Radically Showing Up For Yourself Live Talk & Practice 09/30

1:09:10

1:09:10

Radically Showing Up For Yourself Live Talk & Practice 09/30

by Dr. Femke E. Bakker

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talks

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Meditation

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This is a (part) recording from Femke's Weekly Friday Live of 30 September 2022. In it, Femke explains how radically showing up for you is part of self-gentleness. After her talk, (around 31:50) Femke guides you in a shadow work meditation that will self-empower you. This meditation is also published as a meditation only, see Femke's track list. You can be present during her Weekly Friday Lives: Fridays 3:30pm EST | 9:30pm CEST, see Femke's profile for a list of the topics.

Boundaries Self Acceptance Shadow Work Self Compassion Empowerment Inner Child Anxiety Meditation Boundary Setting Inner Child Work Practices Public Speaking Anxiety Visualizations

Meet your Teacher

Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Netherlands

Meet your Teacher

Dr. Femke E. Bakker

Netherlands

Transcript

Hello, Yes I think I am live. Hello, Welcome to my weekly Friday life. My name is Femke Bucker and I'm one of the meditation teachers here on Insight Timer. And every Friday at this time I am here and I'm speaking about you, You in your world. And the topic of today is radically showing up for yourself. So what I'm really curious about is what are the situations where you feel you would need to radically show up for yourself. And in a bit we're going to speak about what I mean with that. Because it sounds pretty fierce, Right? Radically showing up for yourself. It sounds like you're going on the barricades, You're going to fight. But if you know me, And probably you do if you've been here more often, I don't speak so much about fighting. I speak about gentleness. I speak about self-gentleness. Which I define as radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness. So you might expect that when I say radically showing up for yourself, It has to do something with self-gentleness. After all, Everything I teach here on Insight Timer is about that self-gentleness. About you becoming more and more kind, More and more gentle, More and more loving with yourself. So that you change your perspective of you and you change your perspective of the world. With as a result different interactions with others. And very often you are becoming a lighting example for others who might also need a little bit more self-gentleness in their lives. Because let's be honest, When we look around, When we look at people in general, Who is really self-gentle, Who is able to forgive themselves whenever they're doing something wrong. In every instance, Who is able to be kind to others while still setting their own boundaries. It's not so easy. And you know, I'm teaching self-gentleness, But it doesn't mean that I'm 100% self-gentle, That I'm the master of this. No, It's a lifelong work in progress process. And it becomes easier, It becomes more fun. It becomes deeper, More engaged. But it's like peeling an onion. And there will always be new situations where you again have to train yourself to be self-gentle. So this is what I'm going to speak about in a few minutes. But I'm really curious what has drawn you to the workshop today. If you're here every week, Then I know because you just love my work, Not workshop, You love my lives. But there might be something in the title that is still doing something to you, Triggering something to you. And I really would love to hear from you in the comments. So let me just take a look there first. So I see a lot of names of people that I know. I see that Evie made it. She wasn't sure she would. That's really, Really great. Hi Angela. Hi John. Hi Mel. Hi Victoria. Lovely to be here. Yes. Luanne, Dora. From a stormy UK. Is it stormy in the UK? Yeah, I think tomorrow I'm in the Netherlands. It will be stormy here as well. You're right. You're looking forward to this so much. Well, You're so, So welcome. Cornelia says, Often we are afraid to be selfish or an egoist when we stand up for ourselves. At least for me this is the case. That's a really great point, Cornelia. And something that I speak more often about, Because it's something that is so deeply ingrained within all of us. When we feel we need to take care of ourselves or we need to say no or we don't want to do something and there is the expectation of someone else and then we feel that we are selfish, We feel that we're egotistical and we cannot say no or we cannot set our boundaries. So the first thought that I want to give you about that, And if you've been here more often you might have heard it more often, Is this. If you, In a kind and polite way, Tell someone that you cannot do something and you have your good reasons and you don't even have to explain them and they are telling you, No, No, You cannot think of you first, You have to think of me first, The question is then who is selfish? That's a good one to think about, Right? For me, Realizing that a few years ago made a huge difference. I was someone who was always ready to help others, Always there, Going over my own boundaries, Really forgetting about myself because I so wanted to help people. And I really felt guilty if I couldn't or if I once had the guts to say no because I was feeling selfish then. Why am I thinking about me when I can be helping someone else? And I think that a lot of people are suffering from this. So the first thing to think about is that whenever someone is guilt-tripping you, Whether it's explicit or implicit, Whether it's just pushing your button that they cannot survive or they cannot do their stuff without you or really playing in your face, You are a selfish, You are an egoist. If anyone is giving you that feeling then really take a step back and feel for yourself. It is true and in most of the cases it is not because you are feeling that you have to take care of you and who else is going to do it if you don't do that? So the other one is telling you that you are selfish because that you have to think of them first. I think that is really way more selfish. And I do know that there are people in your life that don't mean that in a selfish way because they genuinely believe that they cannot get where they want to be without you. But also there, Also there you always have the right to think of yourself first. Because now comes my other analogy which I also use a lot and that is being in the airplane. Just before take-off the cabine personnel will tell you that in case of an emergency there will be oxygen masks and you have to put yours on first. Even before you are little kids who cannot do it themselves. And the reason is really understandable. If you don't have oxygen you cannot help no one. But the same goes for your energy of life. The same goes for your good night's sleep. The same goes for you being ill, Having emotional stuff going on. Or maybe just needing plain rest because your body is tired. That is the same. If you cannot replenish yourself first you cannot be there for others. Or like this beautiful saying in English you cannot pour from an empty cup. And we use these as phrases but do we really live up to that? Do we really get there? So yeah, This is a really important thing that I want to say. But I also know that if you are someone who likes to help others, Who wants to be there for others, That you still feel a little bit, You might understand it with your head, But you still have this feeling in your stomach that you are still doing something wrong. So for you I want to tell you something else. The moment that you start to be self-gentle, The moment that you start to radically being there for yourself, Whenever mistakes you are making, Whatever is asked for you, If you can really honour what you need right now, What your body needs, What your mind needs, What your soul needs, What your heart needs, If you can do that, Then you are going to shift your perspective. There is going to be a massive shift in how you look at yourself and how you look at others. And by taking care of yourself first, There comes such a new flush of energy, Maybe not right away, Because first of all you are probably depleted for being there for a lot of other people, But when you start to regenerate and get your energy back, You will have found a different way to be there for others from a place of so much more energy and so much more love, Because it is not something for which you have to push yourself over your own limits, No, Your feeling that you can give with freedom and with love. And that is why I teach self-gentleness, Because I have seen time and again with myself, With my students, That by taking that good care of yourself, You can open up to what you really are deeply within, And that is love. And that is love, And that can flow to everyone and you can be there for everyone, But if you cannot tap into that power first, It is really easy to take a toll on yourself, And I don't want that to happen with you. So, That is in a nutshell why I teach self-gentleness, Because I want you to be gentle for you, But also because it is going to make a massive difference for the world around you, And the more people become self-gentle, The more they give an example to others to be self-gentle, The more people will become self-gentle, And the more gentle we will be with each other, So that all kind of troubles between people, And you just have to look around in the world to see what is going on, Might be turned to cooperation rather than conflict, Might turn to agreeing to disagree but respecting each other. And I know it sounds like a very naive perspective on the world, But would you rather hold on to a grim perspective, Where people are at each other, Where we are fighting with each other, Where we are having conflicts with each other, Or would you want to start being really good to yourself, And finding out what good that will bring to the world. So, I know you can follow me cognitively with your hand, But doing it is really something else. Doing it needs time, Needs easy effort. I don't want to use the word effort too much, Because it's not hard work, It is gentle work, It is kind work. Alright, So I went really deep into that, I think I held almost all my talk, No, No, No, We will get there. But I hope you understand what I said, Cornelia, I see you said it's a good point. Victoria says I am mirroring those people just back at them, So they themselves can see and feel how they treat me, And then I walk away. That's really great, Victoria, That means that you are setting your boundaries, And you are really, Really clear about how you have to take care of yourself. That's wonderful. Yes, Hi Jerry, Lovely that you are here. John says we need to do ourselves first in order to be there for others. Yes, Absolutely. But the general connotation is so much that if you think of yourself first, You are really, Really selfish. But that comes from observing people who are really greedy, Or maybe it's even more the fear of people might be greedy. I don't know how this is in English, But in Dutch we have a saying, It's actually rhyming, Where we tell children, When they ask a question, Children who ask will not get a turn. And as a kid already I hated this, Because I had so many questions I just wanted to know. But asking here is asking for something, Getting something. And I've never told my own kids this, Because I hated this as a kid, And I still hate this as an adult, Because I think you teach people to be more aware of expectations around them than expectations you have from yourself. And by the time you're grown up, All grown up, Your expectations of yourself are shaped by the expectations of the world outside us. So, Yeah, Everyone can ask everything. You don't always have to say yes as a parent or as a person, Right? That's something else, But we can ask. So if someone asks you to do something for you, And you feel depleted and you cannot say it, You can say no in a kind way. And if they start to push, Then you at least know that your boundary is working. They have received the boundary, It's really, Really clear. Then don't start to explain why. You don't never have to explain why it is, Unless you feel that need. But no, That need might be wanting them to understand why you cannot, While they might understand your need to explain as negotiation, To get some kind of a deal out of it. And the question is if that is what you want. So, Let me go back here to some more of your comments. Let's see. Kathy says, I went out of my comfort zone by going to a yoga class that I hadn't been to before. I was the only one there, So I got one-to-one teaching with a yoga teacher. It felt a bit awkward, But I did it. Oh, That's great. I mean, How lovely is it to have, You know, Your private yoga lesson, To have all the attention of the teacher being really helped. Yeah, It might have been awkward, But I really hope that when you think back of it, That you can feel also how wonderful it was. You know, Like you were the superstar, You were the rock star having your private yoga lesson. Nothing to feel awkward about. I'm sure that your yoga teacher was really happy that you were there, So that the yoga teacher could teach you. And this was a gift. This was just a gift that happened to you. Maybe reshape it like that, Because you deserve things like that. That is, You know, That self-gentleman. That is that radically showing up for yourself. So, Victoria explains that it took her many years to get to this position where you can actually understand when people are asking something for you that you cannot and that you set your boundary. And I agree, It's like being self-gentle and setting boundaries belongs really to that. It's a lifelong process, Because there will always be people or beings in your life who will ask something for you when you cannot. And sometimes it's really, Really hard. I mean, If it's your kids, How? I mean, I'm a mother myself. It's really hard for me to say no to my kids. And I'm not speaking about because they're already pretty big. It's about helping out sometimes when I don't have room or space or time or energy to help out. It's always a fine balance. So, Angela agrees. She says, Yes, It needs practice. Mel says that she stopped being the one who always makes the effort. So now people aren't making any effort with me. I let some of them go. Yes. Yeah, That's a really great way also to understand. You know, Sometimes we hang on to our friends for a very long time, Even though if it would have been a romantic relationship, You would have acknowledged that you were grown apart. So we almost never break up with our friends while we sometimes break up our romantic relations, Although there also sometimes we continue to hang on. Well, That's not always not always the best place for us. But OK. But with friends, We do not always are so consciously in it. Well, Yeah, I have some friends with me. I mean, My friend, My friend that is the longest with me since I was 10 years old. So she's one of my friends. But since then, I've gathered many more friends. Some of them are still here. Some of them have been there. Some friends are with me for a few years and then a few years not. And then later on, They are back again and then you connect again. So, Yeah, Everything is possible. That's really beautiful. All right. So. Radically showing up for yourself. I think I said already a lot about that. So but let's just get to the core of it. What I mean is not so much that you have to fight for yourself or make this strong effort to pound with your fist on the table and say, This is what I want and this is how I'm going to do it and this is how I want to defend myself. Although it can be that you get there. What I'm speaking about is a process before the way how you express yourself to others, Where you are radically showing up for yourself. The process before is. Allowing yourself to actually be in contact with yourself exactly how you are right now in this body with whatever is going on in this body, With this mind, Whatever is going on in this mind, With his heart, Whatever emotions are streaming or not streaming through that heart. And with your soul, Which is for me basically the connection being connected with yourself, Your heart, Your mind, Your soul, Your heart. But also with everything that is and every being that is. So. It takes a lot of courage, First of all, To make that connection with yourself. How often do we really feel what is going on in our body? Just how many times think of your own life, How many times you feel that you're tired during the day or maybe in the evening, But you don't go to sleep yet because you still have to do this or you have a guest that you don't want to offend by telling them, Sorry, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. Or your friend or spouse still wants to see something on the television and ask you to stay with them while you want to go to sleep. Those are really small instances. But you recognize them because they are there or how often when we are at work and we just want to go home and then something is asked of us and that we feel we cannot say no. Or an example I just gave you with children that suddenly want something from you. And when your child, Well, In my case, When my kid wants something from me, It's very often that they want it immediately. So that gives some sense of urgency, Very often a false urgency, But something that is a pitfall for me, I noticed. You know, All these kind of things. Can you then connect? What is it now that I need? Am I tired? Do I have a lot of energy? Do I need silence? Do I need stimuli? Do I need a hot beverage? Am I hungry? Or maybe I'm not hungry while I'm still eating. All those kind of things, Our connection with our body is very often poorly understood. Well, When we listen to our body it's very clear, It's really really clear about what it needs. When it's pain, There is some annoyance, Some irritation, Some itching, Pain. It always tells us what it wants, Whether you're hungry or not, Whether you want something to do, If you have to sit, If you have to sleep, Our body tells us. But we are so trained not to listen to it. The same goes with our heart, Our emotions. We are taught already very young that it's okay to have some emotions, But when emotions are loud or disturbing to others, Like sadness or grief or pain, Screaming, Being angry, Frustrated, Irritated, Or even, You know, Overwhelmed with joy. We are really really happy and joyous. Also then very often we are, Hey, Take it down, Calm down, Behave yourself a little bit, Hold yourself, Restrict yourself. And because we hear this already as a kid, It becomes part of our being to understand that emotions are not something good. Next to that, When you are experiencing unpleasant emotions, Very often called negative emotions, But I prefer the terminology that John Rosenberg coined by calling it unpleasant emotions, Emotions that don't feel good in your body, They give you an unpleasant feeling, And pleasant emotions, Emotions that do give you a good feeling. That's a way better way to describe it because then you can relate it to how it feels in your body, Rather than focusing on the stories that give you emotion, And those stories might make them even bigger. And also especially what's going on in our minds. I'm a meditation teacher and I know most about how to go, How to deal with those thoughts that are always popping up in your head. And the thoughts that we very often have about ourselves can be pretty rough, Can be pretty critical, Can be pretty harsh, Especially when we are doing things that we think we're not doing so right. So I have a great example. So yesterday I was asked to come and speak. I'm also working as a research assistant professor at the university. And I was asked last year to write a chapter in a book about political polarization. And this book would be presented with another book. And I was asked to be as one of the authors in a panel across of a public where we would speak about polarization. And now you have to know that polarization is not something that I research, Study, But I do study tolerance. And in this chapter I wrote about cultivating tolerance through meditation, Because that's what I research as a possible way to decrease polarization. But my research process is project is just starting. I'm just with a pilot study. And as a scientist, I'm really careful to speak before I have those results. But there I am in a panel with people who had research polarization, Actual polarization, Already for decades. And some people who were really great at talking, A lot of questions about the problems in the society. And I just felt I'm not in my place here. I'm speaking about thoughts and ideas, Which made me really insecure. And then when there were some questions, I answered them. And, You know, I have some flair. I can bring it. But I felt pretty awkward and I didn't feel that I had the right talk given at the right moment for the right persons. So for a moment, I was not so self gentle. I was sitting there also on a bar stool way too high with a dress. I wasn't sitting comfortable and I thinking, Oh, I really messed this up. This was not going well. Oh, I'm ashamed. A lot of people that I know here in the audience. And then I thought, FEMKE, You're teaching self gentleness. Yeah. So you messed up maybe. First of all. These people, They don't know that you messed up. They just perceived you how you are. Some of them know you already. So they have some trust in whatever you are saying. And if not, So then they don't like you. That's also OK. It's OK to mess up. It's OK to be somewhere and realizing, Hey, I was not in the strongest, Strongest talk that I can give. I was not at my best. But why should I always have to be at my best? So I managed to pretty quickly forgive myself for my feeling messing up. And as I heard the responses from people in the audience, I realized that they didn't see me messing up so much. So those moments are so important. And that was radically showing up for myself. Because I did something, I was dissatisfied with my performance there. And I felt that. And I had some thoughts about it. And then I told myself, It is OK. It is OK. And even if everyone would have thought that I messed up, So what? So what? Who cares? Everyone messes up. I'm giving a good example. It's OK to mess up from now time to time. Or maybe even always. Who decides what is messed up and what not? And by thinking those thoughts, I felt way better. And they gave me as a present chocolates which I ate on my way back to my house. Because it was also pretty far in the south of the Netherlands. So why am I telling you this story? Because I want to show you that I'm not a guru who does everything right. I'm just someone who wants to tell you that it's good to become self gentle. It's really helpful for yourself to become self gentle. And this was for myself a great example that I for a moment dipped into a not so self gentle mood thinking pattern. But very quickly I took myself and I radically showed up for myself. And no one had to know. I just told it to myself. And then I felt good and today a friend of me called, How was it yesterday? And I was like, Oh, Yeah, It wasn't what I wanted. But you know, It's OK. Next time. So that was my story about that. Radically showing up for yourself. Let me just check if there is something here that I can still answer. I think, You know, You catch my drift. It's about you connecting with you and listening to what you need in the moment. And what you need in the moment can be something different from second to second, Even from morning to morning, From evening to evening. The one morning you can wake up and think, Oh, I need to sleep more. And sometimes you cannot, Because I know life happens. You have to get up and you have to work and your kids have to go to school. That's all true. But if you acknowledge that you do need to take care of yourself, That you are tired, Then use another moment to allow yourself to get that, You know. And it is in moments like in the yoga class that Kourtney said, Or no, It was not Kourtney, Sorry, Kathy said, In the yoga class where you come and you're the only one, It feels awkward, But you know, Allow yourself to. It's like a warm bath, Having a private teacher. And it's all about that. So what I'm going to do in a minute, I'm going to guide you through a really great practice. It's an adaptation of, It's coming from a book, It's called The Tools. It's written by, I have to take a look at the names again, Phil Stuch and Barry Michaels. I read this book years ago and when I was preparing this talk of today, I suddenly thought, Yeah, That is a great exercise to do. I never did it. I created the meditation around this exercise. So this is what we're going to do in a minute. But I'm just going over the comments more for a moment to see if there's something more. Some beautiful sharings together. Alina says, I love this sharing theme. Can't you just love it? Oh, I'm so happy to hear that Alina. Yeah, Because I think it's important that we do share these things also. That becoming self gentle also means it has some vulnerability, Right? To tell you this. But I want you to know that I'm just like you. Also, I'm not always self gentle, Even though I teach it. Because it's sometimes really, Really, Really hard. But it becomes easier and you can do it. And so I, I love to tell you about my own experiences. So, Yeah, You can use it for your own benefit. Yeah. Dora says, This is a brilliant thing. So refreshing. Love your light heartedness and sense of humor and strength and being vulnerable. You did your best. Thank you so much, Dora. The book is called The Tools. Yeah, It's. Yeah, I read it, I think, Seven, Eight years ago. I think I'm not even sure if it was published then or already earlier. So let's get to it. Right. And then afterwards, I will come back to see if there are any questions or things you want to share. But let's just meditate. I was always speaking for a long time. So make yourself comfortable. And it means that you can sit comfortable leaning against something if you like the back of your chair or the sofa or the wall or the headboard if you're in your bed. And if you want to lie down, It's also perfectly fine. Just take a moment to realize how you are sitting or lying down. How does your body feel? Where does it connect with the floor? Your feet on the floor? Your bum on the seat. Your back against the back of the chair or mattress. Your head. It's free. Leaning against something. It's all OK. Just know the more you are leaning in, Lying down. The chance is that you will fall asleep. Now, If that happens, That's perfectly fine because your body is then telling you, I need some sleep. And you now are relaxing. You want to meditate, But I want to sleep first. So listen to your body. Sleep first, Then meditate. That's OK. Now gently close your eyes. And feel for a moment your face, If it's relaxed, Or maybe that there are some muscles that still have some tension like your forehead or your jaws, Your mouth. Unless it's a smile. That's OK. A smile is a tension without tension. Wouldn't you agree? Are your shoulders relaxed? If you feel some tension somewhere, Then just move that body part a little bit, Shift it and see if you can settle into some more relaxation. All right. Now let's focus on our breath for a moment. Bring your attention to your nostrils. Where the air is flowing in. And a little bit later, The air is flowing out. Flowing in. And out. And really let the breath be natural, Normal. So if I go faster or slower than you are breathing, Then just have your own rhythm. Don't change anything. Just have your attention on your nostrils. Where you feel that the air is flowing in, A little bit colder, And when it flows out it's a little bit warmer. Flowing in. And out. All your attention to your breath. And if you notice that your mind is wandering and brings you away from the attention to your breath, Then just know that it is OK. Your mind is made to think, But the moment you notice, You gently bring your attention back to your nostrils. To the air flowing in. And flowing out. Flowing in. And out. All your attention to your breath. And if you are distracted by sensations like an itch, It's just OK to scratch it, No problem. And then you gently bring your attention back to your nostrils. Or if there are any distractions in your environment, Like sounds at the street, In your house, At the neighbours, Your dog, That's OK. You notice it and then you bring your attention back to your nostrils. You don't need silence. You don't need a perfect, Relaxed feeling body. You notice things and then you bring your attention back to the breath flowing in. And out. And now you bring your attention to your breath. All right, Now you can keep your attention on your breath while you listen to me while I'm going to explain to you what we're going to do. So we're about to visualize. But I know that not everyone visualizes in images. So if you do, That's perfectly fine. You will use images from your mind's eye. But if you know from yourself that it's hard to visualize, Then just use your fantasy. You know best how you fantasize. Some people fantasize in words, In feelings, In knowing, In remembering. And that's perfectly fine. I will use the words of visualization of images, But you take it with your fantasy and you make it your own. It's really important here. All right. All right. Let's imagine that we're standing in front of a beautiful, Big door. It's actually a door with two doors. It's like the doors in a theater or a stadium. And these doors are now opening. And we are walking through these doors. And there's a long corridor that we're walking in. You hear in the distance already that there is an audience. There is the rumouring, Speaking, Some laughing, Some shouting. There is an audience. And that is exactly where we are going. We are going to be on a stage. And the corridor ends and you notice that you are now on a stage. So if you're someone who likes to be on a stage, You might enjoy yourself. But if you have any feeling about being on a stage, Being a little bit anxious or feeling awkward, Then this is what you might feel right now. And that's okay. Because I want you to feel those feelings for a moment. When you are across an audience, Whether it is an unknown audience, Whether it's big or small, Maybe it's at your work, Maybe it's just your family, But when you are standing in front of people and you find it hard to radically show up as yourself, You feel something. Some people might call it stage fright when it's something that has to do with your work. And some might just call it finding it hard to use my own voice when I am across certain people. So if you like, You can use this audience because I would like you to connect with those unpleasant feelings that you might have when you want to be there for yourself, When you want to radically show up for yourself, But you feel stifled, You feel awkward, You feel shy, You feel limited to do so. So now, Don't go too deep into these emotions because we don't want them in the body. I would like you to let these emotions come out of your body and really use your fantasy to see how these emotions are coming outside of your body. So if you see it, You might see it like a cloud of smoke or maybe you see it as steam escaping, But if you are more the feeling or knowing kind of visualisation fantasy person, Then just use that. Just see that those emotions are being pulled out of you, Coming out of you and they leave no traces back in your body. It's just all coming out of you and now it's there hanging in front of you. And while you are looking at these emotions, You see that it starts to shape. It starts to shape into a being. Just take some time and let your fantasy do its work. You don't have to think about how it's going to look, Just let it exist. Maybe it's just one big blob with one eye, That's perfectly fine. Maybe you see yourself as a little kid, Maybe you see yourself as you think the audience sees you. Maybe it's a monster, Maybe it's a sweet angel, Maybe it's a baby. Whatever it becomes. And maybe if it's just a feeling of something that's also great, But try to get a sense of how these emotions turn into a being. And I'm using the word being because it doesn't have to be a human being, It can also be an animal or a fantasy figure. Whatever works for you. There is no right or wrong, Everything is good and it might be that when you do this meditation again, That it looks different, It doesn't have to look the same every time. Alright, Now when you have a sense of the presence of that being, I would like you to introduce yourself to this being, Because this being is your shadow. This being is that part of you that you feel ashamed of, This part of you that you feel cannot see the daylight, Cannot stand up for themselves in front of others. This part of you that you find weak, Maybe vulnerable, Maybe stupid, Maybe ugly. All those nasty thoughts that you can have about that part of you, That being is here in front of you. Now, Take a moment to feel with yourself how it feels to see this being standing in front of you. Because this being is someone who needs your love and attention, Your support, Your encouraging words. And if you feel that you still have unpleasant feelings or unpleasant thoughts about this being, Then again let them come out of you and let those blend into this being. Let it reshape the being, Let it add some extra ears or eyes or hands or hairs or whatever way you want to shape it. Yeah. And then look again. And realize that this is your shadow, And your shadow is feeling pretty miserable right now, Alone, Unworthy, Unloved, Unheard, Unseen. And that's ok. Because you are going to do right now something to help this being. So, What is the first thing that comes up in you that you would like to do for this being? It can be something simple as saying something, Giving a hug, Giving a kiss, Caressing, Comforting, Making them laugh, Telling them I love you, Whatever comes up in you, Whatever it is, Maybe it's a gift, Maybe you want to give a flower, Whatever it is, Don't overthink it, The first thing that pops up, That is exactly what you are going to give to your shadow. Go ahead. And can you see that they are receiving it, That they smile, Their eyes light up, They feel a little bit better because of you. So now I would like you to feel out if you can connect with them in such a way that you feel that there is a bond, A bond between you and them. What I would like to suggest is that you stick out your hand and you invite them to hold yours. And this is what they do, You stick out your hand, They stick out their hand and they grab your hand and now you are standing hand in hand and be aware of how much support you are giving your shadow right now by just holding their hand, By acknowledging that they are here. And I want you to do something really, Really bold right now. While you are holding their hand, You are looking into their eyes and you are going to tell them I've got you, I have your back, I am here for you, I see you, I love you, I am here for you, I am holding your hand. And you might notice how well your words are received, How empowering your words are. And now we are going to do something even bolder. While you are holding hand with your shadow, You keep looking them in their eyes and they look right back at you until you feel strong enough to do what I am now going to tell you. So just keep looking at them, Keep feeling this bond, Feeling this connection, Make them know that you see them, That you feel them, That you love them. And when you are ready, You are going to turn towards this audience, Whether it is a small audience or a big audience, While holding hands with your shadow and you are going to say with pride, Listen, Listen to us. Alright, Now look them in the eyes, Feel that bond, Feel how much they feel, Your support, Your strength, Your love. And you ask them are you ready? And they nod yes. So now you are both turning towards this audience and together you are saying listen. You don't even have to shout this because you are standing here with your shadow hand in hand and you are just saying listen. And the audience responds, It becomes quiet, Everyone sits down and looks at you with open interest, With an open mind. Yes, Even that person that never wants to really listen to you, They are silent, They are smiling at you. And while you are holding the hand of your shadow and you are standing there, You feel the power, The energy flowing through you. You are seen now, You and your shadow are seen, There is nothing to hide anymore. Every part of you is seen now and you are pretty proud of it because you have acknowledged, You have acknowledged that there is a part of you that might be your shadow, But it is worth to be seen, It is worth, Worth to be heard, It is worth to be open about who you truly are. Because now your heart can shine, Now you can shine, You both can shine. And you now see that the audience is responding, They start to applaud, They start to cheer, They get up from their seats and they are whistling and clapping their hands and cheering you on. And you feel your shadow next to you glowing because they are seen and you might feel your own heart glowing because also you are seen. You have had the guts to be here, You have had the guts to be proud of you in whatever way you come with shadow, Yes, But also with every other aspect of you. Because now you can shine, Now you can be you. And the applause continues, They just cannot stop cheering you on. Can you receive this? Can you receive this admiration, This love, This cheering on, This happiness for you? That even the most critical persons in your life might be in that audience and they are cheering you on. There might be some ugly, Nasty, Stupid parts on your shadow but it doesn't matter because it's you. And you are love, You are lovable, You are worthy, You are special. Just like every being on this planet. Every being on this planet is lovable, Is love, Is worthy, They might have forgotten it themselves but they are just like you. But you are feeling it, You are working on it, You are experiencing it, You are living it and you are setting an example for everyone in your life. And that's the spirit. Whenever you feel that the applause can end, And maybe that's not, But maybe it is. Whenever you feel you can have the curtains full so that the audience can go their own way. And you can spend a little bit more time with your shadow by just giving them a hug and thanking them for being in your life. Without your shadow you would be a shallower part of yourself. Without your shadow you wouldn't have been here where you are right now. With everything that you learned and everything that you're doing and everything that you're teaching to others. Because every person of you is also a teacher, By example. So thank them. Appreciate them. They deserve it. Every nasty, Stupid little bit of you deserves your love and support because it's you. And if you feel a little bit emotional, That's also ok. Just give yourself a hug, Comfort yourself, Rock yourself. It's a release of tension. It means that afterwards you will feel better. Because you're worth it. You're worth it to feel good every split second of every day. Alright, Now you can say goodbye to your shadow. You can decide to leave them here on this stage. You might want to come back to practice with them. You might also invite them to join you again, To be part of you. And when you do so you notice that there are no unpleasant emotions anymore. That's just a true acknowledgement of every facet of you. And that's something special to feel, Right? Cherish that feeling. Remember this feeling. Whenever you feel awkward or ashamed or angry or unheard or unseen, Remember this. And it will help you to empower yourself and feel better. Alright, Time to leave the stage, To walk back through the corridor, Back through the big theatre doors. And when you're back you feel how they close behind you and you know you can come back here every time. The more you come here to practice with your shadow, The more the two of you will blend. The more you will start to see that what you find ugly, Stupid, Dumb, Is actually pretty awesome. Because you are awesome in every facet of you. Alright, So take some time to get back in your body, Get back in the real world. Keep your eyes closed. You can move your fingers and toes, Stretch your spine, Maybe stretch yourself or yawn. Let go of whatever you want to let go. And then in your own time, Take a few minutes, You can start to open your eyes, But take your time. Take your time. And if you're sleepy and want to go to sleep, And you can go to sleep, Then do so. That's also good. Listen to your body. It all starts with listening to your body. So while you're coming back, If you want to share something or ask something, You're most welcome to put it in the comments. I will spend a few more minutes to take a look. I want you to know that coming Wednesday I have an extra life. It is called learn to be gentle with yourself. And it is also called Q&A, And it is because I had workshops about self-gentleness planned on Insight Timer. But as you might remember, I told you last week, Insight Timer decided to pause all workshops for the coming three months, Because they have to revisit the format on Insight Timer. Coming week I will hear more about that, And then I have to see if I can go forward after three months with the workshop, Or that I have to find a different way. But so many people already signed up for the workshop on Wednesday, That anyway it's going to be like a group coaching session about self-gentleness, So you can ask your questions, I can answer them. And maybe by then I know a little bit more about when the workshops can return, Or that I might do this on my own platform, I don't know yet. So you're most welcome to join me Wednesday. It is at 3. 30 pm Eastern Time, Which is 9. 30 pm Central European Time, Amsterdam Time, Mein Time. And if you cannot join me Wednesday then of course next Friday I'm here, And then the topic is trusting your heart. You know I love to speak about our hearts, Because our hearts are so beautiful, Our hearts are. . . They make us, Keep us alive, Biological, But they're also connecting us to who we really are. So, Trusting your heart. But I will speak to that next week, Friday, Same time. But if you can join me Wednesday you're most welcome to do so. So, Let's see. Mel says, Wow, I lost my stage fright, It worked. My shadow was my inner child. I actually bought a doll this week to represent my inner child to help me in this work. I cuddle her a lot. Wow, That's beautiful Mel. I'm happy that it works for you also, That's great. Angela says, I really like that you used your area of expertise and brought a new perspective that was true to yourself. After all, They asked you to write and speak. Aww, Thank you so much, That's really kind of you. You were referring to my experience earlier, My experience of yesterday. Thank you for those words, Angela, I really appreciate it, Thank you. Hey Rose, Lovely that you're here. Thank you, You also have a beautiful weekend. You're most welcome Sara and Leanne. Sara says, I felt powerful as I had fear on one side and my other child on the other. I'm happy that you felt that, That's really great. Yes, So like I told you, So I read this book, I think 2014, 15 something like that. And I really liked this practice, It really helped me to start thinking differently about that part of me, That shadow part of me. It's a real great practice to do, Especially if you have to do something in front of other people that you might be a little bit afraid of or you might feel anxiety or just being nervous, Then doing this practice is really great. So I've recorded it also today, As you know, I'm publishing the lives in Insight Timer as audio tracks. And I made it a habit now to publish first the talk and the practice as one, So you can listen again, Or if you weren't here, You can listen and do the practice. But then also the practice only, So that if you like the practice, You can revisit it and you don't have to first listen to the whole talk. So that's also what I'm going to do. So you can always come back and practice with this if you feel that you really need to do some shadow work, And this is a really great exercise to do on a frequent basis, Once a week or something to support yourself in that process. And yeah, Let's not forget that the more often you practice this, The easier it will be that when you are having stage fright or having to confront someone, It's really quickly that you can have your shadow there. And as you can feel, I'm holding the hand of my shadow and I'm just standing in front of everyone. Yes, They see my shadow, But that's okay because I've got them. And if you, If you now tomorrow have stage fright and you have to do it, And you did this today for the very first time, It will be not as strong as when you will do this very often on a frequent basis and you've done this like 20 times. And then you have a stage fright and then you're doing it because then you've practiced it and it's really easy to connect to that feeling then because what this practice actually does is it allows you to be who you are and to be connected with that and to speak with inner authority, To speak with authority of who you truly are, Rather than based on expectations of what you think people are expecting of you, Which is never a great exercise. It's never a great way to proceed because that stifles you in very often. Victoria says I was dancing with my shadow, Just like I did when I was a kid, But then adding my contemporary moves. It was magical and freeing. I was flying around, But then I feel comfortable on the stage having been on stage many times. That's great, Victoria. Really happy that you used also that freedom that you feel on a stage to actually take your shadow to like a new face to dance with them. I really love that. Thank you so much for sharing that. You're most welcome, Evie. Monica, You were late. Yes. Yeah, You say awesome because of the recordings. Yeah. And of course, If you listen to my recordings, Whatever recording or my courses, I love for you to leave me reviews. The more you guys show to Insight Timer that you like my work, You review it, Then the Algiorhythm picks that up and it offers it also to others. And the more people listen to my work, The more things I can create also for Insight Timer. And I would love for you to share my work. You can share with your friends on Insight Timer, But there are also all kinds of buttons to share my work on your social media with others. I really would love for you to do that. And you know, Mouth to mouth advertising is always the best. If you have a premium on Insight Timer, Listen to my courses. If you speak Dutch, It was just a new one released about self gentleness in Dutch. It's called in Dutch, Zagzijn for yourself, Being gentle with yourself. And it's well received and I hope you like it also. And more in the working also in English. Yes. But about that soon, More. Cherry says thank you Femke, Everyone for the nice words and being together. I feel so connected with you all. Yeah, That's true. I also feel that it's way different to do this without you guys. And when you are here, It's like you're always me in the room. And I really love that. Mel says where are you sitting? Your pictures aren't there? Yeah, That's you see, Right? Because I'm still in my studio, But I was tuning the sound even better. And I found that there was still some reflection. It's the technical word for hearing some background of the room. And the things behind me are diffusers. But I bought these. So these are diffusing the sound, Which makes it sound better of the whole studio, Especially because of the recordings on the audio recordings. But they also look kind of cool. So that's why I chose these and not some other dull diffuser. It means the art is gone for now. Maybe they will return at another time. But yeah, This is also kind of arty. You most welcome, Ray. Thank you, Sarah, For all your love. Andora. Thank you so much. Yes. Your gratitude hearts help the algorithm also. Yes, Angela. That's true. Thank you. Yes. Thank you so much. Cherry says super femkem. I felt I was in Tuchinski theater. Yeah, That's beautiful in Amsterdam. Yeah. And it was beautiful with the audience. I was also late but could join immediately in your wonderful guidance and turning with both shadows in both hands on stage. Wonderful feeling. Wow. Thank you for sharing that, Cherry. Really, Really great. Thank you. Yeah, Tuchinski is a beautiful, Beautiful film theater by now in Amsterdam. I love that also. Yeah, It's the best place to go to the movies. Guys, I'm going to close off. I wish you a beautiful weekend with a lot of self gentleness, Radically showing up for yourself. But remember, Radically showing up for yourself is always with gentleness towards yourself. No pushing, No hard effort is necessary. If you like that, You know, Then by all means, Do it. That's also self gentle. Be who you are. I love you all. Thank you so much for being here. Hope to see you Wednesday. And if not, Then next Friday. Thank you so much. Thank you all love and have a great weekend. Bye bye.