How To Spot Relationship Red Flags - Training

1:20:00

1:20:00

How To Spot Relationship Red Flags - Training

by Sabrina Sundari

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Have you ever met someone who seemed attractive and nice, and were left confused when you suddenly found yourself in a toxic relationship with them? Were you left wondering how it happened? I will teach you how to identify and protect yourself from narcissists and manipulators, so that you can save your time, energy, and your precious heart. This is for you if you want to learn to: 1) Trust your instincts and avoid gaslighting 2) A proven system to create healthier boundaries 3) Ask the right questions to uncover someone's true intentions 4) Spot common tactics (lovebombing, intermittent reinforcement, reliance)

Meet your Teacher

Sabrina Sundari

North York, ON, Canada

Meet your Teacher

Sabrina Sundari

North York, ON, Canada

Transcript

Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts, How to Spot Manipulators and Narcissists. This is a workshop on how to quickly spot red flags early with people and it's really important to learn this because we can't just look at the outside shiny appearance of people, We have to watch their behaviors. We have to watch for other patterns that they're showing us so that we can see who they really are below the surface and we don't get into these really harmful dynamics with them. So I started this work because of my own personal experience having entered relationships with people who seemed really good at first but then when I got into the relationship all these patterns emerged over time. People don't show you this stuff right away, It happens slowly over time and then once you're really deep in it's almost too hard to get out of it. We can get out of it but it takes a lot of energy and money sometimes and effort and just to save you years of pain, Watch out for the signs early and make good decisions about who you want to enter into relationships with. This can be with co-workers, With friends, With romantic partners. We always have to watch out all the time and look below the surface. Am I making the best possible choice for me in my future when I interact with this person, When I trust this person, When I deepen in my connection with this person? So I'm going to start sharing my screen. So we're spotting these behaviors because we want to protect our heart. Our heart is the most precious part of us and it can get really damaged easily when we aren't careful with who we let touch it. So I know we're all like kind and empathetic people and that's why this is so important because a lot of harmful people can prey on our sympathy, Prey on our inherent niceness and sense of wanting to be compassionate and give and help wounded people. So we need to watch out and be careful and only help people who are going to be actually helped and who are not going to use their vulnerability or our vulnerability against us. So I want to start just by checking in with everybody. And this is important to do because some of the things that we might talk about might be activating, Might remind you of past situations or past people in a way that can, You know, Might be a little bit dysregulating. So we want to really regulate our systems before we start. So we're listening with ears that are calm and hearts that are calm. And if we feel an activation during the presentation, We can kind of remember what it was like to feel that calm and go back to it. So just settling into the chair you're sitting on with me and feeling your feet on the ground. If you want you can close your eyes with me. So can you feel your left foot on the floor and your right foot? And what about your right knee? Can you feel your right knee and your left knee and your left foot and your right foot? And can you feel your seat on the chair? And just notice how your body feels. Does it need to move in any way? Do you maybe need some water or a pillow? What would make you really comfortable right now? Just noticing your body? And if you need a few minutes to go get what you need, Just pause this and go get it. Right, We're opening our eyes now. Taking a breath into this feeling of being really present in your seat. And if you'd like you can do another exercise with me to really settle in. Just look around the room that you're in. Let your eyes just look to the right. And to the left. And just scanning your space, Your desk or wherever you're sitting. And if your eyes land on something that might be pleasant, You can just linger there. Just notice this feeling of calm and safety and familiarity with where you are now. And as I'm speaking, Experiences from the past might come to your memory. Some might be coming to your memory now. Just start remembering what happened and who you interacted with. This is important because we want to start thinking about what happened in a compassionate way for ourselves, Knowing that we did the best that we could at the time. And now we're getting more tools to do a bit better next time. It's a journey of learning and growing and that happens through experiences. So when I think about extra expectations for what we're going to be learning together, Again, The frame of the past experiences is a good way to start. So based on my past experience, My expectation for the workshop might be, I want to look at the same person through a different lens. What could I have noticed earlier or done differently? When should I have left? When did my body alert me that something was wrong? And did I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt? Did I keep giving them second chances? Right? Just noticing what our learnings were. How can we move forward in a way where we've learned our wisdom and we're taking our wisdom into our future interactions with new people? So a red flag is just a warning sign that, Hey, Pay attention to something. It doesn't mean we need to discard people or run away. It just means, Hey, This is something to pay attention to. Somebody who has a healthy relational dynamic is someone we can go to with a concern and say, Hey, This is bothering me. Can we talk about this? Or, Hey, I'm noticing this pattern. Am I right about this? Or just watching and observing further, Giving them the benefit of the doubt maybe for a little while, Being like, I'm noticing this thing they're doing. One example might be somebody who lies about little things. So I was with somebody who had a tendency to lie about little things, But not to me. I just noticed they would do that to other people. For example, We would be at a dinner with a group of people, And then he would say, Oh, I run a 5K marathon. And I know for a fact that he didn't run, But he told them that. And when I called him out on it, He'd be like, Oh, It's not a big deal. We're just talking and whatever. But his intention, In hindsight, Was to be a bigger person to them, To be somebody he wasn't. This is about 20 years ago. So at the time, I thought, Hmm, This is giving me a flag in my mind. I'm cautious about it. But I'm also noticing, I'm just going to brush it off. Maybe they just want to have this person have an impression of them. I thought it was a little silly. I didn't take it seriously. But that pattern of lying about smaller things slowly became lying about things to me, And then slowly became gaslighting, Which is when you deny somebody's reality. So they'll lie to you, And then they'll say, I didn't say that. I don't know what you're talking about. I would never say that. So if I had caught early that this is a person who lies about small things, I wouldn't have gotten to a relationship with them where they then lie to me. Whatever people do to others, They will eventually do to you. That is a very good kind of general rule that we can apply to everything. If we observe them doing something to others, They will do it to us eventually, Too. That applies to the gossiping about other people. They're probably going to gossip about you at some point, Too. Right? So noticing patterns about people and then catching them early. In hindsight, My wisdom story could have been, Hey, This person is lying. This isn't somebody of integrity that I want to develop a further connection to. It's a red flag. So I might keep them at a distance and be like, I can relate to you as somebody in my social circle, But I won't get into a deeper relationship with you based on trust because you've shown that you're not a trustworthy person. Right? So these are the kind of just wisdom teachings that we want to take into our future. Not beating ourselves up, But just being like, Hey, That was a younger version of me. Now I'm myself with my wisdom story. So a flag, We can use an acronym for red flag, Which is focus, Lifestyle, Association, Goals. F is focus. L is lifestyle. A is association. G is goal. When we look at a person, We want to look at them as their whole selves, Not just the way they look or the way they talk or what they do for a career or what they say they do. Right? We want to look at what they focus on, What their lifestyle is, Who they associate with, And their goals in life and with us. With these four pillars of red flags, We can make really good decisions of who we want to interact with. So there's something called the halo effect, And that is what happens when we see somebody and we think of them as more than what they are. We are attracted to people who make us feel good. This is like studied psychology, And it's just logical, Right? Why would you want to hang out with people that don't make you feel good? If somebody makes you feel good, You want to be around them more. Like, I want to feel even more good. It makes so much sense. So we want to feel loved, Respected, Valued, And people who are manipulative or narcissists know this. And they use tactics to make us increase this feeling so we almost get like drawn in, Hooked into them, So like almost addicted to them. Right? You'll often hear of people who are in relationships with people like this being like, I know better, But I couldn't stop going back. And they get into this cycle with them of like breaking up, Getting back together, Giving them a million chances until they get so depleted, So defeated. And it's because of this thing called breadcrumbing, Which is when a narcissist will give you a little bit of this feeling. It's like, You're the center of attention. You're so great. I see you. I'm paying attention to you. And then when they do a bunch of other negative behaviors after, Our addiction to that feeling will cause us to only remember that and do whatever it takes to get that feeling back. So we'll ignore all of the other red flags. We'll ignore a lot of the other behaviors and be like, Oh, Well, But the beginning, It was so good. And I know they can be great. I see their potential. And so we focus on the small breadcrumbs of attention, Not the whole bread, Which is often like moldy and rotten. So this is called the halo effect. If you think of a light, Around the light, There's a glow, Right? A light bulb emits this huge glow. So that's how it works psychologically for us. We see somebody, And then we associate them with wonderful things because if they have a wonderful thing about them, We associate that they have other wonderful things about them. They're glow. So we will ignore a lot of the other things that might come up because of this kind of false psychological trick where we think they're great, They're big, They're bright, But actually it's just an effect. It's just a like special effect almost. So the problem is both good and bad people can make us feel loved, Respected, Valued, Admired, Accepted, Attractive. Just because somebody makes us feel like that doesn't mean they are good. This is a hard truth. That is why people get into these relationships, Because we are made to feel this way. And then we associate that feeling with the person being good. So again, Think of the halo effect, This big, Shiny light, Like, Oh, They must be so wonderful. They must be so great. No, We have to look beyond the surface and watch for the patterns and the flags, Which is what we're going to talk a bit more about. So there's a pretty big expert on narcissism called Dr. Rahmani. She has a really great YouTube channel. She's a lot of material that's available for free. I really recommend her. She's an expert. She's a psychologist and an expert on narcissists. And she says 10% of the population has narcissistic tendencies. We might wonder why everyone's talking about narcissists right now, Why it's such a big topic. Why do we keep meeting these people? Because 10% of the population has these tendencies. They may not be full blown narcissists, But they have these tendencies. And narcissism is an energy that anybody can play in. We might've played in it too, But then we kind of grow out of it or we come out of it. It's just this hyper fixation on the self. And we treat other people like objects because we're so focused on ourselves. We don't relate to other people as feeling, Thinking, Actual humans with needs and feelings. They're just things to project our own ego identity off of our unmatched shadow off of. So narcissists are often very successful. CEOs are predominantly considered people who have narcissistic tendencies because they're so focused on themselves and on their goals, Which is ruthless success that they create these big things in the world. So they have a role in the world. And narcissists are the ones that create huge empires. They are the ones that bring huge visions to life. Hollywood actors, Think of all those personalities. They create big things. So they have a role and we need to live in a world with them, But we need to realize at what level we're letting into our lives. So look at the picture on the screen. This man who has a nice smile, His eyes are even smiling. You can see the sincere smile. One thing that psychopaths do often is they smile with their lips like this and their eyes don't smile. When somebody smiles with their eyes, You can see little crinkles, Right? This is an actual smile. So that's a good way of knowing having a plastic smile, A fake smile. Their whole face is smiling or just their mouth. This person looks like their whole face is smiling. They look friendly. They look nice. You can see the quote on the bottom. He was a very nice person. This is Ted Bundy, Who is one of the biggest serial killers in U. S. History. He killed up to a hundred people, Women, And he used his niceness, His charm, His good looks, His appearance to seduce people in, To gain their trust, And then caused a lot of harm. So you can see the halo effect, Right? Look at this person, Smiling face, Looks good. Why wouldn't he be good? He must be a nice person. I'm going to trust him. I'm going to invite him to my home and I'm going to let him have access to my life. So that's why it's important to remember the halo effects. Just because somebody looks good, They're nice. They make you feel good. He was very charming. We associate that with like, They must be a good person. So again, I'm trying to drill this into you. Just because somebody looks good doesn't mean they're good. It's really important not to beat yourself up or to blame yourself. It's important to realize why this happened so we don't repeat it. And it happened because a need, A fundamental need was met by these people. The need for being seen, Being accepted, Being liked, Being complimented, Being loved. When these people meet these needs, We, Again, The halo effect, We tend to ignore a lot of other behaviors and we just focus on this such a good feeling they give us in the beginning. So this happens because of how they meet these fundamental needs within our psyche. This is called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. You may have learned this in school, But it's basically how our needs need to be met for us to be self-actualized, Which means we have everything we need on a fundamental level to become the person who lives our greatest sense of self, Lives our dream, Becomes self-actualized, Which is the top bar, The blue bar, The desire to become the most that one can be. In order to get there, We need all of the ones below it to be met. So the first one is physiological needs, Which most of us have. We have air, Water, Food, Shelter, Most of us have safety met too. We have security, We have resources, We have our health. So the top two are the ones that we get hooked into with harmful people because they create a false sense of meeting these needs for us. So friendship, Under love and belonging, Friendship, Intimacy, Sense of connection, Family, Which means like this person's finally the love that I've never had from my own parents, For example. They're really seeing me, They're appreciating me. They're such a good friend or esteem. They give me the feeling of respect. They give me the feeling of self-esteem, Of status, Of recognition. So when these needs are met by these people, We really kind of idealize them. Wow, Finally, Somebody has come into my life and they're providing all this stuff for me. So when we remember this kind of chart, When we meet people and being like, What exactly are they giving me? And are they the only one that can give this to me? Why are they giving this to me? Ideally, We want to meet all of these needs for ourselves in terms of like, I'm so filled up with respect, With my own recognition of myself, With my own love for myself, That I'm overflowing and I have it to share with healthy people. But I'm not so depleted and empty and needy and like grasping for any scraps of attention that I'll accept it from anyone who can provide me with that feeling. And some of them are like friendship, Intimacy, Which we do need relationally. But if I'm so filled up with my own sense of self that I don't really need to desperately hook into a new person that comes into my life as a friend, Because I might have that sense of fulfillment of friendship and intimacy from a larger community or from multiple other friends. The dangers of somebody comes in really quick and they suddenly say, I'm going to provide all this stuff for you, Or they make you feel this way. That's called love bombing, Which is the early tactic of a narcissist. They kind of can perceive who is depleted, Who is easy to hook into, Who could I kind of manipulate? And they'll be like, I'm going to give you all of that stuff. I'm going to love bomb you. Imagine like love being bombed onto you, Like dropped onto you, How intoxicating and disorienting and like just this crazy, Beautiful, Wonderful thing that feels like, And then that's how they hook in and they're like, Okay. And then there's like, There's five stages to a narcissistic relationship. So it's love bombing. And then there's devaluation, Discard, Hoovering. There's like a number of different stages that we can talk about in future conversations. This conversation is focused on the early part of it, How you can avoid even getting into the love bombing stage. Once you're there, You're in an addiction cycle and it's very hard to get off the hamster wheel of that. So we want to watch out before this happens. And that's from like, Okay, I know what love bombing is. That's when somebody new comes into my life and very quickly tries to develop a false sense of intimacy with me. Through meeting these core needs really quickly, Really intensely in a way that feels overwhelming. When something's overwhelming, Irrational minds go out the window, Right? So this is just the beginning of the conversation. Watch out for who is this person? How are they meeting my needs? Why are they moving so quickly and so intensely? And so the solution here is if you meet someone like that, Just kind of watch. That's a flag. I'm going to watch it and I'm going to make a request to go slower and they need to respect that boundary. If somebody respects that boundary, They're a healthy person and they'll be like, Oh, Okay, This person needs to go slower for their sense of internal safety and connection. I'm going to respect that and go slower, Right? Love bombing and friendship might be like constantly texting you, Calling you, Asking for support, Just like nonstop. Oh, You're so great. You're such a great person. Really intense, Really fast. Watch out for that. So focus, The flag, F-L-A-G. The first one is F, The first pillar we talked about. Focus. So a narcissist or a manipulator is always focused on themselves. There's an illusion that they focus on you, Especially during the love bombing phase, But ultimately their goal is self-interest, Self-focus. So think of it energetically. If I'm a narcissist, I'm going to hook you in and give you so much attention, So much love, So much affection and friendship because I want you to focus on me and I want you to think I'm your supply for that. And by you focusing on me, Again, That's a self-focus. It's my ultimate goal for my friendship with you is that you focus on me. And I'm going to use a tactic like compliments, Flattery to get you to always come to me for that sense of energy and attention. I hope that makes sense. If it doesn't, Just stick with me and I'll go a bit deeper. So focus on you is based on flattery and compliments. So you want to ask when somebody is really laying it on thick, Especially early on, What is their true intention? And I have here on the slide, Is it your attention? Is the reason they're giving you all these compliments or because they want you to have your attention on them? So a good way to think about this is what is the depth of what they're saying? Is it like very superficial? Like, Oh, You're so beautiful. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. I've never met somebody like you. All of that's kind of so surfacy. Do they really know you? Do they say something, An authentic compliment might be, I really notice how much you care for your cat and it is very touching and it really makes me admire how open and loving your heart is. So that's like somebody who's really noticing you on a deeper level and giving you a compliment. And again, What is the intention of the compliment? Why are they complimenting me on how I'm caring for my cat? So I'm thinking about that. I think they're just actually really seeing me and it feels so nice. So that's an example of like an authentic compliment. So somebody who has a manipulative tendency might say like, Oh, It's so nice to see how well you look after your cat. I'm always so busy. I can't look after my cat. Can you watch my cat for me? I'm going to call you every couple of days saying I've got this crisis. I got this thing. Can you look after my cat? So what is the intention of what they're saying? Always ask that in your mind. And we don't want to become suspicious and constantly do this with people. This is just early on the vetting stage. And we'll talk a bit more about that as we proceed in this workshop. So another way that you can tell about focus is how they want to spend time with you. Authentic people want to spend one-on-one time with you. They want to go to a coffee shop and just talk and get to know you. For example, They're interested in one-on-one in private, Authentic connection building. I want to know you. I want to build a connection to you. That's often at the pace of slowness and deepening intimacy slowly. If somebody's only wanting to hang out with you in public, They only want you to introduce them to people. They only want you to take them places. That's a flag, Right? Again, Focus. What can you do for me? Who can you introduce me to? I once met somebody in my community a couple of years ago. And he was really like flashy, Like a mover and shaker, Really big smile, Knew everybody, Like a social butterfly. And I used to have parties pretty often. And I invited him to one of my parties. As soon as he walked in the door, Like literally walked in the door, Took off his coat and shoes, The first thing he said to me was, Who should I meet? And it was just like this very quick realization for me, This person is only coming to my home and coming to my party for his own self-focus. Who can I meet? How can I, Who's influential here? Who's can do something for me? And somebody who's authentic wouldn't say that right away or at all. They would come to your home and be appreciative. It's like, Thank you for inviting me. Is there anything I can do to help you with this event? Just kind of introducing themselves to people in an authentic way, Genuinely wanting to get to know people in an organic pace. So those are the kind of things to watch out for. And I actually stopped interacting with this person. That was just one of the flags, But there was other things. But because I watched that flag, I was like, This isn't a good person to deepen my connection with. And so those are the kind of things you want to watch out for. Also, Sometimes we might see a flag and then be like, I'm going to pause the connection. I'm going to push you away further and just observe. And maybe people can come closer. Maybe the flag was a small thing or something that couldn't be addressed, But it's just a caution being like, I'm going to pause. I'm going to slow down and I'm going to keep observing before letting them all the way in. So under focus, Self-disclosure is a really big one to also watch out for. So self-disclosure is a rapport building strategy, Especially when it involves revealing emotions and vulnerabilities. This is really huge. A lot of manipulative people will use self-disclosure as a way for you to get you to disclose. And sometimes what they reveal about themselves may not even be true. So people who overshare often kind of show that they are not somebody who has a lot of boundaries. So that's a flag, Right? People who are healthy in their kind of way of being, They know to themselves to be cautious and slowly build intimacy with people. If they're suddenly like, You meet them and they're suddenly like, Oh, My father's like this. And when I was five, I had this trauma and these are all my allergies. Just like a full personal dump right away. Be like, This person doesn't seem to have healthy boundaries. Because a healthy boundary is like building trust slowly with people and disclosing slowly. So that's kind of a flag to watch out for. It doesn't necessarily mean somebody is manipulative, But it's like, Do I really want to develop a connection with somebody like this? People who also self-disclose a lot, There's an expectation just psychologically, And this is how manipulators use it. If I share something, You're expected to share something back, Right? That's kind of like a normal human way of relating in conversation. So this can be used against you. They're like, Oh yeah, I have this trauma with this person, This person. And I'm like, Oh yeah, Well, I can relate to you because I've had this, This, This. This is a lot of information for somebody to have. If they're a harmful person to know your past issues and trauma, What your wounds are, That's how they can use them against you. We'll often hear stories from people who are victims of narcissists and manipulators who the biggest pain for them is having their private personal secrets exploited against them. So used against them in arguments or disclosed to many people. Um, One example is you might've heard of something called revenge porn, Which is where women trust men right away, Really quickly. And they send them racy pictures. And then the men turn out to be these horrible manipulative people that, You know, They don't get their way, Whatever they want. And so their reaction is I'm going to post all your pictures online. I'm going to send them, Some of them send them to their family and friends and their, Even their employers. And so this is a way of like being like, This is personal things to me. I'm only going to share it with somebody that I know is trustworthy. And that comes with time. So we're going to go back to the feeling good in the context of what I just said. If somebody is disclosing a lot and you're disclosing too, It can feel like, Wow, Somebody finally is hearing me. Somebody finally gets me. Somebody finally wants to know me. And when we think of that hierarchy of needs, The intimacy, The friendship, This person's meeting this need, Right? So watch out, Be slow, Be careful. They make you feel good, Making you feel special, Beautiful, Sexy, Intelligent, Caring. I'm finally chosen. I'm finally seen and paid attention to. I'm going to open my heart open my home, Open all my secrets to this person. They're finally the person I've been waiting for. There's a book called Women Who Love Psychopaths. And I have a quote here from that book. Psychopaths often instigate whirlwind courtships designed to sweep women off their feet and prevent them from seeing red flags signaling danger. It's easy to fall into this trap when they portray themselves as the perfect friend or partner who showers you with attention. So it is exactly what I talked about. When things are quick, When things are overwhelmingly feeling good, It's all a tactic to be so overwhelming and just disorienting, Like falling in love. People often call it, It's similar to being on drugs, Right? It's similar to an addiction where you're always trying to get that good feeling. So we're going to be blind to a lot of the realities, A lot of the harm that can actually be caused by somebody, The red flags when we're in this state. So going slow with boundaries, Trusting, Watching patterns. That is how you prevent these people like psychopaths from entering your life and creating this confusing feeling and then just becoming overly vulnerable to them. So we talked about focus, Watch for flattery versus sincere compliment. All these women who were swept off their feet, They got addicted. They got seduced by the flattery. The flattery, You're so beautiful. You're so wonderful. You're my dream girl. That's not a sincere compliment. Okay. So lifestyle, L, The L of the flag. The lifestyle is observing how somebody actually lives their life beyond their persona, The halo, Observing, Right? Almost like a detective. What's actually happening with this person? What are their actual patterns? So one pattern that experts find is like a lot of narcissists and manipulators are meticulous about how they have their homes, How their appearance looks. You can think of celebrities, Like the perfect hair, Makeup image. It's all about the image, The external appearance. So if it's very perfectionist and meticulous, Often that's a sign that somebody is controlling because they are controlling of the appearance, External. So when somebody has a tendency like that, They're going to have it on other things too. So they might eventually try to control you, Control the relationship. So if somebody's like really perfect, It's just something to look for and then be like, Are they trying to control me? Are they controlling what I'm saying? Are they controlling what we do together? Are they controlling who I hang out with? Are they trying to control any aspect of my life in a way that feels like I'm losing my freedom? Watch for that. On that chart, I showed you the hierarchy of needs. Freedom is on there. So it's kind of like, I'm going to give you intimacy, But then I can take away the freedom. So it's not like they're giving you all of the things you have to watch out for. What am I gaining? What am I losing? So another thing is superficial associations. When somebody is really fast in connection, The speed at which they move indicates shallowness versus a deep connection. That's love bombing. I'm immediately going to get your best friend. I'm going to be the best person you've ever met. I'm going to be your dream, The person, The friend I've always wanted. Often victims of narcissists and manipulators, A lot of them are older people, Elderly people, People in nursing homes. And experts have found it's because they're lonely. A lot of times they've lost connection to family. A lot of their friends have passed away, But they are people that have money often. They've had successful lives. They are perfect victims for harmful people. They'll use manipulation. They'll be like, Oh, I'm going to take care of you. I care about you. I want to hear all about your old war stories. They build this intimacy really quickly. And this older person is like, Wow, I've been so lonely. And I finally have somebody that wants to listen to me and spend time with me. And they get sucked in and they get their pension taken. They get their house robbed. Like all these harmful things happen to them because they, On that, Remember that list I showed you of needs, They got so many of those needs met in a false way by manipulators. So the speed at which these people move is quick and it's overwhelming to these older people and they get really sucked in. So watch for speed. Superficial associations is that, How deep are the connections of other people that you know? A lot of harmful people, You'll never meet their family or they won't have actual deep friendships. Somebody I knew who are the harmful person that I was in a relationship with, They didn't have any friends. They had a friend in elementary school, But they had no friends as an adult. And I was like, That's really weird. And they were like, Oh, It's just because I was homeschooled and I lived in a rural area. I'm like, Okay, I can kind of see why that makes sense. But actually it was a big, Huge red flag because it showed they were unable or unwilling to form deep connections with other people. So we want to look at their lifestyle. Are they somebody that looks really successful? Like they go to a big event and they're like, Hey, Hi, Hi, Hi. They know a lot of people, But how deep are the connections? How long have they known these people? So like a celebrity, For example, They're going to have that halo effect. Everybody knows them. Everybody wants to talk to them, But how deep are their connections? So before you really trust somebody, You want to watch for their lifestyle. Do they hang out with good friends on the weekend? Do they have people that they can rely on that they talk to? How close are they to their family? That's not necessarily something you should be considering a red flag. A lot of people are estranged from their family because they have difficult families, But it is something to watch out for. I myself, I'm not very close to my family and it could be a flag that somebody looks at and they could ask me more about it and I'll be like, Oh, These are the reasons why. So it's important for people to look for these patterns and ask and be curious. Again, A red flag isn't a reason to run away from somebody. It's a reason to be curious and protect your heart. So the other one about lifestyle is, Do they move locations often? Who has known them a long time? This is so important. I've noticed so much that there are often people that come into communities, Come into cities, Especially big cities. I'm in Toronto right now. There's people that come into communities here, Like spiritual communities, And they'll be like, I'm from Costa Rica. I'm from Europe. And then they'll have this big persona and everyone will get enticed by them. And then sometimes these people can cause big harm. Like there was somebody that came in and they had this huge, Like, I'm a plant medicine guru. I'm all these things. And then they really harmed a lot of women in a very significant way. And it's because we all kind of got enticed by this, This new person that came in and had this, The halo halo effect. Nobody knew them. They had no references for them. We had to just believe everything they said, And they drew all these people in and caused harm. So with people like that, You kind of want to, Again, Go slowly. Be like, I'm going to observe. I like you. I think you're interesting. I'm going to observe over time and see how you interact with other people, What your behaviors are, Your integrity, Your honesty. And let's see how things go. You know, Like you can watch patterns, Like, Do they try to sneak in to parties? Do they pay their ticket price? You know, There's like little things like, What are their integrity markers? Moving location often is a big thing to watch for. So often harmful predators will like, The reputation will become known. They'll become destroyed within communities because everybody's like, Hey, This person did this thing to me. They harmed all these women. And then these people will leave and go to, Just move to other places. I spent a few months in Costa Rica and that is like a hotbed of really people with a lot of like problems that couldn't function in their hometowns. And they just flood these other places and become these like big personas there. And they can say anything about who they are. And it's because they're so dysfunctional and where they were, They couldn't be there anymore. So they just escape, Escape their problems and fly somewhere else and cause new problems for whole new people. And then they just keep hopping around. So you really want to watch for like these big personalities that are travelers and just watch, Be slow. So the next thing we're going to talk about is A for under flags, A-F-L-A-G, The A stands for associations. So do they judge or criticize people a lot? So they say like, They're so stupid or, You know, Think of how they are treating service workers or servers at a restaurant. Are they condescending? Are they, Or are they kind? Are they compassionate? Are they patient? If somebody is always criticizing other people, Gossiping about other people, Just know that eventually they're going to do it to you. Just like the example I gave in the beginning of somebody who's making small lies, They're going to eventually lie to you. Pattern is a pattern. Just because they're doing it to other people, It doesn't mean that you're immune. They're eventually going to do to you. And I hear from so many women who are victims who say that they saw them do to other people, But they never thought that person would do to them because they loved them. They cared for them. Trust me, Trust me. They will eventually do to you. This is like a larger pattern that indicates somebody's character. So you want to watch for the flag. How do they treat other people, Especially people that are below them in status, Like a service worker, Like a waiter? So the other thing to look out for is that they get jealous when other people are getting attention or are successful. There was somebody that I knew that I could tell had narcissistic tendencies, But they were in my larger community and they were so gregarious and laughing and joyful. But then I would notice certain things that made me feel like there was a flag. So we were at a birthday party and the person was getting a lot of attention. We were going in a circle and talking about what we loved about the person. And I could see the guy that I had the flag for, Like slowly his face would get scowly and he was doing this and he was withdrawing energetically. And I could tell he did not like this person getting so much love and attention. And then I watched it at a Thanksgiving event and the person said, So we went around the circle saying like, What do we feel grateful for? And the person was so upset that people were having these great lives and great things happened to them. They were showing gratitude on Thanksgiving that they stopped the whole thing. They're like, This is too much for me. I need everyone to stop making it seem like they were overwhelmed and all the attention was on them and on soothing them, Caring for them. And that was the big flag for everybody. And what it showed is they couldn't stand other people being successful or having attention on them. They needed all the attention on themselves. And this person went on to cause harm in the community. He harmed women. And so these were little flags that we all could have paid more attention to and being like, This is somebody that we might want to just have like a further away from, Not have them into our homes, Into our intimate lives. So the thing to watch out for also is something called a path or flying monkey. I'm going to share my screen. Give me a second. Look at my screen now on the top corner, You'll see a monkey with wings on it. This is a flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz. And if you remember the Wizard of Oz, There were all these like minions, Flying monkeys that were sent out to cause chaos and watch people and like just do the bidding of like the darker forces. So they're called flying monkeys within the kind of psychological context. It's like a known term. The other term is called a path. So a narcissist will use an a path. They're kind of used interchangeably, These two terms, A path, Flying monkey, And we can all become these people. If we fall victim to a narcissist manipulation, We can become a flying monkey for them, Which means we'll go do their bidding and we will cause harm on their behalf because they'll manipulate us into thinking we're actually doing a good thing. So for me, This happened to me actually, When I was in a workplace, There was a pretty, Pretty harmful woman there, Very gossipy, Very jealous. And she would use other people in the office as a flying monkeys and a pass to like, Try to get more information, Gossip about people's personal lives, About like just all this drama. So it actually became a big problem in the office because we would just be interacting normally. And then there'd be certain people that she would hook into, Connect with and convince, Oh, We need to like really find out what's happening with this person by playing the victim and being like, Oh, I'm just concerned. I'm really concerned about this person. We should find out if they're, What's really going on with their lives. So then she would cause these flying monkeys to come through and ask for very personal questions, Try to get information. This can happen a lot on social media. And that's, It's just basically bullying. So we can be like, This person, Like we're going to cancel people. This person did this and this and this, And we need to like teach them a lesson. We need to kick them out of our group. So they'll create all these flying monkeys to go attack them, Like leaving comments on their posts, Trying to report them. That's what can happen when we aren't careful and like really questioning what are people's intentions and am I being manipulated into doing something that is like actually not truly who I am. And we do this when we want to have a sense of belonging or have this person like us or be in their circle. If they've love-bombed us and made us feel like we're so important to them and we have such significance and we really want to be trusted by them, They can tell us anything and we'll believe it. And we'll think we're being helpful. Oh, I'm being a good person. I'm being helpful by like attacking somebody else because I want to be unsolidary with them. So really, Really want to watch people's intentions and stand in your own truth. And if you say like, Hey, That's not something I want to do. It's not feeling like it's integrity, In an integrity for me. Watch how they react. So somebody who's a healthy person will honor your boundary and say, Oh, Okay, You know, Maybe they'll ask questions, But they might, They'll probably understand and be like, Okay, I understand this is like where you're at and that's okay. A narcissist or a manipulator will not react well to that. And they'll guilt trip you. They'll be like, You're not on my side. Like, Don't you, Don't you care about me? Don't you love me? Don't you want me to do, To be like right here? Right. So they're, They'll use all these tactics. So you don't want to become a flying monkey. You don't want to become an APAT. You want to be a good person. You want to be an integrity, Right? The next thing, The last flag is goals. So what do you know about their ambitions, Their real motivation? Where do they spend their time aside from where you see them? Familiarity is not intimacy. This is huge. A lot of times in communities, Experts will say, Oh, You know, For example, A predator to a child, A lot of the adults around them will say, Oh, They were a teacher. They were a mailman. They were people that we saw all the time. They were the neighbor. So familiarity, We see them. So we think in our minds that we have an intimate connection with them. We trust them because we can see them often. And this is the problem. Familiarity is not intimacy. Just because you see a person at a social gathering five times, Or you go to this regular party and you see this person who goes to the same one, That doesn't mean they're your friend. That doesn't mean that you know them. That doesn't mean you can trust them. Be very careful with the trick of the mind. The mind will say this person is familiar. So I know them because I know them. I can trust them. That's not true. Familiarity is not intimacy. Intimacy is intimacy. Intimacy is grown over time through trust. So long-term connection is another goal that they might have. So again, Spending one-on-one time with you and helping you accomplish something, For example, Is a green flag. I'm invested in you as a human being. I want to know you. I want to help you. Those are signals that, Hey, This person is authentic. Short-term connection is the opposite. That's a red flag. And only wanting you to help them with things, That's another thing. And this can even be helping them with emotional support, Always calling you, Always like draining you emotionally. These sob stories or need for help or feeling like a victim. Watch for that victim mindset because that is when they can start potentially using you as that flying monkey. This person, They'll project and say somebody else is harming them. But really, They're the harmful one. So be careful. Stand in your integrity. Do not cause harm on behalf of someone else. So when we first meet somebody, We want to look beyond the halo of appearance and how they make us feel. We want to take a wide view of them by looking at the patterns. That means we have a wide-angle lens view of them. Think of photography, Right? Not a snapshot of the current image, The wide angle over time, Almost like a time-lapse photography. Think of your relationships like that. I'm going to notice over time. Longer-term observation. Some behaviors that you want to look for are beyond the image and the appearance. What else am I noticing? If I go to their house and I see that there's a picture of their ex-partner and the face is all scratched out, What could that mean? That could probably mean that this person has excessive anger. They have an explosive anger, Right? A healthy person would probably just throw those pictures away. They wouldn't cause harm to the picture and then just keep it. So that's something to look for. That's not a normal behavior. And that's something that these people, Harmful people do. They have the intention to cause harm. So that is a red flag to watch out for. How do they talk about previous people they've dated? If somebody says, Everyone I've dated has been a psycho, Women are crazy, That is something to really look out for because how does that happen? How does everybody you've ever met been crazy and a psycho? The odds of that are infinitesimal. And even then, There's some part that you played in that. What about you caused these people to be in your life? What about them made you miss all the flags? Also, Even if all of that is not true and you actually just have been unfortunately the victim of these people, What is the reason that you are calling them a psycho and crazy? Be curious. Ask these questions of people. What exactly happened? Some of these people will be pretty clear and give you a very clear indication that they're not somebody you should interact with. If they say, Oh, She kept calling me and texting me and she wouldn't stop, Be curious about that because sometimes that can just be an indication that the person was needy because they weren't getting their needs met, Because this person is an avoidant. They don't follow through on their plans. They're hot and cold. They're emotionally unavailable, Right? So what is the larger wide angle lens of the story? The snapshot, If you take it, It's like this person that is a narcissist will say, I'm a victim because all these people are psychos around me. They're crazy. The wide angle lens approach is the curiosity. Again, What was their role in the relationship? If they start giving you indications that somebody was needy, For example, As I just mentioned, Go deeper with our needs not being met. If we go deeper, We know, Yeah, Maybe this person isn't somebody I want to invest deeper into my own life in a way that I become vulnerable. And then I attach to them and they don't meet my needs. And then I develop all these coping mechanisms and behaviors, Reaching out, Trying to get my sense of connection back with them. And then I'm considered crazy and then a psycho because I'm needy, Right? When ultimately what is actually happening is this is a person that is so self-focused, So much in their narcissistic tendencies that they cannot emotionally meet anybody else's needs. That is the wide angle lens. So we want to always be curious and ask questions and not take things at surface level all the time. I'm going to share a tool with you that will help you let people into your life in a way that is safe, In a way that honors your boundaries and tells you if somebody else will honor your boundaries. So I'd like for you now to grab a piece of paper and a pen if you can, Just taking a few moments to do that. And actually, If you want to grab some water or anything else, Go to the washroom, Let's take a 30 second break. And again, A pen and paper is what you need when you come back. Do you have your pen and paper? Okay. Let's talk about the planet Saturn. Saturn is a planet that has multiple rings around it. So Saturn in this picture is the white circle and all of the blue spinning things are rings. If you're into astrology, Saturn is the planet that rules boundaries. Personal boundaries. So it's really good kind of tool or metaphor for this work that we're going to do. So Saturn, Us, And then the rings around it get bigger and bigger, Right? And so we want to think about this in terms of ourselves. We are Saturn. We're the center of ourselves. And the relationships we have are people who are in different rings around us. So on your paper, If you can just make a circle, It's you, That's you representing you, Saturn. And then around you, If you can make a few bigger circles, So it kind of looks like a bullseye. These rings are representing your boundaries within relationships with other people. And these rings are boundaries or the rings of intimacy. We only let people in closer to us after they have slowly shown us through their patterns and through our wide angle observation of them that they deserve to come in closer. We come into harm when we let people come in right away. We trust them. You're so shiny and so great and make me feel so good and you're finally the person that I've been waiting for. I'm gonna let you right in and they cause chaos in our lives. So the first string, So this is everybody, This is everybody in the world. The first string is our acquaintances. These are people that you just met. They might be friends of friends. They might be people you meet at events, But they're acquaintances. If you meet somebody for the first time, They're not your friend. We use the term friend, Brother, Sister, Fam. We use these terms so casually. I've met people that say like, Call people like my beloveds or my loves. It's like, It's such a yucky feeling for me. It's like you built this false sense of intimacy with literally everybody so quickly. You don't even know my name, But I'm your beloved. Like it's, It makes me question things because it's trying to, Somebody's trying to build intimacy right away. So acquaintances are on the outside ring. Then there's a social friend. So this is somebody that you've met more than once and you've talked more than hi and hug. You've said like, You know their last name, You know what they do for a living, You know other people they know. They're your social friend. And then there's the close friend, Which is the next level in, Which is somebody who you know even more, But you've seen them even more times, Right? You've talked about something even deeper than surface. You have a wide angle lens of them. You've seen patterns that are positive with them. How they interact with other people. You know people that they've known for a long time. You have seen that they have, Are able to have deeper intimate connections with people, Right, As an example. Do they ask you questions about yourself that seem like true intimacy? Like they really want to get to know you. A close friend is somebody that wants to spend time with you one-on-one. They want to have coffee with you. They want to really know you as a person, Just for the intention of developing a connection and knowing you. Not because they want something from you, Because you can give them credibility or you can take them places or you can do favors for them, Or you can listen to them endlessly about their problems and give them, Send so much emotional labor on them. That is not a pattern that you want to continue in your life with this person, Right? So what are the positive things that you're looking for in a close friend? Then the next one is your partner or a relationship or somebody that you're in a business with. That is somebody that is touching your ring. Like they're an intimate connection with you. They know information about you that's personal. You trust them. Can you call this person in a crisis? Can you trust them with a vulnerable thing about you that you trust they won't use against you or spread around? So the harm comes to us when we don't take people through these layers. We just let them come right in. So this exercise is really to show you how to build this in a safe way. So if there's somebody that's coming into your life now, Just think about which level are they at? And as an exercise as well, Think about what the criteria are under each one. So for example, I'd just like to spend like two minutes with you doing this. So what with your pen and paper? Acquaintance. If you can write that down, Acquaintance. What are a couple of points that make somebody an acquaintance? So you met them once, Right? So you met them once. An acquaintance is somebody that you don't know anything about, Right? So then the social friend is somebody that you do know something about. So I know their name, Their last name. I know what they do for a living. Okay, Close friend. I know people they know, Have known for a long time. I've observed their patterns over time. I trust them because I've observed their patterns. I know that they're not going to take advantage of me because I've observed their patterns. And I know that they wanna know me authentically, One-on-one. Then they get access to you. The green, They get access to you. They are able to have a more intimate connection with you. That's trust. So a really good exercise for you to do is to like make a list that's personal to you because I just give you examples, Right? So you wanna think about your own life, What makes sense to you? And if there's somebody that's entering your life, Think about where they are on these rings. Are they in an appropriate spot? Or do you need to kind of create some boundary or distance until you observe them longer over time before you're letting them in? So the world is actually filled with wonderful, Authentic people who are attractive and kind and genuinely do care about you. They brighten your day and make you feel valued and loved. I mentioned there's like 10% of the population may wanna have some caution with, But the most people are great. And we wanna have an open heart and a loving heart. And the way that we do that is to keep it open and loving by protecting it. The more harmful people come in and like stab us and damage us, The more closed our heart becomes to these other beautiful people that are waiting for us. That's why it's so important to be careful and make sure our hearts are precious and protected and safe so that we are openhearted and loving and available. So we wanna choose people with that ring exercise who choose you, Ask how you are. They see you, They let you be you. They don't try to control you or change you or criticize you all the time. You're too much this, You need to be this, You need to do this. They feel good to your nervous system. That means I feel relaxed in their presence I feel calm and I feel good, Right? They don't activate me and make me feel unsure about myself. They don't criticize me and make me feel insecure. And they don't flatter me artificially to make me feel like this false sense of intimacy and romance, For example. It's a healthy relationship feels calm and easy and good. So you can breathe easily around them. That again feels good on your nervous system. I'm not tight and vigilant and like walking on eggshells and worried about you criticizing me because I've seen you criticize other people, For example. You don't need to perform for them. You don't need to build them up and be like, Oh, Really, I love your outfit and you look so good and you did such a good job. They are a secure person. They have a sense of self that is true and solid. They don't need your own sense of like flattery and attention all the time on them. And they're good for your mental health. Again, Because they feel calm to you. They feel good to you. They feel happy and nice and safe. They wanna see you win. They're not jealous. They're not competing for attention. They're genuinely happy for you when you succeed and when you are doing well and when you're happy because they are doing well and they're happy. They already are self-fulfilled and then you are too, Right? You're not, Your presence isn't feeding their emptiness and their presence isn't feeding your emptiness. And they don't try to control you, Which I mentioned, Like you are who you are. You're doing well. They're celebrating you. They like you just the way you are. Choose people like this. So when you do your ring exercise, People who get to touch you to come really close in, They should be meeting all these criterias. They let you be you. They feel good. You can breathe easily around them. Then they come in and they can get to know you. Then you're choosing safe, Healthy people in your life, Not people who could be narcissists or manipulators. So I wanna talk a little bit about the value of self-care. The value of a narcissist in our lives. It's really easy to vilify them and consider them these evil characters and they're horrible and they harm us. And yeah, They do harm us, But they also can make us stronger. They show you where you're not strong. They show you where you're weak, Where you're not free. Remember that chart I showed you, The hierarchy of needs? Somebody who's not authentic comes in and they show you where you're not free, Where you're lacking in your other friendships, Where you're lacking in connection and intimacy. And then they, Because they're like, Those are your vulnerabilities. It's your kryptonite. It's where you're empty. And I can come in and exploit it. So it kind of shows you, Oh, Hey, This is where I need to be stronger. I'm not fulfilled by somebody else swooping in and saving me and giving me all these false compliments, This flattery, This sense of intimate connection and then using me and manipulating me. Once we have all these horrible relationships with these narcissists and manipulators, We realize where we are not free and they ultimately make us stronger. So we're not separating ourselves from them and being like, Oh, It's so terrible. I don't want anything to do with it. This is an opportunity for self-examination. How did this happen? What about us allowed this in? Make us stronger, Create stronger boundaries, More self-protection, More discernment, Right? So we're not wrong for having these in our lives, But we have the responsibility to get stronger and choose better. So again, Watching out for people who have red flags means looking for their focus, Their lifestyle, Their association and their goals. The last thing I'll say is that if you have somebody in your life already that you've let in, You've let into your circle who didn't go through the vetting process and you feel like you have a manipulator or a narcissist in your life, It can feel really like terrible, Like you don't know what to do. You feel out of control. So there is one thing that has been shown to be very effective. And this is something the psychologist, Dr. Rahmani, Who I spoke about earlier in the presentation says is one of the only ways that you can get rid of these people. Because if you just try to shut them out or break up with them or close down, They think it's a threat. It's a threat to the power and control they've gained over you. So they can turn against you. Or they can use other tactics to keep drawing you in. Right, Which is called hoovering. So the only method that really works is called gray rock. You can see these rocks I have here to indicate a gray rock. So gray rocking is pretending you're almost like a rock, A big gray rock. So a narcissist is always trying to get energy from you, Your attention from you. But a rock can't give attention or energy, They just are. So if I'm just being a quiet, Gentle rock that can't be manipulated or swayed, Doesn't react, Then eventually they will move away. They'll like move away from you in terms of like they'll find something else to entertain them or get energy from. So this can look like baiting you, Being like, Oh, Again, The love bombing, Let's use love bombing as an example. Oh, You're so this, You're so that, You're the only one for me, I can't live without you. All these things they might say. And they're expecting to like give you this energy of flattery and then you open up and you're like, Oh, Okay, I'm gonna let you back into my life. And then they hook you in again and then you're like stuck again. What you need to do is be a gray rock and they can be like, Oh, This, That, This, You're the one, You're the one. And see how this rock isn't opening up, It's not really moving. And this person can try all these things and you could just kind of just like, Ideally you have no reaction. So that might be like not responding on social media, Not responding to texts or if you see them in public just kind of pretending they're not there, Just being like very, Very, Very casual in your interactions, Not providing any personal information even about how you're doing, Just being like, I'm fine. Came in to redirect, How are you? So it's focused on self-focused, Give them what they want. They want the self-focus and then just move, Just like make an excuse and get out of there. As soon as you start to open up and let them back in, They'll start, You're hooked again. So that could be like even complaining about people, Criticizing people, Playing the victim. I need your help, Or this person's doing this and da, Da, Da, Da, Da, No, You're not reacting. And reacting is also energetic. So like empathetic people will open up our hearts and we'll be like, Oh, I'm gonna spend time with you and listen to you and comfort you in some way. We're not people's therapists. They need to hire professionals for that, Right? So a friendship is like a mutual connection where you're both equal and you're both getting support and both being loved in the same way. Be the gray rock. They can be the victim, They can say whatever they want. They can try all of these tactics, Energetically trying to suck you in, Pull you in, But a rock can't be pulled in, A rock that's like on the ground solid. And they'll just kind of move away. This is the only way is to stop feeding the monster. This is what psychologists have said. So if, Again, It's not your fault that you got into these relationships. It happens to the best of us, But it is your responsibility to protect yourself by using your boundaries, Letting only people in that have proven over time through their patterns that they deserve to be with you in your friendship, In your business, In any relationship. And if they're already in your life, Try the gray rock method. And if you need more support, Please reach out to me. And I hope this was helpful and I'm sending you so much care and love.