Today I'm talking about something that many people with ADHD carry,
But don't often talk about.
Not just the occasional feeling of embarrassment or regret,
But the deep and chronic sense that something's wrong with us.
Feeling that we're somehow failing at things that seem so easy for other people.
If you've ever forgotten an appointment,
Lost your keys for the third time this week,
Struggle to keep up with emails.
Missed a deadline.
Interrupted someone in the middle of conversation,
Or found yourself just overwhelmed by tasks that other people seem to be handling just fine.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
And if you've lived with ADHD for years,
Especially if you weren't diagnosed until adulthood.
There's a good chance that you've received countless messages about these struggles.
Maybe you were told that you needed to try harder.
Pay more attention.
Get more organized.
Be more responsible.
Apply yourself.
Maybe people just assume that you didn't really care.
They questioned your effort.
Maybe over time,
You started believing them.
One of the hardest parts of ADHD isn't just the symptoms themselves,
But the meaning that we attach to them.
When something happens over and over again,
Our brains naturally try to make sense out of it.
And if you repeatedly struggle with things that seem so easy for other people,
It's understandable that you might draw some conclusions about yourself.
Maybe you've thought.
I'm lazy.
I'm unreliable.
I'm irresponsible.
I'll never get it together.
I'm too much,
I'm not enough.
These thoughts can become so familiar that they begin to feel like facts.
They begin to be a tape that's just playing in the back of our mind.
But today,
I'd like to offer a different perspective.
What if many of the things that you've judged yourself for are actually just symptoms.
They're not evidence that you're failing or broken.
Their symptoms.
And while that distinction may seem small,
It changes everything.
Imagine someone who wears glasses being told that they just need to squint harder,
See better.
Imagine criticizing someone for not seeing clearly when their vision simply works differently.
Most of us would recognize how unfair that is,
And yet.
.
.
Many of us with ADHD spend years criticizing ourselves for symptoms that stem from differences in how our brain actually processes information,
Attention,
Motivation,
Memory,
And even emotion.
This doesn't mean that you're incapable.
It doesn't mean that you should take responsibility for your actions.
But responsibility and shame aren't the same thing.
In fact,
Shame often gets in the way of growth because shame says,
I'm the problem.
While self-compassion says,
I'm having a hard time.
One creates hopelessness,
The other creates possibility.
So taking accountability without shaming ourselves is an important step.
Now,
If you spent years motivating yourself through self-criticism,
Self-compassion might feel a little uncomfortable,
Maybe even wrong.
A lot of my clients worry that being kind to themselves will make them less accountable.
But research consistently shows the opposite.
When we respond to mistakes with compassion rather than criticism.
We're often more likely to learn,
Adapt,
And keep going.
So I'd like to offer one simple practice today.
Talk to yourself like someone you love.
Next time you make a mistake,
Forget something,
Miss a deadline,
Lose track of time,
Pause and ask yourself.
What would I say to someone I deeply care about if they were experiencing this?
Imagine your best friend.
Your child.
Your partner.
Maybe even a young version of yourself.
Would you tell that version of you that they're just hopeless?
That they'll never figure it out.
That they're just lazy and irresponsible.
Probably not.
You might say something like.
.
.
Wow,
That was hard.
I know you're doing your best.
Let's figure out what might help better next time.
Or mistakes happen and you don't have to be perfect.
Notice how different that feels.
The goal is not to excuse every behavior.
The goal is to stop adding unnecessary suffering to something that's already difficult.
And if you're familiar with parts work or internal family systems,
You might think about it this way.
Many people have an inner critic part that believes that criticism is necessary for success.
That part often has very good intentions.
It's trying to protect us from future pain.
Trying to keep us safe.
Trying to prevent mistakes and make sure that we don't get hurt or judged.
But sometimes the strategies that once felt protective can become harmful.
Instead of motivating us,
They leave us exhausted,
Discouraged,
Disconnected,
And abandoning ourselves.
The invitation is not to get rid of that critical part.
Is just to relate to it differently.
To recognize that criticism isn't the only path to growth.
Compassion can be a powerful teacher too.
As we come to a close,
I'd like you to consider this question.
What if the way you've been speaking to yourself isn't actually helping?
What if there's another way?
What if healing doesn't begin with becoming more disciplined,
Productive,
Hard on yourself,
Or organized?
What if healing begins with understanding?
With recognizing that you've been carrying challenges many people cannot see.
With offering yourself the same kindness.
You so freely offer others.
Because this is the truth.
You are not your symptoms.
You are not your mistakes.
You are not your unfinished to-do list.
And you certainly are not the worst thing that you've ever said to yourself.
You deserve the same compassion you would offer to anybody else when they're struggling.
Thank you so much for spending time with me today.
And before you move on with your day,
Take a moment to ask yourself.
What is one kind thing I can say to myself today?
