owning that the goal isn't perfection, It's progress. We are owning that we are also a human being stumbling our way along the path to. The goal is learning and growth and trying to show up a little better every day. This modeling is so much more powerful than words alone. So let's recap the tools for managing parental anxiety. One, Name it to tame it. Take a moment and label thoughts and feelings as they come up. Are they simply habitual go-to thought loops or is something bigger going on? Name the thought and the feelings coming up. Notice where you are feeling them in your body. Give yourself some self-compassion. None of this is easy. And just notice, Does taking a moment to name what is going on decrease the intensity of the feeling and the anxiety? Tool 2, Take wise action. Raise your level of awareness of when you are slipping into modes of problem solving, Cheerleading, Distracting, Or denying as a way to cope with your own anxiety. Ask yourself if there is really something within your control that you should be doing in this situation, Or do you need to take a step back? Whose problem is it to solve? Am I overfunctioning as a parent right now because I can't stand to watch my child struggle? Am I robbing my child of important opportunities for growth and cultivating resilience? I think it's always wise to stop and inquire into what the reason is behind the action you are about to take. Will this really serve your child or are you taking the action to try and survive your own anxiety? Tool three was approach with curiosity and empathy. Widen the lens. Remind yourself that behavior is always a message. Ask yourself what burdens your child might be carrying that you are not aware of. There is a lot we don't see. What burdens are you carrying that your child isn't aware of? There's a lot they don't see. So can you flip the script on what is happening and focus on the rich compost for learning this situation may be providing for both you and your child? How can you narrate this situation to yourself in a way that serves this learning and doesn't simply feed an anxiety cycle? And the final tool was power in the pause. So allowing some space between stimuli and reaction, Catching ourselves before we fall back into habitual reactions that likely weren't serving the situation or the relationship. Can we experiment by responding in new ways, Or maybe sometimes not responding at all? So as we wrap this up, I want to let you know that I get caught in these anxiety loops just like anyone else. And sometimes it's no wonder our young people are taking longer to step into an independent young adult life. As I've done some reflecting, I don't think I've always modeled a desirable adulthood. My kids have witnessed me react with a lot of anxiety and panic at times. My kids have witnessed me overreacting and taking myself and everything around me way too seriously. My kids witnessed me stuck in anxiety, Worrying about and planning for the future and missing the miracle of life, The miracle of them as the human being right beside me. The miracle of the fullness of life right now. Another mantra I'm working with is this. I strive to model self-care and the ability to savor joy even in the midst of life's stressors. My kids' moods do not have to be my moods. I strive to model a calm and balanced life, Regardless of life's challenges. So as you work to manage your anxiety in new ways, I invite you to also work on savoring right now and the fullness of right now, The tough stuff and the joy, The richness of the complete human experience. I invite you to savor the joy and the miracles that are ever present, Even in the midst of the tough stuff, Which will also always be there. You are doing a great job. We owe ourselves gratitude and compassion for continuing to show up for our kids, Rolling up our sleeves and doing the work each moment requires and trying to show up a little better every day. So as we end, Let's take a few breaths together. Breathing. . . Inhaling and exhaling. And just taking a moment to show yourself some appreciation. For your willingness to continually grow and learn on this parent-child journey, On this human journey. Thank you for spending this time with me.