Wise Communication: Beneficial

So we're exploring the five criteria that the Buddha offered as a reference point for communicating wisely.

And I've posed this criteria as questions that we can ask ourselves before we talk with other people.

And just to review from last week,

You know,

Is what I'm about to say true?

This is the first.

Is it timely?

Is this the right time to say it?

Is it kind?

Can I deliver the truth in a way that is easy to hear?

And today we'll consider the question,

Is what I'm about to say,

Will it be of benefit?

When we are talking about,

Or we're about to speak,

Or when we're speaking,

Does what we have to share have a good impact?

Is it beneficial?

Is it helpful to have this conversation?

There are certainly times when we feel that we need to speak what is true.

Sometimes we feel it is the only time to say this thing,

Like we have this opportunity,

And maybe we've been waiting a long time,

Or there isn't any other time.

So we might say our thoughts in a kind and gentle way,

But the person we're speaking to is not capable of hearing this,

Or registering it,

Or taking it in.

And no matter how much we think it's true,

And that it must be talked about,

The person is not capable of hearing it.

The person is shut down.

The person is not receptive at all.

And it can be exhausting when we keep trying to explain or make ourselves heard.

This can be a waste of our energy and harmful to us.

So rather than exhausting ourselves by insisting we have to say it because it's true,

Because we're struggling,

And we're trying to solve a problem and make things better.

If it's not going to go anywhere,

If there's no benefit for saying what we want to say,

Why tire ourselves out?

Sometimes it's not beneficial because there will be retribution.

The person will be angry or upset.

We know if we bring something up it will come back to us and it will make things worse.

And some people are too guarded and defensive to lower their guard.

They're not going to allow any kind of valuable or truthful conversation to happen.

They will just shut down and avoid and deny.

And that's painful for us because I think on some level our intention may be to be connected and close to this person.

And maybe that's possible but it's not going to look the way that we envision it.

You know,

We have to let go of our perceived outcome and meet them in a very different way.

If our communication won't be of benefit,

Okay,

Then how is it?

Let us love them anyway,

The best way that we can.

That's kind of a way of flipping it.

I had a situation like this over the weekend.

My husband's uncle,

Who is like a father to him,

Has been visiting and he has slowed way,

Way down.

And the trajectory is not going towards mobility and vitality,

No matter how much he and his aunt may wish for it.

And he's so frustrated and fearful in my perception.

This is my perception.

And he has no spiritual practice to speak of.

So what I've witnessed is that his wife is the target of his fear and anger and of his loss of mobility.

And if something happens,

Which it did,

The sprinklers turned on when he was walking towards the door of his Airbnb and he couldn't move fast enough to get there.

So what he did is he yelled at his wife,

If you would have gotten us home earlier,

This wouldn't have happened.

This is the way he yelled at her,

This blame.

And this blame,

I observed in this four days with them,

It seems like a pretty regular way of communicating in their dialogue.

And she just takes it.

So I'm looking at this,

You know,

Observing what's happening within this criteria of speaking,

You know,

With this situation,

Because it's uncomfortable.

It's uncomfortable for me to hear.

It's uncomfortable for my husband to hear.

And I could,

I could say to him,

You know,

What's true,

That it's not her fault.

I could probably say it with some love and maybe even a little bit of levity.

I find that humor is often a great way to to lighten things up.

I could wait until there was an opening,

But is it beneficial?

You know,

They've been married for 60 plus years and they have been dancing in this habit pattern that I have nothing to do with.

And even though it's hard to hear,

My thoughts on kind speech would not be welcome.

They would not be of benefit.

So the word benefit here is really significant.

You know,

How do we know what's beneficial?

Does it have a purpose?

Ask yourself,

You know,

What purpose am I saying what I'm going to say?

What is the purpose?

And there can be multi layers in what we say.

You know,

If somebody asks you for directions on the street,

You could say the purpose of responding was to give them directions.

But there might be a deeper layer there where we really want to impress them with what we know about the directions.

Or our purpose may be that we never get it wrong.

We always know the directions.

So there are all these layers of purpose underneath what we're about to say.

Sometimes the purpose for saying something is not really wise.

And to really understand yourself well and under like well enough to understand that,

That what I'm about to say is more about me than about the situation.

Like understanding that it's really helpful.

When we speak purposefully,

We also we start to really connect our speech with our practice,

It becomes this practice of seeing what is what am I trying to get here?

What is the purpose of my my speaking?

Another way to work with wise speech is not to come on too assertively.

You know,

Don't begin speaking by being assertive or aggressive.

You know,

Maybe begin with a simple question that's trying to understand what's going on in a bigger way.

Like what's happening?

What's happening with you?

What's happening when when you did this thing or when that happened to you?

Don't immediately start with an assertion,

You know,

As if we know what's going on.

And just ask simple,

Almost innocent questions to kind of discover more.

Like yesterday was hard.

What was that like for you?

What's going on for you?

How was that for you?

And as we start to unpack and learn what's going on,

Then we might learn well,

Then we might learn what's beneficial in the conversation.

It's beneficial to get to know the person better and to learn what's going on.

Kind of slowly fill in the picture with all the missing pieces.

So we understand what's happening to that person.

And once we understand the person better,

Then we can have a better sense of a beneficial way of communicating with them.

As we know more,

We can offer them love and appreciation,

Empathy for how they are.

Only then can it be beneficial to speak and find a way to ease into difficult conversations,

If that's possible.

So this week,

As you go about your day,

You might keep this guideline in mind.

Is it beneficial?

You might consider this before and after you speak.

You might look for a time when you know you're going to say something or when you're about to have a conversation with somebody and consider what is the benefit.

What is beneficial for both of us?

Is the purpose of this conversation?

What is driving the purpose?

How can I approach this beneficially?

So asking these questions before and after conversation.

So thank you for your consideration.