Welcome today to unshakable self-worth.
I have a question to open with today that I would love for you to ask yourself and you might even grab a pen and paper if getting it in your body helps you to find the answer.
And the question to sit with is how would your life be different if you knew that you were completely lovable and enough exactly as you are right now.
And I challenge you to come up with something specific.
Not just I would have a healthy relationship for example,
But how would you feel in that relationship?
Not just I would have a different line of work,
But what is that line of work if you knew that you were already completely lovable and enough exactly as you are now.
And if you'd like to close your eyes and tune in to your intuition to find the answer,
That's wonderful too or maybe you know it right away.
And you might come up with several different ways that your life would be different.
And whenever you have one or more ideas of how your life would be different if you knew that you were completely enough as you are,
You can put them in the chat.
Because I love,
I want to start with this kind of worthiness hyping.
Let's get the worthiness juices flowing to vision what that would mean for ourselves even before we talk about it.
So Susie says,
I would not have married the person I did.
Breathing into that with you.
Georgina says,
I would be less of a people pleaser.
Yeah,
Johanna said,
I'd sleep better and feel less anxious.
I would be confident within myself,
Britt.
Liz,
I would stop seeking so much reassurance from people.
Rick,
I would be able to talk to people easier.
Yeah,
Michelle,
I would feel more supported by friends and family.
Casey,
I would be confident to make my own decisions and not having to consult external sources.
Beautiful answers.
Yeah,
And I know that we're all finding resonance in probably multiple of these answers,
Right?
Karen says,
I love this so much,
The sparkle in my eye where I'm rested and thrilled with joy about my day.
That is astonishingly beautiful.
The sparkle in my eye where I'm rested and thrilled with joy about my day.
Oh,
I want that.
I think I have that today.
Becca says,
I would be more at ease with myself,
Even have more motivation to explore more of life.
Yeah.
And Catherine says,
I would be more resilient and I would be able to feel more joy.
Yeah.
So feel free to add more in the chat.
I'm going to move on myself.
So,
Worthiness and worth.
Worthiness and worth is a pretty abstract topic on the one hand,
But it sounds like from your answers that you know,
You know in your heart what it would feel like to be enough.
And,
You know,
I have a daughter who's turning three next month and I don't allow her to watch much TV at all,
But the show I let her watch is Vintage Mr.
Rogers Neighborhood because many of you probably don't know this,
But Fred Rogers is one of my greatest professional inspirations.
There's a documentary,
I think it's called,
Oh my gosh,
I confuse the two movies about him.
Is it called Won't You Be My Neighbor,
The documentary about Fred Rogers.
So for those of you who are not in the United States or don't know Fred Rogers,
Fred Rogers was the host of one of the longest running,
Most popular television shows in history for children.
It's called Mr.
Rogers Neighborhood.
And he was primarily a musician,
A piano player,
Who went to get ordained as a minister so that he could,
And the show is not religious,
But he went to get ordained as a minister because he wanted to,
He felt this mission to create television programming for children and also adults,
Kind of wink,
Wink.
That was his mission too,
That would convince and help remind human beings that they are lovable exactly as they are.
This was his mission.
And there was,
There's a video of him as a young man in this documentary about him where he's sitting at his piano and he's really earnest,
He's super earnest,
Right,
Sincere,
Like deeply,
Deeply sincere person.
He looks in the camera and he's at his piano and he says,
I think what children need the most is help with the low notes of life.
So he created a television program to help children with emotions in an age where that was not,
Wasn't on the radar at all,
You know,
And to teach the power of vulnerability and of not running or trying to control our pain,
Our difficult emotions,
But loving them and thus loving ourselves.
In other words,
Mr.
Rogers was a kind of shadow worker.
He was all about looking with love at the places that we most want to avoid,
Deny,
Minimize,
Control.
And so this is why Mr.
Rogers is one of my inspirations.
Also because when I was a child,
And I'll just speak very briefly about my own childhood,
I grew up in an environment that was very rigid and controlled.
My dad had undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder,
And for him that manifested in very rigid needs and routines,
And that was not compatible with early childhood,
You know.
And so I grew up in a way where if I acted in a way that didn't comply with those routines and rigid ideas of what was okay,
Which were not always consistent,
Then I would get in big trouble,
And I would usually get verbally abused,
Emotionally abused,
And they would be things like,
They would be things like not eating 100% of the flesh off of a peach pit.
They would be things like making any noises at all while I ate my dinner at the dinner table.
I'm talking about minor things,
And I have to breathe into it because I'm going back to that place and myself again a little bit.
And I say this not because I think I'm unusual or my childhood was especially bad.
My childhood was pretty normal.
Normal because remember that parents or caregivers are just the messengers of culture.
Parents and caregivers are just the messengers of culture.
When we're raised,
As most of us are in the West,
In a nuclear family or in any event and not in a community,
We are extremely vulnerable to the neuroses,
The traumas of our own parents or caregivers,
Right?
There's no buffer.
There's no wider community to support us.
And so the trauma,
And we live in a traumatic culture,
And I'll get into that,
But you know what I mean.
The traumas that are inherent in our culture,
In colonial capitalist,
Patriarchal,
White supremacist culture,
Right,
Are filtered through the bodies of our parents and caregivers,
And they are transferred to us.
And we get it harshly because we're only raised by a few people,
If that,
Right?
We get a direct line that's unadulterated that doesn't have any cushioning around it.
Because if you're here,
You're very likely to have parents who didn't do their work,
Right,
Who weren't on a healing path and who transferred,
Who,
As Resmaa Manikem says,
Blew their trauma through your body,
Unconsciously,
Of course,
And unintentionally,
Right?
And so what I did and what all of us do,
And again,
I am not exceptional,
What all of us do when we're the children of caregivers who are trauma survivors,
As I think probably all of us are here,
Is because their traumas are in our body,
We become blown through our bodies.
We learn to splinter parts of ourselves off.
We are shamed for parts of ourselves that are natural.
And so I split off,
Right,
I became unconsciously on a mission to control all of my spontaneity,
All of my irrepressible joy,
You know,
Like I couldn't be joyful really as a kid,
I couldn't be spontaneous,
I couldn't have my own opinions about things,
I couldn't say no,
I couldn't set boundaries,
What were those?
You know,
Like,
And my mom was very,
Was very anxious,
Dissociated,
Helpless,
Well intentioned,
You know,
But was not a protective force.
So I learned to survive as we all do,
Because we're all brilliant adapters as kids.
I did the same thing that all of us do,
Because children are brilliant adapters,
And that is I learned to emphasize the parts of myself that got approval from my caregivers,
And I learned to repress,
Deny,
Minimize,
And control away the parts of myself that did not get approval or that got outright scorn or shame.
And this is the process of shadow work,
Right?
The process of shadow work is learning to heal and recover those aspects that we had to control,
Deny,
Repress,
Minimize,
But that's a different topic for a different time.
And if you are curious about that,
About shadow work,
Then make sure to listen to my recording called How to Do Shadow Work here on Insight Timer,
And you'll get all of the information about that.
So in any event,
My parents,
Who are the messengers of the wider culture,
The culture of the West,
The culture of where success means that we're self-sufficient,
That we make a lot of money,
Right,
That we get the praise of others,
As wide praise as possible,
As much money as possible,
That we get individual accolades,
Right,
That we are exceptional.
This is the definition of success in the hyperindividualized West,
And so my parents had that story of success.
I went to a fancy liberal arts school,
And I studied philosophy,
And I went abroad,
And I got a graduate degree,
And I became a college teacher,
And was full-time faculty by the time I was 26 years old at Oregon State University,
And I lived this message of success by controlling away my vulnerability,
Right,
Controlling away the parts of myself that didn't meet with approval,
And I ended up crashing and getting high-functioning depression,
And I changed careers,
And the rest is history,
You know.
But so there's a huge soul cost to all of this,
And that is what Tara Brach,
And I'm sure all of you know Tara Brach,
That's what Tara Brach calls the trance of unworthiness,
The trance of unworthiness,
Because in order to pursue this idea of individual success and the requisite splitting and control that happens inside of us to achieve that,
That means that we feel inherently unworthy and are on a crazed,
Hungry mission for exceptionalism.
So I,
Just like anyone in our culture,
I had a crazed hunger to be exceptional.
Why?
Because I felt deeply,
Deeply unworthy.
So I didn't know that I felt deeply unworthy,
Because especially when I was getting all the accolades,
I mean,
I won four teaching awards in my six-year career,
And one of them was school-wide.
I won awards for curriculum development on campus and online.
I won awards for this and that.
I won extremely high student evaluations.
You know,
Like,
I was just the good girl.
I was a very,
Very popular teacher,
And I was a dancer on the side.
I became a yoga teacher on the side.
Like,
By all external measures of success,
I should have been happy,
You know,
But the reality was that I used yoga and meditation as a drug,
As a compulsive drug,
To cover my trance of unworthiness.
So I think that all of you can relate to this need to be exceptional,
Right?
Or at least the need to prove yourself and get external validation for who you are.
So where does that come from,
Right?
Because,
Like,
Look at this rose.
This is from my garden.
Isn't it amazing?
It's yellow and pink around the edges.
We are like this.
We are nature.
We are perfect.
What stands in the way of us knowing that?
It's not normal to feel unworthy.
We've just been fed the lie that it is because if you didn't have a hunger and a craze to be special,
Unique,
Exceptional,
Our culture would die,
Right?
The runaway train of colonial capitalism would die if we didn't need to be more and different all the time.
And I'm not somebody who believes in conspiracies or the man,
Quote unquote,
But this just was the result.
This is the result of history.
That most of us,
The vast majority of us,
Because of colonialism,
Were uprooted from the very things that feed belonging and innate worthiness.
Most of us don't even know where innate worthiness comes from,
And we're on this mission to somehow figure it out inside ourselves.
And I'm going to leave you in a practice today that's going to help you with that,
But I will not tell you the lie that you can just do it by yourself.
Honestly,
That many other spiritual teachers will try to tell you.
I am sorry to tell you that you cannot feel worthy all by yourself.
We get our worthiness from community,
From love,
From connection,
And this is not a popular marketable truth in capitalism that wants you to sit in your chair and order the next online course that's going to give you the key to feeling enough inside yourself,
By yourself.
It doesn't work like that.
We did not evolve like that.
So I'm a student of the work of,
I've been a student of Tara Brach's work for almost 20 years.
I started,
I went on retreat with her when I was a teenager.
I was blessed to do that.
So I've been studying the work of Tara Brach and Radical Acceptance.
I have that book right here for a long time,
But I'm also the student of several indigenous teachers like Maladoma Sohmeh,
Elder of the Daghura people of West Africa,
And the decolonial shadow work of Dr.
Rocio Rosales-Messa.
So if it weren't for those indigenous perspectives,
I would not be able to share this with you because I would be trapped in my own Western perspective.
The truth is that we can't,
Like Maladoma Sohmeh says,
We cannot be ourselves without community.
We need community to be ourselves.
Tara Brach and her book,
Actually,
Let me start with reading a quote from Radical Acceptance.
So Tara Brach,
You know Tara Brach,
Right?
You know Tara Brach,
Vipassana meditation teacher and psychologist.
But let me read you a quote that's absolutely amazing and that frames what I'll be talking about in a really understandable way.
So Tara Brach just told the story about how several decades ago the Dalai Lama was meeting with several of the most prominent Buddhist teachers.
And one of the American Vipassana Buddhist teachers asked the Dalai Lama a very important question.
He said,
You know,
My students,
My meditation students want to know how do I overcome self-hatred?
And then the Dalai Lama got very confused and he said,
What is self-hatred?
How can you hate yourself?
You have Buddha nature.
In other words,
You have innate perfection.
And so then Tara Brach writes to contextualize this.
So many of us grew up without a cohesive and nourishing sense of family,
Neighborhood,
Community or tribe.
And because of this,
It's not surprising that we feel like outsiders on our own and disconnected.
We learn early in life that any affiliation with family and friends at school or in the workplace requires proving that we are worthy.
So we learn that any affiliation requires us to prove that we are worthy because we don't grow up in a community of innate belonging,
In a tribal or collective community.
We are under pressure to compete with each other,
To get ahead,
To stand out,
Be exceptional,
Right?
As intelligent,
Attractive,
Capable,
Powerful,
Wealthy,
Someone is always keeping score.
Many of you can relate to that,
Right?
So this is why community creates belonging,
And belonging is worthiness.
And so I want to tell you a story from,
And we are going to get,
By the way,
To a meditation in just a few minutes.
There's a question about that.
I want to tell you a brief story from Malidoma Some,
Elder of the Dagara people,
Now passed to the ancestral,
About belonging in the Dagara tradition.
So the Dagara tribe lives still in Burkina Faso,
Ghana,
And a couple of other neighboring countries,
So that area of Africa.
So before a baby is born in the Dagara tradition,
The pregnant woman goes to the council of elders,
And the elders facilitate a ritual where the pregnant woman channels.
She lays down on the ground on the earth,
And ritual ash is cast around her,
And she channels the name of the unborn child,
And the name,
And she speaks as the unborn child,
And tells the elders,
And announces to the tribe,
Like the unborn child announces what they are here to do,
What their purpose is,
And they tell their name.
And that's how a child is named in the Dagara tradition.
Their name means,
Their name is a descriptor of their gift.
So,
For example,
Malidoma means friend of the stranger,
And he grew up to be a bridge between the West and the Dagara tradition.
And just imagine for a moment that you're born in this kind of community.
You're born and everybody around you knows you,
Knows you on a soul level,
Sees,
Hears,
Feels,
Knows you for who you are.
There's no question of your worth.
And this is how it is in any of the indigenous cultures that I have learned from.
There is innate belonging.
There's no question.
It's just like the Dalai Lama was so confused.
What is self-hatred?
How can you be at war with yourself?
You have innate worth.
You are love,
Right?
And so our sickness in the West,
The sickness of self-sufficiency,
The lie that self-sufficiency is even possible drives unworthiness.
So our seeking of success or happiness or wholeness by ourselves drives unworthiness.
This is one of the reasons,
And can any of you relate to this,
That if you're on a healing path,
You just keep consuming the next class after the next class or the next meditation after the next meditation.
Do you see how this is the same sickness?
Do you see how there's a deeper need that goes unmet and thus the hunger remains?
The hunger remains and that hunger is for community.
That hunger is for the deep worthiness that can only come from each other.
The hunger comes from the deep worthiness that can only come from us claiming our need.
And I'm going to talk a lot more about this.
In the West,
We're all trying desperately not to need one another,
Right?
In fact,
There's this term needy.
It used to make me almost want to vomit to hear that word.
I had splintered myself so thoroughly away from my need or my right to have needs.
Neediness,
Right,
Which is true vulnerability,
By the way.
It's really just vulnerability.
I had splintered myself so thoroughly from that that the very word made me nauseous.
And the reason it made me nauseous is because my armoring,
I had created the survival adaptation that need meant danger,
Right?
I couldn't have needs or else I wouldn't get love and approval growing up.
And this affects people across the gender spectrum,
By the way,
Just in different ways.
Right,
Men are generally cut off from your feelings at all,
From your vulnerability,
From any kind of quote unquote weakness.
Can't be weak,
Right,
Can't be vulnerable.
And then women learn to be managers and have to be self-sufficient,
Especially if you're a mother.
You have to be the manager and take care of everybody else,
Meet other people's needs.
People,
Please,
Right,
Always be likable,
Always with that smile,
Always been always attractive.
You know,
I could go on.
But we know how we do that in ourselves,
How we exile our need.
As a lead up to our meditation today,
I'll share another brief story.
And some of you will know this story if you have read my newsletter recently.
The story is a conversation of me and my therapist.
The other week where,
You know,
Some of you know,
My family had COVID.
We were parenting in isolation for two and a half weeks.
And I was feeling all kinds of feelings about that,
Including rage,
Anger at my family,
You know,
Quote unquote,
You know,
Playing it safe,
Not wanting to help.
And keep in mind that my rational mind knows,
Would never want them to make another choice.
I wouldn't have let them in my house.
But the vulnerable part of myself was reeling in anger,
Like,
How selfish,
You know,
How,
Why can't you come help me,
Right,
Whereas my rational mind was judging myself for having those feelings,
Like,
What are you talking about?
You don't want them to get sick,
You know.
So I was relaying this to my therapist and venting with her about it.
And she took a breath and she stopped me and she said,
In the midst of my anger,
She said,
Catherine,
What do you need?
What is it that you really need?
And I stopped and she had me somatically just really feel in my body where that,
Where my need was and name it.
And I started saying,
Like,
I started just sobbing and saying,
I need community.
I need help.
I need people to know that I'm not OK.
I need,
You know,
I need blah,
Blah.
And I just kept listing these needs and the tears were flowing and I accessed the grief that was running underneath the anger.
Right.
Like my therapist helped me tune into that grief that was under the anger and I was able to move that.
She said,
Now really tune into that need.
And I'd like you to let go of any expectation that it will ever be met.
And I was like,
What?
What do you mean?
I need my needs to be met.
She said,
I know.
And for this moment,
I just want you to exalt your need.
Claim it fully.
What if you were to completely claim this need with no expectation,
Without attachment to it ever being met?
And it was very confusing for me at first,
But I sat with it.
And this is what I'm going to be guiding you in today.
I sat with it and a very amazing thing happened that I was not expecting.
I felt like my energy became 10 times bigger.
That in claiming my need fully,
What I was doing is I was dissolving the control and the judgment of my need,
Claiming it.
And I was worthy.
I felt worthiness.
Maybe for the first time.
You know,
Like true somatic embodied visceral worthiness that I have needs.
My needs matter.
And it doesn't matter if they're met or not.
Just the fact that I have needs and they matter means I'm enough.
I'm worthy.
I'm worthy of walking this earth because to have needs is to be alive.
You know,
To have needs is just to be a being.
We're porous,
Right?
We need intake and outtake.
We need love and connection.
I mean,
We need needing is being alive.
And when we shut down our need and minimize it,
Like especially so many women do and femmes,
When we minimize it.
It's like cutting part of ourself off.
It's like cutting off the energy of our first three chakras.
And we of course,
We don't feel powerful.
So and I wrote in my journal to deny need is to be ashamed of feeling alive,
Of being alive.
And to exalt and claim our need is to be fully alive.
And it's not being needy because you're unattached to whether it's met or not.
That's not what it's about.
It's not about manipulating other people or getting them to meet our needs.
It's about your relationship to yourself.
Because here's an image that's really helped me with need.
Need,
If you imagine,
You know,
Like a puzzle that you put together with different pieces.
Our needs are like the empty,
The cut out pieces on a puzzle piece.
They're the emptiness on a puzzle piece that allows another puzzle piece to connect with us and then become whole.
So in other words,
When we don't claim our needs,
We're not able to let anybody else in.
Not really.
Our needs make connection and belonging possible.
Our needs make worthiness possible.
And just think about in yourself right now,
Before we go into our practice,
Think about how would you feel to have needs?
How does it feel for you,
The idea of having needs?
And just breathe in.
I'm sure something comes up immediately for you.
And I realized that to exalt my need,
To claim it fully is to awaken from servitude.
To exalt my needs is to awaken from servitude.
All of us are in servitude,
No matter what your gender is,
No matter what race or ability.
Some of us more than others,
You know.
But all of us in the culture that we live in are in servitude.
Think about having to earn money to survive.
That alone.
Right?
Or find your own health insurance if you're in the United States or the list goes on.
We are in servitude.
So claiming your need fully is awakening from that servitude.
And I thought about the whole lineage in my ancestral line,
Particularly my female lineage.
And you can think about this for you,
Too.
Could they have needs?
Could the females or other people in your lineage have needs?
Could they exalt their needs?
And I ask you that because the answer is probably no.
And it just helps to emphasize what a huge deal this is.
What a cycle breaking,
Extraordinarily healing thing this is and courageous thing it is to exalt our need.
Because especially the females in our lineage and of course BIPOC folks,
Like,
Of course,
Have had to devote lives to serving the will of others.
And when we devote our lives to serving the will of others,
Either literally through slavery or domestic enslavement,
As women have been for centuries,
Probably millennia,
Or any other kind of enslavement or servitude,
It's like you cannot have needs.
Right?
This is power.
This is culture changing.
And this is vulnerable and scary.
Amma says,
Where does the concept of serving humanity come into this logic?
Thanks for asking.
We can only serve others truly when we are full in ourselves.
Remember I said my energy felt 10 times bigger when I claim my need.
I'm able to show up and have so much more energy to serve others it's like growing to be a tall oak tree in a forest.
When the oak tree grows Of course it affects the entire ecosystem it can't help it.
When we heal personally,
And have an intention to heal the collective,
It happens,
We have the energy to do it,
We have the energy to serve.
It's not martyred anymore.
If it's community that's needed is the healing only to recognize the need.
So here's the thing,
You're never going to build authentic community where you really let other people in,
If you don't claim your need.
You're going to attract the community that you really need,
And the relationships that you need that truly fill you up.
If you're minimizing yourself,
You're going to attract narcissists.
If you minimize your needs.
You're going to attract people who are preying on your staying small.
So in order to build vibrant reciprocal community,
Right,
Reciprocity.
When we claim our need we open ourselves to the potential for reciprocity giving and receiving both an equal measure.
Yeah.
So let's practice for a few minutes together.
If you'd like to experiment with this in your own body.
I'm going to lead you into connecting with your own need regardless of whether it is met.
And we're going to expand the body sensations of that.
And it might feel really scary you might have a lot of resistance and that's completely okay.
There is no right or wrong.
Just know if you know my work,
You know there's no better or worse there's no right or wrong and we never force anything so if it's ever too much for you,
Especially as you're probably doing this by yourself,
You know on your own.
I want you to be extremely gentle with yourself.
So,
Go ahead and find a comfortable seat or lying down.
Find the support that you're on and allow your body to be heavy.
As you close the eyes if that feels right.
Just tension in your body and bring space and softness to wherever those places are,
As you breathe.
And the way that you derive your,
The invitation.
Now,
Is to bring into your psyche,
An event in your life,
Or anything that makes you feel angry,
Irritated.
It could be emotional or it could be political.
Just something that maybe recently has really really gotten gotten to you.
Breathe and notice the body sensations that are coming up,
Name them as you bring this into your mind and body now.
It's our best to not think about this now not analyze what's coming up but rather really directly experience.
Where do I feel this in my body.
When I bring myself to feel into this thing.
And really let this feeling take up space for just a few more breaths.
And really let this feeling take up space for just a few more breaths.
As you name what your body's doing here.
And now if it feels right you can bring one or both hands to wherever you identify as your center.
Maybe that's heart,
Belly,
Maybe womb.
If you're going to ask yourself this question without thinking about what the right answer is just let words arise.
The question is,
What do I really need the root of this anger or frustration,
What,
What do I really need,
And let your body answer it for you without thinking about it too much.
You can also write this if you like.
You can do a free right.
You might be thinking of many words just say them out loud or quietly to yourself.
What do you really need.
If you're coming up with something that seems more kind of abstract think about what is the need under that need.
Can you drop down even further.
What do you really need.
I'm seeing people say to feel safe to be truly seen and loved unconditionally.
The understanding that I'm capable of finding stability to put myself first.
I need kindness,
Acceptance,
Tenderness,
Just breathe and keep,
Keep dropping down and in.
Is there any need under this need.
I need community permission to not have to apologize for my needs.
So take some deep breaths and see if now.
You can allow your mind's eye to show you just a child version of you,
A very young version of yourself.
Who is it that needs this tuning into that vulnerable version of you and just looking at them with tenderness.
You can imagine yourself as the strongest,
Most loving version of your mature adult self looking now at this younger version of you perhaps the child you.
Just let your imagination be vivid here as you really see them.
And imagine yourself now meeting that need in the way that they would want you to.
Maybe they want to hug,
But make sure that they that it's on their terms.
And just breathe now.
And if you're finding tears know that you are opening.
You are opening.
What has been armored before you're opening to life.
So just let flow what needs to flow.
Is there anything as you encounter this younger version of yourself Is there anything else that they need.
And just let them tell you.
Now whenever that feels complete feel a lot of gratitude for them for showing you this need.
And for receiving for receiving your love.
Thank you for receiving.
And even if they were to,
If they weren't in a place to be able to receive thank them to thank you for showing me who you are.
And if you're ready you can with the spirit of gratitude just come back to the present and look around your space.
Taking any movement that feels nourishing.
How was that for you to sit with your need.
Was that new.
A lot of tears.
And there's a lot of,
I'm seeing a lot of thought and wondering about how how do I get my needs met,
How do I find my community.
How do I find my people.
And in my experience,
And in the experience of the many,
Many people I've worked with in my career.
The universe,
Usually doesn't work in the way that we figure something out first and then it happens it's like we open to the feeling within ourselves and the longing for what we need,
Without trying to control our external reality right we might take responsibility and put some things in place for sure.
But we don't try to make it happen.
You connect within to that longing in yourself.
And by some magic of the universe it's often the case that when we truly and deeply love the longing,
When we learn to exalt the need.
It is met in our experience.
Have you had that have you experienced that in your own life,
Perhaps.
It's like,
It's only when,
Like I dated a whole,
I not to count them out,
But I dated a whole line of extremely emotionally unavailable partners.
And it was only when I decided that,
Like,
I,
I gave up,
And I just started to dream about finding someone who was easy to be with and fun,
You know,
But also letting that go like I dreamed it but I also let it go.
And that's when I met my current husband.
And I wasn't trying to.
Yeah,
So see if you can just notice yourself wanting to control,
Because of course you do right so love the part of yourself that wants to control the outcome.
Love that part of yourself.
I see you and I love you of course you want to make things happen,
Right.
Of course you want to control the outcome.
But when we control,
Remember that control is resistance to life.
Control is resistance to life.
Letting go,
Grieving,
Allowing is moving into the flow of life.
Vulnerability is moving into the flow of life.
So how can you be more vulnerable and less trying to control.
And that will root worthiness in you and will only help you to find the people to surround yourself with you will see,
Feel,
Sense hear you for who you really are,
Giving you that worthiness,
You know,
But it's also important to.
It's also important to know that in the culture that we live in.
There's always going to be part of us that struggles to feel worthy.
You know,
And so when I,
When I titled this talk unshakable self worth part of me was laughing a little bit.
Because of course we're fluid beings we do change,
We are shaken,
But my intention behind naming this talk the way I did is that.
Imagine yourself like a tree with deep roots.
Of course you're going to move in the breeze and you're going to forget your innate worthiness and you're going to come back,
But the roots are stable the roots are unshakable.
You will always be able with the tools of vulnerability of exalting your own need,
Without attachment to the outcome,
You will always be able to remember that you are as perfect and beautiful and lovable as this rose behind me.
I'll just show you again.
Remember that this is not.
This is not a path of perfection.
We want to make it a path of perfection.
But that is also the disease of unworthiness perfection is always perfection always feels unworthy.
Because perfection strives to control and under the control is a feeling of deep unworthiness that I need to be controlled because I'm not good enough as I am.
Right.
Does anybody else have any remaining questions I know there were a few people asking is a community can a community be two people.
No,
I'm sorry to say that it can't.
It needs to be more.
We need,
We need more mirrors than that.
And this is not a popular opinion,
Because it's very difficult to have a community of more than two people in the culture we live in.
Okay,
Georgina says I found myself apologizing to my child self for not being there for her which made me feel more unworthy How could I be responsible for parenting my child self.
And Georgina.
Yeah,
So of course,
Of course,
You felt like apologizing to your child self,
Because the circuitry of unworthiness is so interwoven into your being that you don't know another way.
Right.
Besides apologizing for yourself.
So I want you to love that part of you who feels the need to apologize.
And just let that flow.
As you love the part of yourself that feels the need to apologize.
You are actually loving your inner child.
So,
Love that part of yourself.
Let the tears flow,
Just know that it's okay to want to apologize.
And also set the intention to listen to your child self.
You might free right and ask them a question and just free right because I promise you like when we really listen to our child selves,
Most of the time,
They're not asking us to apologize.
They're expressing themselves.
As a mother to an almost three year old I I know my three year old like she just expresses herself.
So,
Love yourself for the part of you that wants to apologize and also set the intention to listen to build a relationship with her or them.
And you can do that with any of my shadow work guided meditations on insight timer like shadow work for inner child healing for example.
Yeah.
Catherine says how does codependence fit into this.
So,
Please listen if you haven't already to my talk on insight timer called codependency and loneliness.
For my full answer to that question.
I'm trying to remember the really great definition of codependency that I read about.
Yes,
It's and please remind me of the author,
I think she's the author of codependent no more.
She defines codependency as losing oneself in the name of helping another losing oneself in the name of helping another.
Oh,
Yeah,
A lot of you know it Melanie Beatty melody,
Beatty.
Yeah.
So,
Losing oneself in the name of helping another so how could you imagine that this fits into that.
Somebody who's codependent does not feel like their needs are worthy of being met.
They are probably unaware of their own needs,
Because we're so used to as codependent or people pleasing folks were so used to directing our energy to Oh,
What do you need,
What do you need,
Who do you need me to be right now.
So this practice of exalting and claiming your own need is also to heal from codependency and again please listen to my talk codependency and loneliness for my full full answer to that.
J Miel says can we have both community and ourselves for restoring our worth I feel we need both and not either or.
So J Miel isn't it interesting that we think of ourselves as apart from community.
What is the self.
What is the self,
If not interwoven into the network of all beings.
So it's kind of like,
What community are you in.
This is subtle,
But it's like part of the cultural sickness that we have is blinders to our interwoven this with one another.
So like,
It always is both necessarily we are ourselves and we are interwoven into a community.
Some of us.
I have people around me who do not honor me right I have people around me who depended on me not having boundaries who depended on me being people pleasing on who depended on me not having needs.
So,
Part of the scariness of the healing path is that realization that we might need to change our community,
Or at least extend our community to have people around us who meet us where we need to be met.
So just keep keep the intention that those people are there.
Those people are there already.
And remember that change always happens slower than we want it to because we live in a culture of immediate gratification.
So we have this,
Like melodoma so me says,
The main difference between the West and indigenous cultures is not technology or lifestyle it's speed.
It's our speed in the West,
That is really really different and so when we slow down and take deep breaths and know that change will happen,
Just not at this really unnatural speed that we're used to sometimes that can give us a breath of fresh air.
Yeah,
I needed it yesterday I needed it last year.
Come on.
I want to heal right now.
Hmm.
Yeah.
And Heidi says,
What if someone living in community was hurt by others in the community.
Well then it's time to have either an honest talk with them right using tools such as nonviolent communication.
So,
In the West,
We're also conflict averse especially in the United States here,
And probably also Britain.
The Anglo world.
We're extremely conflict averse.
So we think some of us think if I have conflict that means I should just up and go.
Or that means I should leave entirely you know so if I would say,
If you're if anyone here is finding that you're in a toxic community,
Or maybe not toxic but where there's a lot of conflict or pain.
Your first path of action is always to initiate dialogue.
Right,
So using tools like nonviolent communication,
Speaking from your own feelings,
Needs and desires,
And seeing if you can create solutions.
And if the other person or people are not open to that,
Then it's probably time to leave.
But always make sure that you initiate and then also get professional.
Not mentoring but like,
I can't think of the word,
Like a therapist or just get professional help where there's a,
An objective party with you and then.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does that make sense.
If somebody is,
Is not open to growing healing meeting your needs,
Then that's not healthy relationship.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for your donations.
It's a great way to say that this has been helpful for you.
You can also donate on my teacher profile so make sure to follow me as a teacher on insight timer if you don't already.
I frequently post new things and also make sure to join our shadow work group on insight timer,
Which is the place that we connect between lives.
And I often ask for requests for live event topics.
And you can seek you can ask questions in the group,
Our shadow work group isn't like because it has like 1200 people in it's not the best for like one on one dialogues but you can definitely ask a question that you think might have like resonance with other people.
And sometimes we've I mean,
Often we've had really rich and helpful discussions in that group if someone has an issue that a lot of other people can relate to.
So thank you all so much if you're in the shadow work group already just for being an awesome member of that community,
And thank you everybody for being here today.
I wish you remembering of your worthiness.
And as you sit in that,
And really like expand the feeling of your need.
This is the opposite of what we're taught to do in our culture of,
You know,
Don't be needy don't depend on other people right is what you're taught to do that.
But actually if you do the shadow work of lead leaning into that resistance and discomfort about having needs.
And imagine that energy of the need as your life force energy right expanding and expanding and expanding I like to think of it as like a golden light that takes up more and more space.
And it's just had amazing results for me.
Just feel so much,
I feel like I have a center line within me that I never had before,
Even after decades of doing personal work so I really hope it has that effect for you too so just keep practicing and experimenting with it.
And thank you all so much for being here,
And for all that you brought today.
Thank you for your hearts.
Reach out anytime on the shadow work group or email or however works for you with your questions or comments and I will see you next time.
Bye everybody.
