Chapter 3.
How to find joy in your kids.
When my son was 14 months old,
I went back to work again.
Juggling a new house,
Him,
My job,
All I felt was stress.
Chronic stomach issues,
Everything a crisis.
I couldn't talk to friends,
Family,
Neighbors.
I was just too agitated.
All I wanted to be was alone.
Nothing felt endearing,
Beautiful,
Fun.
Zero good feelings.
Only the next to do to feel safe.
I had everything I wanted.
Why did it feel so bad?
No joy,
Ever.
This can't be how life's supposed to go.
I was curious,
Not defeated.
I kept thinking,
This can't be right.
Then,
Because the design is exact,
I remembered again.
I spotted my nonstop inner narrator and got brave enough to ignore it.
My mind got quiet,
Joy and love showed up regularly.
Not just pre-vacation hype,
Another thought.
I felt joy,
I felt love,
And I felt free.
Space opened,
My true nature shown,
Love,
Peace,
Joy,
Contentment.
One ordinary day,
Suddenly,
I looked at my son in awe.
Cherished watching him existing.
I expanded inside,
Enamored.
His velvet skin,
Plump cheeks,
High-pitched voice,
Wobbly legs.
He's a miracle.
I was keenly aware how lucky I am.
From a quiet,
Non-judgmental place,
Just a boy watching TV.
Perfect,
Present.
Love flooded me,
From me,
Not him.
All inside of me.
This is what happens when thinking drops.
Pure peace,
Capacity for absolute love,
What we are,
How love is meant to be.
How life is meant to be.
I knew I was never going back.
When I get caught up,
And I still do,
I stop.
Back again.
Peace,
Love,
Calm.
