Why Being Yourself Feels So Uncomfortable

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Why Being Yourself Feels So Uncomfortable

by Anna Thellmann

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Live Class Recording - Being yourself should feel natural - so why can it feel so uncomfortable? In this talk, you’ll discover how overthinking, people-pleasing, perfectionism and self-judgment keep you fighting yourself and why acceptance does not mean giving up. You’ll learn how to sit with discomfort, quiet your inner critic and build the self-trust to feel more at home within yourself.

Self Acceptance Authenticity Emotional Resilience Inner Critic Courage Grief Emotional Awareness Confidence Resistance Identity Authentic Self Grief Processing Confidence Building Resistance To Change

Meet your Teacher

Shenyang, Liaoning, China

Meet your Teacher

Shenyang, Liaoning, China

Transcript

So hello, Hello, Hello. Welcome. And we talk about why being yourself feels so uncomfortable. And I want to start with the concept of being yourself, Because I think there is a widely spread misunderstanding of what being yourself means. The thing is. . . When you ask someone. Who overthinks. Who calls themselves a perfectionist or who has low self-dignity. Who is avoiding. Boundaries or is a people pleaser, Whatever it is. That is yourself. That is who you are. That is your authentic self. You hold back, You try to be someone else, But that is who you are. The other version that you would like to display, That you would like to tell people, Look, This is my boundary. This is how far as I go. Look, I don't people please anymore. Look, Everything is okay. It doesn't need to be perfect. All of these other ideas. They are. In the simplest way, Wishful thinking. That's what you would like to be. But your authentic self. Currently, Is the version that is still in this bubble of Keep replacing. Perfectionism. Holding yourself back, Making yourself small. Shutting yourself down and shutting yourself up. That is who you are. So that is yourself. When I wrote down why being yourself feels so uncomfortable. That's part of it. You don't want to be like that. And that's the thing. It feels uncomfortable to be yourself. And the big question is, How, Anna? How can I be comfortable with that? And my answer will always be, Accept yourself. And I think last time we talked about the concept of what acceptance means, And it means to welcome. And value what is now and you being a people pleaser right now. That's what is right now. So accepting it. But yeah. I'm a paper pleaser, Full stop. Feels uncomfortable. But how did the lady in Ted Lasso say? The truth will set you free before it will piss you off. This is bed tea. But then it will set you free. So that's what we want to learn, To be ourselves by being fully the good, The bad and the ugly, By accepting all of that. Now let me go. Through this step by step. So being yourself, You don't like the way you do, You say, You think, You come across. You want to be different. So what that means in my world, How I lived through it. And if you've been here before, You probably know that I had five miscarriages. And when we moved to China, It happened a couple of weeks after. And I was in this hole where everything came together. I was sad, I was craving, I was hateful to my body. I was hateful to every other, Every pregnant woman. I was hateful to the babies. Yeah. And I felt empty. And after a couple of months, I just felt numb. But I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to feel different. I wanted to be happy again. But that's the thing. I wanted something that wasn't there for me right now because I tried to work against it. I didn't accept. Me in that phase, In that moment of time. Desperately wanted to be different. But that was me, That was my authentic self at the time. And it felt uncomfortable to be like that because I judged myself for feeling that way, For thinking that way. For hating every pregnant woman. For hating my body. And I thought, Anna, You haven't hated your body. So why now? Why do you do this? So I was blaming and shaming myself. So you get into that spiral. You start with it, With a small little thing, And then it grows and grows and grows because you hold onto it, Because you're resisting it. You're resisting the acceptance. And that's why it feels uncomfortable to be yourself, To accept that. I feel shite right now. No, You don't want to feel like that. You want to feel different. And when clients come to me and when we talk about this acceptance thing and they say, No, I can't accept myself how I am. Because that means that I'm standing still. That means that this is it. This is who I am for the rest of my life. But that's not the case. Accepting just means welcoming what is right now without judgment and judgment Let me remind you, It's positive and negative. Judgment is not only negative. It's associated with negativity. But when you judge something, You say it's either good or bad. Yeah, That's judgment. You're judging it. Remember that. So without judgment, This is who I am today. You would judge it if you would say, I hate who I am today. This is shite about me. That's judgment. But it's also judgment when you say, This is so amazing about me. Funnily, This is what we want to achieve, To feel like, Oh, I love everything about myself, Or I love these parts of myself. But it's still judgment. Because judgment runs both ways. So you want to be different. And for example, You'll want to be more confident. But you're resisting the fact. That currently you're not confident. And when we're on that topic, Let's define what is confidence, Because confidence Doesn't mean you do the thing. Now you're confident. Confident gets built. By doing a thing over and over and over. That's how confidence gets built. What you need to do that. Courage. That's where the missing point might be, The courage to do something. Because often what happens is you have this idea that you want to tell your partner how you feel. Maybe unhappy with the way they behave, They treat you, Or how you would like the dishes. Sorted, How you would like the dishwasher to be, Ordered, Whatever it is. And it's not that the confidence is missing. It's the courage. That you lack right now. Because you're afraid. You're afraid that They might reject you. They might love you less. They might start an argument and you don't know how to respond. Go through that argument, Might not have the talking points, Or it might just make you feel very bad and limiting and small. When they say something against it. I guess lied to you. Yeah, Even worse. But you're afraid. When you put on that carriage, Courage, Not carriage. When you put on that courage. That the feeling that comes after it by not getting what you wanted. That's what you're afraid of. How do you deal with that? And that's often what we try to avoid. We try to avoid the feelings and remember the feeling is an interpretation of the feeling. Your body sensation. And what's going on in your brain or the experiences, Beliefs, The fears. Yeah, It's a filter system in your little brain and there comes the body sensation and it might feel like this is weird and then it goes through your little filter system and then it comes out like I feel ashamed, I feel small. I feel bad and you want to avoid that. Because you don't know how to deal with that. How to deal with that negative feeling. How to deal with this. Discomfort. And that's in the end, Yeah? We here now have the line from being yourself and feeling uncomfortable. You don't want to deal with that feeling, With that emotion, With those thoughts that come with it. And once you learn how to deal with these emotions, The body sensations, With your thoughts, With your feelings that are just an interpretation, The world is your oyster because then you know that you can handle it. If you feel ashamed, If you get rejected. Yes, It feels shite. Because you want to be the chosen one. But you got rejected and it made stink. Don't like it and you want to hide under the smallest rock that you can find. But you can deal with it. You know that you can deal with it. And that's what it's all about. Knowing that you can deal with whatever comes after. With what comes after you put on that courage. After you fail. Or you may win, You may succeed. How do you deal with that? Because what comes with succeeding when you have been trained that failure is the go-to road, That's what's happening for you. Some of us have this idea, That belief. That when I ask for what I need, For what I want, I don't get it. So my courage ends in failure. But now, What happens when your courage ends in success? How do you deal with that? And often what happens is there is this fear to lose it. To lose, It's just a one-off, So you try to make it small, You try to make yourself small. Or you say, Maybe it was just like in this moment of time, That's why I succeeded. Maybe it was them being in a good mood, That's why I succeeded. But you don't see that it was your courage. And there's always the chance of failing or succeeding, Yeah? That's all there is, Failure or success. But you're so used to the failure that success feels like it's slipping away. It can't be repeated. It's a one-off. But the missing point is. That in order to succeed more, You have to fail more. I learned this in business. At the beginning, So I'm having this business now for five years and at the beginning I listened to this. What was her name? Brooke Shields, I think. I don't know. But anyway, So she said, In order to get 10 yeses, You need to get 100 nos. And I was like, What? What? Really? Seriously? Do I do that? Do I need that to get the 10 yeses? Hand with nose. Yes. Yes, You do. You learn from it. One success might be like, Oh, This is one off. Yeah, You doubt it. You doubt yourself. There is still no confidence. But you do it again and then you fail. And then you'll. Put on the courage again and say, Okay, Try it again. So you try again and you might succeed again. It's like, Okay. Okay. And then you do it again, And then you fail, And then you fail again, And again, And again. But you have learned how to handle. Your emotions, How to sit with those thoughts that come up, How to interrupt those patterns. Of, Ooh, My inner critic is coming. Ooh, My inner critic is telling me this. Ooh, My inner critic is doing this. How did you learn that? You came to the identity upgrade. Just a quick intro of the program that we're starting in October. That's where you learn this, But you learned how to do it. And when you can sit with that, When you don't make it like, This is my day now, This is my life now. That I feel ashamed for the rest of my life. If you can see it as this is a temporary. Thing, No matter how long it has already taken in your life. As soon as you stop to resist. What's going on. That's when it becomes easier. That's when you can sit with it easier. That's when you can sit with it. And I have that experience. My clients have that experience. When we sit with that discomfort, It becomes less and less. One of my clients told me that they were sitting. With discomfort for 20 minutes. And that's not the longest. Sometimes depending on what's underneath. In your subconscious buried somewhere, What beliefs. Can take days. For me, Sometimes it takes days. When I discover there is a limiting belief, There is this discomfort. There is this wound somewhere. I was like. . . Where does this come from? Let me sit with it. And I sit with it, And I sit with it a day, Two days, Three days. Until it's resolved. But when you don't do that, When you jump into resistance, No, I don't want to be like that. This is not who I want to be. I want to be the other person. I want to be the other version. You go against it, You're fighting yourself. Now, Like I told you before, My story with the miscarriages, How I felt so sad and hateful, And I just wanted to be happy. And I gave myself permission. At one point after being in it for months. Six, Seven, Eight months. Feeling this numbness and wanting desperately to be happy again. There was this little voice that said, Just give yourself permission. Give yourself permission. To be set. Give yourself permission to be hateful. Give yourself permission to feel empty for the rest of your life. Whenever there is a trigger. Whenever there is something that reminds you. Of what you lost. What you never had. Give yourself permission. To feel, To feel exactly that. And what happened for me is it was like, And you probably know this feeling when this Big bag of stones is falling off your shoulders. That heaviness, It's just sliding off. And you sit there and you feel so much relief. And from that place. That's when you stop fighting yourself. That's when you have accepted. That's when you have welcomed what is right now. No judgment. No, This is amazing or this is shite. This is what is. Right now. So by giving myself that permission. I could deal. With the grief. I could deal. With the hatred that it took. It took me, I had. To put on. That courage. To allow myself to feel that way, To sit in those feelings, To feel all of these feelings, To have all of these thoughts, To feel ashamed of myself for thinking that way. For being so useless, For my body being so useless that it. . . Can't do that. By allowing myself to feel that way. With it and it wasn't nice. Don't get me wrong, There was this relief. Yes. And it was beautiful. It was amazing. But what came after. Is that you sit with that discomfort. And I did that. And I still do it because. Every now and again, Something reminds me, Something triggers me, And it really depends on what mood I am, What day of my cycle I am, And what's going on in my life. That something triggers me and I feel sad and I feel that pain in my chest, In my heart. And I miss that opportunity that I was given all these five opportunities that the life that I could have. And that's okay, And then I sit with it. And it doesn't feel nice. But I let it be. I don't push it away. I don't try to fight myself. I let myself feel it. And by letting it be. I feel the discomfort. For minutes, For an hour, For a day. And then it passes. And then eventually, At one point, It comes again. But what I noticed over the years, And it's been now five years. It still happens. But it happens shorter. So the trigger comes. The feeling, The body sensation, The thoughts. The thoughts got quieter and quieter. They're not shaming and blaming anymore. It is more of. My babies. And there is this melancholy, Maybe. That's there. And then I let it be. And then it goes. And that's. What we want to work on. That's what we want to learn because if you can do that, If you can sit with that discomfort. And if you can. Accept the thoughts that come in. And yes, There are tools that you can use. Quieten that inner critic, Which is, I believe, Important because otherwise you're going in circles. You want to befriend that inner critic of yours that sends you all over the place and into so many spirals. You want to befriend it because if you don't befriend it, You're fighting against yourself because that is part of who you are. Some call it the ego. In Germany they say it's the devil on your shoulder. So whatever you want to call it. You want to befriend that part of you. Because if you don't, It's just a continuous fight against yourself. And that doesn't get you anywhere. Of course, No. Take that back. It gets you places. Don't get me wrong. Your inner critic can push you to achieve stuff. And I have so many clients that have many degrees and have reached so many great things driven by the inner critic. But what they all have in common is that they feel exhausted. And that they feel under constant pressure. To achieve more, To do better. And to fight. Themselves to not accepting who they are, Because how can I accept the version that I am today. When I was that other version. Yeah, That's the difference. So how can I accept this version? We also forget so often, And I have to remind myself about this as well, Is that everything is temporary. The only thing that is consistent is change. Everything changes constantly. In small ways, In big ways, But the only thing that is consistent is change. Nothing stays the same. So even you, As the version that you are today, After listening to this, After watching this video, After listening to this, You won't be the same because every experience will shape you. Particularly if you. Start thinking about it. It doesn't matter if you're listening to me or to anyone else. But as soon as you reflect, As soon as you say, OK. Where I am in this. What am I doing? And you do that without judgment. That's the important part, Yeah? No judgment, Positive or negative. Where I am. In this. What could I do differently? What do I want to do differently? Can I? Of course I can, But do I want to accept who I am right now? And that's the question that many of my clients say at the beginning, They don't know. How can I accept myself? This version of me that I am today, When I want to be that other version. But again, Let me go through this one more time. Being yourself, You don't like the way you are. You want to be someone different. You want to behave differently. So that's why being yourself. Feels uncomfortable. Because you want the confidence. But confidence only comes when there is courage. And courage means failure or success. And with either way, What comes after is that emotion. The thoughts. And when you can deal with them. Again, The world is your oyster. Your life will be transformed. Because what could be better? And please put this in the comments. Let me know what is better. Than accepting who you are. And saying, Yes, This is me. And with that, I stop the inner fight. I stopped fighting against myself because that's the only person, The only thing that you're fighting against, No one else, Just yourself. And when you can sit with that emotion, The discomfort. There's nothing that you. Can't go through. Because you know some things take longer. Some things take shorter time. You know that you can handle things. I have learned over the years that no matter what happens, I can handle it. I fall down. That I know I can get up again. My life could be destroyed. In a second. And I know somehow. I will get up again. I know it can take a while. But I know I can do it. I'm not afraid of those feelings. I'm not afraid of those thoughts. I'm not afraid of those body sensations. And know I can handle them. And my question to you is, How much are you willing to handle? Because that's the ultimate question. I'm just remembering there was a client and we were trying to sit with the emotions together. After maybe 30 seconds, She said, No, No, No. This just feels too uncomfortable. I want to get out of it. And we did, We stopped it, And then we tried again. And every time we tried again, She could sit longer with that discomfort. But it's a training thing. Yes, You trained yourself for so many years now. To avoid. All of these emotions, Yeah. And now don't expect from you to become a master overnight. Start small, Be consistent. You will get there. And dip. Because there is this acquaintance of mine, And she is afraid of love. So she believes that men are the worst, Because she had many experiences, Many negative experiences. And now she is I don't really like to talk to her because it's so much. Negativity and so much hate towards men. And when I asked her, So. What are you afraid of to start a new relationship, To meet someone new? And she said, I don't want to be disappointed again. I don't want to be hurt again. And I hear that so often. Instagram. I love it. But on the other hand, There's so much stuff out there where they say, I don't want to be hurt again. Yeah. So I'm protecting myself. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. And I always think like, God, The only thing that you need to learn is to sit with your emotions. Because being heard is part of a relationship. There is not one relationship in the word. Where you won't be hurt at one point. Small or big. It's part of it because there are two individuals coming together, Each of them from their own space and fears and thoughts and beliefs. And that you do things that the other person thinks is disrespectful or shameful or embarrassing or whatever. And you do the same. That's inevitable. It happens. But what you do then is you sit with that, Like, Okay. They struck me. Why did this happen? Let me talk to them. Let me find out what did they mean when they said that. What do I want to make with it? What meaning do I want to give it? It's not that you're afraid of being hurt, It's you're afraid because you don't know how to deal with it. So when it feels uncomfortable to be yourself. It's simply because you don't want to sit with that emotion. You don't want to sit with that discomfort. Again, Because when you go out there and when you tell people, This is Huaya. I want this. And people say, No, You can't say that. You are too arrogant. You are too this. You are too that. If you reject it. Can you sit with that rejection? Can you sit with that feeling? If you can. You walk past it. And you learned and you grow. So you can deal with the next rejection. But again, 100 rejections, 10 successes. That's how you build your confidence to be yourself. But first you need to learn to sit with that discomfort. So I want to. Invite you. To stop resisting yourself, Stop resisting who you are right now. Accept it, Welcome it, The good, The bad, And the ugly. And when you do that, It's very uncomfortable. And then you sit with that. And if you want to learn how to do that, You come into the Identity Upgrade Program. And that's where you learn it. That's where you get all these energy clearings. So it comes from deep down the clearing to give you a purpose. Body and your mind and your soul, Your energy, The flow back. That you can go through it easier. I'm not saying it's super easy and fool, It's a breeze. But by removing those energetic blocks. It is so, So helpful. And it just reminds me, I was talking to a client. Yesterday and she had a tragic tragedy happening. Her son had a bad accident and I was asking her, So how are you dealing? And she said, Anna, If I wouldn't have gone through your program. Through the second launch. I don't think I would handle it like I do now. Because I feel. Even though I feel very scared and even though I feel so useless, So helpless. I also feel strong and I know how to deal with this helplessness, How to sit with it, How to be in this discomfort without letting it destroy me. And she's listening to the clearings. She said to put them on again. And it's so, So helpful to her in this very, Very difficult situation. But she has learned to trust herself. She has gotten the tools. To be in the discomfort and to not be. Let it destroy her life and destroy you. Try to hide under that. Little rocket somewhere and put her head in the sand and just shout the world out. So do that, Learn to accept yourself. And that brings me. Till the end of this episode.