MJ10 - 38 Blessings - Effective Communication (11 of 39)

Last time you saw me,

We looked at a blessing number nine,

Self-discipline.

With the Dharma talk today,

We will continue our series on enlightened living with the blessing number 10,

Effective communication.

I should point out from the start that this blessing of the enlightened living series has some overlap with endearing or artful speech,

Which I've already spoken of as part of the four bases of sympathy back in session I called A016.

And as today's lecture is supposed to delve deeper into the Buddhist roots of the knowledge,

Although there is some overlap of content,

Today I've added some more work and scriptural examples as well as some discussion of the special cases where particular care needs to be taken in high stakes conversations.

Some people might think the words coming out of our mouths are relatively unimportant compared with the applied skills we use to earn an honest living,

The ones that I've already detailed in the recent blessings of this grouping.

However,

When it comes to making oneself useful to society,

One cannot avoid effective communication for team building and for passing one's knowledge on to others.

For since Buddhism has no history of coercing people to convert,

It's only due to making a persuasive case that Buddhist teachings have managed to be passed down across the generations for 2,

500 years and continue to inspire people in the present day.

Not everyone wants to hear the truth about their existence.

It may be hard or inconvenient to listen to.

However,

If the words conveying the truth are both eloquent and inspiring,

They would be worth hearing.

If those words are also useful to a person,

Then apart from being worth hearing and believing,

They would also be worthy of reverence.

So you could say that Buddhism has an uncommonly deep standard in the message it conveys.

So today,

Ironically,

Will be a talk about talking.

It's said that although there are many ways to slip up in our lives,

Whether it be harming others or compromising their wealth,

By far the easiest way to make bad karma for oneself is by careless slips of the tongue.

This is why a traditional Thai expression reminds us we are born with two of most things,

Two eyes,

Two nostrils,

Two ears.

But why should it be that we only have one mouth,

Especially as we have to use our mouth for two things,

Speaking and eating?

The traditional reason is because we are not supposed to talk too much,

Especially when we are eating.

To be sure,

Most people don't put much thought into the things they say,

Often assuming the words are trivial and lack the power to harm anyone.

But on the contrary,

Nothing has the potential to undermine a person's morale more than a few badly spoken words.

Supposing someone needs encouragement after a week-long series of irritations,

And the best you can come up with is an insensitive remark,

Your words can be the final straw that drives them to despair.

Also don't forget that once words come out of your mouth,

You can't take them back again.

And this is even clearer if you write a message,

Text it,

Or post it in a public place on the internet.

Fortunately,

In Buddhism,

We are lucky to have quite precise advice about what to say and what to avoid saying.

From our study of self-discipline in Blessing 9,

We already know to avoid different sorts of unwholesome speech described in the tenfold path of wholesomeness,

Or Kusala Tama Patha,

Which go beyond lying to enumerate no less than four different sorts of unwholesome speech which should be avoided,

Namely,

Telling lies,

Divisive speech,

Harsh speech,

And idle chatter.

Telling lies means saying or writing words that are untrue in order to take advantage of someone else.

As this subject has already been dealt with in Blessing 9,

I won't elaborate further today.

Divisive speech or malicious gossip is designed to sow the seeds of mistrust between one person and another,

To damage a friendship,

For example.

Idle chatter is speaking purposelessly just to pass the time.

Harsh speech includes swearing or insulting others to the degree that it upsets them.

You might think,

Citing the saying,

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But words will never hurt me,

That Buddhists shouldn't take insults very seriously.

Unfortunately though,

In the Buddhist scriptures of the Anguttara Nikaya,

There are quite a long list of the negative karmic outcomes of insulting those who have already attained the stages of Buddhist sainthood,

Many of which are much worse than broken bones.

The karma of having insulted a person of virtue will impede the foul-mouthed person's ability to attain enlightenment.

Any previous mental attainments they had will be lost.

Their understanding of the ultimate truth will become clouded,

Although they will delude themselves into thinking they have already reached enlightenment.

If they are monks,

They will lose the will to stay in the monkhood,

And if they stay,

They will commit monastic transgressions.

They will be struck down by grave illness,

Madness,

Or mental distraction.

Finally,

They will be more likely to commit mortal blunders and will be reborn in the unfortunate realms.

This is why,

Whether your anger is directed at a monk or not,

As a rule,

It's better not to be the sort of person who goes looking for fault in others.

Although,

As we shall see later,

Criticism of others out of compassion is good,

But insulting people as a way to criticize others is not.

Always try to look for the good in others.

Although you might notice the weaknesses in others,

Just take a mental note,

But you don't need to use them as the subject of conversation.

If you're already immersed in the good side of others,

Even if you try to think of unwholesome things,

You'll be unable to.

You won't be tempted to find fault with another person to the degree it will end up as an insult match.

Most people think they have good reasons for everything they do.

However,

When it comes to what they say,

Many find that they just chatter about the first thing that comes into their head.

If people do have a governing principle about things they say,

Then usually it's just to say the things that others want to hear.

The trouble with such a principle is that people will always say the easiest thing,

And they'll admit to say the things that need to be said.

If politicians,

For example,

Just say the most popular thing,

Then the whole country will stagnate instead of them rocking the boat to initiate change for the better.

For people who speak without due consideration,

The more they say,

The more trouble they create.

Especially for locations people,

When given enough rope to hang themselves by,

They often won't need a rope at all,

Because they can talk themselves into an early downfall.

As soon as they have said all that is beneficial and necessary,

But they still keep talking,

The next things that come out of their mouth will be all the gossip,

Slander,

Abuse,

Chatter,

And lies that will come back to haunt them.

This is particularly the case if what a person says is being scrutinized by a lawyer or a journalist.

And this is why to minimize later problems,

It's often best to keep what you have to say to a minimum.

But we warned if you refuse to speak at all,

Then no one will understand you,

And they will put words in your mouth.

This is why we all have to say something,

But for our own benefit,

We should clearly understand the nature of speech and the principles of effective communication,

So that we can confidently select the most effective things to say while keeping the rest to ourselves.

It's just like a fish which can have a long life relying on its mouth to feed.

However,

Because of the self-same mouth and its greed for bait,

It can swallow the hook which will bring its life to an end.

This is why it's said that a fish will live or die because of its mouth.

In the same way,

If we use our mouth for effective communication,

It can bring us success and prosperity in life,

While not letting unwholesome speech pass our lips can prevent our downfall.

Here's a true historical example of a condemned man who said too much.

In 1825,

A new Tsar,

Nicholas I,

Ascended to the throne of Russia.

The rebellion immediately broke out,

Led by liberals,

Demanding the country modernize its industries and civil structures to catch up with the rest of Europe.

Nicholas I brutally crushed the so-called December's uprising and sent one of its leaders,

Kondraty Rai-Leyev,

To death.

On the day of his execution,

Rai-Leyev stood on the gallows,

The noose around his neck,

And the trapdoor opened.

But as Rai-Leyev dangled,

The rope broke,

Tumbling him to the ground unharmed.

At the time,

Such events were considered signs of providence or heavenly will,

And a man saved from his execution in this way would usually be pardoned.

As Rai-Leyev got to his feet,

Bruised and dirtied,

But believed his neck had been saved,

He called out to the crowd,

You see,

In Russia,

They don't know how to do anything properly,

Not even how to make a rope.

A messenger was immediately sent to the Winter Palace with news of the failed hanging.

Vexed by this disappointing turnaround,

Nicholas I nevertheless began to sign the pardon.

But then he asked whether Rai-Leyev had said anything after this miracle.

The messenger informed the Tsar that the prisoner had said Russia doesn't even know how to make a rope.

In that case,

Said the Tsar,

Let us prove the contrary.

And he tore up the pardon.

The next day,

Rai-Leyev was hanged again,

But this time the rope didn't break.

The moral of the story is that you need to be particularly careful with sarcasm.

The momentary satisfaction you gain with biting words will later be outweighed by the fallout that comes back to haunt you.

So now we've looked at all the things that we should avoid saying,

It's time to start looking at some of the things that are worth saying.

In other words,

Effective communication.

Effective communication means speech or its written equivalents that has been carefully weighed up in the mind before it's allowed to pass our lips.

It is not only speech that is better than nothing,

It is speech that has passed strict criteria.

It must be good from every viewpoint,

So good that it is beyond reproach.

The reason we need to be careful with our speech is that however good our intentions,

If we say something in the wrong way,

We can still upset the listener who cannot discern our intentions.

All they can pick up is the words by which we express those intentions.

In any message a person communicates,

We can differentiate three major components.

Intention,

Chosen words and the occasion.

By intention behind the words,

The important thing is whether the intentions behind what someone's saying are based on greed,

Hatred or delusion.

Any such motives betray an unwholesome ulterior motive.

Good speech,

By contrast,

Must come from a place of compassion.

The second component is the sort of words chosen,

Whether they are true or untrue,

Whether they are polite or rude,

And whether they are useful or superfluous.

This is why you can classify the spoken word with the criterion that the word should be true,

Polite and useful.

Lastly,

Consideration needs to be given to the occasion chosen to say the words.

An effective message would need to be at the appropriate time and place that it needs to be heard.

So applying these components of speech to effective communication,

We find that there are five tick boxes for a wholesome speech.

If speech is truly good,

It must tick all five boxes.

It is not like a one star hotel,

Which is better than a hotel with no stars.

If we are truly principled in the things we say,

Then every word we say must be five star.

If it's any less,

Then we should not let it pass our lips.

Firstly,

Effective communication must always be based on the intention of compassion.

If the intention behind our speech is not compassion for the hearer,

Then those words are better left unsaid.

Think,

For example,

The sort of things you say when you're angry with someone,

And you will see that if you're angry,

It's better to bite your lip.

Secondly,

In terms of the sort of words spoken,

Effective communication must always be true.

Suppose you want to motivate someone to do something good in their life,

But you have to flatter them or tell them white lies to do it.

Then it's no longer effective speech.

Some people try to win the heart of a sulky child by saying,

Here comes my most precious little boy in the world.

This could not yet be counted as effective speech,

Since it is no more than words to fool children.

Same thing even goes for telling white lies to fool people into doing beneficial things,

Or the meaningless words exchanged between people in love.

In this connection,

I'm not sure whether telling people everything is fine when they're dying of cancer to make them feel better,

Or preventing a stampede by telling passengers they are passing through air turbulence when the plane is taking a fatal nosedive,

Would be considered effective speech.

Thirdly,

In terms of the sort of words spoken,

Effective communication must always be polite.

Marketplace banter would normally be considered beneath a person working on themselves through the 38 blessings.

Though I'll talk about some of the exceptions where a more direct message is necessary later.

A fourth criterion in terms of the sort of words spoken is that effective communication must always be useful to the hearer.

It should not be something said just to fill embarrassing gaps in the conversation.

Anything said ought to leave the minds of both speaker and listener feeling uplifted,

Both for this lifetime and for the next.

And this is why moaning on a subject of shared concern,

Passing on celebrity gossip,

Or repeating something the listener has already heard a hundred times already,

Would not be considered beneficial speech.

Lastly,

In terms of the occasion chosen to say them,

Effective communication must be at the appropriate time and occasion.

Even if you say the right thing,

But you choose bad timing,

Then you cannot consider it effective speech.

You might need to give a colleague some criticism,

But if you do it in front of all the co-workers,

It will cause that person unnecessary shame.

If you need to pass bad news on to your line manager,

You'd better consider what mood they're in when you deliver it,

Otherwise they might shoot the messenger.

To come back to the example of what we ought to be saying to,

Let's say,

Our children,

If we're going to avoid telling white lies,

We need to consider the praise that makes for a more sustainable motivational boost for the children.

There have been several studies which found that feedback from teachers to students often conveys messages that affect the students' opinions of themselves,

And how capable or incapable they are of academic achievement.

Certain types of praise can do more harm than good to a child's independence.

Learning drives self-confidence and resilience.

Stanford University researchers identified two core mindsets people have about themselves which will affect how the approach challenges.

Firstly,

There is the fixed mindset,

Which is the belief that one's abilities are carved in stone and predetermined at birth.

The second possibility is the growth mindset,

Which is the belief that one's skills and qualities can be cultivated through effort and perseverance.

People with a fixed mindset tend to ignore feedback,

Give up easily,

And measure success by comparing themselves to others.

By contrast,

Those with a growth mindset are more likely to embrace challenges and compare themselves now with how they used to be.

By praising the process,

For example saying,

I love how you were very thoughtful about the colors you chose and not the outcome,

For example saying,

The colors in your drawing are so beautiful,

You've got a good eye.

So process,

Not outcome,

Is what helps children develop a growth mindset.

Similarly,

When parents praise the outcome,

It holds kids back from developing resilience,

Confidence,

And a desire to learn new things.

The goal is to support your children's learning strategies and to show them how those strategies can lead to success.

Imagine two kids on a track team.

The first kid is a passionate runner,

While the second is less athletic.

The kid who loves running exerts minimal effort in practice and still wins first place at almost every track meet.

The second kid,

By contrast,

Pushes themselves but is discouraged by the fact that they haven't had a win.

To praise the process,

The parent of the natural runner should acknowledge their skill without providing excessive celebration or praise.

This will help them to feel supported without suggesting that their innate ability is the primary factor in determining their success.

The parents of the less athletic child should praise them for their hard work and perseverance.

This helps them maintain their self-esteem and stay motivated to succeed.

To further support a child's development of a growth mindset,

You also need to move your sole focus away from their accomplishments and steer the same level of attention towards their imperfections.

Encourage the child to recognize,

Accept,

And overcome their weaknesses.

This way,

The child can come to understand that abilities and skills are not limited and that they can be cultivated and that doing so can be a fruitful and wonderful experience.

Children who value learning and effort will find it easier to sustain a commitment to their goals.

They will not be afraid to work hard and they will not be fazed by setbacks when they come across these when working on meaningful tasks.

So proper process-based praise will therefore serve them better in life.

There is some time for a quick story and concerning ill-chosen speech,

One of the previous birth stories of the Buddha or Jataka tales,

Tells the story of Nanti Visala,

Who was an ox,

Who was commanded to pull a hundred carts single-handedly for a wager.

It was one of the Buddhist stories that you might also recognize from Aesop's fables.

So the story goes that the young ox called Nanti Visala was endowed with miraculous strength from an early age.

The ox's owner roped together 100 carts into a train to see if Nanti Visala could pull them all.

When he found that the ox could pull so many carts,

He wagered an unbelieving millionaire that he could demonstrate such a feat again.

However,

When it came to the time to prove the bet,

The owner commanded his ox with the words,

Go ahead and pull the cart,

Ox.

Because the ox didn't like the way it was spoken to,

It suddenly refused to budge,

Because even oxen have feelings.

Consequently,

The owner lost his bet.

Later,

However,

To cut a long story short,

The owner made a second bet,

Spoke politely to the ox,

And was able to win back his money.

So to return to our subject matter for today,

We now turn to consider some possible departures from our five-star rule for certain high-stakes conversations to do with criticism and talking people out of depression.

In situations where there must be certain standards of quality,

Where we can't afford to tolerate sloppy practices,

Ideally we would wait for the right opportunity to offer criticism.

But if such an opportunity doesn't present itself,

We'll end up having to create the opportunity.

In such a situation,

Apart from keeping to all the five-star criteria for speech already mentioned,

There are two extra considerations which you should bear in mind to help our criticism make a difference for the better.

You might consider the extra criticism as the equivalent of the extra two stars at Dubai's Burj Al Arabi hotel above and beyond your usual luxury five-star hotel.

So what are the extra two stars?

As we shall see,

They comprise praising before and smiling while giving criticism.

You need to bear in mind that any piece of criticisms may need to be diluted with two pieces of genuine praise to balance out the good feeling lost as a result of the criticism.

This makes use of what in management is called the sandwich method of criticism.

The sandwich method is a form of feedback that wraps negative feedback in praise.

This means that feedback discussion starts with positive comments,

Is followed by negative feedback,

Before appreciative words are used again.

For example,

You might mention from the start your project was very well structured and thought out.

However,

There were some topics missing from the presentation that we had discussed at the last meeting.

Nevertheless,

Your presentation was very successful and you certainly noticed yourself that some of the topics were missing and you worked them in afterwards.

Aside from sandwiching,

Don't forget that others have feelings and even if someone has made a lot of faults you shouldn't criticize them for any more than two faults per day.

Otherwise,

You might have a resignation on your hands.

Secondly,

Don't forget your body language.

Often the listener will react more strongly to your demeanor than to what you are trying to say.

If you try to make sure you smile when you're giving someone criticism rather than shouting at them out of anger,

It will reassure them that they don't need to take the criticism personally.

Negative feedback with a smile gives the message that I still like you but I don't like what you've done and makes it clear that you're not criticizing them as a random way to vent your anger after a bad day.

So,

If you find that criticism delivered to others is proving ineffective or is making them angry,

Although anger might just be the normal response of a person calling them out on their shoddiness,

To make sure that the fault doesn't lie with you,

You might try checking the words you've said using the seven-star standard of effective speech,

Especially adapted to the feedback situation.

In most situations,

You would try to observe the five-star speech rule so as not to hurt others and to keep in touch with their expectations.

Exceptional situations,

However,

Just like accessories sometimes need to contrast to make an outfit stand out,

One's words may occasionally need to be used to disrupt the expectations of the listener.

Usually,

It is good to speak in a way that's polite,

But sometimes five-star language fails to be effective.

It's not as if you should speak in the most polite possible way to everyone you meet.

Some people cannot stand listening to flowery language and may even criticize you because of it.

They think clear enunciation is affected.

In such cases,

You might need to moderate the tone of the language you use.

The sort of people for whom more direct speech may be appropriate would include arrogant,

Complacent people,

Or those who are wallowing in self-pity.

Those who are arrogant will tend to look down their nose at anyone who tries to offer advice,

Not just you.

Consequently,

They may need to hear something more disruptive and direct in order to change themselves for the better.

For those who look down on you personally,

It is sometimes better to delegate the advice to be given to them instead by someone they look up to,

Whose advice they accept more readily.

Lastly,

For those who are wallowing in self-pity,

And this is not the same as depression because it tends to be people who are just believing the world is against them and they're the victim and they can't get a break and they never get the promotion they deserve or someone else has ruined their entire life.

Generally,

The fact they are whining about all their woes to you uninvited means that it is self-pity rather than depression.

For those wallowing in self-pity,

Flowery words are definitely going to be the equivalent of casting your pearls before swine,

To quote a biblical expression,

And what they need to hear is a more direct appeal to snap out of it.

After talking for many years in my lectures about what to say and what not to say,

Lately I have started to realize that even if you distinguish between self-pity and depression,

The subject is more complex than just telling a sufferer to snap out of it.

The same goes for a lot of self-help platitudes that might be acceptable in other,

Less critical situations.

Since depression,

Unlike self-pity,

Involves an unwanted and unchosen barrage of negative,

Destructive thoughts and emotions,

It means that it's very hard for a depressed person to engage with others or anything outside their own head.

Whatever your experiences with your own mental health,

It's very challenging to find the perfect thing to say when someone you care about is struggling with depression.

Often it's easier to figure out what not to say.

Someone who is depressed will likely feel ashamed and mistakenly believe that they should be able to overcome the depression by willpower alone.

Unfortunately,

Ill-chosen words can contribute to these feelings of shame,

Driving that person deeper into their depression.

When someone is depressed,

They aren't themselves in the way they think,

Feel,

And act.

And this means that every word you say to them really counts.

Assuming you want to help that person,

It's natural to feel that you're walking on eggshells to avoid saying the wrong thing.

Some responses you blurt out instinctively end up being unhelpful,

Factually incorrect,

Or shame-inducing.

Carefully chosen actions and words can help express your support and compassion,

Though.

Depression is a,

Or more,

Mental health diagnosis.

It isn't a personal choice or something you can turn off or on at will.

Depression isn't about willpower or motivation to feel better.

And this is why it may not just go away with encouraging words or motivational pep talk.

Finding the right thing to say to those with depression can therefore be considered both challenging and also high stakes.

So to start with,

There are some things that you should not say to a depressed person.

Saying,

You always seem happy,

You don't seem depressed,

Is problematic because depression doesn't always look a certain way.

It manifests differently from person to person.

When you say something that conveys disbelief in the other person's evaluation of themselves,

You could inadvertently trigger them to start thinking,

Well,

If I don't look depressed,

Then maybe I'm not really struggling,

Or am I overreacting,

Or am I a crazy person?

Especially when there is such a stigma attached to mental illness.

Those feelings of doubt will make them even more reluctant to seek treatment.

Similarly,

Saying happiness is a choice or it's all in your head.

Exactly the sort of motivational advice which you can probably find all over Tumblr or its modern-day equivalents is problematic because people don't choose to be depressed.

It's not okay to blame a person's disorder on the victim.

Someone going through depression will not feel that they can simply snap out of it.

You wouldn't tell a person to snap out of depression any more than you'd tell a person to snap out of diabetes,

Cancer,

Or a broken leg.

Implying that depression is just a passing phase with platitudes like just let it go or time heals all wounds would be classified as toxic positivity.

Such comments will only serve to exacerbate the feelings of guilt and shame they are already commenting on a day-to-day basis.

You might think there is nothing wrong with saying stay strong or things will get better.

However,

If this is all you say,

The listener will wonder if you really took them seriously at all.

Saying everyone gets a little down sometimes is problematic because it normalizes depression to the point of dilution.

So while there may be some truth in this observation,

It also tends to dismiss their feelings.

If someone is constantly told that the way they're feeling is normal,

They're much less likely to seek the treatment they need.

Although it's worth commenting that someone's depression is nothing to be ashamed of,

Making them feel like they're overreacting may make the situation worse.

Saying you're acting selfish is problematic because a person dealing with clinical depression is likely to have a hard time keeping up with their own personal life.

It's not because they are selfish,

It's because they're not well.

They may not have the capacity to be or do everything that someone else wants from them.

People with depression may be aware that they're not acting as usual or that it's difficult for them to socialize or complete some tasks.

But this isn't out of choice.

Generally,

They're already doing the best they can with the resources that they have at hand.

Saying,

But look at how great your life is,

Or it can't be that bad,

Or it could be worse,

Or you think that you have it bad,

Is problematic because any comparisons don't help a depressed person.

Any comparison serves to dismiss someone's daily life experiences and makes them question whether they deserve to feel depressed,

Which is a faulty way of thinking about mental health.

Saying,

Just try eating better and exercising,

Is problematic because it's true that exercise can help to manage depression,

But it's not a standalone treatment plan.

It's condescending to imply that all someone needs to do is go to the gym to cure a serious mental illness,

Especially if they are struggling with their body image on top of their depression.

There are no doubt times when healthy lifestyle changes would have a positive impact on someone's mental health,

But those are comments that they would hear more easily from a professional.

A more subtle approach might be cooking your depressed friend a healthy meal and asking them to join you on a walk.

Saying,

Oh everyone is going through something,

Is problematic because there are many potential causes of depression that go beyond a stressful life event.

Underlying factors may include chemical imbalances in the brain,

Side effects of medications,

Unresolved grief,

Trauma,

Abuse or physical conditions.

Depression is not simply being sad sometimes.

It significantly impacts a person's ability to function and interact in life.

Telling someone just to get over it lacks empathy and understanding of what depression diagnosis is.

Saying,

You just need a drink,

Is problematic because depression isn't about needing a good time or forgetting what you're going through by using alcohol.

Furthermore,

Inviting them to use alcohol may be tricky because alcohol might end up becoming a crutch for their poor self-esteem and insomnia,

Eventually spiralling into substance use disorder.

Saying,

Cheer up,

Is problematic because it's like telling someone with rheumatoid arthritis to stop hurting.

Depression can cause prolonged sadness and inability to find joy or pleasure in life,

While making it difficult to do everyday tasks like maintaining proper hygiene.

Since depression is about more than just mood,

It isn't something that can just be cured by cheering up.

Finally,

Saying,

Many people go through worse,

Is problematic because validating how that person with depression feels is important.

Saying this to someone dealing with depression can cause increased feelings of loneliness,

Being misunderstood and wanting to isolate.

If you as an outsider don't understand why they have depression,

That's okay,

But you be better providing empathy and support while accepting that you cannot possibly imagine what they are going through.

Just for completion,

There are also a few ways you should avoid treating a depressed person so as not to add to their sense of hopelessness,

Perceived lack of control and direction.

So,

The first thing is to avoid taking their depression personally.

When a depressed loved one is going through something bad,

It isn't about you.

Assuming a person is trying to manipulate you by their depression may result in conflict.

Reminding yourself instead that their reactions are about what they're going through would be a good plan.

If you feel that they're crossing a line,

It's also okay to step back.

There's no reason why you should accept attitudes and behaviours that harm or hurt you,

But if you're fine with it,

You may also want to circle back at another time when they've calmed down.

Secondly,

Don't think you know better.

And this would probably be the origin of the phrase,

I can't imagine what you must be going through,

Which is used a lot in counselling.

It's natural to want to advise your loved one or even push them to do something you believe is good for them.

Bear in mind that it's important that the decision to reach out for professional help comes best of all from the person actually living with a depression.

You may want to learn to listen more than you speak.

Thirdly,

Don't avoid them.

Spending time with someone who's depressed is not always enjoyable.

So instinct may be just to let them be.

But you need to remind them that you are still there from time to time by calling or texting.

They may say no,

But inviting them to be with you or participate in activity can also make them feel that they have someone to rely on.

If they reach out because they need company or are shorter to cry on,

Try to be there for them and just listen.

Support may be just a matter of showing up.

Fourth,

Avoid trying to take charge.

There's only so much you can do or say when someone has depression.

It's important to support any autonomy and self-sufficiency your friend has,

But be supportive rather than controlling.

And lastly,

Don't compare.

Everyone's experience is unique.

Maybe you know someone else who had depression and handled things differently,

But not everyone experiences depression in the same way or with the same intensity.

Suggesting that you already know how they're feeling is not helpful and may leave that person feeling invalidated.

So finally,

There are some things that you should say to a person experiencing depression.

Don't let all the advice I've already given you discourage you from saying anything at all.

The key to supporting someone struggling with depression is to make it clear that you're there for them.

Focus on phrases that demonstrate unconditional care rather than judgment.

Some responses that you might want to try might be things like,

Thank you for telling me,

Or I'm here if you want to talk,

Or I love you,

Or you're important to me,

Or you're not alone,

Or have you spoken to a doctor,

A therapist,

Or your family about these feelings,

Or this must be hard for you,

But you're doing the right thing by talking about it,

Or what more can I do to help?

If in doubt,

Stick to open-ended questions and validating statements about what they're going through.

Often the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen to that person.

You should also remember to check in with them regularly,

Even or especially if they aren't up to reciprocating.

In Buddhism,

The most useful sort of talk is considered to be talk of virtuous things by a person who can exemplify those virtues that they are talking about.

The Buddha taught that ten types of conversation which are praiseworthy are by those who not only talk about but exemplify wanting little or abhijjā,

Contentment or santotti,

A love of seclusion or paviyuhikā,

A love of solitude or asamsakā,

Striving energetically or viriya,

Being self-disciplined or silā,

Loving to meditate or samātī,

Being wise or pāññā,

Having attained liberation or vimutti,

And having attained the seeing and knowing of liberation or vimuttiyāna-tassanā.

In other words,

Buddhism advocates the talk of virtues where that person walks the talk.

One of the most useful applications of effective speech is to make the world a more peaceful place.

Conflict in society is often exploited by people who seek to take advantage of others.

This is why the Buddha advocated peace and harmony as meritorious to any community.

According to the Buddha,

Anyone who is delegated to encourage harmony between communities needs to have eight characteristics.

And even if you're not a national ambassador,

I'm sure you'll find the list useful,

Even for brokering harmony between families or communities.

Firstly,

You need to be able to listen to others' opinions rather than denying others any different point of view.

Some people like to hear only the sound of their own voice and don't let anyone else get a word in edgeways.

Of course,

They can never find anyone to listen to them as a consequence.

This means that before you become a good speaker,

You need,

First of all,

To train yourself to listen to other people.

Whether what another person is saying is right or wrong,

At the very least,

You need to give them the chance to say what they have to say in order to know what their grievances are.

Secondly,

When you do come to speak,

You must be able to capture and hold your listener's attention.

So although listening is good,

As a diplomat,

You need to do more than just be a good listener.

When it comes to your turn to speak,

Then you should make sure that you have the listener's full attention.

You should avoid speaking in a way that irritates the listener so much that they forget what you're actually saying.

Thirdly,

You need to know how to set the boundaries for what you have to say to the minimum.

Being long-winded is never an advantage,

So the objective of what you are saying needs to be clear.

Rambling speeches are a recipe for political negotiations that never reach a conclusion.

Fourthly,

You need to be able to remember what you have to say.

If you lose your train of thought halfway through a sentence,

It will leave listeners hanging and unconvinced by any argument that you were trying to make.

Fifth,

You need to understand the detail of everything you have to say.

You need to be familiar enough with the issues that you're talking about to answer any questions your listeners may have.

Sixth,

You need to have the ability to make sure others understand what you have to say.

To be effective in diplomatic speaking,

You need to be able to make complex issues simple to understand,

Especially if the listener can't follow your argument.

Seventh,

You need to focus only on the necessary parts of your argument while cutting out the rest.

And lastly,

You need to avoid any tendency you may have to start arguments.

So,

Whether it is Liz Truss or Antony Blinken,

Make sure you don't send anyone with a short temper as your ambassador unless you're planning to start a war.

Finally,

In the Jhula Vagga of the Vinaya,

The Buddha advised that a person who can truly be called an ambassador is one who can,

Even in the company of the harsh-spoken,

Can remain unscathed and unruffled,

Makes no mistake in the use of their words,

Doesn't conceal information,

Has the ability to alleviate the doubts of others,

And is not angered by questioning.

So,

Suppose if you realize that your ability to express yourself is not very effective,

There is still a possibility to rehearse and train yourself to become better at it.

To this end,

There are many different recipes for success for public speaking around the world,

Including the Toastmasters organization or Dale Carnegie's book,

But in general,

What they teach are all principles I've already mentioned.

What they miss out on are particularly Buddhist principles of public speaking which might emphasize good karma.

The Buddhist public speaking school would therefore base speaking performance on what's known as the three sound system of sound body,

Sound speech,

And sound mind.

Sound body would include all aspects of body language,

Such as how you present yourself as you are speaking,

In other words,

Being easy on the eye,

In terms of pleasant personality and use of gestures.

Sound speech would mean speech that is easy on the ear,

Which,

Of course,

Would include five-star speech,

Which I've already mentioned,

And might go further to consider choice of words,

Intonation,

Or dramatic pauses for effect.

Sound mind would mean exemplifying the virtues that you're talking about,

Since public speaking in the Buddhist context is not just about talking to be understood or believed,

But talking to inspire the listener to do good deeds.

Being pleasant in the mind would therefore include appropriate choice of subject,

Being prepared,

Having one's thoughts organized,

And structuring speech into three parts,

An introduction,

Main body,

And conclusion.

I will add that there is,

Or was,

A public speaking school actually set up on these principles called the School of Diplomatic Speaking,

Where I had the privilege to study for a month in Thailand back in October 1991 with the director who has now passed on called Mr.

Johnphorn Supap.

So for today,

We ought to finish off our consideration of effective communication with a story on speaking skills taken from Jataka Tale 315 found in the Buddhist commentaries.

It tells us that once upon a time there were four sons of four wealthy merchants in Benares.

These young men were sitting at a crossroads and they made a bet about who had the best powers of persuasion.

They decided to test out their communication skills by seeing who could persuade a butcher to give them the best cut of meat from his cart.

The first son shouted out to the butcher,

Hey my man,

Give me some meat.

The butcher was a kindly man,

But since the words were not sweet to his ears,

He threw the boy some skin and bone.

Everyone asked him why he gave the boy only skin and bone,

And he replied,

The skin and bone are tough and have no taste,

Just like the words of the one who had requested them.

Then came the second son,

And he called out to the butcher,

Elder brother,

Please give me some of your meat to eat.

Because the second son had had the respect to call him elder brother,

The butcher cut off a choice joint of meat and gave it to him.

When it came to the third son's turn,

He said,

Oh my father,

Please give me some of your meat to eat.

Because the third son had had the respect to call him his father,

He cut out a savory piece of meat to give to him.

Finally,

It came to the turn of the fourth son,

Who happened to be the Buddha to be.

This young man referred to the butcher as my friend.

When the butcher heard his words,

This appellation felt just right to him,

Because he and the young man were so close in age.

The young man's words seemed the most sincere of the four.

The third man had called him father,

But he felt it too obviously like flattery.

So hearing the word friend,

The butcher decided to give the whole of his cart to the fourth son.

The fourth son didn't just say the word friend,

But treated the butcher like a friend by taking him to the young man's house.

The young man explained,

Since you have been so generous to me,

Then I should also treat you the same.

Come and live in my house if you like.

I have a reasonable amount of wealth to my name.

Therefore,

If any of your extended family are in distress,

Just tell me and I will help them too.

Turned out that the young man was able to settle a few of the butcher's unpaid debts,

And he and the butcher stayed friends for the rest of their lives.

So this is a little illustration of the bond of friendship that could be forged if we're able to avoid being harsh or patronizing in our speech,

But instead making the words true by putting them into practice.

So to conclude,

We need to be very careful in our choice of what to say,

Because choice of words can build or destroy the listener's morale.

Truly effective communication in most situations requires five-star speech.

When it comes to criticizing others,

This may need to be upgraded to seven-star speech.

And if you're talking to someone who seems to be depressed,

You may need to take even more care than that.

Also,

Don't forget that a good speaker must also know when to stop talking and listen instead,

Since,

As I mentioned with the virtues of a good ambassador,

It's not just knowing the right things to say,

We must also know when to keep our mouth shut.

Ironically,

Often knowing the things better left unsaid are more important for an effective speaker than what they actually say.

So,

This session I have introduced you to blessing number 10 on effective communication.

For my next session,

I'll move on to the 11th blessing on the topic of cherishing our parents,

Which explains how filial piety can be a pathway of blessings.

Hopefully,

As a result of today's session,

You will be a little bit more savvy now about how to use your carefully chosen words to uplift the lives of those around you.

So for today,

This is me,

Fr.

Nicholas Tynesrow,

Signing off for now.

So long,

Folks,

And stay safe.