Healing Inner Self-Worth Tied To External Achievements

Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of the Healing Maven podcast.

I am your host,

Jamie Sutherland,

Spiritual healer and soul guide,

Helping you awaken and come back home to who you are.

I am so excited about this podcast.

It has been on my own heart for so long as something that I wanted to bring out into the world and I wanted to start by sharing a little bit about my personal healing journey and where it's brought me and who I am today versus who I used to be,

Who I was before and also just what called me to really begin healing because I think so many of us get really caught up in the human experience and the world that we live in,

The reality that we've all sort of co-created and then created this sort of unified belief system and although there is so much within it that obviously we differ through,

But I feel like a lot of the the core fears that are created,

The core beliefs that are created,

Are really a lot of the same core wounds.

So although they might manifest in different ways,

When we really start breaking it down and when we really start removing those layers,

Removing all the pieces of the human experience of our lives so far up to the point wherever you are today,

Whatever age that you are today in this current lifetime,

We really just kind of see that it all boils down to the very same things where we all just truly want to feel love,

To feel like we can love to the full capacity that we have to give,

To feel worthy of receiving and achieving and being and honestly to feel worthy of even just believing.

Believing in ourselves,

Believing that what we want is possible,

Believing that we are worthy of what we want.

So again,

Going back to worthiness,

A lot of these core wounds just really are so similar and I think that that has been one of the most beautiful things because as I have worked with so many beautiful people through this business or just through our own time together,

I've really started to realize no matter what story we are telling,

No matter what story has been that we've created within us from the people that we know,

From the people that we love,

From the people who raised us,

Who've been around us the most,

Who are even around us now,

If we don't have this filter in place of our own inner knowing,

Of our own inner knowledge,

Of our own inner worth,

It can be really hard to separate.

So that's where I feel like there's often this unified belief system that's been created,

Especially around things such as work and career.

You know,

We hear a lot of the same things,

A lot of the same pushes,

And that has been probably one of the biggest pinpoints for me because throughout my entire life,

When I started,

When I got into the workforce,

I always found it really easy to work.

I loved having somewhere to go.

I loved knowing exactly what to do.

I loved working my way up.

I loved having opportunity for growth and managing teams.

And like my very first job was just in a fast food.

I was 14 or 15,

And within a few months,

I had worked my way up to supervisor,

Worked my way up,

Just from applying myself.

And even though I was still in school,

I was only working technically part-time.

I was working so much in the evenings and so much on the weekends and applying myself that I was just showing so much initiative,

And they recognized that within me.

And that is also where I received my first real recognition and value,

Like that feeling of validation from a job well done,

From work well done,

And having it being recognized.

So that is really when my journey with worthiness started to attach itself to my work,

To what I was doing in the world,

To who I was helping,

Was a really small part of it.

It was still a part that I enjoyed,

But I also just knew that it wasn't necessarily the customer that I was going to get recognition from,

If that makes sense.

Like,

Especially with fast food,

Obviously the interactions are often not even,

You know,

It's a couple minutes,

It's 30 seconds,

It's such a small thing.

And the people that you're actually interacting with in that type of job are your co-workers,

Are your bosses,

Are your supervisors.

So I really started to get that attachment to doing a job well done and working really hard.

As I got older,

As that evolved,

I got into other jobs,

Of course.

I started to work my way into different career paths,

Into different opportunities,

And it started to feel like an uphill battle.

You know,

I became a personal trainer,

I went to school,

I got accredited to become a personal trainer,

And I did that for a while.

And I started to realize that to do really well in that job,

In terms of finance,

You had to work very,

Very hard to become known as a trainer.

So not only did you have to be,

Of course,

Very good at your job,

You also had to get your name out there.

And I had never marketed,

I had never advertised,

You know,

At this time I'm now 18,

19,

So still a child for all intents and purposes.

Like,

I'm just barely an adult,

And I want to make something out of my life.

And I loved helping people.

I had the greatest clients that I did,

You know,

Grow to a certain point,

And I worked at a few different gyms and also privately as well,

But it just was a lot of work for still what felt like little reward.

And the balance just fell off.

I moved then into accounting,

And I,

Same thing,

Went to school and got a job.

And now we're talking about a recession-proof job.

So this is a job everyone approved of.

Everyone around me approved of me becoming an accountant and pursuing this line of a career.

And you know,

In this case,

The opportunity to make money was definitely there.

Get a good job with a good firm.

Again,

I was a hard worker.

I never had problem getting a job.

I never had a problem working my way up.

But I sat every day,

And although I didn't mind the work,

I did the same thing every day in my,

You know,

My,

My little windowless office.

And I just,

That's when I started to feel like there has got to be more.

Because at this time,

I'm now early 20s,

You know,

Reaching mid-20s.

I'm just like,

I can't this for the next,

If I'm,

I'm 20,

22 at this point,

And I've got like 40 plus years minimum at doing just this.

It just,

My,

It crushed my heart a little bit.

It crushed my soul.

And I can even feel my throat start to close up because it's like all creativity just completely stifled.

From there,

I went into interior design.

And again,

I went back to school,

Got a diploma,

Got a job,

Worked my way up,

And my creativity had an opportunity to flourish.

And I loved it.

And again,

The consistent thing that I always had,

I had the greatest clients.

I worked for a company,

A design company that was really wonderful.

Had amazing,

Incredible women running it,

Working for it,

Fellow designers.

And they were incredible designers,

Incredible designers.

And oftentimes,

Some of those meetings were just not as great.

But I mean,

What really matters is my clients were always,

Always incredible.

I always had the best clients.

I think there was one,

One client I can think of that comes to mind who was a builder and not an individual client.

And that ended with,

Like,

We didn't get a chance to see the final projects,

Which was too bad because they would have been beautiful.

But every other personal client that I had was just wonderful.

And we got to do amazing things.

And I was essentially the designer that got to take the jobs that were a little bit outside of the design company's comfort zone.

Like,

They were very beautiful,

Natural,

Neutral,

Organic.

And so I would get the clients where they wanted,

Like,

Color and brightness and just,

Like,

They wanted their home to just be this representation of their lives.

And if they were bold people,

That's what I got to bring to the table.

So I also got to have so much fun.

But that was so rewarding to create beautiful spaces for people where they got to walk in and just be amazed that that was their place.

And when I left that job,

I had clients reach out,

Like,

A year later and ask me if I was personally still designing and invited me to come to their home because I never actually got to see their home finished.

So they invited me to come to their home and I got to walk through it with them and see them living in it and just all my designs come to life.

And it was just really,

Really incredible,

Really wonderful.

But it's like every three-ish years I would get this itch.

I would get this itch that was like,

There's something more.

And by the time I got out of design,

I just really wasn't sure where to go because at that point I had been logical.

I had used that rational brain,

You know,

Becoming an accountant.

All figures and numbers,

You know,

Exactly when things balance and when they don't.

And then I had moved into design,

Which was purely creative in so many ways.

So I'm like,

I have used all these sides that I can think of and I just didn't know where to go because I still didn't feel fully fulfilled.

So at that point,

I just felt like looking around.

Well,

I ended up becoming quite depressed and I wasn't really sure why.

Because for all intensive purposes,

You know,

I've been quite successful in pretty much everything that I have done or tried to do,

You know,

In between those big jobs.

I became a certified eyelash technician and I built my own small business where while I was at school,

I paid for rent and paid for food.

I also,

You know,

Had a small like business of my own where I helped others build their own passions and follow their own dreams.

I helped people create systems.

I helped,

Like I've done so many things.

And I think that was the point is I was still so sad,

Still so unfulfilled.

And I started to recognize that maybe it was because I was trying to create my worth and my value from things that were outside of who I am.

And I was trying to define myself by those careers.

You know,

If I could say,

I am an incredible accountant.

I will help you do your books and your taxes so that you feel confident and supported.

Or I am the most talented incredible designer and I will help you design and build the home of your dreams.

And I felt like if I could do those things,

Then I could say this is who I am.

And then that would help me feel happy and confident because then I would know who I was.

So when I still didn't feel like I knew who I was,

It's like I just couldn't,

I had nothing to hold on to.

So there was no value within me.

There was no recognition for my successes because what did they matter if they didn't stick?

Then I got turned on to spirituality.

And I got turned on to energy.

And I started reading.

And I started listening.

And I loved it.

And I started feeling less sad.

I started feeling less disconnected.

And then I started taking courses.

And then I started taking classes.

And then I started deepening.

And since then,

You know,

Now I'm late 20s.

And today I am 33.

So I am now in my 30s.

And I think when I hit 29,

And then when I hit 30,

That's when I really dove in.

That's when I really started my inner healing journey.

And I really started making conscious decisions,

Conscious decisions that I didn't know at the time were going to shift everything,

My entire belief system.

And because of what was going to shift,

I was also going to go through massive emotional breakdowns and deaths and like the awakenings that I have gone through.

And I can see them now,

Now that I'm past them.

And when I think back to when I was in them,

It just felt a lot of the time like I was so deep in the weeds.

And like I was waist deep in water with tall reeds and weeds that were over my head.

And it was foggy and dense.

And I just couldn't see the way.

And all I wanted to do,

All I wanted to do was just break down.

And I wanted to stop like my,

My human mind,

My,

My consciousness was like,

This is hard.

Just stop.

But my heart and my soul,

Which was really quiet still,

But it was like,

No,

No,

You can't.

You're in it now.

And there is no going back.

So take heart and just take the next step.

Just move forward.

Just push one weed aside.

And eventually every time I kept going and the sun would shine through and it would show me the way.

And that's not to say that I wouldn't go through it again or that I will in the future still.

But the time spent in the weeds when I first started,

And I think this is a big,

Actually quite a big thing that is recently starting to be talked about,

At least in my,

My current reality,

What I'm seeing in my little world a little bit more.

But when I,

I think when you're first starting,

What you don't really realize is how deep,

How deep the programming goes,

Like how deep the,

Uh,

You know,

Societal expectations,

Your family,

Familial expectations,

Um,

Ideas and beliefs and thoughts from friends,

Like what is quote-unquote good versus quote-unquote bad.

What is quote-unquote right versus quote-unquote wrong.

How deeply all that programming goes is so intense.

And because when you're first starting,

And if like me,

You did or do a lot of it on your own and you don't have support from somebody who is,

Either has gone through it,

So they are kind of on the other side or,

And they're like already connected,

Already have had some awakenings,

And they can help you.

They can help you.

They can support you.

They can hold you in spaces where you can't hold yourself yet,

Because you really just,

Uh,

You just can't.

Like when you're first starting,

Because you just don't know how,

Because you're not sure,

Because you've never done it before,

And honestly because you have probably relied on the people outside of yourself to do it for you,

And you have trusted them.

And not that that was necessarily wrong,

But if the people that we are learning from are also not connected,

Have also not done the inner healing work,

Or any healing work,

To know who they are and understand that who they are isn't who you are going to be,

And therefore their beliefs,

And their ideas,

And their thoughts,

And their perceptions of the world,

The filter through which they see the world that they've created,

Is not going to be the filter through which you see the world,

And the world that you are going to create.

And that any filter impressed upon you by somebody else really just becomes often a limitation.

Even,

Honestly,

Somebody who is,

Has done the healing work,

Has done a lot of their own inner,

Um,

You know,

Journey to awaken,

To let go,

To embrace,

Like,

The beauty of all that life is,

And the beauty of becoming a co-creator,

Becoming the creator,

Because we are so powerful,

And we we are born knowing that.

But over time,

Like I said,

Because we are raised by people who have become disconnected,

We forget it so easily,

Because we are told something else.

We are told different things than what we were born with,

And because we are told them over,

And over,

And over,

And over,

And over again,

They become our new truths.

And even when somebody has done the healing work,

And is fully healed,

You did not come into this world to see the world through their filter anyways.

So,

Even someone who is fully spiritual,

And connected,

And alive,

And awakened,

And is able to separate themselves,

If they still get caught up in trying to not push their beliefs onto you,

But,

But if in their sharing,

They don't recognize that you first have to learn how to separate yourself.

And that's maybe what I'm trying to get at here,

In a roundabout way,

Is you have to know how to turn them off,

And turn them down,

To turn everything outside of you down,

So that the only thing that is filtering your reality is you,

Is your heart,

Is the voice within you,

Is the source within you,

Is your soul,

Is your inner being.

If you listen or read Abraham Hicks,

Your inner being,

Your guidance.

And I think that that was probably one of the biggest struggles for me,

Was learning to separate myself,

Because I am,

I am an emotional and human design.

I am also a projector.

That means that I feel everything extremely deeply,

Like I was born into the world to fully experience the entire range of human emotion.

And because of this,

I have had past lives with incredible trauma,

Because that trauma helped turn on the emotional capacity with which I was able to bring into this life.

But in this life,

Instead of experiencing,

Because that emotion is already turned on within me,

I'm already tuned in,

Tapped in,

Turned on,

I get to take that in this life and dial up the joy,

Dial up the love,

Dial up the abundance,

Dial up the happiness.

And as a projector,

I see beyond you and what everyone sees.

I can see deeper than any of the,

Or many of the other types,

Many of the other human design types,

If you're unfamiliar,

That's what projector and emotional I'm referring to,

Is my human design.

But because of this,

And not knowing that that was who I was,

Or part of who I was,

Growing up,

I also fought back a lot in terms of like,

I want to say raging against the man.

That's the,

That's the quote that's coming to mind.

Because I was the person who you,

You know,

You gave me a contract,

And if something didn't make sense,

Or I felt like you were kind of taking advantage of somebody wanting a job,

And the terms just,

And not even like un,

Like just unjust,

But to me,

Seemingly illogical,

Where I was like,

It just literally doesn't make sense.

Like there was one contract,

And it was like,

Your paycheck is based on a 35-hour week,

But overtime is based on a 45-hour work week.

And I was like,

So,

Or a 40-hour work week,

And I was like,

Okay,

So every,

You know,

Paycheck,

I have to work an additional five hours in order to even hit overtime.

Like I'm working regular time.

It just was like,

I'm like,

It literally doesn't make sense to me.

Like it's so illogical.

And I fought back.

And every time I had to fight back on things like that,

All the other employees who had just gone along with it were kind of like,

I don't know what you're talking about.

Like,

Yeah,

I guess it's not great,

But.

And the employers would be so aghast.

They'd just be like,

I'm sorry,

Why are you questioning me?

And I was like,

Because it's not right.

And because it doesn't make sense.

And I don't,

I just don't,

I don't get it.

I don't get you wanting to take advantage of good people who just want to help,

Who just want to serve,

Who just want to do a good job for you.

And straight out of the gate,

You're kind of effing with them.

It just didn't feel right.

And I always spoke up,

But I've never ever been like confrontational.

I've always been pretty quiet.

Most people would probably describe me as,

Or like back then as pretty quiet.

And even now,

Like pretty calm.

But now I keep to myself most often because I know how to preserve my energy and I know when to share my energy.

And I didn't know that then.

So I was often giving energy where energy just wasn't ready to be had.

And that's always been something as well that I have had to contend with.

Like I said,

As a projector who can see beyond,

I can see beyond possibilities and I can see beyond limitations.

And if you aren't ready to hear those,

If you're not ready for that insight,

That can cause an ick.

So I definitely had trouble,

You know,

Maintaining friendships because I just wasn't,

Like,

I remember having one friend and her husband,

You know,

I was,

I was just really upset because I was like,

I don't know,

This was before I started any of my own journey.

And I'm like,

I just don't understand.

I don't really get invited to things.

And I'm so nice.

I'm such a kind person and I just don't get it.

And it was so insightful on his part because he just turned,

Or he said,

Like he told my friend who later told me where he's like,

Yeah,

But she doesn't play the games.

Like she's not the person who shows up and is like,

Oh my god,

It's so great and this and that.

Like you're,

She's not fake.

She's real.

She's authentic.

And that's frightening for people who aren't quite there yet,

Or who don't really know how to handle that,

Who don't really know how to take that.

And so I also,

A lot of the time,

When I think about it now,

It's so funny.

I was sometimes,

Although quiet when I did speak,

People would think I was abrasive or,

Like,

Not rude,

But definitely outspoken.

Like I asked questions.

I wanted to know reasons.

I wanted to talk about why you felt a way or why you believed it and not in like a questioning you,

Like,

Why would you think that or why would you believe that,

But in a legit,

Like,

I want to learn.

And the only way for me to learn is to understand your insight,

Is to understand where you're coming from,

Is to understand how you came to these ideas or beliefs about certain things or certain people so that I could maybe learn through you.

But if you're somebody who is not used to thinking through what you're actually sharing,

I can understand now that that would be something that would be,

You know,

A turnoff.

That would be something you'd be like,

Oh,

You're bringing that girl around again.

She just always challenges us and she always questions everything.

Like,

I'm sorry.

Something I've always said is I am not the person who is going to talk to you about the weather.

I want to know what your hopes and your dreams and your fears and,

Like,

I can be pretty intense.

And now that I know where that's come from and I've done so much work to understand why I like to know and why all those things,

I now have even better people skills.

So I know when to,

Like I said,

When to preserve my energy and when to hold it a little bit tighter and when to share it and also how to tell,

You know,

If somebody is ready.

And sometimes that would look like me just asking.

You know,

My brother would come to me and he'd say something about,

You know,

Our dad or our mom and be like,

He's been so hard and I'm struggling so much.

And he would tell me what would happen.

And I would listen to him.

And then I would just ask,

Like,

I'm here for you.

Do you want to know what my thoughts are or do you just need someone to listen to you right now?

So I learned to create that invitation and make sure that the other person was open to or ready for a dish,

Like outside insight,

Outside perspective,

If that's something that they were calling for.

And I was also totally fine if it's something that they weren't and they just needed somebody to listen to.

I was there for that,

Too.

And that was fine because at that point,

I'd learned how to listen without taking on.

And that was big.

I had to create a lot of boundaries when I was first healing around certain topics because I couldn't heal my own beliefs while holding and trying to heal the other people's beliefs.

You know,

Some things are pretty ingrained.

Some things are really deep.

So it can be really hard to be trying to shift your own beliefs,

Your own,

You know,

Your whole inner system,

Your whole system within of what you believe to be true and how worthy you believe that you are.

You're trying to shift this,

But the people outside of you are not.

So they might still be in that place of like,

You know,

Life is really hard and you have to work really hard and money doesn't just come and,

You know,

You have to be worthy by showing the world or showing whoever that you are.

Like,

You have to prove it first.

So when people outside of you are holding that belief and you are trying to shift an inner belief that's saying,

I am worthy just because I exist.

I was born worthy.

I have always been worthy.

The only thing that has ever changed is my belief in that.

The worthiness itself has never been affected.

It's just a fact.

It's just,

It's just what it is.

But it can be hard to change when you try to have conversations or you have to listen to somebody else who is really struggling to think in a different way or to be open to a different perspective.

So there are boundaries there that absolutely need to happen.

And again,

I had to learn that along the way.

There's so many things that I had to learn along the way through my healing journey and even a lot of time through trial and error because I just didn't,

I didn't know and I didn't understand.

The beautiful thing about that is how deeply I learned because I did it on my own.

Because I did so much of the healing through my own connection,

Like creating that on my,

On my,

My own time,

I guess,

My own self.

Like I said,

I read a ton of books.

I read lots of books and I listened to podcasts and I did all of the free,

All of the free learning that I possibly could,

At which I still do.

I still do.

But I didn't start really investing into healing services,

Into healing offers,

Like probably a year or two into my healing journey.

So it's really only been,

Well,

It hasn't been long at all.

Hasn't been long at all.

And I haven't had,

I've been my own healer now for,

For just under a year.

And now I hire for other services.

You know,

I have worked with a human design coach who I love and will probably continue to work with.

I've worked with her a couple of times and that has helped me in so many ways.

I've worked with other spiritual coaches who just help you awaken and deepen into who you are.

So that has been amazing,

But I had to do so much of it on my own because I chose to,

Though,

You know,

I chose to do that on my own.

But I also don't feel like there was a ton and maybe isn't still a ton out there.

There are a ton of spiritual business coaches who are so beautiful,

But there aren't a ton of just like healers who really just help you unlayer,

Who really help you get past all the human layers and programming that you have built,

You know,

Up around your soul,

Up around your heart,

And it's just quiet now.

And so because I did that and that awakened that within me,

That awakened that desire to help bring others home to their hearts,

To help bring you so deeply home to this like place of unconditional self-love and self-worth and self-knowing that you can always just tap back into because it starts to become your natural state.

You know,

At first it was a lot of effort.

It was a lot of effort to shift negative thoughts,

Negative beliefs,

Negative mindsets,

And now it's just my natural default.

So it's the opposite where,

You know,

A lot of us find that we'll have a positive thought come in,

But the other voice is the negative voice that comes in and goes,

Oh,

It's not that great,

Or oh,

No,

I don't think you could do that,

Or I don't know,

Is that really ah,

Nah,

Like the doubtful voice comes in.

Now it's the opposite for me.

If I have a,

You know,

Air quotes negative thought pop up,

I have a air quotes positive voice that comes in and goes,

I don't think that's true for you.

I'm pretty sure you're fine.

I'm pretty sure you're good.

I know that you are so worthy.

Look at you.

You are beautiful on the inside and the outside.

Like,

That is my natural voice now,

And I definitely still have ups and downs because we're meant to,

Because we are human.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience,

And that's literally why we're here is to have that human experience,

And part of that human experience is to experience ups,

Downs,

Highs,

And lows because we're here for the contrast.

We're here for the duality of learning and having different opportunities happen,

Happen,

Be offered so that we can decide what we want as individuals,

So that we can decide as spiritual beings what's the human experience that we desire,

And you might say,

Like,

Yes,

We all desire a lot of the same things.

You know,

We all desire to have financial abundance.

We all desire to have love in abundance.

We all desire to,

I mean,

Those are really the core things I think is to feel happy,

Joyful,

Abundant,

And loving,

Loving,

And loved,

But the way that we want to experience these things is different for every single one of us,

And there might be similarities.

You know,

People,

Everybody may like to travel in some way.

I know people who don't love to travel,

Although sometimes I wonder if that's just because they haven't traveled yet,

And there is a travel experience that's out there for them because this world is just so big,

And there's so many things to do,

So sometimes you just have to get out there,

And a lot of the times I have found when I have spoken with people who have expressed,

And that's just the example coming up,

Who have expressed that they're not big travelers,

And they don't have a massive desire to travel.

Once we start talking and get into conversation,

I,

You know,

We start to uncover that there was a belief that only the rich get to travel,

You know,

Only people who have money and who have wealth are the people who get to experience other places in the world,

Who get to go on vacation with their family,

And get to go on solo vacations,

And couple vacations,

And only wealthy people get to do that,

Because,

You know,

If you weren't wealthy,

And you saw wealthy people as outside of yourself,

And taking away your money,

So you were poor because they were rich,

That's a belief that you may have instilled,

Or the opposite,

If you were wealthy,

And you felt that it had turned you into somebody else,

Or,

You know,

You didn't have loving parents,

Or whatever,

There's always,

I have found in conversation that there's almost always a belief that's in there,

That's like,

Oh,

I'm not gonna like that thing,

It's just not for me,

And then you actually start to talk about it,

And you realize that the reason that they don't think that they like that thing,

Especially if they haven't experienced it,

That's always a flag for me,

Personally,

Is if you are saying that you don't like something,

And you are adamant about it,

And you haven't experienced it yet,

That's a belief,

There's a belief somewhere hidden within that's telling you that you are not worthy of it,

Or deserving of it,

For some reason or another,

As just a fun little side note.

Anyways,

This episode has gotten a little bit long,

So I hope that you gleaned so many wonderful things,

And got to know me a little bit better,

Got to know a little bit more about my journey,

And just what has led me here.

I know we are going to have so many more amazing conversations on this podcast,

And I am so excited to hear your thoughts,

And get to know you,

And just connect.

So,

If you enjoyed today's episode,

Please,

Please feel free to like,

Comment,

And subscribe,

Screenshot,

And share to any of your favorite social media platforms,

Let them know that I am out there now,

And I am going to be just offering you guys so much love,

So much insight,

All around spirituality,

Energetics,

Emotional intelligence,

Emotional alchemy,

Inner awakening,

Soul awakening,

All things fun,

And hard,

And wonderful,

And challenging around these topics.

So,

Thank you so much for listening,

And until next time,

Have a beautiful,

Beautiful day.