So we begin.
This is not an easy subject,
But I'm really happy to see that there are spaces for this to have a voice,
For us to have a voice for all sides of the equation to have a better understanding to have educational pieces around understanding why things happen the way that they do,
How we end up in trauma bonds,
How we end up in abusive relationships,
How we get stuck in these narcissistic traps with people that have narcissistic tendencies.
Something that I want to speak to here first as we as we go into this subject is that I do my best to not pathologize anyone as narcissistic.
And I do my best to to not put anybody into a box for a reason that we're all human beings and that no matter the really painful behaviors that we might have,
That there is good somewhere somewhere deep within.
And there's also pain behind very painful actions and inactions.
There is suffering and in my own journey of healing from this type of abuse and relationship,
I note that the person and the persons that I've experienced this with are also human beings that have their own suffering,
That have their own wounds,
That have their own stories,
That have their own painful relationships with their parents and childhoods that didn't give them what they needed and didn't take care of their needs in a way that brought them into adulthood in a very entitled way that created a lot of suffering for my own path.
So I'll start from there and then move into the pieces of being on the on the receiving side of narcissistic tendencies or narcissism.
Very commonly,
We experience this in relationship to our parents that we might have a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father who simply could not empathize with where we were in our own experiences,
Who simply couldn't step into our bodies and understand what it was like for us to live in a relationship with them,
With this desire of being extensions of them in a way.
Even with deep narcissistic tendencies or overt narcissism truly sees the other human being as an extension of themselves.
This is called a narcissistic extension and it's when you become the base for a need to be fulfilled and when you fulfill your duty,
You are praised for that.
You might even feel that you've been breadcrumbed for that,
That you stayed in relationships,
In romantic relationships with somebody with narcissistic tendencies because in the moments when you are doing your due diligence and your duty,
They praised you like you were the king or the queen that you are.
But in the moments that you faltered out of that hero role to give them exactly what it was that they needed,
You became the persecutor,
You became the perpetrator,
You became the villain of their story because you were never able to give them exactly what they needed.
So when we come into relationships romantically with somebody that's narcissistic,
It can be really,
Really challenging.
It can feel like a hypnosis.
It can feel so profoundly clever and charming and those with narcissistic tendencies can be very charismatic and beguiling because it is a protective mechanism to be very charming and very charismatic because this is the way that they got their attention growing up.
Growing up,
Narcissists tend to have parents that were extremely anxious and gave them no attention or avoidant parents that gave them no attention or anxious parents that gave them too much attention.
So this desire to break free,
To be independent,
To need no one has created this being that can feel so completely independent in themselves but also demand so highly of others to the point where we're not able to meet their needs ever.
You know,
You can continue to pour,
To give,
To give,
To give and the narcissist,
There is abysmal,
There's this abysmal hole in the cavern of their needs that we can't feed.
And so coming out of a relationship with somebody that is narcissistic and,
Or if we're not able to come out of the relationship but transitioning it into something that's healthier,
Takes first creating boundaries that serve us.
So the reason I say this,
So many people will tell you to run the opposite direction when it comes to being in a relationship with a narcissist,
Which is never easy to do but more accessible to do if it's a romantic relationship.
On the other hand,
If you're in a relationship with a parent,
If it's your mother or father that's narcissistic,
If it's a best friend that's narcissistic,
If it's your sister's husband or your brother's best friend,
These relationships that you're not actually in control of creating a boundary with and leaving,
Then how do we get along with a narcissist?
How do we create boundaries to be in relationship with a narcissist but not to completely be drained by them?
And what this will mean is building a big wall,
Creating barriers to entry,
Having boundaries that keep you safe in relationship to a narcissist.
The reason that I touch upon this first is because it's often the most difficult thing to do.
Coming out of a relationship with a narcissist or just recognizing that you are in a relationship with somebody that's narcissistic can again be so confusing because we have been told so many times generally by the narcissist or the one with the narcissistic tendencies that it is us that is not worthy.
That is something is faulty in us,
Something is broken in us.
So coming out of this relationship we are still kind of in the hypnosis of shame.
We are in the hypnosis of unworthiness,
Of unloveability.
I'm not lovable,
I'm not worthy,
I'm not good enough.
So we might find ourselves clasping and grasping effortlessly,
Tirelessly for acceptance from this person in our life.
We may have done this our entire childhood if it's a parent or a grandparent or somebody in the family.
And we may cling to an abusive romantic relationship for far too long in hopes that we will somehow be seen or acknowledged by the person with narcissistic tendencies.
The sad thing here,
When somebody is very overtly narcissistic and deeply narcissistic,
Unfortunately that human quality of empathizing with you or seeing you or acknowledging you or ever truly feeling what it's like to be in your shoes or to receive this treatment falls on deaf ears.
Deaf ears are going to hear this information and it almost becomes humorous to the narcissistic because it feels overly dramatic,
It feels overly emotional.
And when you aren't doing what you need to do in order to fulfill their needs,
Then you become somewhat useless to that person.
So again here it's when we need to put up that boundary but we've made ourselves almost defeated in relationship to somebody with narcissistic tendencies.
It takes finding our power first.
We have to find our powerfulness in our powerlessness because when we come out of this relationship generally,
We tend to be so fatigued,
So exhausted.
Our nervous system is wrecked by being in this relationship.
We have become so codependent,
Stuck in a trauma pond with this relationship to the point that we have to really parent ourselves.
We need to step back from these relationships and first find what little semblance of power that we can find to kind of pull ourselves up off the ground and grieve the life that we thought that we had with this person.
So maybe if it's with the parents,
We have to grieve the fact that we may never be understood by our parent,
We may never fully be seen as a sovereign individual by our parent.
We might simply for the rest of our life be seen as an extension to our mother's need to feel fulfilled,
To our father's need to feel worthy.
For the rest of our lives that might be the hat that they want us to wear but we get to decide if we're going to continue to wear it.
And then we might have to grieve if it's a romantic relationship that that romance,
That story that we've been telling,
That beautiful love story,
That it's not true,
It's not based on a foundation of truth.
And that if we look at it in actuality,
There were always lies,
There were always deceptions,
We were always confused in that relationship.
And this can be the most painful because when you come out of that charismatic,
Charming,
Beautiful relationship with that hero that you found in him or her with those narcissistic qualities,
You don't want to tell yourself that that's the truth because it feels so good to hold on to a little bit of hope and faith that there was something in it,
Something special that you were special.
And that is one of the hardest things that we have to do.
We have to mourn that the reality in that relationship was dystopian at best,
That there were lies,
There were protective strategies,
There were coping mechanisms around us that we just weren't aware of.
We were kind of imprisoned in this love bombing,
This fantasy that had been created by the narcissistic person.
And this is painful.
So at first I want to say give yourselves empathy.
You know,
Grieve what you believe that you've lost.
Grieve the life that you've created in your mind because this is something that you're going to need to do.
You're grieving for two people because generally the narcissist,
If you leave them or if they leave you and you're that extension of them and it's that deep,
They will quickly and generally have another supply in the back end.
There is always someone.
And if it's a parent,
You know,
They might go to someone that you feel in competition with.
You know,
It might be your cousin or it might be one of their friends or their best friend's daughter that they compare you to constantly.
And this can feel so painful,
Like you were so important a moment ago and you're an extension of them,
You're praised by them.
And now all of a sudden they turn that attention somewhere else.
But know that someone with deep narcissistic tendencies,
They're not happy.
They're not happy even when they're controlling and manipulating and deceiving.
And even if they have multiple different supplies of energy and different people,
Different women or different men in the background to be connected with,
That they're not truly happy because there is something within that is so deeply pained from not being cared for when they were a child,
Not having the space that they needed,
Not having their needs met,
That they have become so cut off almost and numb from their hearts and from their ability to empathize and to feel that no matter how happy they may look,
Whatever photos they put up on social media or out,
However they present themselves to be,
It is very rare that some someone with deeply narcissistic tendencies does a 180 and gives that love and that empathy and that acknowledgement to someone else.
And I know that that can feel really painful because it feels like,
So I have to admit to myself that this wasn't special,
That this wasn't real,
That this was a fantasy.
But the moment that you can really cut away the deception that you deceived in yourself and the deception that you received from that person in your life,
The sooner you can step forward into your power and into empowered choice and give yourself choices.
Because those of us that have really been in narcissistically abusive relationships,
When we're in them,
We don't have a choice.
This is the most powerful part of coming out of the fog of the abuse is choice.
When you can finally pull yourself out of bed and you can feed yourself and you can care for yourself and you can see that how you're being treated is inhumane and it's not okay,
Something within you,
The hero within you,
The parent within you begins to step up and begins to take care of yourself.
And when your basic needs are met and you're feeding yourself and you're giving yourself rest and you're taking care of yourself,
Then choices begin to appear.
And the choice of do I want this person in my life or do I not want this person in my life becomes available because it wasn't available before.
Having them out of your life wasn't available.
You needed their acknowledgement.
You needed their breadcrumbing.
You needed their love bombing.
You needed that little bit of hope that you had that you'd be able to come back into love.
But in that moment,
The warrior awakens,
The flame burns and we step forward and we say enough is enough.
So when we're able to do that,
When we're able to see that how we're being treated is not okay and that enough is enough,
We can begin to create boundaries.
So if this is the parent that we have,
We begin to say,
No,
You cannot speak to me like that.
You cannot treat me like that.
And if you do,
I will no longer be available to you.
We begin to speak with discernment and clarity from an adult voice because what happens in these codependent narcissistic relationships is that those of us that are in the relationship with a narcissist,
We go back into that child consciousness and we say,
Yes,
Sir.
Yes,
Ma'am.
No,
No,
I'm so sorry.
Let me do more for you.
How can I show you my love?
Accept me,
Acknowledge me.
I'm here for you.
I serve you.
But when we step into our power and when we have choice,
We can see through that guise.
It's almost as if the veil lifts,
The hypnosis begins to dissolve and we see from a higher perspective and we say enough is enough.
Once you see what you see,
It can't be unseen.
This is the beauty of coming out of the guise of narcissistic abuse.
Once you truly see how you've been treated and know that it's wrong,
You will not allow it.
Now,
You might allow yourself to explain yourself.
You might want vengeance.
You might want justice.
You might want an apology.
This is the next thing that comes in our recovery is that all of a sudden we're powerful again and we have choice and we demand vengeance.
We demand justice.
We demand an apology.
And here so comes the next part of the healing.
Even if they say sorry and even if they look you in the eyes and they apologize,
Many times they will do that to save face.
Many times they will do that because that's what they need to do to not get kicked out of the tribe or get kicked out of the community.
But you can feel it.
You can feel in your heart if what they are saying they truly mean and a lot of times they don't.
And so again,
We go through the anger and the rage and the grief of I'm not getting what I desire.
I'm not getting what I deserve.
I'm not getting what I want.
I want an apology.
I want vengeance.
I want justice for how I've been treated.
And that's the part that we have to let go of because many people with narcissistic tendencies they will do everything that they can do to protect their reputation.
They need to look good.
It's all that they have.
They need to be successful.
They need to be acknowledged.
They need to be powerful.
They need to be beautiful.
And here you turn your attention away from them.
You're not going to get the apology that you want more than likely.
You're not going to get what you deserve in that emotional heart to heart connection where somebody looks you in the eyes and you feel in their heart that they know what they did to you was wrong and painful.
But what you do is you start to speak up for yourself.
And in the community,
I encourage you to let go of the vengeance,
Let go of the justice,
But do hold on to the accountability.
What I have learned in my healing is that I don't need to be this person's teacher or these people's teacher or my mother or father's teacher.
I don't need to teach those people that have put me through narcissistic abuse and made me extensions of themselves and their own suffering.
I don't actually really desire vengeance.
I don't desire justice.
What I deserve and what I desire is accountability.
And I can give that to myself.
I can say this is what I'm accountable for.
I'm accountable for the fact that I was codependent.
I'm accountable for the fact that I didn't have boundaries.
I'm accountable for the fact that I was born into victim mentality in this society and in the abuse that I received as a child to lead me to be attracted to somebody that would treat me so terribly.
I take accountability for the fact that I entered into these relationships and that I had a choice.
And then when I was in them,
That choice was taken away,
But I have the choice again.
And so my accountability now is that I will create the boundaries that I need.
I will not go into codependent relationships.
I will not be an extension of someone else.
And I will speak to that.
The next time somebody tries to place me in that role,
I will say,
I do not need you to be my hero.
I do not want you to be my hero.
I am a sovereign being.
I don't need you to love me.
I want you to love me,
But I don't need you to do so.
I take care of my own needs.
And when I come to you and receive love back,
That's wonderful,
But I don't need your acknowledgement.
And so if you are in a relationship with somebody that has narcissistic tendencies,
Whether it's a parent or a partner,
Or you're coming out of a relationship with somebody that's deeply narcissistic,
I just want to say,
I applaud you for your patience.
I applaud you for your ability to hold space for these people in your life,
Hoping that they would be able to empathize and meet you with your heart.
And if you were able to do that and you stayed,
I want to applaud your capacity to love.
I want to applaud your empathy.
I want to applaud your giant heart and remind you that your heart is not broken.
Your heart can never be broken.
And you will be told that.
You will tell yourself that I am so utterly broken.
I am crawling on the floor.
I can't breathe.
I can't eat.
I am suffocating in the pain of this relationship.
And I want to remind you,
Your heart can never be broken.
Your will can be broken.
But you are more resilient than you even imagine.
And I encourage you in those moments when you are on the floor and you are humbled to your pain and you are in your suffering,
That you remind yourself that you have a choice.
That you remind yourself,
Even if it's a whisper,
That you whisper your boundary and you say,
Enough is enough.
You no longer have access to me.
You do what you need to do.
You get the restraining order.
You move away.
You move in the middle of the night.
You pack your things.
You put them in the car and you get out.
You find people that will remind you of your power and not of your helplessness.
And you will find a way out because you can.
Be your own lighthouse.
Find those who remind you of your power.
Because that is another thing that happens when we step into that helplessness and when we are so disempowered and we are so weak.
We might convince ourselves that it is us and we might remain in those relationships as prisoners.
Life does not have to be suffering.
Relationships do not have to be that hard.
Society has told you good people stay in relationships.
They make it work.
They push through the fight.
They push through the challenge.
Bullshit.
If you're not able to make your own choices and ask yourself that really,
Do you have a choice in your relationship or is it up to the other person?
Do you have a choice in your relationship with your parents?
Do they completely take over ownership of how you live,
What you do for a living,
Who you date,
What you drive?
Because even if that's not a narcissistically abusive relationship,
Your sovereignty is waning there.
If you can't be a sovereign being of choice and you can't implant boundaries and your needs aren't being met in relationships,
Walk away.
You might need to walk slowly,
But slowly,
Step by step,
Create spaciousness between you and these people because those with narcissistic tendencies are vampiric in nature.
It is soul-sucking to be in a relationship with this person.
It is draining.
It is exhausting.
Your nervous system will be so fatigued and it takes time.
It might take years when you get out of this relationship to feel like yourself again.
This is the next thing that I want to speak about is as we step out of these relationships and the hypnosis and the fog begins to lift,
We might be very melancholy in nature.
We are grieving.
We are mourning.
We are grieving what we will not get,
The justice that has not served,
The apology that we didn't get,
The closure that's not there and that we'll never maybe receive that in this lifetime from that person.
That person is not going to give us the satisfaction of letting us know that what they did was wrong because then they would have to admit that there is abuse in their behavior and it's the only way that they know how to live.
So have sympathy for the narcissist because they aren't happy and they're not able to get their needs met by anyone else.
No one can meet them.
So even if they replace you,
That replacement is going to also most likely go through suffering.
So bid them a blessing and move about your life.
Forgive yourself for letting yourself be in that relationship.
Create choices.
Grieve what you need to grieve and the life that you created in your mind with that person that never really existed and give yourself the acknowledgement that you need.
Give yourself the love that you need,
That you've always been desiring from that person and know that a part of coming out of an abusive relationship with somebody that's narcissistic is that you might have deep distrust in human beings for a while after this relationship.
You might feel that you're broken and that people will use you and abuse you and discard you and push you aside,
But please,
I encourage you not to continue to repeat the story in your mind because it's just a story.
There are many narcissistic people in the world.
It's true.
We live in a very transactional,
Capitalistic society that makes being in intimate relationships a really nice package and very transactional and it makes it so that we become selfish and that we become so self-centered that we're not able to hold the other person in our hearts and feel them,
But there are so many more people in the world that are heart-centered that you can feel.
And so stop listening to what people promise you and start feeling into how you feel around them because if you really look into those relationships,
There's always been red flags.
There are always,
Always red flags with people with narcissistic tendencies.
You felt in the beginning,
And if it was your parents,
Then you've been feeling it from childhood.
You felt something within you from the beginning that was confused,
That felt frustrated,
That felt lagging,
Something felt off in those relationships.
And when you slow down after coming out of these abusive relationships and you feel people,
You can feel their nervous systems and you can make better choices.
And so when you're coming out of these relationships,
I encourage you,
Don't get on Tinder,
Don't get on dating apps,
Don't put yourself out there for the whole world to have access to.
Build a castle and sit yourself in the top of the castle and don't get off your throne to bring anybody else to your throne.
Stay on your throne.
Stay on your throne and learn to love yourself.
Learn to love yourself so much because you're going to feel,
And some of you might not,
But some of you might relate to this,
You're going to feel like nothing.
You're going to feel broken.
You're going to feel unattractive.
You're going to feel unwanted,
Especially if you were replaced immediately,
Which most of us usually are.
You're going to feel like a giant bag of shit,
Most likely,
Transparency wise.
So it's time for you to fall in love with yourself.
Coming out of this relationship and going right into another one is very dangerous unless you have an incredibly powerful,
Loving,
Heart-centered person that's going to be able to hold space for you as you process what you've just been through.
But truly in this moment,
What you need is you need to build your castle.
Like I said,
Sit in the top of the castle,
Meditate,
Do yoga,
Find the affirmations that you need to hear every day.
For two years,
I have held myself as I go to sleep at night and I have said,
You are loved.
I am loved.
I am loved.
I am loved.
I am loved.
I am safe.
I am safe.
I am safe.
I am safe.
I am safe to trust.
I am safe to trust.
I am safe to trust.
I am intuitive.
I am intuitive.
I am intuitive.
So I find the words that I need to hear.
It's going to be different for you,
But I needed to hear that.
I still need to hear it every single night.
Every single night I say this to myself and I have a little stuffed animal that I hold so that my inner child can feel loved as well.
And I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for what I didn't know because what we didn't know in that moment,
We didn't know.
We don't know until we know.
And those of us that have children,
Those of us that have children that have been relationships with narcissists and we have children that are exposed to that,
We have to forgive ourselves as well for exposing our children to this and know that what we didn't know,
We didn't know until we knew.
And so now we have to just understand that we're imperfect beings.
We have to find a way to love ourselves,
To accept ourselves,
To know that we did our best in that moment.
And then all we really wanted was love.
Was it so bad to want love?
Was it so bad to have hope and to have faith in these false promises that were given to us in these castles in the sky?
We all have been sold the fairytale romance and narcissists are beautiful prince,
Princes and princesses.
And so of course,
Of course,
When this beautiful prince and princess came into your life with so much charm and so much charisma or as your father or your mother as the hero,
Of course you wanted to believe in them.
So do your best to not go into shame.
This is the detrimental aspect of all.
So many of us,
Instead of becoming vengeful and projecting that anger and that hatred and that desire for justice outward onto the narcissist,
We turn it on ourselves,
Which turns into poison.
It turns into liquid poison because every day we turn it back on ourselves and we say,
How did I get here?
How did I expose my friends to this?
How did I expose my family,
My children?
How did I expose myself to this for a year,
For two years,
For five years,
For 10 years,
For 20 years?
The more and more,
The more shame that comes,
The more poison that we give to ourselves.
And you have been poisoned enough.
This relationship was poison,
But also there is so much gold in it.
There is so much to the gift of being in relationship with the narcissist that I want to speak to because you become a spiritual warrior.
When you can step out of victimhood and you can let go of shame and you can find a way to love yourself,
You are a wise being that has moved through this.
You are a wise,
Wise,
Spiritual warrior.
And it takes us on a spiritual path that we didn't even know that we were going on.
We thought we were going into a love story and we come out with a psychological degree in narcissism.
You know,
It's like we come out understanding the workings of a mind that is so disconnected from its heart.
And so I really encourage you as you step out of those relationships and you create spaciousness,
Create your boundaries,
Not out of righteousness or vengeance.
Don't poke the bear.
You know,
Don't let the narcissist know how wise you are and you see through their shit in these hurtful,
Righteous ways.
But step back and be the bigger person.
Still stay with an open heart.
Don't let that relationship close your heart and contract you.
Every day,
Do what you need to do to stay heart centered,
Whether it's dancing,
Meditation,
Yoga,
Going for a run in the park,
Meeting with friends that you love,
Meeting new people.
But keep your heart open,
But keep your boundaries wide.
Don't shut your heart down.
Just make a bigger fence.
Don't make it so easy to get to you.
Don't be so accessible.
You know,
This is what we learn when we come out of these relationships.
We learn to be less accessible,
To create more space for ourselves,
To take more spaciousness.
And so I encourage you to build your walls.
Learn to love yourself.
Imagine that forgiveness,
Find the affirmations that you need to hear each day.
Parent the inner child that has been so beaten down by this relationship.
Remind them that you're there.
You know,
I let mine know it's this little girl.
She sits on my right hip.
She's very scared of the world.
She distrusts men in such a powerful way.
And she sits on my right hip.
And when I get excited about dating or if I get a little anxiousness,
She comes through and she's like,
Oh,
We're not safe.
We're not safe.
She wants to speak.
And I just slowly tuck her back behind my right hip.
And I just say,
Hey,
I got us.
Trust me.
I'm going to move slow.
I'm going to ask questions.
I'm going to feel this person.
I'm not going to make any movements that you don't feel safe with.
So you just rest back here.
Let me ask questions.
Let me observe.
Let me scope the scene.
I'll make sure that I choose step by step,
Slowly in a way that we both feel safe.
And more and more,
She just stays back here.
She trusts me now.
But for many of us,
That part in us,
It's like a battle.
Our heart wants to stay open,
But we've hurt that inner child within us that trusted us to make a good choice.
And we accidentally fell into this fantasy with someone.
And now that part of us inside is at battle because it doesn't trust us anymore.
So before we jump into other relationships and we try to go out and distract ourselves with drinking and dating apps or whatever it might be to distract ourselves,
We have got to go inside deep introspection with all the parts within us that are at war saying,
What have you done?
What choices have you made?
And we've got to find love for ourselves.
We've got to parent those inner children that sit at our backs that are screaming and yelling for attention.
And we've got to let them know things are okay.
And then slowly by slowly,
That big open heart of ours that is unbroken,
That can never be broken,
It stays open.
The boundaries stay where they're at,
But slowly we find the people that are willing and that have space enough in their lives to slow down and meet us at our pace.
So maybe we connect at a turtle's pace for some time,
Maybe for years,
Maybe for the rest of our lives because of what we've been through.
But,
And the pool of people that comes closer to us might become smaller,
But can become so much more profound,
So much more profound and it can feel so much more safe and it can be warm because people are good.
So many people are good and they want to love.
They want to love you.
They want to see you.
They want to acknowledge you.
You are worthy.
You're important.
Your voice is important.
What you have to say is important.
And there are people out there that believe that.
But when we have been so hurt by our parents in our life or our partnerships,
That pain,
That suffering gets etched in the walls of our being.
And for many of us,
When we don't step out of victimhood and we don't empower ourselves to make new choices,
We find ourselves in those relationships again and again.
And this is the trauma bond.
And we will continue to find ourselves in those relationships until we learn our lesson.
I really believe on the spiritual path.
And this is just my belief that these people came into my life because I was ready to evolve.
I was ready to wake up.
I wouldn't have been given these challenges if I wasn't ready to step up to the plate.
And I encourage you,
If you have found yourself in these relationships,
One relationship or multiple,
You're being initiated.
You're being initiated to become the most empowered,
Sovereign being that you can become.
And this lifetime is so short.
It's not long.
And these relationships are deeply painful and create much suffering.
The human heart can't take many of them.
Or can it?
So I encourage you,
If you're in that and you've seen a pattern and you've been in multiple of these relationships in your life,
Learn the lesson now.
Because if you don't learn it now,
It will repeat and you will have to learn it again.
So why did you find yourself in this relationship?
Why are you still in it?
What choices are you not making?
What space are you not creating?
And what can you do now to empower yourself to find trust again in the world,
To keep the heart open,
To create boundaries that keep these people at an arm's distance where they can't damage you.
They can still access you if you can't get away from them.
Maybe this is your child's father or mother or your mother or father.
They're part of your life.
You can't get away from them.
But you can love yourself so much and give yourself so much acknowledgement and so much acceptance and none of that shame that they try to project onto you so that their words don't touch you anymore.
So when they shame you or they try to guilt you into getting what it is that they want or to do what they want,
There's that like aha inside you that goes,
Uh-uh,
Not going to happen.
I am not your extension.
I do not belong to you.
You no longer have access to that innocent,
Trusting child in me that gave you everything that you wanted and tried to give you everything that you needed.
I'm no longer that person.
I am an adult now.
I am in my adult consciousness.
I have choice.
I am free to create boundaries.
And you will never touch me in the way that you touched me before.
And you will never affect me the way that you affected me before.
So this is the journey.
And do I believe that they can ever change?
I believe anyone can change.
I believe that anyone can change.
And what I do know is that when somebody is so hurt and suffers so much at the hands of their own parents when their needs aren't met as a child,
And they take on the role of the narcissist and have deeply overt narcissistic tendencies,
To me,
This person has so deeply touched their shadow that it is very difficult for them to come back to the light.
And we all touch our shadows.
I mean,
I dance with my shadow.
You know,
She is one of my best friends.
She inspires me to be a better person.
But when we are so taken by our own shadow and our suffering and those that have hurt us and we become so vengeful and righteous and demanding in our entitlement of what we suffered through,
It is really hard to come back to the light.
And so I do believe that there is a possibility for change,
But I am no longer trying to save narcissists.
Life is too short.
If you are trying to save a narcissist in your life,
Blessings to you,
So many blessings to you,
But I encourage you to live your life and not to give it to them.
You have so much life force in you and you could spend the rest of your life trying to be their hero,
But I encourage you to be your own hero.
And I think that maybe there is that fraction that do change,
But to do a full 180 and to come into deep empathy and heart centered love,
That takes a great amount of will and resiliency.
And sadly enough,
The ones in my life that I have come across,
I haven't seen that great amount of change.
I've seen,
I've seen incremental,
But not a 180.
And I'm never going to get the apologies that I desire.
Never going to get the resolution or the closure or the heart to heart that I desire.
That I love myself more than I ever have.
And I have clearer boundaries than I've ever had.
And there is so much space in my life now for the kind of love that I really want and the love that I know that I deserve.
And I will take nothing less.
And I desire that for you.
You deserve that.
We do not have to spend our lives being breadcrumbs by selfish people with narcissistic tendencies in our life.
There are 8 billion people in the world.
If you find that you're always in relationship with somebody with narcissistic tendencies,
What are you doing in your life to change that story?
Because it's just a story.
It is just a story.
It's not true.
In those 8 billion energies that exist in the world,
There are dozens and dozens and dozens that are waiting to love you and acknowledge you and see you as the radiant being that you are and not as an extension of themselves.
They are not going to deplete you and exhaust you and have vampiric energy that leeches off of the soul that exists within you.
So please,
Please,
Please take care of yourselves.
So remember a few points here.
Create spaciousness.
Learn to make choices for yourself.
Find boundaries,
Many of them,
As many as you need to feel safe.
Let go of shame and find a way to love yourself slowly,
Slowly,
Slowly.
Self-acceptance,
Self-love and releasing shame is so important to the journey because this is the hook that brings us back in.
Those words,
I'm not worthy.
I'm not lovable.
I'm always going to be alone.
That shame that we put on ourselves keeps us going back to those relationships.
So first,
Yourself.
If you distract yourself with alcohol or with dating apps or with drugs or with overworking out or overeating,
Look at those behaviors and what is it that you're escaping from?
Feel the grief.
Mourn.
Mourn like you've never mourned before.
Mourn,
Mourn,
Mourn,
And mourn,
Mourn.
Rage,
Scream,
Cry.
Go to the forest and just yell and scream because there's so much in there when we have gone through that much suffering.
Rage into a pillow.
Scream into your hand from the back of the throat.
Shake your body.
Release this energy because you might feel very anxious after being in this relationship and you might feel very numb.
There is so much happening in the body.
We completely shut down or we turn into hypervigilance.
Bring yourself back day after day to your center.
Breathe,
Meditate,
Do yoga,
Stop distracting yourself,
Create boundaries,
Be discerning with who has access to you,
And let people walk away.
Walk away from them.
And don't stay for their hope that they're going to change.
Don't stay for the words that they tell you of what they are going to be or what they're going to give to you.
Stay for what you see and what you feel.
Don't stay anymore for the words.
You know,
It's like show up in life with people that are already showing up for themselves.
When people are building fantasies and castles in the sky,
This is a red flag.
If you can't see it,
Then just let it go.
If you're not seeing the words in action,
Let it go.
Let's take a big breath in,
A big sigh out.
Again.
Last one.
So just settling in the seat for some moments here and some stillness.
This can bring up so much energy in the body.
There could be the somatic feeling of just the body coming online again.
There can be rage.
There can be tears.
There can be laughter.
There can be irony.
There can be so much coming up.
Just close the eyes.
Be in your body.
This is your number one relationship.
This right here,
Yourself with your vessel.
When things get too chaotic outside yourself and you feel that you're not in control,
Find a room,
Lock the door,
Sit down,
Close your eyes,
Breathe,
And remind yourself what the hell you are and who the heck you are.
You are stronger and wiser than even you know.
So breathe deeply,
Inhaling and exhaling through the nostrils.
Get to know your breath.
Get to know your heartbeat.
Get to know silence.
We don't have enough silence.
We've got phones.
We've got music.
We've got books.
Put it down.
Sit.
Breathe.
All the parts in you that need to be heard,
To be seen,
To feel acknowledged,
They're all right here in the silence,
In your breath,
Waiting for you to give them attention,
To love them,
To release their pain,
Their suffering,
Their contraction,
Their shame.
So we become the sharp witness of ourselves coming out of these challenging relationships that are so disarming and it is so appealing to run away from the feelings inside or the lack of feelings,
The numbness.
I encourage you more and more to sit in a silence.
Sit with your breath.
What has been familiar to you no longer has to be.
In one choice,
You can shift your entire life.
In one decision,
You can change your entire fate.
Be your own hero.
Note to yourself.
Hands to heart center,
Bowing head to heart.
May we each remind ourselves every step of the way of who we are and who we are not.
May we remind ourselves to stay present,
To make our own choices,
To breathe,
To affirm,
To let go of shame.
Again and again,
Day by day,
We begin again and again and again until we can keep our hearts open and we can trust again and we can feel safe in the world.
May we all remember who we are.
Namaste.
