The Solo Journey Of Happiness

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

If you're new to this podcast or if you've been listening for a while,

There's good and bad news about happiness.

Let me explain.

As we begin to apply some of the principles we're learning here,

We're going to find that our lives are going to get better.

We're going to find ourselves finding more peace in our hearts,

Finding more happiness in our hearts,

And life is just going to go more smoothly.

And that's the good part,

The very good part.

It's wonderful to live life more richly and find happiness no matter what's going on in our lives.

It's such a joy to know that no matter what life throws us,

We can be at peace.

We can find happiness and joy no matter what.

But there is a hard part to this happiness because no matter how hard we try,

No matter what we do,

We have very little influence on other people around us.

We can greatly affect our own happiness,

Our own peace,

But affecting those around us is far more challenging and sometimes just impossible.

And sometimes they may even go the opposite way in which we are going,

And these can be people that we deeply love.

First,

I'd like to use an analogy to illustrate this.

Imagine that we're a very physically healthy person.

We eat really well,

Organic fresh fruits and vegetables.

We exercise regularly,

And we just take good care of our bodies.

Now our own partner,

Our own family,

Our parents,

Our children,

Our sisters,

Our brothers,

May be the exact opposite of us even though they see the benefits of our lifestyle.

They can just not follow us.

I mean if you're a parent and in this situation,

Like I said,

You make good choices,

You may notice that your children do the exact opposite of what you do.

Even in marriages we see this sometimes,

Or in relationships where one partner is healthy and fit and the other person isn't.

I remember many years ago I was working out at this particular gym,

And it had a group of these men that were friends that came to work out early every day.

And they had been friends for many years.

They knew each other.

They worked in the same type of industries.

But every day they were complaining about their wives and how their wives weren't fit like they were.

These guys were in great shape.

And I've seen women do the same thing.

I know many yoga instructors that I've had over the years that are in incredible shape,

Incredibly flexible and just in great shape,

That often complain about their husbands who are stiff as boards.

Or if we use a parent example,

We all know examples of kids that have parents that do one thing,

And the kids do very different things,

Or we may ourselves have a very different life than our parents had.

We don't necessarily do whatever one around us has done.

There are some things we hang on to,

But often we go down very different paths.

So why is this?

If our lives are getting better,

And we're finding happiness,

Joy and peace in our lives on a regular basis,

Why wouldn't our family and our friends just say,

Wow,

That's great.

I want to be like you.

Well,

Again,

Using the fitness example,

Because I think it's a good one,

If we're in shape and we're in our 50s and 60s,

We've been doing things to be in shape.

As we get older,

There's consequences to our choices.

Good consequences to good choices,

Bad consequences to bad choices.

And it's hard.

It's hard getting up to go to the gym or taking a yoga class or eating right.

It's easier.

It's cheaper.

It's just so much easier to do other things than that.

So people that tend to be fit are doing things to be fit.

And it's work.

Happiness really has the same guiding principles.

There are specific things that we have to do to make ourselves live a happy life,

A peaceful life.

And if we don't do these things,

We're not going to be happy.

This is what this podcast is all about.

And some of the aspects of being happy in our lives are very hard to do.

Definitely doable,

But they're hard.

It's hard to adapt an approach of non-attachment in all situations.

It's hard to be kind and set boundaries at the same time.

There are many aspects of happiness and peace that are challenging,

Very doable,

But challenging.

So if we don't want to do them,

It's easy not to.

And if we don't do them,

We're probably not going to find much happiness in our lives or not the type that we're trying to find here.

So what we do have a lot of influence over is our own choices,

The choices that we make throughout the day to improve our lives,

To find peace and happiness.

Those things we can have a lot of influence over.

But to effect change in other people's lives,

That is far more challenging.

Over the past 30 years,

That's what I've done for a living.

I try to help people improve their lives through my practice,

Through my speaking,

Through this podcast,

Through my writing.

That's what I do for a living,

Helping people improve their lives.

But what I've learned is,

No matter what I give,

And I feel I can give a lot,

It doesn't mean the other person is going to accept it.

They may completely reject it or they may just not do it.

That's probably the more normal thing I see.

They get it.

It's kind of hard to argue the points that I'm making because we kind of all know that they work.

It's kind of like with eating.

We all kind of know that eating fresh,

Organic fruits and vegetables is good for us,

But doing it is hard.

We all know that exercising is good for us,

But doing it is hard.

We all know that not drinking too much alcohol and doing drugs is good for us,

But for some people,

This is quite hard.

So it isn't that I can not help people.

It's just that they don't have to accept the help that I offer.

And I think for most of us,

This makes sense.

And this is doable.

We have friends,

People we care for,

That we try to advise and they just reject our advice.

They listen to us,

But they just don't do it.

What is far more difficult is our close family members,

Like our partner,

Like our children,

Like our parents,

Like our siblings.

Those are the hard ones.

And I think there's two reasons it's difficult for us on these fronts.

One is we really care for them.

I mean,

We deeply love the people in our lives,

Particularly family members.

And if they're having a difficult time,

It's hard for us.

It's difficult when we see them challenged in life.

So we want to help them.

We want to teach them things that can improve their lives.

And the second part that makes it extremely difficult,

Particularly if it's our children,

Is we feel responsible for the way their lives have turned out.

If they're unhappy,

If they're struggling,

If they're in prison,

If they're living on the street,

If they have a mental illness,

It can be very hard for us,

Very challenging.

So what do we do in these situations when we want to help others and we're not getting the response that we want?

Well,

First and foremost,

We just have to understand that there are so many influences that shape a human being.

Even as a parent,

We're a big part of it,

But we're definitely not the only part of it.

I have two teenagers now who I deeply love,

But I would say at this point in their lives,

They're being far more influenced by their teachers and their friends than they are by me.

Because as our children get older,

They just spend less time with us.

And when they move out,

They have very little time with us,

Sometimes just a few times a year for a few hours.

So to say that we are the cause of who they are and how they turned out or even that we can necessarily influence it is not really true.

There are just too many factors in place to cause our children to be the way they are,

To cause our loved ones to be the way they are.

And sure,

We can gently suggest,

We can especially model happiness,

But we can't make them choose that path.

And we all know people in life who come from the exact same parents,

And yet one sibling turned out one way and the other turned out a completely different way.

If you remember our president,

Jimmy Carter,

I don't know if you remember much about him,

But you know,

He was our president,

Which is pretty impressive.

He later won the Nobel Peace Prize,

And he got greatly involved in helping with Habitat for Humanity after his presidency.

Well,

His brother,

Who was raised by the same parents,

Came from the same background,

Had difficulty running a gas station,

And really struggled with alcoholism.

And yet they had the exact same parents.

We can turn out very differently for a myriad of reasons,

And we just don't know all those reasons.

But what we do know is we can change our lives.

We can,

If we implement the things we learned here on the Happiness Podcast,

Improve our lives.

And we can truly find astonishing improvements if we keep working on it.

But it's a solo journey to happiness.

Those around us,

Those that we love,

Even our partners,

May not join us.

So we have to decide,

Are we going to be happy,

Or are we going to follow someone else down the path of unhappiness?

I know some people may choose a lighter,

Because they just aren't willing to let go of the pain.

But it is better to say,

Okay,

I get it.

I can love this person far better from a happy place,

From a peaceful place,

Than from a dysfunctional place,

A place of pain.

And even if they don't join me,

I can still deeply love them.

I do feel we can influence the people in our lives that God brings in our lives.

But we don't know how we're going to influence them.

We don't know who they're going to be.

What we mostly need to focus on is our solo journey to happiness.

And then see from that what results.

We're going to be better friends,

Better partners,

Better parents,

If we do find the peace and happiness inside of us.

But it doesn't mean the other people are going to join us.

And sometimes they may even get mad at us when we set up boundaries,

When we don't want to do things that are leading us to unhappiness,

And they keep going down that path.

Here's an example that you may know or be living yourself right now.

We met our partner after high school in university,

And we partied together.

We had a good time.

We really like to get out and drink and just have a relaxing,

Fun time.

Well,

As we got older now and we have children,

We've cut back.

We don't drink as much because we know drinking regularly is not good for us.

We've,

In a sense,

Grown up and are working towards being healthier and happier.

Well,

Our partner may say,

Hey,

You're not fun anymore.

I'm going to keep doing that.

And they may.

So our focus has to be on not,

Of course,

Joining them because that would be unhealthy for us,

But continuing our journey towards happiness and just seeing what unfolds.

Sometimes they join us.

Sometimes we just stay with them and focus on our own happiness,

Or sometimes the relationship ends.

But if our focus is on being happy,

Making our lives work,

That's the one thing we can do.

The thing we can't do is control other people.

We just really can't.

We can nudge.

We can encourage.

But we can't control them.

They're on their journey.

We're on our journey.

So our focus is to find peace and happiness with each breath of our lives,

No matter what.

We can do that.

It definitely takes work.

But we're here to learn these skills.

We're here to implement these skills.

And we're here to find that joy,

Find that peace in our lives,

No matter what.

And I want to end with a P.

S.

Today.

If,

For whatever reason,

We're single,

Maybe we've never been married,

Maybe we're going through or just ended a relationship,

Maybe we've been divorced for a while.

But whatever the situation we're in where we're single,

Where we're solo,

I would recommend this.

If we decide that we want to find a partner to spend our lives with,

Partners have a great influence on us.

They do impact the way we engage with life and our happiness.

Not completely,

Of course.

We can be happy,

Even with our partners being unhappy.

But if we are starting off with a new person,

They probably should contribute to our happiness and not take away from it.

I know things can change.

I know they may change.

But at least right now,

If we're single,

And we can't find anyone that is going to contribute to our quality of life,

Then probably better just to stay single,

To stay solo.

Or,

If we do find someone to decide to enter a relationship,

It should add to our life,

Not just be there because we're lonely and we want someone there as a warm body.

It is better to be alone and happy than be with someone who detracts from or maybe even hurts us in regards to our happiness.

Ultimately,

They can't.

But they can make life a lot more challenging.

So,

Right now,

If we are single,

Perhaps we'll stay single until we meet that person that truly is going to add to our life.

And if we don't,

We're going to have a beautiful journey through life,

Solo.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

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And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

.