An Easier Way to Self-Worth

24:14

24:14

An Easier Way to Self-Worth

by Noah Elkrief

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4.7

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talks

Activity

Meditation

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Everyone

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889

The vast majority of us are seeking self-worth (confidence) through the pursuit of success, love, and approval. We spend a lot of time and energy on this pursuit. But, is it working? Can it work? What if there was a quicker, easier, more effective way to pursue self-worth?

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Hello, My name is Noah Elkrief, And in this video, I would like to share with you some insights about self-worth and our strategy to get it. So it is incredibly common for human beings to feel inadequate. For each of us, The word that we may use for that is different. It might feel not good enough, Insufficient, Lacking, Incomplete, Unlovable, Like everything I do is wrong, I'm defective, I'm terrible, Or whatever version it is. Sometimes we're really aware of this feeling, And sometimes it's just kind of hiding in the background, Just waiting to get triggered and activated again. We tend to consciously or unconsciously live our life trying to get away from this feeling, Trying to feel good enough to feel secure, Worthy, Whole, Lovable, Complete. And I'd like to make the unconscious conscious today, To really investigate our tactic for feeling good enough, And to perhaps offer something that might be more effective or efficient. So how are you seeking self-worth? How are you seeking an end to insecurity and inadequacy? What are you doing? How are you living your life? What's important to you? How are you spending your time? There are many ways that we do this, Of course, But two come to me as very, Very common. And one is achieving success. So many of us are seeking success just to try to feel better about ourselves. We're seeking success as a way to prove ourselves, To prove that we're finally good enough. If I get a good grade on this exam, Then I'm finally smart or good enough or lovable. If I get this job, Then I'm good enough. If I get this promotion, If I get this high of a salary. So we're always putting in so much effort, So much energy to try to get the next level of success so that we can finally feel good enough and whole. Of course, We're not aware of that a lot of the time. We just think, I want the promotion. I want the job. And sometimes, Of course, It is just a genuine desire, A genuine passion. And a lot of the times, It's tainted or hijacked by our unworthiness, By our inadequacy. And so the question I have for you as a part of that is, Is it working? Is your pursuit of success and accomplishments working to get you the fulfillment and wholeness that you're longing for? Is it working to get rid of your sense of inadequacy or defectiveness? You don't need to be a fortune teller to know what the future is going to be. Just look at the past. How many times have you wanted something with the idea it would make you happy or feel good enough and it just didn't deliver the results that you hoped for? It can be really devastating or disappointing even sometimes when we get what we want. It can give us this momentary high. Maybe we feel this excitement or elation or joy or enoughness or relaxation or relief when we finally complete something or make it to the next level or accomplish something. But how long does that last for? How long do you feel that way until you're onto the next thing trying to prove yourself again? How long do you get to relax for before you feel the need to prove yourself again, Before the inadequacy shows up again? Underneath the feeling of trying to prove yourself, Underneath this hard effort, There's almost always inadequacy, Insufficiency that we're trying to get away from. My invitation to you is to not run away from it, To not try to get away from it, To not seek changing something in the external world, To seek success externally in order to get away from a feeling that's inside of you. The reason why that's my invitation is because there's a much more efficient and effective way to deal with your sense of inadequacy than to just pursue success and keep winning, Winning, Winning, Winning. Every time you win, Maybe you have a win every day when you get a new client, When you make a new sale, When you prove to someone that you're smart and capable of finding the answers. You perform well in a certain task, Great. You get that win and then the anxiety comes right back that the next one might be a loss. No matter how much you win, You never know whether the next moment you'll win again or you will lose. The pressure's always on. The anxiety's always on. Can you stay good enough? Can you stay winning? Can you stay on top? Can you stay at the pace of improvement and productivity that you've been on? Even if you can, Will you enjoy it? What if you had more joy in your life? What if you felt good enough and worthy and you went for success from your passion, From a relaxed force? What if you could have a motivation that was relaxed and enjoyable and natural? Maybe you spend the same number of hours working. Maybe you spend more. Maybe you spend less. I don't care. It's about the life force energy moving through you without pushing, Forcing, Forcing through these blocks, Forcing through the things that get in the way. It can be much more enjoyable than that. Maybe what you're doing isn't really what you want to be doing, But you're just doing it to try to prove to yourself and others that you're good enough. The invitation is to go towards the inadequacy, Towards the unworthiness instead of running away from it. You see, When we look for success, When we pursue success, We're actually pursuing the belief that I'm good enough. Sometimes, Of course, It can be a genuine desire, But a large percentage of the time, Our pursuit of success and accomplishments in high performance is just trying to prove that we're worthy. We're trying to get to the point where we can finally convince ourselves, I did it. I'm finally good enough. This proves it. Now, I have sufficient evidence that I am enough. The problem is no external accomplishment can ever prove that you're enough because, One, You're already enough and you just believe that you're not. There's a wound probably from your childhood that you're running away from. No matter how much you add on top of it, It does nothing to get rid of the original wound. You may already know you're smart. You may already know you're successful, But you can't let it in. You can't feel it. It doesn't penetrate your whole system. You know it intellectually, But yet maybe you feel inadequate, Feel stupid, Feel defective, Feel insufficient. It's not a mental thing. The more you accomplish, You can tell yourself, You can even write down a list of all your accomplishments, And it could factually, Seemingly prove that you are capable, Good enough, Smart, And wonderful. But will that be enough to help you feel it every day, All day, As your base? As your base. That's just how you operate from this deep embodied knowing, I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. Instead of pursuing this strategy of trying to convince yourself that you're good enough, I recommend, I offer the invitation to go towards the inadequacy, To go towards the unworthiness, To explore it. What's there? What do you really feel underneath it all? Shame, Hurt, Like nothing you do is enough? I don't know. Can you just allow yourself to feel it? Can you allow yourself to go there and explore it? If you move in the direction of unworthiness, Of inadequacy, You can finally meet and deal with it, Instead of trying to put enough layers of worthiness on top of it that you finally never feel it again. I'm not going to share exactly what to do with the unworthiness right now, But I just want to offer this invitation, This possibility, This option that maybe you never heard, Which is to go towards the pain, Instead of running away from it. To be with your inadequacy, Instead of trying to get away from it. Now, To switch it slightly, The other tactic that we have is by trying to get love and approval. One tactic is trying to seek success in order to feel good enough. The other major tactic that we as humans seem to pursue is love and approval. We seek relationships and friends and compliments and praise from our parents and everyone that we work with and everything, To try to convince us that we're worthy and lovable and good enough and likable and funny and cool and everything else in between. How is that working? How is that working out for you? Maybe you're in a relationship and sometimes your partner does something that seems to, Without a doubt, Prove to you that she loves you, That he loves you. Then you feel, Yay, I know it. They really love me. They sacrificed their time to do something for you. Or they really came up with a thoughtful gift. Or they stayed with you in a moment that you thought nobody would. You're like, They really love me. It feels relaxing and yay, I know it. Then what happens the next day? What happens after that? Does it stay with you? Do you stay feeling secure, Feeling good enough, Feeling loved? Or do you need the next affirmation from them, The next confirmation from them? They call you and say, I love you. They call you and want to talk for an hour. What if they don't call you tomorrow? What if they don't call you the next day? We're always waiting for the next confirmation that we're loved. Or maybe you're hanging out with friends and they laugh at your jokes today. You're like, Yay, They really like me. They really think I'm funny. But what about the next time you interact with them? You have to prove yourself all over again because maybe they won't think you're funny today. Maybe they won't like you today. So seeking self-love and self-worth through looking to other people's opinions of you, Praise of you, High perception of you is a fool's errand. It's ineffective, Inefficient, And it's just not nice because then every time we go into an interaction, We're trying to prove ourselves. So we're trying to be what we think they will love. So if they want someone outgoing, Maybe we try to be outgoing. If they want someone smart, Maybe we try to be someone smart. And then we strategize, Often unconsciously, How to be, How to act, How to speak, How to move according to what will get us love. We may even choose jobs, Choose clothes, Choose everything in our life based on what we think will get us love. Instead of just following our own heart and our own authenticity. We make choices based on what will get us love. Even if we get love, It doesn't feel relaxing. It doesn't feel nurturing. It doesn't feel, We can't really let it in fully because they're not loving us. They're loving some creation we made, Some persona. And of course, Then when we're with them, We're not really meeting them. We're not getting to know them. We're not connecting. We're not seeing them and hearing them. We're just analyzing their facial expressions, Hoping that we can interpret it in such a way that we can confirm that they still like us, That they love us, That they want to be spending time with us. And there's no connection there, No relaxation there. Just analysis anxiety and endless cycle on repeat. Strategize, Get love, Feel good, Anxiety to keep it. So once again, My invitation for you is to not do that, Not do that, Not do that, But go towards the pain, Go towards your unworthiness. Explore what you're really feeling, What you're running away from. Why do you want their love? Why do you want the success? What is it going to do for you? What are you trying to get away from? Now, Don't get me wrong. I want to be really clear. I'm in a relationship. I love having a romantic partner. I love receiving love. I have friends. I love receiving love. I have you, People who watch my videos. I love receiving love. I love success. I love winning. I love achieving things. I love all of this. So this is not against success, And it's not against love. It's not against interaction. It is for self-love. It is for self-worth that when I'm in relationship, When I'm in pursuit of success, That I'm doing it from a place of self-worth and self-love instead of looking for results in success and relationships in order to finally feel worthy and good enough. So what are you trying to get away from? What are you scared to feel? What do you hope to never feel again? What comes up? I've felt all of it. I've felt inadequate, Like I'm a horrible person, Like I'm broken, Like I'm defective, Like nothing I do is ever good enough, That I'm stupid. I've felt all of it. And through feeling all of it, From breaking my heart open to my own inadequacy, I could finally let go of it. You can only let go of this pain. Let go of all of these deep beliefs that you're somehow inefficient or stupid or unworthy or whatever. You can only let go of these if you first acknowledge that they're there. If you be really, Really honest with yourself, Don't hide from it. We all have unworthinesses. I still have unworthinesses. I still have forms of inadequacy. But my base is worth. I live from a sense of self-worth, And every once in a while, I get activated with little inadequacies here and there. And there's no problem. I'm not scared of them anymore. I don't avoid them anymore. You're okay. When you feel unworthiness, It doesn't mean you are unworthy. When you feel inadequate, It doesn't mean you're inadequate. It's just a feeling. It's just a sensation. It seems as though the sensation, The emotion, Proves you're inadequate because how could you feel inadequate unless you are inadequate? But I would offer you a different way of seeing or a question that just because you feel a sensation that you call inadequacy, It doesn't mean you are inadequate. Just because you feel a sensation that you call unworthiness, It doesn't mean you're unworthy. The feeling of unworthiness is not proof that you're unworthy. The feeling of inadequacy is not evidence that you are inadequate. They're just sensations. Maybe created by a belief I'm inadequate, But just because you believe you're inadequate, It doesn't mean you are. Just because you believe you're unworthy doesn't mean you are. They're just beliefs that formed in moments in our childhood that we didn't know any better, And we hold onto the feeling and the belief that goes with it as if it's true. But I'm here to tell you, You, That you are worthy, That you are good enough, That you are complete as you are, And that no amount of success will ever make you more worthy or lovable. No amount of external love from other people will ever make you more worthy or lovable. You were born worthy and lovable. Is there any baby in the world that doesn't deserve love? Is there any baby in the world that is just inherently inadequate and defective? I would say no. Then they are eventually taught by society, By their parents and their school system unintentionally, Unconsciously that they are inadequate, That they have to do something to become worthy, That their emotions make them unworthy, That their intelligence level, That their inability to get things done by a certain time makes them unworthy. There's so many random ideas about where we seek self-worth from, That if I don't do this well I must be unworthy, If I can't do this I must be inadequate. No, None of that. None of your capabilities make you worthy or unworthy. That's just not where our worth comes from. If I sit here with you, Just me and you, Right now, When I look at you and when you look at me, When I hear you and when you hear me, What creates love? What creates connection? Is it an idea, You're great, That's how I get to love you? No, That's not love. That's positive thought. It's not love and it's not a nourishing way to live life. When I'm here with you, When I see you, When you see me, Love and connection comes from just meeting, Just meeting without all these ideas of I'm worthy, I'm unworthy. I don't care. Self-worth isn't like a thought in your head, I'm worthy, I'm special, I'm great. It's an experience, An embodied knowing I am enough and I meet you seeing your enoughness. I see your enoughness, I meet your enoughness. You are enough as you are. In order for you to live from the embodied knowing that you are enough, You must, According to my perspective, You must meet your unworthiness and explore it. In the coming videos, I will share many different tactics for how to explore it and weaken the power of unworthiness. It's not about getting rid of it forever, Who cares? It's about living from this deep knowing I am enough. When unworthiness comes, It just has no power. No power doesn't mean anything. It's just like a fly passing by, Okay? No worries, No problem. And I think that's all I have to say for now. So thank you for watching. If you found this video helpful, I'd appreciate it if you share it with others that it may help. And I will read your comments with any gratitude or any questions or concerns. I will read it and I probably won't reply to the comment, But I will make videos in the future partly based on the feedback I get and the concerns and questions I hear. So yeah, Thanks again for watching and see you soon. Bye.