Spiritual Bypassing

31:00

31:00

Spiritual Bypassing

by Pauletta Chanco

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talks

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Meditation

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This talk is about when we use the spiritual practice and path to sidestep healing our wounds and addressing our deep conditioning.

Self Criticism Emotional Healing Religion Self Compassion Compassion Ego Anger Non Judgment Trauma Vipassana Healing Spiritual Bypassing Compassionate Self Inquiry Non Judgmental Awareness Childhood Trauma Inner Critic Emotional Exploration Spirits

Meet your Teacher

Pauletta Chanco

Alameda, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Pauletta Chanco

Alameda, CA, USA

Transcript

I've kind of heard this word off and on. It's kind of been like a buzzword in the spiritual world called spiritual bypassing, Which is the topic of tonight. So I was really curious about it. And then so I came upon this book, And it's written by Robert Masters, Who is a psychotherapist, But the term spiritual bypassing was coined by a psychologist in 1984, And his name is John Wellwood. And so I wanted to start this talk talking about what is spiritual bypassing and why is it important. Why is it important for us to know about it and what can we do about it? So John Wellwood in 1984 defined spiritual bypassing as the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, Unresolved wounds, And developmental needs. It's much more common than we might think, He says, And in fact, So pervasive as to go largely unnoticed, Except in its more obvious extremes. So kind of right there, What fascinated me about it is that it's kind of hidden, You know? And so I'm like, Wow, If it's hidden, Then yeah, We probably don't even know that it's happening. So it's also known as the shadow side of spirituality, And it manifests in many ways. And does everyone know what I mean when I say shadow side? Okay. So shadow side is, I think Carl Jung might have come up with it, But it's definitely a term that has been around in psychology circles. And it simply means the dark side of something. It could be the dark side of our personality. In this case, It is the dark side of spirituality. How it manifests, And you'll get a sense of that as I go on. So it's also a form of delusion, Because of this hidden aspect to it, Because we're not usually aware that we're doing it, That we're spiritually bypassing. So, But right away at the very beginning, However, I do want to say, Being someone who has had to work with the inner critic myself a lot, This is not to be taken as an opportunity to beat up on ourselves through the inner critic, But rather an opportunity to further practice and really reap the benefits from learning about this manifestation of the shadow side of our spirituality. So first and foremost is to learn to be with and explore, As he mentioned, Our painful feelings, Unresolved wounds and developmental needs. So that is what the process of cutting through spiritual bypassing is. And then embrace the difficulty so that we can learn how it's possible to have a different relationship to it, Which can lessen suffering by subtracting any extra layers of mental suffering that we tend to keep on. I can't remember right now the name of the Burmese Buddhist meditation master, Oh, Sayadaw, Who said that 99% of our suffering is due to what we do with our mind. So that means that actually the suffering that we can control through mind training, Just think about that, Just the potential. So what I just said about embracing the difficulty so that we can get rid of these extra layers that we tend to keep on, If you think about it, It's really this process is very much aligned with the Four Noble Truths, Which the Buddha talks about embracing the difficulty instead of pushing it away and trying to stuff it in a bag so that we don't have to deal with it or look at it. So that's something to be thinking about as we're going through this talk. And so because embracing the difficult is difficult, We have to also remember to learn to be compassionate with ourselves and to keep a kind of lighthearted approach to working with this by simply getting curious about it. Like, Why is this happening? Someone mentioned during the break or after the break when we were checking in that there were times during the guided meditation where he did not want to stay there. But so what we can do, And of course if it's overwhelming, You need to back off, You need to know what you're able to handle at the time. But with smaller things, We can then decide, Oh, What is this irritation about? Why am I irritated? So that kind of curiosity. So that's the same that we can start to think about having regarding spiritual bypassing. So I want to read from this book. He has really interesting chapters, Pretty fascinating. So this chapter is called When Our Honeymoon with Spirituality is Over. So it's just a little paragraph here, But it's pretty good. He says, Spiritual bypassing is worth outgrowing. All we have to do is stop turning away from our pain and consciously enter it. This means an end to disembodied living, An end to spiritualized dissociation, An end to emotional illiteracy and relational immaturity. As we commit ourselves to a full-blooded awakening rooted in the cultivation of intimacy with all that we are, We find a willingness to bring whatever we have kept in the dark out into the open. And from this newfound openness, We emerge with the gifts of our hard work, Firsthand wisdom that benefits one and all. So let's start with the first one, One and all. So let's look at areas where spiritual bypassing appears and how they manifest and how we don't acknowledge that it's happening. So first example is exaggerated attachment. And I experienced this with a woman that I met on retreat some time ago, And she kept saying, Well, It is what it is. I can't control this. Over and over again, It was kind of like, Whoa, Why does she keep saying this over and over again? But it was in the context of talking about the current man that she was dating, Whose action made her feel disrespected and invisible. But as she described it, She would say, Well, But it is what it is. I can't control this. And at the time, Of course, I didn't know that it was a form of spiritual bypassing, But all I knew was in my gut as I listened to her, It just felt really inauthentic because in the way in which that she kept repeating the phrases. And I couldn't help but think that she was hurting so much inside from this, But yet she was saying the right phrases that you're supposed to say, Or not the right, But what she was getting out of spirituality. So then another example is emotional numbing and repression, And then overemphasis on the positive. And when I read that in this book, I quickly wrote down Pollyannish. And I'm sure we've known a lot of times when we've heard people that have kind of an exaggerated positive response to things that doesn't seem quite rooted in reality, Or not quite seeing the truth of the reality, The situation, Whatever that is. And then another example is anger phobia. And this is actually something that is rampant in our culture, Maybe not just limited to spirituality, Though it appears in spiritual circles to quite a frequent and big degree. And that is our culture tells us that it's wrong for us to express anger. It's just inappropriate. And one of the things he says and hear about anger, Which I'm going to be talking more about next week, Is that anger in and of itself is not a wrong thing to feel or a wrong thing to express, But rather it can be expressed in a very skillful and wholesome way. But when people just have this, Ooh, I just can't, That's just not right to express anger. That's what this book is about. A real phobia towards anger. Not just in the person, But actually in interaction with someone else, Kind of moving away and not wanting to deal with the person that's angry. And then blind or overly tolerant compassion. And I'm going to spend more time with this in a few minutes, Because it's actually a chapter in his book. And I have to say, When I read this chapter and the examples that he gave, I was shocked because it's things that I have done and I just really didn't know I was doing it. But anyway, You'll see. I'll talk about that. And then cognitive intelligence, Often being far ahead of the emotional or moral intelligence. And then debilitating judgment about one's negativity. And so other ways it shows up, Other quick examples before we go into the blind compassion is dabblers in spirituality. And these are what I actually experienced as a guest speaker on retreat early on, Where I was amazed to hear people saying, Well, I'm here during the time of the retreat where you were allowed to talk about why you were there. I'm here because I was really looking for a cheap vacation. I was like, What? What do you mean cheap vacation? I don't understand this concept. And so I was like, I'm going to talk about that. And so basically they had time, Or you know how sometimes it happens when you're working in the work world and the boss says, Well, You need to take vacation. You're kind of forced to take vacation because somehow it'll run out. So they wanted to do something local. They like the idea that being out in a nice, Like in the woods, Out in nature, Is a good idea, And that it was cheap, Okay? And that you would get fed three meals a day. You wouldn't have to worry. You wouldn't have to cook. And you could go out and exercise, Walk in nature. And so often they would come and not necessarily participate. And the reason why that's a form of spiritual bypassing is you're not, I mean, It's kind of a selfish way to be because you're not realizing the impact that you have on others by being there. Because what happens on retreat is for the people that really do take it seriously is you get into this nice kind of rhythm and the silence is really palpable and it's beautiful and it's nurturing and nourishing. And then along comes, I don't know how many people, Whoever fall in this category of people who are just there for a cheap vacation, And their energy because the group is really settling into the retreat really disrupts everything. And it's very disturbing. So anyway, So that's one. Another one. And then espousing the ideal of unconditional love, Like we are taught about in the Buddhist teachings on the Buddha's teachings on Metta, On loving kindness practice, But not permitting love to make its appearance in its more challenging and personal dimensions. So it's very conditional. It's like, Oh, Well, As long as you're acting a certain way, I'll be fine. Everything's cool. And the minute you're acting in a way that I don't feel comfortable with or I don't want to work with, Even though I tell you you're my friend or I love you, Then it's sayonara. So that's what that means. And then also we can get carried away working on our own stuff and not actually look at our interconnection with others in the world and the world. And like next Saturday's daylong is going to be all about that, Interconnecting with our world. So then we never socially engage because we just really focus solely on which is very, It has merit, You know, To work on yourself and all your defilements, All your conditioning, Really do that, But not at the expense of not also looking at the big picture at the same time. So that's really important to do. Otherwise it can be a form of spiritual bypassing. Oh, So here's one that I was very shocked about because I was like, Whoa, I totally do this. So psychotherapy is usually viewed as an inferior undertaking relative to spiritual practice. And I really thought that, You know, I thought, And for me it was very easy to think this because when Buddhism and the teachings and the practice of meditation were really resonating for me and I was seeing the results of practice so quickly and seeing the benefits, I was like, Wow, This is going to solve all my problems. Cool. I never have to see a psychotherapist again. Wrong. Only in, I mean, That may be true for some. I'm not saying, You know, But it's also important to keep your mind open to if there are really deep things going on that has gone unresolved in our lives, You know, Any deep wounds, Any deep conditioning that it seems to be reoccurring, You'll know, You know, Like for me it's been anxiety has been reoccurring for me. You'll know that it's time to go beyond the spiritual practice and get extra help and that spiritual practice is not the thing that's going to solve everything. We need other kinds of support at times in our lives. So the other thing he talks about that's really, Really interesting to know is that spiritual bypassing is common in paths, In spiritual paths that treat ego as something to get rid of rather than understanding that it's the relationship we have with the ego that has caused us suffering that we need to look at and examine and it's not the ego itself that's a problem. And to know that negation of self can move us towards a kind of self-mortification through the attitude that we adopt if we have an unwise understanding of not self. And this is really not what the Buddha meant at all. He did not mean that you get rid of the ego or you get rid of self. It's just really understanding how what the ego will tell us at times is what can get us into trouble in terms of suffering. So that's really important. So now moving into blind compassion, Which is a form of spiritual bypassing that's more subtle. So one is characterized by extreme tolerance and being phobic towards confrontation and an undiscriminating attempt at caring. And I was starting to see the seeds of this like, Oh no, I think this is something of what I tend to do. And then as I mentioned earlier, The anger phobic, But he goes on to say with blind compassion, It's avoiding pain and anger, You know, Just really trying to move away from that rather than trying to understand it and embrace it. Cutting everyone too much slack. That's another form of blind compassion as spiritual bypassing. The inability to say no and set boundaries. That's totally me. And then he says, Putting on a fake kind face. So then it's not the kindness of the Dalai Lama, Which is rooted in courage, But kindness that's rooted in fear of not appearing a good or spiritual person. And yeah, So I think that's somewhat true of myself, Especially when I have to interact with people, Either difficult people or people in difficult situations, I would say. I definitely have a phobia towards confrontation. But it's really interesting, You know, To know that there's a name to this kind of way of acting that we're not, We're diluted into not even seeing. Fear of upsetting anyone, Especially if they could confront us. And so actually what he says is that these characteristics that I just named of blind compassion show a lack of compassion for ourselves. So when we are extremely tolerant, Cut everyone too much slack, Have an inability to say no and set boundaries, Etc. , We're really not being compassionate to ourselves. So it's important to acknowledge and see that when we can. And then it's also important because we tend to believe that we shouldn't judge others. So this is another area, I'm sorry, Not really part of the blind compassion, But another form of spiritual bypassing is that we think to ourselves, Oh, You know, Part of our spiritual path is we shouldn't judge others. But in fact, This is classically what the mind does. If you think about it, Right? I mean, You meet somebody for the first time, You see their face, You see how they're dressed, You see how they speak, And your mind is just filled with judgments. You know, You're making judgments about this person. And it's not good or bad. It's just what we do. And so he said it's important to see that because what's important, What's more important about the judgments that are happening in the mind is that how do we handle these judgments? Okay? Do we identify with them? Do we take them seriously? Do they cause emotional energy to arise, Particularly if these judgments arise towards ourselves, Of course? This is simply about the inner critic. And so it's better to make wise use out of judgments instead of trying to get rid of them. So really understanding where it's coming from, You know, Whether it's judgment towards oneself or another, If we, With our mindfulness tool, Start to notice that this is happening in some interaction that we're having, Either with ourselves or another person, To decide that we will get curious about it and see, Okay, Where is this judgment coming from? You know, Why are we having such judgments? And so then he said too, Another interesting thing is that some who act from blind compassion may have had to do so for survival. And he gives the example of there may have been childhood abuse by parents. And so these, The people who have had to withstand childhood abuse by their parents, They learned that the best way to deal with confrontation or a potentially violent situation was to be nice and make excuses for the abusive behavior of the parent. So to cut through this, Which is a form of, You know, An unresolved potential, Potentially unresolved childhood wound, To cut through this, We have to openly feel the pain of what we have suffered and feel the consequences later in our life. You know, So to really recognize and feel it instead of turning away from it, You know, And saying to yourself, Oh, I don't want, I just don't want to see this, You know. So it's, It's again, The Four Noble Truths and to have the willingness to embrace it. So cutting through spiritual bypassing, We need to see it for what it is, Name it, Name what is happening, What form of spiritual bypassing it might be. And it's really, Know that it's not that easy to do when it's more subtle. And also to know and realize that this whole process, Because it's not easy, May trigger shame. But this shame can actually be a healthy shame, Particularly when it proceeds taking the steps for healing and change, As long as in the process we don't fire up the inner critic. So let me read again from him this passage. So he says, When transcendence of our personal history takes precedence over intimacy with our personal history, Spiritual bypassing is inevitable. To not be intimate with our past, To not be deeply and thoroughly acquainted with our conditioning and its originating factors keeps it undigested and unintegrated and therefore very much present, Regardless of our apparent capacity for rising above it. So the more we try to stuff it down in a bag, And I'm sure you've all had this experience, I certainly have, Where you just want to stuff it, Okay, Ugh, Nope, That's an area I'm uncomfortable with, Nope, I'm not going to go past this comfort zone here, It's going to come up again. It's going to keep coming up in your face until you decide to deal with it in some way or another, You know, Either through the deep spiritual practice and or combined with psychotherapy or some kind of therapy. So that's the fascinating thing about spiritual bypassing. So the other aspect is that through this investigation of cutting through spiritual bypassing to allow our hearts to break open. And when that happens for us, Then we know that we are on the right path. And so what happens when the heart breaks open is that it feels really raw and broken open. And it can also feel as though, Oh, God, I just can't do this anymore. Oh, My gosh, It's too difficult. It's really overwhelming. But if we keep allowing, Allowing, Allowing that overwhelm and feeling the pain, Then what will happen, Which seems very counterintuitive, Is that it will naturally expand to allow more. And then it's almost like, Wow, You know, You you're just like in the fire and just really burning up and then everything gets purified. So it does take a lot of courage and it demands of us the willingness to step into vulnerability. But it's definitely possible. So okay, One last thing I'll say is to also pay attention to the practices that tend to tranquilize and have a sedation effect. So this can happen with Samadhi practice. But it also needs to coexist with discernment and insight. So the Buddha spent time before he fully awakened, Working with masters in deep concentration in Samadhi practice. But through it, And he mastered all the different deep levels of absorption, He realized that this was not the answer that he was looking for, For the end of suffering. He just, You know, Knew instinctively this and this alone is just not the way to go. He still realizes, Realized and spoke about the importance of this practice. But once the practices is practice to stabilize the mind, Then insight can then emerge from that stable calm place, Which is another kind of practice known as the Pasana. And so the combination of the two actually liberates us and leads us to awakening. So it's important to, You know, Think about that as well. Some people, There are some people that move towards Samadhi practice and kind of just want to stay there because it's really pleasant, And particularly when it's easy to get into deep places in that concentration practice. So I'd like to end with a poem from Rumi. And I'm not going to do the whole poem, I'm going to do a few excerpts from it. And it's called Joy at Sudden Disappointment. He says, Whatever comes, Comes from a need, A sore distress, A hurting want. Every part of you has a secret language. Your hands and your feet say what you've done. And every need brings in what's needed. Pain bears its cure like a child. Having nothing produces provisions. Ask a difficult question and the marvelous answer appears. Thank you for your attention.