Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Bestselling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
So today we're going to be talking about the sneaky things narcissists do.
So when we're talking about narcissists,
We're talking about people who are living below the veil of consciousness.
We're talking about people who are highly reactive.
We're talking about people who are very fragile.
We're talking about people who blame shift.
We are talking about people who lack empathy,
Who have a true empathy impairment,
Who feel entitled to exploit the emotions of other people.
They are generally argumentative,
And they can use just about any excuse in the book to be abusive towards you and to manipulate you or to treat you with indifference.
And there are things that manipulative people do.
There are things that narcissistic people do that someone who is generally healthier in mind,
Body,
And spirit will not do.
I think it's also important to recognize that this type of information is not to shame someone that you might think is a narcissist.
It's not to make someone feel bad that perhaps they have narcissistic traits.
If you are someone who searches out this information to use it against someone,
Dear one,
That's the wrong reason to learn about this information.
And if anything,
That is a bit narcissistic in and of itself.
We learn about narcissism to help empower ourselves.
We learn about narcissism to better prepare ourselves to have healthy relationships.
Certainly if I am also living below the veil of consciousness,
As it is in the case if you are codependent,
If you fixate on the needs of other people,
If you are obsessed with other people's behavior and you tend to be someone who then focuses on someone's behavior and then you try to change it,
Then you are definitely going to find yourself in relationships that are toxic,
That drain you,
And keep you stuck.
Certainly if you're someone who is struggling with the fear of abandonment,
Then you learning about narcissism can help you pay attention to your traits,
Can help you pay attention to the way that you think.
It can help you unwind the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck,
That keep you seeking approval,
That have you trying to take care of people enough so that they love you and maybe never leave you.
When you're codependent,
You don't know it.
And when you are involved with someone who has a high conflict personality,
When you are involved with someone who takes your boundary as a threat,
Then you are in shark-infested waters because someone who is highly narcissistic can be indifferent,
They can blame you,
They can judge you,
And they could really get you to feel even worse about yourself.
Someone who is struggling with codependency is shame-based,
They are denial-based,
Which is a double whammy because you are unaware that you are codependent and you are in denial that shame is what is responsible for the codependency traits that are manifesting in your thinking,
In your believing,
And in your relationships.
So we don't know that we're codependent.
We don't know that we have a lot of empathy for other people and very little to no empathy for the self.
We don't know that we have a negative self-concept.
We are unaware that we have a negative self-concept.
All we know is that we need to make other people happy and we might not even be aware that we have this need to make other people happy.
Someone else might have to point it out to us and say,
Why do you jump every time so and so says,
I need a glass of water?
Or why is it that you feel like you have to take care of everyone?
Why don't you ever put yourself first?
Why are you running yourself ragged for these kids,
These adult children?
They don't seem to give a damn about how you're feeling.
Why do you always give your money to other people and yet you don't have enough money to buy yourself a decent pair of shoes?
Why is it that you are so self-sacrificing that you are not able to stay healthy?
Don't you see like you're driving yourself crazy trying to make other people happy?
Most codependents who are unaware that they are unaware don't see it.
And that's why I like to talk about these issues in this niche because I'm of the belief that if someone is struggling with these issues and they hear it presented in a way that makes sense to them,
They can liberate themselves from these behaviors and more importantly,
Change the programs because codependency is neurology.
Because codependency is neurological.
What do I mean by that?
I don't mean like it's neurological.
I don't mean that it's neurological in the sense that MS is a neurological condition.
What I mean is that codependency is what happens to us or it manifests once our brain has been wired for survival.
That's what I mean when I say it's neurology.
When I say that codependency is a lack of spirit,
What I'm saying is that as a codependent,
You were taught that your emotions didn't matter.
And if you were taught that as a child,
You were forced to abandon the self or abandon spirit.
So now you're not connected to yourself and you're not even aware that you're not connected to yourself.
You're not even aware that you don't have a self.
So what do you do?
You stay fixated on what's happening outside of you and you try to gain a sense of self by trying to be good enough.
If this is you learning about narcissistic traits,
Learning about how narcissists exploit people who have high empathy and exploit people who have a fear of abandonment will help you.
So I wanted to discuss this sneaky thing that someone who has high narcissism will do once you set a boundary.
And once you see it,
If this has happened to you,
You're going to say,
Oh my gosh,
That's happened to me a thousand times with this person and with that person.
I just never saw that that's actually what was going on.
So when you are relatively healthy,
Then you know,
At least on an innate level,
That people should be nice to you.
And you also recognize when people aren't very nice to you.
And depending on where you are in terms of your level of self-awareness and where you are in terms of trauma recovery and where you are in terms of your emotional and mental well-being,
You will be able to determine whether or not this person actually acted in a kind way or actually went out of their way to hurt you.
The natural thing to do is to say,
Hey,
Lisa,
When you said this and when you did this,
I was hurt by it.
And if I'm a healthy person,
Then I have the ability to hold space for you because I care about you.
And I'm able to listen to you because I don't want you to feel like I don't care about you.
I care about you and I care about how you see me,
Not from a narcissistic place,
But from the place of authenticity.
It's important to me that you as someone that I care about know that I care,
That I hurt your feelings,
And I want you to know that I'm going to do everything I can to be more sensitive around this issue for you because I care about you.
That's the way it should go.
And hopefully,
Hopefully you are not someone who abuses someone else's empathy and you are coming to the table because you would generally felt or you generally felt like I did something that was insensitive,
That I reacted out of anger,
Or I said or did something that hurt you in some way that you feel that I should take responsibility for because there is a caveat.
There are people who are very callous and there are people who will make you responsible for everything and anything.
They are unaware that the burr is under their saddle.
They are irritated.
They are angry.
Their temperament is one that is aggravated most of the time.
So they have this general disgust for life or general disgust for people,
A general intolerance for other people who are not just like them.
And they do expect people to cater to their needs.
And so I'm speaking on behalf of people who know that they're not asking too much,
That they're not overly sensitive,
That they aren't seeking other people in a way that makes other people feel like they're responsible for them.
I'm speaking to people who are in a relationship,
Who are responsible,
And who feel the need to say to someone,
Hey,
When you said that or when you did that,
It made me feel X,
Y,
And Z,
And I'd like to flush it out.
I'd like to have a conversation around it because I care about you and I want you to know how I feel about you because I care about us.
I care about us,
Dear one,
And I want to make sure that you and me are good so that the foundation of the relationship that we have is strong so that we can build upon it.
That's how much I care about you by telling you how I feel.
That's what healthy people do or that's what we should all be trying to do.
When you're dealing with someone who has a high conflict personality,
When you're dealing with someone who's fragile,
When you're dealing with somebody who is either an overt or a vulnerable shy narcissist,
When you're dealing with someone who does not want to take accountability,
When you're dealing with someone who has the inability to look at themselves,
When you're dealing with someone who has a lack of empathy outside their corner office,
Outside their part of the woods,
Outside their home,
Outside of what's important to them,
Which means that if you are part of their inner circle and they feel like you're important to them or you're of value to them,
Then they may have empathy for you,
But the empathy that they're offering is everything to do with them.
Let's say you have a narcissistic dad who seems to have empathy for his son who is a roller hockey star.
The empathy that seems to be given to the child who has to go to roller hockey and they have to buy all this equipment for him,
It may be because it makes the dad feel good about being the roller hockey kid's dad.
The dad might be getting some source of narcissistic supply from being the taxi cab driver to these events.
It has to do with dad.
A telltale sign would be what happens to dad's sense of self and morale when the child doesn't want to do roller hockey anymore or the child doesn't score in the game.
What happens to dad?
How does his mood shift and what does he turn into when the demand for narcissistic supply has been threatened because this boy doesn't want to play roller hockey anymore or he's not the roller hockey star or he's not getting the accolades that he used to or he was injured?
What happens to dad's temperament at that point?
When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,
You might see somebody who has empathy for others,
But usually the empathy is towards those who offer the parent or the person a source of narcissistic supply.
Then that narcissistic supply and that empathy for you goes out the window.
It's important to understand that because when you want to set a boundary with someone who has high narcissistic traits,
One of the most sneakiest things that they will do is that they will accuse you of judging them.
Your desire to set a boundary,
Your desire to flush out,
Hey,
When you did this and you did that,
They will become defensive,
They will become agitated,
And they will want to blame you for that way that they behave.
You will become the reason they did what they did.
It will be your fault they behaved that way.
Because you had the audacity to bring it to the table,
They take the position that you are judging them,
That you're not allowing them to say what they want to say.
You're saying to them that they don't have a right to feel what they feel.
They twist it on you.
They might even use your language,
Healthy language,
Against you.
Imagine confronting someone who is narcissistic and saying,
You told me you were going to pick up my kids at three o'clock.
At five to three,
You decided you just weren't going to do that.
As a result,
My kids were waiting outside in the rain until they found someone who had a cell phone and could contact me.
The narcissist turning around and saying,
Well,
They found you,
Didn't they?
You know what?
You know how busy my day is and why didn't you know that this was going to be difficult for me?
The narcissist already said that we were going to do it,
Goes out the window.
Or the narcissist will say,
Are you judging me?
Are you saying that I don't have the right to change my mind?
Are you saying that I should have blown off this emergency meeting to pick up your kids?
That's selfish of you.
I hear you judging me.
Are you saying that I don't have a right to have an emergency meeting even though I agreed to pick up your kids?
You could have had someone else pick up your kids.
What happens in these scenarios with someone who reacts poorly this way is that your reality gets obliterated.
The sneaky thing that they do is that they become very defensive,
Argumentative.
They're defending the poor thing that they do.
They're defending the action they took that actually hurt you.
They're defending their opinion.
They're defending their reasons.
And on top of it,
They're using crazy making conversations to annihilate your thought process.
And what this does is this eradicates your ability to hold onto your opinion.
Someone who is highly narcissistic gets so defensive and so angry that they will cut you off.
They will dismiss you.
They will stop talking to you.
They will tell everybody that you were the one that was too sensitive.
They will justify and rationalize.
They will bring things up that happened 20 years ago to justify why they didn't pick your kids up from grammar school at five to three when for a week they said,
Yep,
They were going to be able to pick up your kids.
They don't have it within their arsenal,
Their mental and emotional arsenal to say,
I'm sorry.
I knew I should not have taken that call.
I should have rescheduled it.
It was wrong of me.
And I'm so sorry that I caused you or your children any pain,
Any upset because you were relying on me.
You were counting on me.
So someone who has a high conflict personality,
Someone who is highly narcissistic,
Someone who can't deal with stress very well,
And someone who has a difficult time organizing their thoughts and understanding that they have a responsibility to other people,
You are going to be met with crazy making communication.
You are going to be accused of being narcissistic yourself.
You are going to be accused of being insensitive.
They are going to tell you that you judge them.
They're going to tell you that you don't care about them,
That you're inconsiderate,
That you should consider how important this meeting was.
You are going to be accused of caring more about your children than about their meeting.
And if you're not careful,
If you don't see this quagmire that someone who does this,
If you don't see the quagmire that they're stirring up,
It's very easy for you to lose your sense of reality.
It's very easy for you to even wonder,
Am I a narcissist?
Do I have the right to feel this way?
And you have to understand that if you are second guessing yourself and if you are wounded because someone else accuses you of judging them,
Then that means that you're not a narcissist.
If it hurts you to think that someone that you love or someone that you cared about could imagine that you could be insensitive to their needs,
That's a sign that you are not the narcissist.
If it hurts you to think that you're setting a boundary with someone has caused this person to think and feel like you're judging them and it hurts you that this person thinks this way,
You are not a narcissist.
Now what do you do in a situation when you try to confront someone and they turn it on you and they accuse you of judging them?
That's a really big one.
People who struggle to take accountability flip it on you and say,
You're just judging me.
Oh,
I said that and that hurt your feelings but you're judging me because I feel that way.
Why can't I just feel that way?
It's like it's crazy making.
A healthy person wouldn't want to kick you when you were down,
A healthy person cares about how you see them,
A healthy person wants you to feel loved and a healthy person will be careful about the things that they say if they think the thing that they say is going to hurt your feelings.
They approach it gently.
They approach it wanting resolution.
When you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic,
You have to understand they're not interested in negotiations.
They can't go there.
They're so fragile that they react like a wounded animal.
They react and their mind will tell them their propensity for entitlement,
Their inability to take accountability will throw them into ego defense mechanisms that push you away.
You become the enemy and then that gives them the right to speak poorly about you and that gives them the right to remember this,
This,
This,
This,
This and this as if things that happened 20 years ago have anything to do with you for them not picking up your kids at five to three or calling you at five to three and telling you I'm not going to be able to get there.
Meanwhile,
You've scheduled your entire work week around this person saying they're going to get there.
You want to be careful when dealing with this type of a person because you are not going to win and you're going to have to figure out how much of your energy and your time you're going to spend trying to convince someone that your perception of the situation is in fact valid or your perception of the situation matters.
When dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic,
There always has to be a payoff.
When they're talking to you,
There's a payoff.
When they're doing something for someone,
There's a payoff.
Oftentimes it's narcissistic supply and they don't even realize it.
When you come along and you don't offer them narcissistic supply and you say,
Hey,
What you did hurt me,
You're in for a fight because this person does not care about you to the level that you care about them.
They can't.
Their agenda is to protect the self and to be able to justify and rationalize every selfish decision,
Every decision that affects and hurts other people.
They don't care.
It's about them.
They're not able to pan out and see the big picture.
They're not thinking about the consequences of their actions.
They're not thinking about how doing this is going to affect you.
They don't really have the capacity to wonder like,
How does this action cause the person that I love to see me and view me?
Will this action cause the person that I love to feel unloved,
Disrespected and unworthy?
They're not thinking that way.
I can tell you that worrying about people,
Focusing on people and trying to change people doesn't work.
The more injustice you're going to feel because you can get caught up thinking it's so simple.
How can this person not see the big picture here?
If you're not careful,
You can become someone who wants to have conversations to 4 a.
M.
Until this person admits that what they did was inappropriate.
That is the wrong way to go about this.
The way you go about this is that you honor the truth.
You honor as painful as it is to see this as someone that you care about,
As painful as it is to see this as someone that you love,
You have to accept that in terms of their ability to care about you,
When it comes to them being able to show you that they love you and to hear what you have to say,
When it comes to that level of love,
They might not be able to do that.
You have to decide how much of yourself you want to give these relationships.
When you have that figured out,
Then you can figure out where to set a boundary.
Oftentimes what we have to do is just recognize that my next door neighbor did this to me.
I don't think I'm going to spend as much time with them.
We can do it graciously and we can do it compassionately.
We don't have to be angry.
We can just set a boundary.
We don't even have to tell this person that we set the boundary.
We just have to say no.
Lisa,
Can you pick up my dog from the pet groomer?
No.
Lisa,
Can you take my mother to the vet to pick up my dog from the pet groomer?
No.
Lisa,
Would you mind watering my flowers while I go on vacation?
No.
I'm not doing it to be mean.
I'm just acknowledging and validating that the type of compassion and empathy that I had for you isn't reciprocated.
That's okay because everybody's different.
The world's a big world.
What we put out,
We receive.
If you're someone who has the ability to have empathy for other people,
If you're someone who can regulate your emotions,
If you're someone who wants to take accountability for their actions,
If you're someone who honors your agreements,
If you're someone who speaks with integrity,
If you are impeccable with your word,
If you're someone who generally very,
Very much cares about the people that you love feeling loved,
Then you just go on being you.
Can you notice that there are people in your life that abuse you,
That discard you,
That turn conversations around on you,
That accuse you of being judgmental simply because you said,
Hey,
That hurt,
Or they want to lie to you,
Or they want to put you down,
Or they want to bring up things that happened 20 years ago to justify why they did this in the now?
You have to know that this person might not be someone that you can trust long-term in the future.
That's valuable information because you have to figure out who to show your energy to,
Who you want to hang out with,
Who you want to talk to,
And who you want to spend the most time with in your life because that is your birthright.
Recognize this trait.
It might be difficult to say,
But it does you good because you don't have to have crazy making conversations,
And you won't spend the rest of your life trying to convince someone else that they hurt your feelings.
You'll be able to see it for what it is.
Namaste,
Everybody.
Until next time.
Cent lego you
