So,
We have been exploring communication and the five criteria that the Buddha offered as kind of a reference point for communicating wisely.
And my friend and colleague,
Lily,
Who has been offering the complementary teachings of non-violent communication on Thursdays,
As kind of a companion to this exploration,
It's been very helpful.
Hope it's been helpful for you as well.
The Buddha's teachings on wise communication and this branch of humanistic psychology,
I find is a really beautiful pairing.
So,
Today we're considering the question,
Is what I'm about to say beneficial?
And this can be very subjective,
This question.
That's why fleshing it out with the other criteria of wise speech is helpful.
You know,
We might think that what we're about to say will have a really good impact.
But if the timing is wrong,
Or if it won't bring us together,
Or if it's not true,
Then we need to look again.
Is it helpful to have this conversation?
There are certainly times when we feel that we need to speak what's true.
And sometimes we feel like it's right now.
It's right now.
It's the only time to say it is now.
And maybe we've been waiting a long time,
Or there isn't any other time.
You know,
We might say what we want to,
Like say our thoughts in a kind and gentle way,
But if the person that we're speaking to is not capable of hearing it,
It won't register.
And they can't take it in.
Like no matter how much we think it's true,
And that we must talk about it,
If the person is not capable of hearing it,
If the person is shut down or not receptive at all,
It can be exhausting.
When we keep on trying to explain or make ourselves heard,
It's almost like a waste of energy and can be kind of harmful to us.
So instead of exhausting ourselves by insisting to say what we have to say because it's true,
Because we're struggling,
And we're trying to solve a problem and make things better,
If it's not going anywhere,
If there's no benefit from saying it,
Why tire ourselves out?
And you know,
Sometimes it's not beneficial because there will be consequences.
There will be retribution.
If you say something,
There will be anger or upset.
We know sometimes that if we bring something up to another,
It will come back to us and make things worse.
Oftentimes,
People are too guarded and defensive to lower their guard,
And they're not going to allow any kind of truthful conversation to happen.
They'll just shut down.
They'll avoid and deny,
And that is really painful for us because our intention may be to connect and to be close to this person,
And that it's possible,
But it's not going to be the way that we envision it.
We have to let go of our perceived outcome and meet them in a very different way.
If our communication won't be of benefit,
Okay,
Let's love them anyway,
The best way that we can,
Right?
So for me,
Growing up with alcoholic parents and an alcoholic mother,
My strategies,
As Lily has kind of pointed to,
My strategies were kind of in the realm of codependency,
Trying to figure out ways of communicating.
But as I came to practice,
And as I was also in a therapeutic process and practicing diligently with these Buddhist teachings,
I had more opportunity to practice these five criteria of speech.
You know,
And I could say what was true,
That the alcohol was killing her,
And I could say it with so much kindness,
So much care,
So much love,
And my intention was simply to bring us together.
And the timing,
It could have been right,
But she couldn't hear it.
She couldn't hear it from me,
And the alcohol eventually killed her.
My words had no benefit.
They only caused pain to myself because she couldn't hear them and wouldn't change.
And if anything,
I think by bringing it up,
My words unintentionally shamed her.
That wasn't the point.
So the word benefit here is really significant.
How do we know what's beneficial?
Does it have a purpose?
I think asking ourselves,
What is the purpose for saying what I'm going to say?
What is the purpose?
And there can be multiple layers of purpose in what we're saying.
It could be to relieve some pain within yourself.
That's the purpose of what you're about to say.
So there's all these layers of purpose,
And sometimes the purpose for saying something is not really wise.
And to understand for yourself,
Like understand yourself well enough to understand that.
When we speak purposely,
Like with purpose,
We're starting to connect our speech with our practice.
What is this about?
One of the ways to work with speech that I find that I'm continually working with is not to come across in speaking too assertively.
Like I know what's going on.
And this has been an ongoing practice for me.
It's a habit.
It's a habit to speak assertively.
At times,
It's a habit to speak with aggression,
Like I'm some sort of authority.
And it really has a lot to do with wanting control,
Grasping for control.
So if the purpose of our speaking is for control,
To get control of a situation,
Getting what we want,
That has a very,
Very different spin than the purpose of understanding.
If our purpose is understanding,
Then the tone of our speaking,
It's almost like,
It's almost innocent,
Really.
Like an innocent question.
It's more about discovery,
Right?
Like asking,
What is this like for you?
What's going on for you?
And,
You know,
As we start to unpack and learn what's going on for another,
Then,
Then maybe we learn what may be beneficial.
It's beneficial to get to know the person who you're speaking to better and learn what's going on about them.
Slowly,
We fill in the picture with all the missing pieces of what's happening for that person.
And once we understand that person better,
Then we can have a better sense of beneficial ways of communicating with them.
And as we know more,
Then we can offer love and appreciation and empathy for how they are.
And I found that only then can it be beneficial to speak and find a way into a difficult conversation.
If it's possible,
Even.
So this week,
As we go about our day this day,
You might just keep this guideline in mind.
You know,
Is it beneficial?
What is the purpose for what I'm about to say?
Is it for myself or is it for others?
And we might consider this before or after speaking,
You know.
You might look for a time when you know you're about to say something.
When you're about to have a conversation with somebody and then consider,
Is this of benefit?
What is beneficial for us?
What is beneficial for the other person?
And is the purpose of this conversation beneficial?
Is how I'm approaching the conversation beneficial?
It may seem like a lot to drop these questions in,
But by dropping a question in,
We're pausing.
And we're checking out,
This is mindfulness practice that we're doing.
Awareness practice.
What is the purpose?
So I thank you for your attention and I welcome your questions.
